2006 review

Goodbye 2006.
A year it has been.
Not what I expected – at all.
Health wise - The whole glandular thing really sucked. But I guess it taught me a thing or two about being so busy, to take time out and slow down.
Relationship wise – I’ve had friends come and go, but one who I smile about is the very nice Irish lad who came to me from God (really- I prayed for him) and encouraged me to develop a different approach to poetry and helped me to grow in confidence. What I asked God to give me – he did, in Ian.
Sex wise – yeah – grew in that department too. Opened my eyes that’s for sure!
Said and did things I didn’t think I’d do – No regrets there! :))
Family – grew in one way, it just reinstated that my father is a dick. Forever.
God? – I Grew. I was challenged and I continued to believe and have faith.
Love – Made the obvious difference between falling in love and loving though lust.

All in all it’s been …… well better then the year before but hopefully not as good as the next.
Bring on 2007!
Happy New Year !!!!!!

Issues?

My best friend has this thing for a guy. They have known each other for about 8 or 9 years.
He likes her – as I found out last night.
They went out briefly 8 years ago. First love.
He has waited for her for 2 years and told me last night he would wait another 1.
I didn’t think those guys existed in today’s society!
He loves her.
I got all choked up.
I must have just had a vacant look on my face because he told me everything then said “So now your turn. Spill”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you look like you’re a million miles away.”
I managed a smile while I was crying on the inside. That feeling of all your insides twisting and lodging in your throat.
“ Me? - No –it has nothing to do with Thea.”
“Yeah – spill”
“No, It’s not the right time, place – or person – sorry”
With that I turned around and walked off. I didn't look back. I couldn't.
I didn’t want to look like awful person after just hearing this guy pour his heart out to me about my best friend then asks about me.
No.
I’m not opening up to some one – it just creates closeness and it’s not a good idea especially to him.
So without crying in the pool hall or in front of him I just said goodbye and walked out. I lasted half way to my car. Tears welled up and spilled out. I couldn’t stop them.
It confronted me with one of – my main issues I have with men.

Before we went to see him – (he works at the pool hall)
Thea and I saw “the holiday” with Cameron Diaz. It was a chick flick and I walked out wanting a hug or something. Thea said the same thing.
I didn’t like it.

I had a dream that Dave was shorter. Because he was always stooping.
I dreamt that we had sex once and I got Pregnant.
I wanted to get rid of it but because I kinda liked him I wasn’t sure and then I was having to break the news to people and I hated it and I was really in two minds about what I wanted. A single life or to have a kid. And I remember thinking this would end my life.
Dave then wanted it and I was all like, I don’t know.
I wasn’t sure.

I was VERY happy to wake up.
And realise that’s a dream – in reality I’m single and have no one.
And no one will ever feel like that about me.
By the way did I mention that looks like Jack will be marrying his girlfriend? The one he cheated on with me. (I didn’t know about her till after – of course!)
Other old friends are getting married in Feb and I think Eve’s still with his Girlfriend.
Thea and Tim are in love and so is just about EVERYONE around me.

Good Morning.
Vallum anyone?

Christmas is over for another year

Oh, I'm so tired.
I ate so much over Christmas - three days later and i'm still paying for it!
yuk.

I'm going to go and have a sleep.
I haven't called Dave since Christmas Eve.
I think he got the message.

I'm becomming more rounder. Everywhere. good ol` Christmas.
I'm stuffed.

I want Eve. For one thing.
Dam.

Hear's to thinking about next year!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Be safe on the roads, and for your Christmas

I HOPE YOU ALL GET LAIED!!!!!

(Someone has to, even if it's not me!!!)

Just realx and maybe not care......yeah.

