HOT day

So I have spent the day body boarding at the beach, I got out when the waves started to sweep me off my feet and make my borard smack me in the head and back.
It was really good.
I think it hit 41 degrees today.

I'm looking forward to next week.
There should be a few performances and thing to go to.

Hopefully I get my computer back.
gotta go, need to sleep before the drive home

Neh

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 79, find line 14. Write down what it says:
"Do you remember me"
2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
The wall

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
The tennis

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is: 11pm

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?10.15

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
TV in back groung - tennis

7: When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
ten minutes ago to get a DVD out of my car

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
Brians blog

9: What are you wearing?
Bra and demin skirt

10: Did you dream last night?
can't remember
11: When did you last laugh?
Giggle about ten minutes ago

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?
some ugly looking chinese picture type thing

13: Seen anything weird lately?
I cut a kids hair he had two double crowns, a cow lick at the frount AND back of his head.

14: What do you think of this quiz?
it's a different insight then my norm

15: What is the last film you saw?
Memories of a Geisha - couldn't sit still for more then five minutes so about to rewatch it tonight.

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
friends cars

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
I once ate 12 banannas in one day - haven't been able to really eat a full one again

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
NO WAR

19: Do you like to dance?
LOVE IT!

20: George Bush: is he really doing Dick Cheney?
Dick who???

21a: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
Trelornie
21b: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
Atarue

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?:
Most definatly

Ask and you shall recieve

I've downed a "Ned Kelly Red" soda wine stuff, It REALLY HOT, And I'm feeling...Tired.
I worked hairdressing today - which was good, I look forward to going.

Well. What a week!
I have meet and had really interesting conversations with people.
I'm feeling great and just happy being myself.
completely myself.
I'm following my gut feeling with a lot of things.
I'm feeling...Adventurous.
Yes it's the travel bug.
I'm trying to save so I can travel in about a years time. Even if it's just for a month.
I may have to sell the car but it's a while off yet.

Arr ... Just jumped under a freezing cold shower- Nice.

My time spent with Eve made me realise that maybe a small part of me will allow me to enjoy having someone hanging around - so to speak - Is it stupid that I just had a thought that A small man Hanging on the back of my shower door just "Hanging around" - I'm smiling and shaking my head, LOL "Hanging around" hehe. Oh - the alcohol may be kicking in a little :))

So I decide to pray to God about it.
He's the only one who knows how I feel, why I feel it and understands me.
So I decided that the first time I'm going to pray that I meet some one.
He gave me the EXACT dog a asked for, helped me at work TWICE when I asked in desperation when I needed him, there will always be what happened overseas and more recently how I became to be in the right place at the exact moment when Steve's cousin needed support.
Every time I have asked he has listened and I received. Every time.
Your thinking ask for money?? I have and Through his blessing I have got it.
Enough to get me through and to have enough for what I needed.
So I decide that I want to get to know people, not to jump in and have a relationship with them but just people who I can relate to and have fun with without it becoming difficult.
Maz - good example - jealous girlfriend equals - can't have other girls as friends even if things are innocent.

So anyway, I have been quite busy this week.
I've been going out to have lunch with a friend fi, catching up with "Top Hat", had dinner with Rusty and a cousin from my fathers side and his wife and going to performances of poets and musicians.
It's been really great! I come home all inspired and sit on my bed and play "josh" till I fall asleep.
I've meet heaps of people, and I'm not looking for a relationship - just someone who doesn't want to Bonk my brains out and we can still have a good time with!! :))

I've been reading, and a little writing. I met this guy, Ian - at one of the performances.
We were both there alone and he struck up conversation. Turns out he was thinking about doing some open mic.
After a while he got up and was really quite good. He asked for my number - I gave it to him cos he seemed like a genuine type of guy.

I caught up with him on Thursday for abit at another open mic performance. He on the spur of the moment decided to jump up and was great! A random guy came to him and said "That was a great it deserves a beer" !!! Ian was chuffed and at the end of the night I left him talking to these people who were hanging of his every word.
I said good bye to him and Top Hat who was also there.

Ian wants to read my writing. Songs, poetry just some of what I write.
I can't seem to bring myself to do it. It's so basic, simple, sounds like something a twelve year old would write. Yes it has flowers, love, rain, shadows, "walking in the rain" - I just re read it and think - Nah... It's immature writing. It hasn't grown up. It hasn't even reached puberty!
When I re read it I think - "how stupid!" usually tear it up or scribble out the majority of it's content.
I didn't put out my zine for this very fact. I've taken things out and added others in I want it to go out before a deadline I made for my self. June 30. A day after my 25th birthday.

