The culprit has been named

I’m tired today.
Lots of work equals tired me.
Spoke to the other night duty person this morning and it concluded that it was DEFINATLY Nick who wrote the email. My initial reaction was hurt. I guess even tho I knew it was him there was always that maybe sorta ….Well the small thought the .01 % where I thought maybe just maybe it wasn’t him.
It was. It really was.
She agrees along with others who know that he’s mixing his personal life with work and think it’s wrong.
She actually asked him “I thought you two were friends?”
His response –“Yeah, I did too.”
WHAT THE?!!!???!!!???? Hey buddy – I’m not the one who for some unknown reason decides to be so cold and have something snap that makes me mix personal life with friendship!
If that’s he’s attempt to say it’s not me it’s her then I’m afraid he’s sadly mistaken.
It ridicules really. I don’t know what he’s thinking.
I think he’s on tonight hence tomorrow morning.
Sigh. It’s hard to work with someone who… just … I don’t know….
When I look at him I feel like I just want answers. I want to know answers so I can feel or get some sort of emotion for him because right now I just feel a little hurt and I want to know what he’s thinking so I can maybe see how I’m feeling to the reaction of how he’s feeling – make sense?
Yeah.
So….. yeah.
Why is there a stupid little part of me that wants him to say everything just say it all straight in black and white. Tell me everything every thought every emotion every feeling. Tell me where it was where things just went wrong.
Hmm...
Knowing this just amazes me and makes me think again that really maybe I really didn't know him and those "moments" where we just clicked and mid laughter just can't explain when we went out with girly man and his partner.
I guess it's all the past and there is no future. I have to just accept it.

HUH??

So I took yesterday off work, wasn’t well. Emotionally wreaked and the cold didn’t help.
I go in today and thank God Nick wasn’t there. I was talking to a staff on the phone and she said “I got a call yesterday morning at 9 past 5 in the morning from Nat”
“Nat?? He’s not hear at that time”
“Yeah it was” (being that there are 2 guys in the office they always say nat.
“Oh, No that was Nick”
“Oh – yeah it was really early. Anyway I couldn’t do the shift because I had other plans”
I finished the call and looked at Eza. “What? Nick was calling our staff trying to fill the shift”
“Yeah – I got a few people saying that they got an early phone call too”
So we were thinking, why is that? He makes a complaint about us then he does a back flip and helps ME try and fill the shift before I come in. It wasn’t an ASAP shift and I was quite surprised he did anything!
What is he thinking? He didn’t know that I wasn’t coming in, in the morning – yet he was helping me out…. Huh???
Eza told me he couldn’t look at her when she came in. He stared at his computer screen. Even when she said “morning” to him.
Maybe he’s got a guilty conscience.
I just thought that it was a weird thing to do. What is he thinking?
I keep thinking what girly man had said. I can’t be that much like him cos I’d never just stop talking to someone.
Now I really don’t think I knew him! Who is this guy!

Just FYI the city I live in had snow (enough to ski on) and then only six or seven days later had a day of extreme heat. The hottest day on record for November and everyone had air cons on and were at the beach.
Only in Australia!

back again

It's amazing how much eaiser it is to get over someone when they write a complaint about you at work. Why you ask? because I "talk to much and distract (the cluprit) from their work" and "I don't answer all my calls in the morning because she's eating breakfast" - Well hey - Who answers all their calls when they (the cluprit) when they go on ten miniute smokos - three times a morning!!!
I can't tell you how petty it was and the other girl whom I was meant to be "talking to causeing distraction" got taken into a meeting too.
In the end I she we told them how it was on both sides and how if anything it's us taking alot of their calls. I said "Let the record show that we would never say anything because we don't think it's a problem - it's team work, and I don't have a problem with taking calls putting them on hold to help them out."
It was so petty. I think he did it because they sorta mentioned it to the other girl in the meeting. It's really something he would do.
Yet, I don't hate him. I don't even dislike him. I think i never really knew him. If this is what he's like. I didn't believe it was him yet - all arrows point in the same direction.

I've been sick since last Wednesday and I had today off. The doctor gave me tomorrow off too but I don't want to stay home as that would mean staying home with brother.