So I go on a date with Dave. Yes the “non date “ (on my terms) turned out to be a “date”. He picked me up went to the restaurant (he paid) then we went walking about looking at Christmas lights.
It was nice. He’s a nice guy….. but….
There’s always a but.
I came home and my head was screaming – give me back single life! I lay on my bed just thinking that I don’t want to lead this guy on – at the end of the date (in which I managed to drop food from my mouth – again!! I just did it and laughed it off but I thought – AGAIN! Oh my GOD!) he asked me out again. What can I say – looking at him??
“Yeah…ok – yeah….it was nice” (agreeing with him)
So today I just kinda thought… Maybe not….
I haven’t kissed him. I’ve only seen him 3 times!
I don’t think I really want to kiss him…. He’s … I’m going to say it – to nice!
I’m just think if I kiss him it showing interest when really – I’m not.
I’m just not interested in a relationship. I’m not interested in being with anyone! I really don’t want to! I want to have male friends and not feel like I’m being “bad” if I continue to see them when I know they may like me….
I just think what I need is someone who is really casual about things ad just doesn’t really care. You know – I think it’s because then I don’t want to feel like I’m going to hurt any feelings if I decide to say – ‘sorry but…” – and I can’t do that to Dave. I tried tonight but … I just didn’t know how to put it! With everyone else I’m really up front but I guess I just think he may have a complex because … of his height or something.
See – his 6 foot 5 inches. He had to duck to walk under the doorway. But the truth is that it’s me and not him. I’m just really not interested in being “tied down” as such…
But on top of that – there was no real – you know – that amazing feeling/interest.
I just didn’t have any real – Chemistry.
When I looked at Eve we both just went – nice - I want that.
The mind races and you just feel/show a little more interest and see what you get back.
Yeah – There wasn’t that with Dave.
Oh well.

Eve. I saw a picture of his girlfriend. He showed me.
She’s nothing like me.
She was laying on a fold out bed in his apartment – yes laying fully clothed on a FOLD up bed. She was lying on her side looking up at the camera hair to the side one arm up and looking at the camera – not smiling just looking.
What the??!
“She’s a Christian” he tells me.
I look at him “Uh huh” – my first thought was she’s smaller then me.
Then she has very dark hair medium length. Pritty enough.
Just the opposite of me. I have long red/copper hair. Curly (and I straighten it).
But I would never let him take a photo of me. He tried. I was lying on my side after a raunchy night and I was just recovering lying on the floor, the most I had on was the rings on my fingers. You get the picture. Then a flash went off! I jump up and his got his camera out.
“Delete it!”
He wouldn’t but then I found it and he deleted it in front of me.
No way. Any photos like that is not a good idea.
She’s 22 years old and obviously – by the fact that she didn’t have sex with him and she’s a “Good Christian” yet she’s lying on top of HIS bed AND the fold out and allowing him to take the photo – I think it shows an immature person.
How about we just lie out some meat in front of a tiger and tell him not to eat it.
Ridicules.
Eve couldn’t believe she actually didn’t sleep with him either.
I just laughed.
It seems he doesn’t really care about her. He only cares about himself.
Oh well.
I asked him if he knows what his getting for Christmas.
He said he didn’t really need/want every thing.
“Yeah – what do you get someone who has it all??” I say
I smiled “I know something that you won’t be getting this Christmas”
He looks at me and laughs – He agrees.
It’s been over a year now since I met him and started shagging him.

I’m tired.
I’m going to go and play my guitar.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

So I wake up Saturday morning and hate men - yet only 16 hours later ...I give out my number......

I asked everyone to the carol by candlelight last night and it was good.
The good part is that everyone made an effort and came along.
I called Dave - the guy who I met the night before. I had to call around to get his number I got it and he ended up comming.
It was good we hung back for about an hour after everyone left and chatted.
He's nice - i'm just taking it as it comes.
He asked me out on Thursday. I said yes but let the record show that this is not a date.
It's a meeting of two people who enjoy just getting to know eachother in a relaxed atmosphere - simply just talking.
Thea messaged me, so I called her.
"So did you hook up with him? Tell me the goss"
"Nothing to tell - we just talked"
And honestly that's all.

Eve replied to my message I sent out inviting everyone to come along....
He actually replied.
"I can't come out tonight - i'm out with my GF"
oh.
I just looked at it for a sec - well actually probably about 20 seconds.
Just taking in those few words.
He's taking someone out.
He dosen't know me as much as I don't know him.
Maybe. I think I may know him a little better then he thinks but....
I have others to just what I think of him.
But I think we both really just did what we did with eachother. We have learnt that we can't trust eachother and it's really not the people we are. The sex was real but that's maybe about it.
I don't think either of us would actually say the things we said to eachother to someone who we really liked.
I know I wouldn't.
Maybe i'm being naive ...-again.

Nat got mugged this morning. Poor guy. I went and saw him this afternoon. We looked at old photos and took his mind off it.
Poor Nat. They got $20 and he's $20 watch his mum gave him. She never gave him anything and it was really special to him.
Stupid drugged off there heads males. Three of them.
Poor Nat.

My number.....