I was thinking about getting a tattoo today. A small mystic looking cross in the middle of my back.
I mentioned it to a client and he's response was to look at me confused and say
"You don't seem to be someone with a tattoo"
Hmm. Didn't really know how to take that one.
He was a 63 year old man if that has anything to do with it.
I'm thinking about getting a photo airbrushed and put up on my wall.
That's ok I guess - I'm thinking it may look a little wired to those who come into my room and see an A3 size half naked me air brushed picture on the wall...
I just think it would be liberating. My thought is your young once - why not??
Airbrush out imperfections, enhance where needed.... It's something I want to do for myself.
I will do it - I just have to take the photo and give it to the guy. I've seen his stuff and he does a good job.

This is a very long post.

My 200th Post!!

Yep, it's been 200 posts.

Well I am definatly feeling great again, Work was really slow today so I was let out an hour early. I wanted to mow the grass and only to find out the mower has spat out it's last clump of grass and now it's needs repair. So I do the only rational thing - Curse say it wasn't my fault and put it back.
Well I don't know about that one...
I hate the place looking like it's over run and unkept.

I do a bit of cleaning, talk to Jay and contemplate if I was going out to dinner or not. Rusty was wanting to go out but he neglected to call or pick up his phone so a saussage in bread and corn cob it was.
I nuke my sausages,bread and corn - yea for microwaves!
I played "josh" and then headed up to my mums with Damon in toe.
He's just like having a kid. Buckling him into his seat telling him were gong to see Bronson and Mufin (mums dogs) then leaving him hear all day tomorrow while I go to the beach.
He gets to play I do my thing then I pick him up on the way home.
My brother is going to a Jehovah "church" meeting or as what I call it "Cult movement". He's grasping at straws wanting something that feels right or something that just agrees with what he wants to believe.
My mum's going along and that's a little disturbing as she comes home saying it's not all bad - Whatever.

So tomorrow I am going to the beach. I have my book, my tent thing, body board and cold drink.
I intend to stay there as long as I can before comming home and going out to meet up with a "Top hat".
He tends to send occasional random messages at random times but seems a nice person...
He's one of Jacks friends.... Hmm.

Oh hears good news. Just when I thought the world was getting to hard and I was at a low point especially at work. I prayed about the girl I work with as she wasn't making my life easy at all. Two days of Hell - being YELLED AT!!!! That was a shock and a half. She was expressing herself and I kept my mouth shut, breathed as I felt my face burn. I'm sure I went a shade of rip roaring red. But I say nothing. She was going mad at one of the others but so it was directed at us both.
I was NOT happy. I have NEVER been yelled at in a professional working career.
She generally said "Sorry..blah blah blah" justifying why she yelled but by that time I was already back on the phone taking a message and had my back turned to her.
I thought about how I would handle the situation if it was to occur next time.
I wouldn't be quiet.
Anyway, I prayed about it. My job,where I'm at with it and for the relationship between us to get better and I wanted her to apoligise to me.
Well!
The next day I took a phone call and she commented on it that got the ball rolling.
I stayed calm and explained where I'm comming from. She agreed that she could see the position she puts me in and She APOLOGIZED for the way she has been at me!
She then went on to say how I'm obviously cleaver - to good for reception and thinks it would be a good idea to move up and if a position came up would I be interested?!!!
Would I !!!
She said that I was a go getter, had a thirst for knowledge, very cleaver and said that My boss agreed that I have alot of potential!
WOW!!!
From all I was getting was negative feedback to this!!!
It was nice to get the feedback and know that they know that I feel fustrated in the reception position and want to move up.
She didn't say when cos she didn't know when the position was going to be available.
But it looks like it's going to be a progressive year.
I'm glad I kept my mouth shut.
I figure if you react in anger to someone elses anger - it's never a good outcome.

That said I've been bitten by the traveling bug again.
I need change.
I want to travel but I can't seem to save! I blew my wage in two days!
I'm redecorating my room - It's defiantly time.
I brought a new doona cover, clothes, CD's, I'm putting up new photos on my wall and changing the look abit. Maybe some painting...A feature wall... With that sponge effect. Can't stuff that one up...I don't think...


