The Laughter!!!!!!!

Saturday night was so great I hadn't laughed like that for awhile!
I had sore cheeks and stomach from laughing!
Nick didn't come - turned out he was possibably going to have a better option (which in the end didn't happen) So I was annoyed. Then Girly man and I started scheaming.
Nick was in the office by himself and he gets a little - shall we say - freaked out when he hears some noises :))
So I decided to play on his fear.... (LOL!)
I went in (on the way home from the club).I opened the front door then slammed it shut.
Nick thought it was the manager or his supervisior but then I didn't move. It was sooooo quiet. Then the phone rang. He kept talking on the phone and I was watching him trying to peer around the corner to see who it was. He asked the person on the line to hold and instead of putting them on hold he just put the phone down on the desk so they could hear if something happened!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!! IT was SOOOOO FUNNY!!!! LOL!!!LOLOLOLOLOL!!! Hahahhahahah!
I then waited till he was sort of creeping to the kitchen when I came out of the hall and into the kitchen screaming "NICCCKKKKK!!!!!!"
HE SHAT HIMSELF!!!!!!!! LOL HAHAHAHAH! It was GOLD!!!!!!! SOOOOOO Helerious!!!
The look on his face was PRICELESS!!!!! SOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!
He started to swipe me with a blanket that was near by. He was trying to recover from shock!!! He was shaking for about ten minutes later!!!!!
He said he was really tired and I made him very awake!!! HAHAHAHHA!

The night catching up with everyone from work was fablous. Really great :)
I danced, laughed, laughed and laughed then danced some more :))
It was a brillent night!!!!! :)))))))

the tears

Today I felt like that way you feel when you cry yourself to sleep. I had a bad gut feeling all day and I got teary eyed but managed to get rid of it before anyone saw.
On the way home I just cried.

So tomorrow I'm going out with everyone to the pub.
I don't know what that will be like.

I re colored my hair tonight and i'm about to go and wax my eyebrows and paint my nails. I can't be bothered but I guess I'd feel a little nicer after it.
I also did retail therapy. I brought a top and pants. Blah.
I feel like crap.
I feel like a frump.

Something Girly man said that struck a chord with me. "Not everyone leaves you"
It still chokes me up now. Yeah - they do.
Excuse me I feel the need to go and re sataurate my pillow.
I just couldn't stop the tears.

tears, sobs and lots more

I knew it couldn’t last. I have tears streaming down my face while I’m typing. Girly man has taken another job. I’m really, really, really upset. God I’m so upset.
I’m a mess. I’m going to go and cry my self to sleep.
I think because he gave me respect, cared and never hit on me. Because he loved his partner and kids because we could talk for ages and laugh for ages. I looked forward to coming in, in the mornings and seeing his smiling face and now. He’s going.

I know I should be happy for him it’s a better job, better pay and all that – I wish him all the happiness the world could give him – but – I’m really going to miss him.

I don’t know. I have that lump in my throat and I’m crying, good bye I’m going to go and cry myself to sleep now. Maybe because I trusted him. Out of all the people I’ve come across I trusted him. No wonder I’m blubbering.
He never tried to hit on me! Never steped over the line. Never went into the “grey” area. I have so much respect for him.

I’ve gotta go I’m a mess.

Delerous

I've got a "U" bra on order ment to be really great.
I walk into the shop and ask if it's even worth getting one in my size and when I asked one of the old women said
"I don't think they make them that size that is small."
I looked at her like hey why do you think I want it sort of thing so I just say "Yeah...that's great" they then ordered me two different sizes. I don't care how "small" I may be but if I can't get one of those things - well I'll just have to make my own adjustments! ;)

Today was so so busy. I am really tired. Sooo tired. I've got really sore feet and legs.
I've had a midori illusion and I'm now downing a herbal hot tea.
Have I over done it? Yes. Yes I have.
I'm so tired. I see Girly Man tomorrow I smile at that thought but I also smile at Nick and just going to work tomorrow :)
It was hard to work hairdressing all day when I'm not use to it and I got up extra early an donly had about 5 hours sleep...


I'm going to bed good night - it's 7pm - yeesh

Just relooked at this bra - arrr the old bag maybe right... bugger.