So how over guys am I ?
Yeah – I went out to a BBQ tonight and then the same crowd went down to the pool hall. I got talking to this guy a friend of Thea’s sister and he was nice and we got chatting. He was about to leave when he said
“So when am I going to see you next?”
“um – New Years maybe”
“Can I have your number?”
“yeah sure”
I never give out my number but being that he’s a friend of a friend I figured it’s safe.
He won’t call and I’m in two minds weather I want him to or not.

Mk went a little mad at me today in regards to the texts that Jess sent.
He said I should of just expressed my disgust in what he was doing and ended it then and there but I just keep texting back. I know I should of just stopped it and done it.
If there is ever a next time I will.
Then I got my pay out of the till and he was like “just pay yourself then” he was annoyed that I did that too.
Great.
I wish I didn’t care what he thought of me.
I guess I get a little to caring about the nice men in my life.
I drove home crying.
I really hated the fact that he thought I was playing with Jess.
I wasn’t. Yet I really should have just ended it.
I’ll know if there is ever a next time.
I don’t want a next time.

I’m tired.
Sleep now.

Naive? Maybe.

Yep – that’s right naïve.
I get a text at 2.12AM – I was sound asleep.
“Even though I have a girlfriend. My heart flutters a strange beat when I see you, You have a good Christmas get yourself a boy. A nice boy.”
I had to completely wake up because at first I thought maybe it’s from someone who mistakenly sent this to my number – I re read it then realised that I hadn’t stored Jess’s number in my phone yet and – yep, it’s him.
I didn’t lead him on or anything! I gave him NOTHING”S
I replied with “I’m done with boys. Bring on another 4.5 years of single years….Have a great first Christmas with Suzie and a safe trip up to your mums”

“Ok. Something special about you tho. My little red head free spirit”

“Why you laugh at me? If I find you so attractive surely really can’t be in love with my Girlfriend. Or do men just like what they can’t have. I’m drunk”

“My little red head free spirit makes me smile/laugh. If you don’t really love someone , it’s not fair for them or yourself to look for other options with out sorting things out with them or ending it first if that’s what has to happen. Maybe I’m a little old fashioned that way”

So anyway – I thought Jess was Mr Nice guy – turns out he’s just like all the others.
I don’t think males look at it in the same way women can. Or the way I do at least.
I mean if someone is texting me etc while they have a girlfriend then what’s to stop them from doing the same when they are with me? This is what goes on all the time!
Jack, Hat man, the married guy! And that’s only to name a few! It’s happening more and it really makes them look well….I just feel kinda like – I put them all in a bag of guys who would cheat on their girlfriends / me.
There all nice guys – of course. Yeah. Obviously. Whatever.
Makes me feel sad. It’s not a boost for the ego it’s just depressing that all guys who hit on me have girlfriends/ long term partners/ fiancé or WIFE!!! And they are all looking for one thing.
A play thing. Whatever. I’m over it. TOTALLY over it.
I’m getting angry about the whole thing.

Dam it – he was meant to be a nice guy!


I gotta go to work.

a couple of nights

So I went out last night and had a blast! :))
It was another work party – I wasn’t drinking again and again got asked by random people if I was and when I was leaving there was a lot of “What!! No!”
So that’s always kinda funny.
One of the guys who work for us wants me to just “hang out” and another wanted to go out again with the group. It was fun and really just a great group of people.
I was being “watched” so to speak – I was told on a few occasions “shouldn’t you be going to bed” and “what are you still doing hear?” – I left at midnight :)
It was just to fun to leave! I got up and played (very badly) the bass guitar and then moved on to the drums when the band wasn’t playing. They thought it was a bit of a joke. I liked it.
Then this morning I sent a text from my computer wishing a worker/guy a happy 31st birthday. He used to turn off or not answer his phone in the mornings until he met me.
I didn’t think it worked so I called him – it was 6am and I sang Happy Birthday to him :)) He thought it was funny. Ended up that he got the text and he was about to send one back.
“oh, don’t do that cos everyone in the office gets the reply- about 30 people”
He laughed and said he wouldn’t…..yeah :)
About half an hour later I see I get an email
“Thanks for the strip o gram at 5am this morning but I don’t think the companies funds should really stretch that far – she looked cold”
Nothing was said by anyone besides Raff and Eza – they just laughed.
Jess invited me out to his birthday drinks tonight and said to bring Raff too. She didn’t want to come so I asked Thea. It was nice – we stayed for about an hour and a bit before we left. Jess wants to go out to see a band or something when he gets back in the New Year. He even made a point of saying “yeeaahhh and maybe not Raff”
Then a little later he said “Yeah, I’d really like it if we could go out and see a band”
So when do I say….BOTH guys have girlfriends... Jess is VERY touchy feely type of person. And he’s really a nice guy so I really don’t think there’s anything in it.
I just don’t want to be stupidly naive but I don’t want to think I’d look and not trust everyone. I’m not that kinda person to “cut someone elces grass”(so to speak)

So it’s been really good. I napped today before I went out so I could keep going.
Out again tomorrow – I don’t know how long I can keep this up before I burn out….