Saturday 10.55pm

On the Upper

I've finally managed to pick myself up and move on.
I'm feeling alot more happier and back to my old self.

Works doing my head in a bit. It's not busy and I seem to be the object of all of one persons anger. Oh well. I think she's stressed. usually she's nice but I can she she has a thing about me.
Oh well.
Otherwise its good.

I have to keep this short as my computer is on borrowed time!

7.10-pm Thursday

Stupid day

Is it stupid that I feel like I have hit rock bottom? That I have been thinking how I have become the way I have?
Sigh.
I’ve had one of those days. It’s lasted about two weeks now but it’s come to a head today.
I’ve been doing a little soul searching I guess you could say.
Why I am the way I am.
Why I try and get males to not like me when I feel like they have come close to me.
What I mean is Eve – I was rude and blunt. I knew what I was doing but figured it was better this way because I know he won’t like me. Hell I hated me.
Rusty the 22 year old who was starting to call most days – When I ignored all his attempts and he still wanted to see me. Then I found that I was thinking about what to say to turn him off any thought of me. I hated the thoughts.
It’s pretty much being the opposite of me. Not caring about anything he said, changing topic, Sounding totally self absorbed and uninterested in anything he said.
It makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.

I’m upset. A small lump has resided in my throat and I know that I’m not going to cry.
I want to. I really do. I want to sob myself to sleep just so I can wake up and have that feeling that you’ve got it all out and you feel better.
I can’t do it.
I just can’t.

I play my guitar. Ahh… “josh” takes my mind away from my thoughts for awhile and I love it.
I need to run. That always helps ut I’ve been sick, tired but I may go tomorrow morning.

Lying in bed I feel like I – for the first time in a very very long time want someone lying next to me with their hand on my side touching my skin – but hears my problem.
I don’t know if anyone who is the person who will ever do that would really actually care about me. Insecurity…maybe – can you blame me???!!!
I will always be waiting for the day they walk out the door.
Waking up every day thinking maybe today’s the day. That’s it. Had enough. To hard. Maybe he’s over me now.
Sigh.

Tuesday 10th 9.45 pm

The weekend

Well I'm glad to say that I feel heaps better.
So much for my Saturday night, I still felt dizzy and had an early night.

I woke up today and felt ok.
So I took Damon down to the river and I have never seen a dog that can't swim!!!
I dragged him in and he was like a small child clinging on for dear life!
I was forced to carry my HUGE 34 kilo dog up out of the water and onto a rock!
He wasn't impressed with me at all.
I thought I'll slowly let go of him and try and get him to swim.
Na! His bum sank and the ancient old doggie paddle turned into scrambling splashes and a dog that had no idea.
He is being so naughty lately.
I have to take him to dog obedience classes. He jumped on strangers, chases after other dogs and doesn't listen when I tell him to come.
I came home and gave him a bath.

I'm off to church tonight - I haven't been in ages and I'm looking forward to going and seeing some of the people there.

The next day...

Ughhhh.....
I've felt sick and dizzyish all morning!!!!
I forced myself to eat breakfast and drink some water I've eaten two sunnyboys figuring that's sugar and water. I think I'm ok I get up walk around only to sit down after two or three minutes.
I slept really well last night, I can't remember how long it took but I don't remember Daymon getting up next to me which he usually waits for me to give him the ok. I was really tired.

I watched Red Lobster TV last night. Good watching.
I sent Eve a message. He found spoken word amusing so I thought I'd just send him a text saying to watch ch 31 - I didn't figure he would reply.
He did.
Only generally.
I know I text him but I wanted to show him what I was talking about when I tried to explain spoken word and poetry. I guess a part of me was thinking that he needed to see it because maybe he would find it less "amusing" and more interesting.
I deleated all his messages and shrugged it off.
He didn't get ch 31.

I want a bottle of soda water, an apple, more orange flavored sunnyboys and DVD's.
I don't feel like I have the energy to go to the shop and get them.

I was thinking last night that I need a break from living with the painstaking brother. So I was going to retreat to Mon's for about 4 days. Turns out that he is off to go stay with my mum in the country.
Thank God - I get to the end of my tether very quickly now days with him.
It used to be that I was ok for three to six months. Not so good now.
I'm glad I at least have people who know the situation who put their hand up when I need them.

Ok - I gotta go and get food.
I love my independence but I guess it's a little downfall when your kinda ill and still need to go and get everything yourself. My eyes are sore I should be wearing my glasses.
I smile winge winge - Arr whatever!