I spoke to my doctor and she thinks I should go away to one of the Islands off Australia for a couple of weeks for a holiday.
If I was to go away - it would be by myself.... I think I will.
She reminded me how sometimes it's nice to have time by yourself.
Yeah. I'm going to look into a cheap deal where I can have 2 weeks of solotary relaxation. Being that I'm feeling suffocated with certain friendships - I really need to get away.

Reasons to sign off for awhile.....

I feel physically drained and emotionally guttered.
I thought I could get over Nick. If it was up to me now – I wouldn’t see him. It’s killing me seeing him in the mornings and we no longer talk.
It's not in my nature to ignore someone. To make them feel uncomfortable.
I never thought he did that either... I guess he's proven me wrong.
I reread through some emails we sent each other. I delated them soon after but it just made me think again, about how we had really good conversations and related really well. We were friends. Nothing else.
I’m dealing with the rejection (which he said he’s not doing but I can’t see it otherwise) – I feel like his pushed me away. Like there’s something wrong with me (which he said there’s not but it’s something).
I’m dealing with my stupid ass father and brother, Nick, Eve and Drew who is really nice but he flirts with me and I don’t want it to look like I’m leading him on.
He’s just to nice and at 35 screams commitment and just not my sota guy.

I read my Alen Alda book and loved it. But who could I tell who cares?
No one likes M*A*S*H – Who’s he? Yeah.

I hate the fact that I go into work now and don’t talk to Nick.
(My eyes are filling up in tears.)
I hate the fact that he despises me to the point that he doesn’t even look in my direction. What have I done that has made him do a complete back flip?
I feel like if I talk to him it just makes him hate me more.
Once he leaves and I don’t have to see him…..I’ll stop feeling like this…
Out of sight out of mind…….Right.

God. It’s all too much to deal with. I feel like I can’t handle it all.
Relationships. I feel smothered by people.
My one-day off was spent being hung over.
I feel like I need space at the moment. I’ve turned off my phone. I don’t want to “talk” to anyone. I don’t want to see anyone.
I just feel a bit over everything.
I want to go and write. Write a book.
Maybe a short story.

I just need time to me.
I’ve had enough.
I’m going to sign off for a few days.
Just do what I want to do. Read. Sleep. Write. Play my guitar. Spend time with Damon.
Just to be alone.
I’m craving that solitude.

....yeah

I deleated Eves number - again. The only way for me to get it again is if he contacts me. Yeah.

Christmas is comming soon.
yeah. Great.

I don't look forward to christmas. I like the lead up but this year- it's empty.
I can look forward to my painful brother screaming, yelling abuse at me and consistantly causing me grief because I don't see my father and I don't pretend to like him.
My mum was talking to one of her friends who's daughter is getting married. Mum said "I don't think my daugher would want her father to walk her down the isale, if it was up to her he wouldn't even be invited!"
She told me this and I said "Dam straight. I knew that when I was a kid"
"who would you get to walk you down the isal?"
I think I would walk myself down or - well, it's too far away, I don't think I should even thinking it but sometimes you just do.
No street works.
I feel like that song " So this is Christmas, and what have you done?"
Not alot.
I suggest I go and watch St Theresa the movie again.
Give to those who have not that much.
I love big gatherings.

gross

Oh God.
Last night I got so drunk and I was such a lady.
I hung my head out Raffs moving car and puked. ALLLL over the passenger door.
I had a foul mouth and I think I’m more really annoyed with the way I was thinking which because I was a tad drunk and hormonal.
To cut it short Raff and I went out originally for a walk. I got pathetically drunk and called Eve. We met up. Just after parking the car with Raff, she told me she didn’t want to go out for more drinks with him.
So I asked if she didn’t mind if I LEFT her and went with Eve! She said no I can. She left and I then get a msg “ Thanks Karen!”
I called her straight away and I asked if she was angry with me? (stupid question)
“Yes I am.”
“ Ok, I’m on my way.” I hung up the phone and looked at Eve – “I gotta go”
“ok”
So I left. But I really hate the fact that I really wanted to go up to Eves apartment.
I was so drunk and I didn’t care and didn’t want to think just do.
But I went back to Raff and proceeded to go back to her house hang my head outta her car and chunder all over the side of her car. We then made about 3 or 4 stops where I had to hurl. It was so disgusting. I got home and stumbled my self into the shower half dressed – Raff came in and helped me as I was such a stupid mess.
I threw up in the shower too.
Oh it was gross.
Eve is… I’m more angry at myself for letting myself do that. To call him , meet up then ditch Raff.
I’m really angry that I did that even tho I ended up going back to see her.
I don’t even like Eve.
Blah.
This morning Drew was flirting with me again.
He asked if I wanted him to massage my shoulder,( as it was a little sore) I said “No.”
Ten minutes later he did anyway. I just thought – hey, don’t want to send wrong signals – I did say I didn’t want it rubbed…..I didn’t want to sound like I was being mean by shrugging him off but later I did just that.
I don’t want Raff to hate me or feel jealous.
I felt really awkward.