I gotta go it’s late and I have to work tomorrow.
Ciao

Weekend in a happy blur / ish

Saturday night was a blast :))
I was going to go by myself then we had 2 spare tickets that were already paid for.
They asked if I wanted to invite someone.
So I called Jas (one of our workers) because I had fun with him last time and he’s good value :)
So we went and everyone got on – I didn’t have to worry about him at all.
He talked to everyone, everyone liked him and it was really fun.
Before I left I (as I was driving) I figured I’d drive and not drink.
So I had a midori and lemonade bottle before I left and thought one an hour and a bit –I’ll be ok. Maybe I would have too if I stuck to that….
I usually have two beers (glasses) and I’m … well a cheap drunk that’s all it takes. Tho I had one and a half JUGS (about 6 and a half) glasses of beer and I had a bit of a cocktail drink we all (7 of us) shared. After the 3rd beer I thought – car stays in the city and I’ll cab it home. ... :))
Deb pipes up that I should stay at Jas’s house – I said no buy the end of the 4th I asked if it was ok to crash on his couch.
He said it was.
So I danced and danced and danced some more :)
Everyone left and we stayed on.
We befriended two girls (one who wanted jas ) the other I danced with and around other guys.
Lots with other guys …. :)) There was one Brazilian guy who really couldn’t speak much English but we worked it out. We kissed – a little –well not heaps but not just a little and it was really good. Just dancing close and kissing – me drunk and can’t remember what he looked like …. But the other girl said he was cute.
She was a bit more sober then me:)
When he asked me to see him NEXT Saturday for a BBQ at his house – I was like,
“Hang on – I just need to get a drink”
Yeah – I went and sat down for about 5 minutes found Jas and we hot footed it outta there. I wanted to kiss the guy, stuff seeing him again it was just dance floor fun !
So yeah – We left and cabed it to Jas’s house, I slept on the couch – he sat next to me and kept me awake chatting and (I don’t really remember what was said). It was hours before I went to sleep then woke up with a hangover. Yeeshh.

The next day was 40 degrease I left and picked up my car at 12 noon then joined up with Thea and friends and went to the river then went out for dinner and finished up the day with playing some football (6 of us) I got home REALLY past my bed time but I really had a fantastic weekend :D

Today at work I paid for it – I had NO patience and didn’t really talk that much (to everyone else) because I couldn’t be bothered. I came home and slept for two hours.
Now I gotta go. I want to go and sleep. It’s only 7pm but I’m still really tired.

Ciao for now

The states fires

The fires are getting worse! They say it's just going to get worse! Oh God!
It's really bad.
There's a haze of smoke covering the sky.
All those animals which can't be saved...

I better go.
I need a nap.

Girly man.... wanted to see me but he's not answering his phone.....

hmmm....

Sex - I'm not

So Raff’s a bit cracked the sads with me ka sa rarh sa rah – Whatever.
She’s got issues. She told me yesterday that I reminded her of the “out going….. sleeps with every one” (it’s was in an email just one of those funny forward ones going around)
"That's nice" I say unamused. Whatever - she's obviously got issues.
I was then talking about how I had dinner with the ex yesterday and she says
“That’s wrong – you see him more then you see your friends”
I just thought he is a friend but I just said he’s a nice guy and left it at that.
Then I was asked what I’m going to do in the afternoon and I said I’m going to give my hair a good scrub and she pipes and starts laughing
“What?”
“Oh, don’t worrie I shouldn’t say it”
“say what?”
“No really, I shouldn’t say it”
“ok” I say just thinking whatever – I don’t care, so then of course she then decides to say it
“I was going to say “scrubba” ”
“Yeah – that’s great.”
I had stuff to do so I just walked off. I really don’t care – Whatever.
Her issues not mine.