You know this after answering two questions???

Hmmmm...... te heh heh
I think they need more questions!

What Your Underwear Says About You

When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble! You're sexy, in that pinup girl, tease sort of way.

The Underwear Oracle

plus

Just a point I want to make. My b key on my key bord sometimes doesn't work, I'm a pathetic speller but when I reread the post it looks worse then it is cos of typos.
And it's 10pm on Thursday night.

Giving blood....uuugggghhhh.......

Scince the bali bombings I decided to give blood. I did it for aout a year and a bit regulally then with the winter months and my slow blood flow I wasn't able to give because I was cold.
Anyway I was on the way home and I drove pass the place I go to donate and I thought I'll go make appointment. I walk in and they have a cancellation so I can do it in ten minutes. Ok says me thiniking I need to go and get a few drinks into me as I hadn't had that much. So I do that and after about half an hour I'm hooked up to the machine and i'm giving blood. I felt a little queesey but I figured that it was because I watched the needle go in and it hurt a little.
It took 21 minutes and I gave (450 ml ?) cut off was 470 so I was a little under but they don't like to leave you hooked up for so long.
I get up and walk off to go get some food and a drink. I got a piece of cheese which I hate then thought I was going to hurl so I walk over to the bin, throw out the cheese and suddenly feel light headed. I stumble over to the chairs where this young guy was waiting for his girlfriend sat next to him and closed my eyees as a wave of black came and went.
"Can you get someone"
I say as I fall like a ton of bricks off the chair and on to the floor out cold!!!
During this I went straight into a dream about my team at hairdressing. I think Eve was in it to.
"Karen! Karen!" I open my eyes and I look up at this strange woman leaning over me looking down! I freak out cos I'm thinking i'm in my room at home and someones in hear too!!! I look around and theres about 4 other people around me! I close my eyes and feel like a wave of darkness came over me again.
I reopen them and it's takes a further minute to be able to hear again.
During this time I thought I've woken up in my room with strange people in it, my tinitus is really bad and now i'm deaf! I couldn't focus on this womans face it kept bluring but considering only seconds before I was looking at eve next to me now some lady is talking, I can't make out what she is saying - It was a it of a shock!
It took about a minute to get it together again.
I felt like crap. It took an hour before they would let me go home and they didn't want me to drive.
I had to, I wasn't going to leave my new car behind!!
I sat in the car rang Ant and warmed up as I was freezing inside the building.
We chatted for a bit before I drove home. I felt sick and groggy.
I probably shouldnn't of as I still feel crap now a few hours later but I got hear.

Works really quiet at the moment. So I've been told I have the day off with half of the others and the other half get Monday.
I'm happy with that it's going to be hot tomorrow but I feel like I might just stay in bed and sleep.
That's how I feel now anyway.
I'm cold.

I'm looking forward to the weekend.

Closure and today

So stupid me sends a text to Eve tonight.
I was wondering what's my chances that he'll reply... I didn't think he would.
A friend of mine said I should - I knew I shouldn't of but... I thought I already have closure. I guess he has to. Dam. Oh well.

Steve's comming home eairlier, I got his email today he's over the third world countries! He should be home on the weekend :)

I've been working at this new job for three months yesterday.
Seems stuid but I didn't want to say anything in case they fired me.
There's confidence for ya!

I had a pick me up from the guys at work today. Not intentionally - I was asking aout the D & D Ball (desprate and dateless) Now I'm niether but It's not something to be taken lititally. It may seem like fun with the right people but Thea's overseas, Jay...nah.
Then one of the guys I work with pipes up "kaz your a nice type of girl you don't need to go to that" and the other agrees and adds "you wouldn't need to go"
I laughed kinda embarrassed,flattered - I looked at the ball thinking it's a chance to get dressed up, drink cheap drinks, dance and have a good night with friends.
I wouldn't even want to pick up or kiss anyone for that matter.
I should have NOT INTERESTED pasted on my head.
Really.

As I said it would be fun with the right person but that's just not going to happen she's a million miles away.
There goes that Idea.

My computer seems to be working again - I don't know how long for but I hope this continues.

Kazarama turns ONE!

That's right, I've had a few people drop in and out in this time and followed others journey and it's been interesting.
I clicked back into June last year and I liked that post so much I'd thought I'd paste it below.
June 18th 2005
I am interested in men that are secure in themselves, that are intelligent, resourceful and capable. I am not impressed by your car, stereo, or the notches on your bedpost. I'm not interested in the names you can drop, the money you make/waste, or the way you dress. And I certainly could care less how long your dick is.