I better go.
I have to go shop for food.
I’m just not into men at the moment. In the slightest. At all.
I want to be single – forever.

Hopefully this is the last post about Nick...

I’m less confused then I was last night.
I re read a text Nick gave me a while ago. When we were “friends”
In my mobile phone I have a section for texts that make me smile and feel better about myself when I’m a little down.
I came across this one from Nick.
To paint the picture I was upset about Girly Man going away and we were planning to go out for drinks.

“ That was me calling…don’t be sad kaz, I’m looking forward to going out on the 16th sure it won’t be the same but anyway Girly Man is alive and walking the earth just knowing this makes me happy. Enough ranting, a BIG warm hug from me. :)”

And I remember him taking a video on his phone of me then awhile (couple of weeks) telling me how he watches it and laughs. It was just a video that I didn’t realise he was taking and when I realised it was really close to me and I got a surprise.
Another time he stood behind me and blew on my neck.
He spoke about the future still just being friends but about late next year.
He use to come and say good-bye to me at work.
We spoke for hours on the phone and it was him calling me a lot of the time too!
This text reminded me of that.
Now – he can’t even look at me. I tried to make small talk yesterday and Nat said that I looked really pathetic trying to make small talk with someone who didn’t want to talk and had really short answers.
Reading the text last night I remembered these things.
I don't feel so stupid thinking maybe it was me.
To go from this to simply being cut off without an explanation baffles me.
But I guess I now feel more like…. I remember the warmth. Real comfort in knowing that he didn’t just wake up one day and hate me – Maybe he just … thought it was for the best. Yeah. So I have to deal with this but I feel now a little better.
I don’t know what I did and he says I didn’t do anything.
I didn’t expect to see him today. I drove into the car park and saw his car. My stomach tightened again. The hurt was fresh as ever and I prayed about it breathed in and faced him. Only to result in no words spoken – at all.
A mutual Good morning but that’s where it ended.

Now there’s also Drew…. Who likes me too.
Raffs brother. I’m trying to tone down that whole situation and just I don’t know talk about different guys, people – I think if I talk about someone else like Nick to him or other guys that’ll turn him away a bit.
I just don’t want him to develop feelings toward me.
I know he’s flirting but I don’t want anything to happen. It’s starting to concern me because he … I don’t know – asks me to come round and we all watch Movies together… I just think… I don’t want him to think we could ever be anything.
He’s 35 and any sort of relationship would spell commitment.
That scares the crap outta me!!!
Relationships scare the crap outa me! Nick – maybe he felt the same way.
It’s got to a point where we were comfortable with each other and just I guess a good friendship.
Ivy asked him the other day what happened to why he doesn’t talk to me – I didn’t ask her to say anything she just wanted to probe him off the own back – but he didn’t let on anything. Didn’t want to “talk behind her back”. He wouldn’t have told her anyway. I really felt 50/50 I didn’t want him to be there- yet, I wanted to see him…. And for him maybe to see me.

Ok. I’m done.
Hopefully that’s enough of Nick.

I’m going to go and read Allen Alda’s Biography. I brought it today.
Yes I love M*A*S*H

Nice to feel all new again

Well I've been, showered, shaved, waxed, plucked,dyed and dryed.
My hair was looking very faded so nice to be darker and richer in colour again.

About a week and a half ago it was 32 degreese. Now it's 13 degreese and snowing.
Were in the middle of a drought and today it snowed.
Yep only in Australia will you have the aircon on one day & heater the next.