So anyway, I have the Christmas party for work this Saturday – that should be nice :)

Were having massive fires around the state and it’s only meant to be getting worse as the weekend comes along.
I’m going to go now – I need a nap. And Eve… but again not going to happen.
How many times does a guy think about sex in a day cos I bet at the moment I’m way up there with them! Especially when it’s not so busy at work!

longing for Eve...

I don’t like talking about people in a negative way.
This “blogging” is my thoughts and ok they aren’t so private but if someone confides in me, I’m not about to go and tell anyone what was said to me – It’s just not what you do.
You just don’t. Hence I’m talking about work but life in general too.
So yeah. That’s just my thoughts on that.

I saw the ex tonight. He made me vegetable soup and I brought over the bread – it was nice. We just chat and that’s it. Nothing in it. At all – and I don’t want anything in it.

I’m tired. I need sleep.
Late night last night and again tonight.
I want Eve tonight…
Yeah….
So…..yeah
Not going to happen.
dam.

Changing minds

Last night was good – it’s nice to tell someone that I’ve been single for 4 and a half years and they look really surprised then ask “Why??”

I’m forever changing my mind about what to do over my holidays.
Bite the bullet and just go over to Vietnam or not.

Nick still hurts.
I really wish he didn’t.

Girly Man is coming down on Thursday! Yea! Catching up with him and his partner for drinks or dinner maybe – well see.

I caught up with a friend today and she’s so beautiful and made me see that just maybe there is really someone out there who will see me for who I am and love me for it….
Yeah – I hate being single at the moment. Holidays are more expensive and I feel lonely. This is a first – I’m actually contemplating perhaps allowing myself to have a relationship…. Maybe.

I don't regret the things i've done but those I didn't do --Live with no regrets -

So I pushed in the numbers to his room on the intercom.
It rang and again – I really didn’t think he would even be home being that it was almost midnight on a Friday night. It kept ringing – It picked up
“Hi Geek” He sounded surprised.
“Hi”
“Hold on, I’ll come down”
Oh, His got company. His brother maybe…. Or another girl…..
I waited in the Foyer. Being that I had just come back from my work party I was looking rather nice in my new dress and kinda nicely done up.
He came down.
He showed me over to the couches where we sat and talked.
“You look nice, where have you been?”
I told him about my night out.
“So, Who’s upstairs?”
“Just a friend”
“Just a friend – female?”
“Yeah – but it’s not like that”
“ Yeah right – I don’t care”
“It’s not-“
“Is she from church?”
“Yeah”
“Well I better go now”
“What? Why? Don’t be silly – stay and talk for a bit”
“You’ve got a girl upstairs waiting for you and I’m hear come to screw you brains out and it’s not going to happen”
He smiled “Don’t say that… She’s not waiting for me”
(Yeah I know the word “screw” is soooo crass/dirty and crude but seemed fitting. In Heinz sight I should of said “hear I am thinking about seducing you –but oh well)
Hmm.
So we talked Turns out he’s got some 23 year old girl from his church lying on his bed (on top I was told rather then IN - whatever)- staying over- but it’s supposedly - not like that. Yeah – Right! I know what that girl is thinking and don’t tell me she’s not at least hoping/wanting it to happen! Espcially when she’s STAYING THERE!!!
“I’ve gotta go this isn’t right”
“Why?”
“She’s waiting for you and you down hear talking to me”
“She’s not waiting for me”
”Yeah – she is” I picked up my things and headed for the door with him following behind me. I thought that was funny – he walked me outside and we said good bye kiss on cheek – A group of young girls walked out and he saw one he knew – again from church! OMG!
When that crowd left we were still standing at the entrance.
“Everything seems to be very Churchy tonight”
“Yeah” he agreed.
We looked at each other and I was tempted to kiss him something fierce.
Something that would keep him wanting more.
Again – another kiss on the cheek.
I smiled “bye”
“see ya”
I walked off - he watched me. When I turned around he was only just walking through the doors.
Maybe I left a slight impression after all….
Ok – maybe it’s not the best impression to leave but it was only a few weeks ago someone was begging me to come round…..
So yeah.
I wouldn’t do that for anyone else – I mean it may sound “wrong” but I kinda look at it like we just have great sex and that’s it really. I mean – I don’t want to sleep with lots of people – just lots with the one person…. And with him it great so….. Yeah.


My best friend Thea came back today – I hope I don’t get to tired while she’s hear.
I hate feeling tired.