I want what's in your mind and soul. I want to know what is the worst thing you've ever done and if you regret it. I want to know what makes you laugh. What you consider justice. I want to know what excites and motivates you. I want to know what makes you strong and what will bring you to your knees. Only then, will I be interested in what might be in your pants and what you can do with it.

I had just re read this from my June 18th - taken from Miss X's post.
I should of re read it a few weeks ago.

I'm in two minds weather or not to give "Eve" this blog address. Hmmm...
Apart of me does a part of me dosen't.
I've seen from Scott's blog what can happen. But I guess when you have nothing to loose there's no problem.

I hate writing like It's to a person. But I guess this post is to you.
This is me.
This whole Blog is a year of me.

To "Eve" This is who I am...if you decide to drop by...

Ok. I'm going to have to recap the past month.
I have had some amazing and some not so amazing experiences.
I...Well lets just say I met this guy "Eve" - all up lasted about three weeks. If ya get my drift. He's a Christian with a conscious. I guess that's a good thing.
He read my journal and thinks I'm a "Man hater" ( his words not mine) and that was the end of that.
Did I fall for him?
Yeah. A bit. I tried not to but ya know... How many times can you "see" someone and
not feel something besides uttermost pleasure.
I'm not really ashamed or guilty more just concerned about his thoughts towards me.
I don't know what he thinks, and he didn't tell me.
I feel a little upset because if he had decided to get to know who I am he would have maybe realised why I feel the way I do.
And maybe I'm not the person who he thinks I may be.
He read my journal, (It was lying on the coffee table as I hadn't put it away from the night before, brother was not around so I just hadn't put it away as yet)
- "Eve" in a way got to know a part of me and my thoughts that were about him. The fact that I wrote that "last time we saw each other I did feel something." Emotions were stirred.
Once I realised what he read. I felt venerable. So so so very venerable.
I hate that.
He knew how I felt yet I was no closer to knowing his last name neverless how he felt!
I tell myself to move on. He doesn't care, and maybe that's true.
But I guess there wasn't much time for getting to know each other... Things kinda happened in such a whirlewind.
I smile now. He asked a question.
"Do you think your moody?"
"No, not overly"
Show me a woman who's not!?? I smile at this because I don't think I'm that bad
without good reason.
I think I freaked him out with my journal entry that I was full of hate and anger which at that point in time I was. I wrote that entry on Christmas night.
Christmas was ok. Well my Christmas was more Christmas eve.
The actual Christmas day consisted of the yearly argument from my brother and his put downs, Christmas lunch was with an old bag of a woman whom disliked everything I said, and as I have had the foot in mouth problem she wasn't to understanding but let's not go there.
The argument with my brother just really got to me.It does at times and this was one of those times. I think everyone has a breaking point.
My father- he doesn't want us. Recently at my cousins wedding that I went to - He had actually said that he didn't want us their.
I was not told this until the night we had to go and I was furious that I had agreed to go.
He DIDN"T WANT US THERE!!!!!
Why the hell go??!!!! Just because my brother is sponging for his love and wants a "Family". I was so angry but decided to be the mature one and still go.
I'm going off on a tangent but I've decided to run with it. As I'm deciding weather I give this address to Matt or not.
I'm in two minds about it. But I don't like that fact that he's walking away thinking that I'm a man hater. When I have dam good reason to be but I think I may be misunderstood.
Take Jack. Now there's someone who broke a thousand promises to me. Led me on and only to then find out, that hey - he had a GIRLFRIEND!!!!And he still had her when I found out! BAM! Take out my heart and step on it!
Then another person of interest - Dale - I get led on and HE has a GIRLFRIEND TOO!!!!!
Male friends who say one thing but do another. All let me down.
I'm not by any means saying I'm perfect and don't do this but if I have to break my word - I feel beyond guilt!
Sigh.
Sorry let's stop that tangent and get to today.
Last night New Years Eve I stayed at home and didn't go out. I loved it.
It was my first weekend off in six months and I was nursing a head cold.
I woke up for about and hour ate rice and Kan Tong sauce for Breakfast as I was out of cereal then my day was sleeping on and off, playing my guitar and a bit of reading.
I was mostly re reading what Matt read in my journal that I didn't particularly want him to read but he did. I don't like what I wrote. But I did write it.
The words that stand out would be "he can...get fucked"
and "He doesn't care" - admittly I was drunk when I wrote it and not in the right state of mind.I mean it was Christmas night and it wasn't really a happy time for me being that I copped the third degree from a brother as was told that pretty much I was a "horrible bitch" (being the nice of it) and was made to feel like I was a piece of shit - How's that on Christmas? All because I didn't want to wish a "Merry Christmas" to a father who doesn't want me??
I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. How come I'm the one who gets to feel like crap???!
Blah.
This is way to much information - but you know what - I don't care.
I'm sober and a little tired but I need to get this off my chest.
My drunken Uncle said to me at the wedding "you know I'm always hear for you"
HUH???
I felt like saying I'm sorry, what's your name again? Whatever.