I'm off to play my guitar. I didn't have to go to work this afternoon so hence I had some time. Much needed time.

long post again

I’ll try and keep this short.
Two nights ago, it was 10.05pm I’m lying in bed drifting off to sleep in a very vulnerable moment. Cos I’ve been feeling confused etc.
My mind drifts to Eve, Wondering what he’s doing being that I was possibility considering….But I was glad that I had deleted his number from my phone.
So it’s 10.05 and my phone rings.
I didn’t recognise the number I actually thought it was Girly Man for the first few sentences of hello.
Anyway it’s the slightly drunken Eve wanting me to come round.
I have to say that I was all for it but I ended up keeping my faith in God and declined his offer.
He rang 4 or 5 times begging me to come over. He was even prepared to pay $70 and organise to get me a cab!
Talking to him he said “don’t get all psychological on me”
“So where is your head space – how does being a Christian come into this.”
He tried to ignore the question.
In the end I didn’t go. I sent this text to him –

“It’s so hard for me to say no, a night with you would be great, mind blowing even but I have faith in God that if I put my faith in him & believe that he’s got something more beautiful for me if I just do what pleases him, he will eventually show me someone who wants me for who I am and I’ll be able to see how good it would be with that person rather then empty sex for self pleasure purpose. It’s hard but it’s not meant to be easy. I care about your mind space at the moment. I hope you understand xo”

He still wanted me to come round.
Above is the truth, the more Eve spoke the more I also just thought stop talking because the more he was saying the more I got totally turned off. He really doesn’t know me.
I was really glad I said no. It was soooo hard being that I was longing to be held, touched and everything that sex brings but no. I rang Raff and I was really glad I didn’t.
I don’t want to give advice to someone and not take it myself.

So anyway.
I am a very relaxed/laied back type of person when it comes to cleaning.
I was told “Your so relaxed you could be comatose” – coming from someone who would never wear an odd pair of socks.

Went out to Raffs last night and had a good night. I coloured her hair and she got annoyed with me. I thought it was because she got a bit of colour on her skin (really wasn’t anything cos I was really careful).
She comes into work this morning and after about 20minutes she asks me if I could go to the toilets with her. So I did she wanted to talk.
We get there and she starts apologising for the way she was last night.
I was surprised. Huh?
“The Colour?” I ask
“No- it’s because I just got really jealous of you last night. I don’t mean to be but I did”
“Huh?? Why??” I tried to think what it could be.
“You know I know my brothers single and your single” – I kept listening
Tunes out she looks to me like a third wheel in a way because I get along with her brother and he talks about me and wants me to come round and she feels like I’m only going over to see him not her. (That isn’t true at all. Raff is a great girl)
They are still getting to know each other being that there is an 11-year age gap between them and he moved out when she was still a kid.
So she still want’s me to come round and doesn’t want anything to change but I think she wanted to let me know how she feels.
I have to take this into consideration now. I don’t think I’ll go over there so much, she can come over hear and I think I’ll just … I don’t know, stop being so…. Me…I guess. Ummm….. ok. I don’t want her to feel like I don’t value her friendship.
When I really do. We laugh all the time and it’s fun.

I had a dream that I kissed Nick.
I think I dreamt it because Ivy from work said that she thinks I really like him more then I let on and I tell myself that I don’t – but she thinks I do.
Hears the thing. She may be right.

I saw him today and my stomach twisted in hurt and I felt like I wanted to cry.
I didn’t let it show of course.
As Nat said to me friends don’t hurt you like that.
I try to remember that. He cares but this is his choice. He’s made his decision….
But…. It still hurts.