And so it is

So Friday night was great. I talked with Girly Man the whole night. You could say I was "glued" to his side.
We didn't even talk to anyone else! - Well hardly.
Really there's nothing going on. We just get along really well.
When we left we said good bye to everyone there and went home.
Because we were the first ones there (with the host and one other woman)- we sat together (of course - why wouldn't I) then he went to have a cigarette and I went with him. I just went because well - It's like when your in a club and your friend says "lets go to the toilet" you just go. So that's what it was like.
I got up and I was asked - "you don't smoke do you??"
"oh - sometimes, socially - on occasion" I didn't smoke with Adam I didn't feel like it.
So when we left together we said bye and I could just read Ivey's face and Caramels, also a few others.
I knew what was going to be said. I went home and called Nick who was working.
I told him about it. I figure who really cares - girl Man, myself and Nick know the truth - I have told Ivey but if she believes me or not is a different thing.
So anyway, last night I called Nick again and he was working with Caramel.
I could tell - So I asked him "Did she mention me and Girly Man? Yea or nay?"
"Yea, and your worst fear came true" - Now is wasn't my worst fear, just something everyone else can think. I don't care. I know, Girly Man knows and Nick knows that there is nothing in it.

I had a "lomi lomi" massage today. You lay there completely naked and the woman rubs down your whole body in warm oil and also uses hot rocks.
I forgot that I was topless. It was a nice sensation with the hot rocks.
I've never had my stomach massaged - I'd do it again.

I'm up at my moms - her horse was looking very sick so I came up hear cos mum was upset.

I saw a program on adoption through fostering in America. Struck a chord with me and if I ever marry I do want to foster or adopt. Both even - when the time is right God will make it happen.

I went to a "New Age" Expo today (that's where I had my massage) it was interesting.
I listened to a guy harp on about past lives etc but he sounded like he didn't really have deep knowledge about what he was talking about.
Nick told me about some Hindu festival in November that sounded good and he said we'll go along and she if GIrly Man and his partner and kids want to come along.
Were also going to go to the museum sometime.

I need to go and sleep.

happy

I was so tired today but I forced my frumpy sack of body to go and take Damon for a walk, and walk we did. For an hour and a half – he got attacked twice but was able to run away then found a friendly dog that ran around with him like two mad things flying around.
I threw on my black jacket put my frizzy hair in to a clip. Half up half down. I wore jogging pants that are real butt huggers and I had no make up on what so ever.
I figured that at 3pm I won’t see anyone I know.
It ALLWAYS happens!!!!
I saw this guy Trav from my old high school. I felt like – oh Dam IT! He’s a little cutie. He was always little Trav but now he’s grown in to a young man and looks nice but I just stood there with a red face (from running) frizzy hair that was going everywhere and No make up.
I just prefer to wear something anything that wouldn’t make me look more frumpy and yuk- but no – typical.
Oh well.

I’m getting excited about Vietnam. I spoke to Nick today and we are thinking about going on a three day kyack trip. You sleep on the beach one night in a tent sorta thing and it all sounds exciting. I’m so glad now I’ve got something to look forward to.

At the moment I’m feeling such a lot of love. I’m really happy.
Happy to be alone and happy to know the people I do. Girly man concerns me.
He was saying how he’s never found it hard to leave a job and now a better one has arised and he’s gone for it. He doesn’t want to go because of the people he works with and how he feels about the people working with him.
I know how he feels.
We’ve developed into a little morning “family” we all get along really well.

Tomorrow Girly man , myself, and about eight others are going out to dinner for one of the womens going away. I think I’m the only staff member going from my whole business department or even. See there are two different business in one office and because I talk and get along with the others and pretty much every one in the office – I’m going along.
The other girls giggled because I’m going but they know that I know all the others :)

Nicks not going tomorrow night – were all going to go out in the next couple of weeks :)

blah blah blah - humple

Fifteen hours and counting. I’m about to go and pick up one of our staff members cos she didn’t have a car and it was just around the corner from where I live so I took her and picked her up.
Little did I expect to feel like this. It’s 8.20pm, my shoulder is still hurting, my back is too, I’m sooooo tired. So very, very tired. I’ve been on the go all day. Since 5am this morning. After dropping off the staff, I came home cleaned madly, did two hair cuts and blow waves then ate dinner now I’m waiting till 9pm so I can go and pick her up.
I don’t really mind doing it – it’s just that – I’ve been awake for so long and I’m tired and my shoulder hurts and it’s making me feel sick in my stomach.

I’m tired. I hope I can just hit the pillow and go straight to sleep.
I’m thinking that I may need to stay at mons tomorrow. My brother has three days off… yeesh.
Blah. Humple.

Gut feelings

I have been paying for going out. Soooo so so tired.
I slept yesterday and again today for an hour and a half.
Raff wants to go out again next Saturday, I don't know. I"m going out to dinner on the Friday night so I don't want to over do it.

I'm feeling frumpy. I'm not to concerned - I'm to tired to care really.
I better go to sleep or I'll be to tired for tomorrow.

The wheather is picking up soon I can take Damon and roller blade down the Boulevard.
I just hope I can muster up the energy.

I haven't given the guys on Saturday night another thought since I left the club. Raff mentioned them today and I just - well more like it made me think how much I really would rather just to be single. I'm really loving where i'm at right now.
I know what I do and don't want and having any male in my life is a big no no right now. I want to look forward to travelling and doing a good job at work.