So this brings me today - again.
I've been thinking about my ex a lot lately.He was pritty good. A part of him loved me. He realized that when it was to late.
I don't particularly want to see him.
Steve an old friend of mine and my ex's is in a photo on my wall which I look at and think of him and again today I was looking at it and thought I must go see him.
So I go to my church and only to get there and it's not on.
New Years day and no service.
So I drive around and check out other churches that seem not to be on or catholic. Not going there again!
So I ask God, Where do you want me to go?
I'll go see Steve.
So off I go. I get there and he's not home. I'm greeted my his cousin who looks very surprised to see a girl on the doorstep.
He tells me that Steve has gone away to Thailand and will be back in two weeks.
"Oh, ok"
"Would you like to come in?"
"Yeah, why not"
I never met him before but he looks like a miniature Steve and we have a drink and start talking.
I'm wondering why God wants me hear?
Ten or fifteen minutes later his phone rings.
He takes the call. He's sounding concerned. There sounds like there's a problem.
Somethings wrong.
"Yeah...Oh..Well call me when you know"
"Something wrong?"
"It's Steve"
My heart stops. Then it starts to thump. I can hear it.
The blood is running through my veins, pumping 100 miles a minute.
I feel my face get extremely hot. I sit bolt upright, up a lump was in my throat tears welled in my eyes and all this happened in about 2 or 3 seconds.
"what"
"He's in hospital and he's not responding to treatment...The doctors have done all they can...They don't hold much hope."
(It gives me shivers now just thinking about it, this was Steves reaction to peanuts. He's heart once stopped for 4 minutes with the reaction)
I close my eyes and pray and God I pray out loud that he doesn't take Steve and to give him back his life. To spare him.
I didn't care what this Guy thought of me I had to pray.
It's hard to go back to general chit chat with someone you don't know after hearing news like that.
We managed to but I went to the bathroom, I had to pray. I came back out and still while we talked I prayed. Half an hour later he gets a phone call.
The silence is the worst thing.
He gets off.
"He's responding and he's breathing on his own again."
"Oh thank God!"
We got talking and I was going to leave but felt the need to stay so I stayed for another two hours. We talked and it turns out that he's a Christian and in a bit of a rut. We talk about Steve.
So I ask if he wants to pray for him and he did.
So I prayed for Steve and also for Sam (his cousin) and I can tell you that I really felt God working tonight.
I went form feeling like a numbness thinking that maybe I am a heartless bitch to being swept up in love.
Remembering Love and what it feels like. To have Steve stay with us and the wave of love I felt knowing that he was going to be ok.
I don't have a thing for Steve at all. I guess I know his history and have a little soft spot for him as I love a friend.
So I left the house feeling like I had been put in the wash and wrung out. But I was on a high. The whole night just seemed like Gods hand was at work.
I drove to my mums and that's where I am now.
I want to see Steve. Hug him and just feel that he's alive and still hear with us.

Now this all sounds a little preachy but it's the truth.
Now I sit hear and think how lucky I am.
I thought about Bec and how this was another Christmas and New Year gone with out her. I may feel these emotions but at least I'm alive to be able to feel them.
She's not.

I feel better now that I have blogged.
Sound strange but I missed blogging. I've gone back to writing in a journal. It's ok but just not the same. I'm looking into getting a laptop in the next four weeks or so. So the next update won't be for about three or four weeks. I'll have to save for it.

Oh! Something else - I brought a car! I've had it for a little over two weeks now, It's a Toyota Avalon 04 and it's only done 38,000 km.
It's nice to have a reliable car with air con.

I want to see Steve.