It's only my opinion

I went to Mons after work yesterday and on the way home I just didn’t want to be alone so I rang Raff and we took off on a 8km round trip walk….in thongs (I think another word for them is flip flops?) along the beach. One word. Blisters.
Painful, painful blisters.
We ended up going to the Theme park and went on one ride then like this scare place type maze thing. We laughed and screamed so much it turned out to be a really good night.
Raff was saying how she didn’t really know how to start conversations with people – Well – that’s a green light for me to show her how.
We stoped and spoke to two police people one male and one female. Chatted to them for awhile then, walked down the pier talked to a fisherman – after the theme park we went and had a drink and I started small talk with one of the male waiters there.
It was really a good night.
When we got back to her place her brother had waited up for us – I mean I think he only came home about 20 min before us.
His name is Drew.
We started to watch Harry Potter 3 nearly half way through Raff went to bed. Drew and I stayed up and I fell asleep about 20 min after that. Before going to bed with Raff – in her double bed.
This morning I get up and Drews already up showered and dressed made me tea and breakfast.
I was soooo tired. Raff and I stumble out of bed and on to the couch and we all ate in front of the T.V. Raff went and had a shower. Drew and I kept watching the movie.
- ok this is getting boring. To much detail.
In short – I was sitting there in my PJ’s being introduced to there parents who dropped round. I had to go shower real quick – later I was told that Raffs Dad asked if I slept with Raff? I think he was shocked. I was her first ever sleep over and she had never been allowed to stay over night anywhere in her life.
We all had a laugh about it when they left.

We also went to a budda festival today. My feet were killing me!
I was meant to go there with Nick. I really missed him. I almost cried because I REALLY missed him. Just his conversation the way we clicked.
I saw some incense that I knew he liked and I wanted to buy it for him, but I didn’t. I had to remember and really stop myself but I didn’t. That made me feel a little sad and looking at the garden roses and stuff. I just missed him.
Sigh.
I still had a good time but it’s one of those things where I felt like if I spent to long looking at things or pictures I would be a pain. They kept saying that it was ok and not to worrie but I know that’s not really their thing and I didn’t want to be a pain.
Nick liked that sorta thing. Taking in the views, pictures and the history…. I missed him.
After that we went shopping and I was tired and my feet ached and I complained.
When we got home from that Drew was sitting /lying on the couch I sat next to him and we chatted I had no shoes or socks on.
“Hear” Drew said taking my foot. He put it on his stomach and started to massage it.
It was nice. My feet were really sore. He did it for about 10 minutes.
… we were talking in general about relationships and I said how I didn’t want one and he said he takes things as they come.
Can’t say I didn’t say that I’m not interested…. yeah?
I’m just confused at the moment and I think ….it’s probably in my best interest to just stay as I am. I’m enjoying that and it works.
Drew mentioned that I have to come around and watch the 4th movie…
Yeah….. It’s just fun.

Drew said something to me this morning. He said
”You know how you judge people when you first meet them?”
“Those who judge will be judged themselves – as the bible says”
“Yeah but you know, you just judge them”
“I spend time with them and form my own opinion of them.”
Anyway blah blah blah small talk, and he comes out with
“Your different”
“how?”
“Your not like anyone else”
“No ones like that, everyone’s different What are you saying?”
We laughed
“I’ve been told I’m “Unique” ( in that dumb way joke type)”
“Your different your not like me – go to work, have a hobby or two, sleep and that’s it just the run of the mill type of person”
I think he needs to look or understand more people. Maybe meet more people – Realise that there is no real run of the mill type of person. I think God needs to show him more people/ depth/ glow in people – maybe that’s it.
There’s more to it a door needs to be opened so he can see something I’m not sure but I’m sure God will revile in due time and maybe I can help with that.

not long ater the last post

My hair is in rollers.
i' drank half a botltel of red. and had two handrfulls of cormfalkes.
BUI isn't all what's it's cracked up 2 be.
I want to email nick. I won't.


men suck. Ya dammed if ya do and dammend if you don't.
and if ya do CrisriNITY WILL be a problem and if you don''t then youjcould be letting someone who is amazing go from your life.

I could tell nick my poetry.

F##k. why did I trust him?
i d0n't want to go to be d alone tonight.