I'm feelig very independant and focused. Why would I want to change any of that??

Girly man still wants a motor bike. I just have a bad feeling about that. He was soooo tired today I was worried about him driving home! I had never seen his eyes so puffy and tired. He was worried about driving home too.
I told him to call me when he got home an he did, What would he be like on a motor bike riding home tired and not 100% focused on the road?? I shudder to think - I just have a bad feeling about it.
That said I told him when he gets it I want a go on it:) I've got my licence just never got the bike.
This is why I didn't - I just hadd a bad feeling and every time I was going to get one something would happen.
hmmm.

Backpack Vietnam...

I woke up and thought it was a beautiful day, I was tired because I went out last night.
I knew that I had to have a nap today and Damon wanted to go out for a run. I wanted to get out and too. So we went up to my mums. It was good – I slept for 3 hours and he ran about outside. When I woke up mums neighbour/friend came round and we talked for a while.

Last night I went out –yes – to a nightclub!!! I went to the Casino’s bar then on to the nightclub with Raff. We both had a really good night. We got there about 10pm and let at 11.30pm. I got really tired and she had to go home to her brother cos she only moved with him in the night before.
… Lets say…. I’m glad I went. I had a lot of fun dancing and even though I had the attention of a couple of young guys – I just wasn’t interested. Ruff had a very interested 19yo dancing and kissing her on the dance floor. I ignored a couple of males who were dancing round me like a dog wanting to pee on a hydrant.
I kept everyone at arms length – maybe a little further.
I was happy to dance and just get out for the first time for months.
Even if it was just for an hour and a half.
I got home and called Nick. He was at work. We spoke for about an hour and a half then Thea messaged me from the U.S and I called her and spoke for a further half an hour. So it was 3am by the time I went to sleep.

Seems like Nick and I and are going to backpack around Vietnam for three weeks. Were going to ask girly man if he want’s to come too. We spoke about it last night and we want to go in Feb.
He seemed just as excited as I was!
Girly man has debt and a family to support but maybe he won’t buy this motorbike and will come with us instead. It’s cheaper to travel with two people Nick, Girly man and I get along really well.

I’m getting tired again now. I better go.

Deep meditation

Deep meditation today. Was...interesting.
Looks like I may have a small glimpse of a social life in the next few weeks.
I'll see how I go. I dare say my 9pm curfew will keep me very... Nanna-ish.
The Glandular fever really has screwed with my body.
9pm might even be to late! I have no life. I still play my guitar and slowly being able to play for longer. I just get soooo tired.
Raff wants me to go out with some guy, a friend of her new almost boyfriend.
Beyond not interested. I said no.
Something funny - I was called a prudish today.... :))
I smile at this.
Just smile and I don't say anything.

THe "Bootie" call

So I text Eve. I was having a “moment” – It pitted out. Good thing.
I think if I was to do anything – well I’d be the “awful person” and be using him and I wouldn’t like to feel like that. … Getting my drift? Yeah – I was thinking about doing a “bootie” call. I’m glad I didn’t. I think because I don’t like him I would just be a cold-hearted “Bitch” and just do my thing then – leave.
I really can’t do that. I can’t be bothered with him because he really is awful. I guess I was looking for… psychical contact.
I had an argument with my brother tonight.
I was also looking for a possible place to stay. I just can’t stand living with my brother. Brother told me today that he had two nights off – bad news for me.
I thought I could stay but ten minutes later he was off in a storm of fury. He cracked it at his father (over the phone) and decided to take it out on me. Screaming, ranting and raving. He threw the phone on the couch got all red in the face then aimed all his words at me.
I gave it back not as much because – I can’t be bothered. I got Damon and went for a walk. I was thinking about my options – where I can go for tonight and the next three nights.
That’s when I text Eve partly because he was a good option and partly cos I wanted the physical contact.
Anyway that didn’t happen.
I spoke to my mum and fifteen minutes later she calls back and tells me that brother is going up to her house for his days off :)
Relief.

I have now completely delated Eve’s number. It’s not on my computer as it was or my phone.
He’s been completely erased.
I don’t feel anything. I just go through the motions.

not again! Ohhhh.....

I’m sick. AGAIN!!!!!!!
I’ve only got a head cold but it’s really knocking me around because of the glandular fever previously.
Overload poetry – How I was looking forward to that. I haven’t been able to go anywhere since February / January !
My eyes are all sore.
I need to wash my hair, I fel like dong the girly thing washing my hair,blow drying it, nail polish and just do all the little things but no. I’m too tired. I was thinking about cutting all my hair (there’s heaps!) off. It’s so thick. An 2 inch in length all over….
It would look great but I’d be sick of it after a day or two and once it’s gone there’s no going back.