Red emotions in a glass

I walk into work today and Nick was there. He wasn’t in the room when I got there.
Oookaay.
By the time he came back I was sitting at my desk getting ready for the day.
I made a couple of urgent calls then I realised that I haden’t got my book from my pidgion hole.
I stood up and walked over. I looked up at it and stoped. It seemed like I stopped for about six or seven seconds but I guess it was just about five.
My stunned reaction must have been obvious. He put the DVD I leant him in it and didn’t say anything. I guess because I stopped, took it down looked at it then I hear – I “responded to your email.”
I was taken aback.
I just felt like he had steped on me – again.
I just wish I knew what was his deal.
I came home at the end of the day and surprise surprise he haden’t.
Nothing. Nothing.
ok.
He’s working tomorrow. I don’t know what to say. I stammered when he answered the phone this morning when I called saying I may be a little late.
I wasn’t expecting it.
Why would he tell me that he returned my email when clearly - he didn’t.
There is no grey area. It’s is simple – yes or no. Black or white.
I want to get over this. I want to stop thinking about it. I know I can but it dosen’t stop myself from being totally guttered. I feel like he’s stomping all over me.

When I realised he was at work this morning – my heart sped up and I wanted to see him but at the same time I was apprenhisive.

Now – well I’m BUI (blogging under the influence – red wine) and I’m just wanting to hear from him – yet I know it won’t happen.

Eve. Called him last night - he want’s to be set up with one of my friends. I said no.
I wouldn’t anyone I know going out with him. I think all of my friends could defiantly find someone with more… respect and just really someone who is nice. I wouldn’t recommend him to anyone.

I feel the effects of this very nice red wine and I haven’t had a drink for a very very long time... the effects are nice.... heavy arms, tingly cheeks,heavy head and legs.

......

Oh Nick.
I miss you.
.....
Shame.
He'll never read this.

Pitty takes many forms

So I wake up this morning to 15 – yes - 15 missed calls.
And one message received.
Who wanted to contact me 15 times! And at 1:30am!
I go to message received and it’s Eve.
“hey”
Then came the missed 15 phone calls.
What the??
I text him back
”Just got you msg/calls phone was on silent – I was asleep”
I sent it.
He called straight away. We talked for about ten fifteen minutes but I thought what was he thinking? The called 15 times in half and hour.
He told me he was drunk.
“Who did you go out with?”
“I went by myself” we kept talking aimlessly for a little then… I was a bitch.
“You went out by yourself. – Do you get lonely?”
“yeah sometimes. Do you?”
“Occasionally”
I regretted saying it. What a horrible, awful thing to say.
Really it was just like rubbing a little salt into what I knew would have been an open wound. He’s lonely, alone and sad. Hence his calls which was a result of going out and getting blind.
I feel sorry for him. I was annoyed with him because I just think how he treated me and really he’s personalty. How it did a flip over every day. Every day he was different either super passionate or he was really awful. He spent all his time in front of the computer, (didn’t “let” me simply to check my emails – small thing but it was the way he said it with so much… I don’t know – disrespect) – the way he would pick on me for my like/interest in poetry – my guitar. Make me feel like it was something stupid. But really – I have an interest. I have something I enjoy doing. Something I like.
I have friends to go out with and have fun with. He … he has a couple of friends who are mostly married and don’t go out in the city where he lives.

I’m tired. I’m going to bed and …. I’m going to call him.

I sent Gareth a msg asking if he wanted to catch up last weekend and he replied that he was watching a dvd with a girl he met last week.
I was very glad to hear that.

maybe not

I slept on and off all day today.
So so tired.
I felt like I was walking around in a daze. I worried about myself driving!
Last night I went out drank water and had a great time.
Some guy supposedly (as Raff and Erin put it) went in to kiss me and in my words I accidentally head butted the guy – Oh well we just laughed.
I danced and danced I left around 11:15pm it was about 40 min after we arrived.

Nick would have got my email by now and with no reply.
I was really sad in my dazed state today. Walking around the shops thinking about Nick and wondering I should pursue it.
I know I shouldn’t but it hurts to think about not having him in my life.

I got my hair cut yesterday – still long, just layered the whole lot and my hair jumped up nearly 30cm, So I looked like a mop of red curls.

Just spent 20 min on the phone to Girly mans partner. She’s a really genuine girl.
Down to earth and really honest. A really nice girl I’m hoping everything goes well for them interstate.

I was going to stay with them in my holidays but I’m going to think about it.
See if I can get a few different prices in where to stay.
His partner Bron, I know how she would feel if I stayed there and I don’t think it would be the best idea.
She’s not all that confident in herself when really she should be because she’s Georges and pretty on the outside and on the in.
I don’t think she will look to me as a threat but I don’t want to cause unneeded worries for her.
Girly man is a very warm caring person and if a girl had no respect for the partner or for relationships they would probably try something and I don’t think Girly man would do anything but that doesn’t stop some girls.

I think – treat others the way you want to be treated and also putting yourself in someone elces shoes. Imagine how they would feel. If you know a person then it’s not how you would feel in their shoes but how they feel.
There’s a difference.

Confrontation

My hearts thumping as I await Nicks email. He said he replied to mine.
He said that it pretty much says don’t send texts / emails to him.
….
I got it, it went like this

“Relax and please stop sending these inane emails & sms's - they are not appreciated.
You have not done anything you not being rejected but I'm thinking we are so different I'm going to leave it at that”
Nick

Tears roll down my face. This morning he was in the kitchenette at work and I confronted him. He said “it’s getting to heavy….. I think we should just keep any friendship at work”
I looked at him.
“Really?? Is it something I’ve done?”
“No…I can’t talk about it…..not hear not now…..not at work….”
I stood there in partial shock that I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!
I think now – he was always talking about doing things together in the future.
I didn’t make him stay on that phone for hours on end.
Yeah.
I think he liked me.
And a part of me liked him more then a friend but I knew that I didn’t want to cross that line because I didn’t want to get hurt and I like the single life.
I wasn’t counting on being hurt more then what I thought was possible.

Deep down I know that’s what most likely happened. There’s no other reason if he’s telling the truth.
I think what he meant by “we are so different” our morals maybe. With me being a Christian and trying to do the right thing and he who isn’t but he does good things.

I’m going to give him space. I’m not going to email him again but I wanted to send a last email to him. So I did. I just didn’t want him to think that I felt any different towards him.
I just wonder if he decides to change his mind… I really doubt he will but if he does decide to reveal all and he tells me how he feels and if it’s the fact that he wants a relationship…. Well I’m looking into it WAY to much.

Things really don’t make sense. But … they do add up.

White shirt you say?

Went for a run today. I wore a white top and black running ¾ pants.
The sun was shining I had my sunnies on and it was really warm.
Then – The heavens opened and it didn’t just rain, it pored. It didn’t let up for about 20 min and I just had to keep going! So I’m walking along a busy main rd and I get a beep from some young guy in a car going past. Yes. Wet T shirt competition and I was the only competitor! I may as well have been running around in my bra! I just ignored the fact that I had to run another 35 min in my wet T shirt/bra.
Great.

Nick – still not talking to me. Ignoring me. It’s driving me crazy and I miss talking to him.
But I mean it’s him being weird not me.
It hurts me that he’s being the way he is. I feel like I have done something wrong.
I don’t think I have…. Sigh.
I just don’t understand him.


I can't believe we made ANOTHER statue of a horse. Man! We already have the real thing stuffed in the museume isn't that enough??

and the answer is....

I was talking to my cousin on the phone.
She said that it looks like I can take the girls interstate :))
I’m going to look into prices and stuff tonight on the internet. It would be great really great to spend a couple of days by myself then spend 4 or 5 days with them.
Just the two older girls are 10 and 8 years old.
They can’t swim all that well so I said it would be good if they could because I want to take them to water world. Heaps of water slides and pools, would be fantastic:)
They are great kids too.

I didn’t go out tonight it was cancelled. I’m not going riding tomorrow either.
I’m going to ride my bike tomorrow instead and go to walk the thousand stairs….well maybe not so much the stairs see how it goes.

Halloween yesterday – I had about 6 kids rock up
“trick or treeeet”
“Sorry guys – I haven’t got anything for you”
“oh ok” then the all turn around an walk off then this little girl about 6 or seven year old cute as anything not really dressed up just in clothes from the 80’s ish
“That means a trick – we have to play a trick on you” She was this little girl with shoulder length hair very cute and she hung back squinting her eyes trying to look like a witch “a trick he heh he” –
I just laughed ”see ya”
She ran off – all the kids had heaps of chocolate and stuff in their plastic shopping bags.
It’s Americas tradition – not ours. Kids - get over it.

It feels like a better thing to do rather then to go to Vietnam by myself.
This feels like fun and just right. I’d really look forward to seeing them and going to the theme parks and seeing girly man and Bonnie his partner. Lots of fun :))