I’m getting hypnotised/ deep meditation on Thursday. Should be interesting.
I need to go – I want some one else to wash and blow dry my hair.
I don’t want to pay for it.
I better go.

I need sleep. It’s funny – I’m terrible when I’m tired. If you haven’t been able to tell.

Speed dating…. One of the guys from work is now going with me as Rafs has proceeded to move on to the next boyfriend. My heart’s not even into “having fun” but maybe if I force myself it will turn out ok.
I've got a headache. I think my blog is now turnig into a complaning, winging pain in the ass.
And guess what -I don't care!

I've had enough

I've decided men aren't for me.
I'm soooo over it. Done. Finished and good bye.
I don't care anymore. I'm in constant numbness. Nothing can get through this wall.
I don't feel anymore. I just don't care.
Ok, Mk I do and my ex george. But everyone else new and old - it's just - whatever.
I. Have. Had. Enough.

I'm going to go sleep. Sleep...mmmm how I love sleep and my car.

Sitll sick!

I feel sick! Still! I hate this! Groooooooossssssss!!!!!!
Yuk!
I’m tired. I’m sick and I have to go and buy bread. I can’t be bothered.
But I have tooo!!!!!!!!! Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who cares

I’m sick.
I wake up at 4am and hurl for an hour.
I didn’t want to go to work.
Buck stopped with me this morning. I went.
Only for an hour and 45 min but that was enough.
I get there and one of the other girls there isn’t coming in because she’s sick too.
In the end – the head boss had to come in and they had to work it out.
I just had to go home.

No one cares. I’m feeling like crap, bloated and gross.
Girly man said he cared – yeah… he’s about the only one :(
The other girl said that she was up all night throwing up and she told me she’s called her mum crying this morning, she just couldn’t come in. She’s 22, I know what she means it’s nice to have someone who cares.
I just thought I’m not calling my mum – she can’t do anything anyway.
So I just had to go to work.
The other girl lives with her boyfriend.
I’d like to have someone who cared. Girly man said that he would get me some ginger ale or anything from the shops but I’d already got that on my way to work.
He was nice to offer.
It really didn’t take much just an offer and he asked if he could do/get me anything.
That’s all it took. Just made me feel nice because when your sick you- well I think everyone just wants someone to care.
I rang mum when I came home purely just to tell her. She told me to take some baking soda and water. She was good but I just want someone hear to “look after” in a way, but really just care.
sigh.

Damon or Tessa the cat has rolled in crap or something and sat on the couch.
Great. Now I’m sick, feel like throwing up, going to bed, just curling up and not thinking and I have to go and wash the couch, all the covers (again I did it about two weeks ago!) and cushions. It’s a big job to that regardless and now I have to do it when I’m sick!
sigh. I just think – just do it. Life goes on.
If I don't do it, it won't get done.

To love is to ....

I don't know if I can love. Sounds stupid but I don't think I can anymore.
I feel like... I'm in a constant numbness. Nothing effects me.
I go through my day - work, eat and sleep. Sleep. Do the same thing almost every day.
Last night girly man told me how he may be forced to leave because they might cut down his hours.
Also he and Nick may not work together. Bummed about that! He was saying how he looks forward to 6am when I come in :) heheh
I really hope he dosen't leave I like walking in and seeing him smile in the morning :))

I think Eve helped build that wall i've put up. He certainly added alot more bricks!

I'm cold, tired and I have a sore back. I need a massage.

The forgotten

I did something VERY childish yet I thought if I’m going to save my ass at work I’m going to point out that it’s not me who “redirects calls to the wrong people all the time”
I’ve been slowing down and really thinking before I talk.
I reread the paper to which points out things I have to improve on.
Redirecting calls to the right people was one of them.
So when the girl next to me redirected a call to the HEAD boss rather then the person to which she should have I thought I hope she doesn’t think that was me who put it through!
So by saving my own ass I wrote my boss a quick email saying that it wasn’t me who did it. I didn’t say who did but I thought I’m trying really hard and it’s those things that do matter.
I afraid I’m going to loose my job….
It was such a petty thing to do, I doubt she was impressed but I just thought I don’t want her annoyed or thinking it was me. So by clearing my name I think I probably blackened it in the process. Hmmm.
I don’t like doing that but I just felt like if I didn’t it would be yet another strike against me.
Usually I just take on things and figure that the truth will prevail but this time – I shake my head – I probably should have just left it.
Hmm.

Nick called me yesterday morning and sent me a email.
I’m still over men. In a HUGE way.
Just can’t be bothered with them.
Tonight I feel like – I just think I don’t want someone to talk to, don’t want someone to touch me and certainly don’t want any male in my life.
It just causes complication and I can’t be bothered with any of it.
It’s just better to be by myself.
Forget all men.