Poetry and Juzzie reflections

My brains gone into over load! I have sooo much to think about! So much to say, so much to do and I want to do it all now!
Things I have on my mind:
- Real Estate license
- My street work, organizing social nights and stuff
- My article I have yet to write for magazine
- Poetry and words, that seem to be screaming to come out
- My guitar ( oh how I love it)
- fitness
- working full time and trying to keep my head above water with the bills
All together sprinkled with my thoughts on how I can somehow be some sort of positive impact on this street kid who I seem to adore. Juzzie.
doesn't help that I'm caffeine sensitive and seem to be wide eyed and strangely can't stop some sort of movement and I can hear my heart beating seemingly faster then normal. Gotta love those "V" drinks.
I'm thinking about Juzzie because the police chased after him last Wednesday and caught him. I don't know what he did but I'm yet to find out.
I went home and had a dream about him. We were sitting on the steps and talking and he was telling stuff about his family. I don't remember what but he was talking non stop. I'm smiling looking at the little boy who just needs to be loved and given a chance.
Dream stops and goes off on different tangent.
I can't remember what.
I think I dreamt this because something that warms my heart is that Juzzie is a kid who likes the whole "street feeling". Being in the "click" with the other street kids BUT one big thing that I saw that happened ( well I found it to be big)
was that there was this girl about 19yo and her boyfriend. They are both "streeties".
Juzzie puts on the act.
"Hi guys!"
"Ooww! Juzzie! Hi sweetheart!" She leans over to him to hug him. I watch his reaction. He steps away, eyes widen reluctantly pats her back - he's really quite obviously uncomfortable.
A bit later he's sitting down, she sits next to him, moves into his personal space.
In a flash he's at least a meter away from her.
This is the "click" he's being associated with.
I guess I feel for him because I look to him as a little boy with a huge "Street act"
and he values my opinion of him.
He controls himself around me. He doesn't try to put on his "act" he seems to be a little kid when I talk to him where his a little hard, bad arse street kid to others.
I'm glad he smiles when he sees me. I feel love when we hug to say hello, it feels real. I want to be a positive impact in some small way in his life.
Now my guitar. I've been having 3am chords and writing sessions.
It's something which I'm not good at but enjoy doing.
My mind races.
Stupid men in my life.
The boxing things good. It's fun, a little embarrassing when there's cute guys taking the class and you find yourself smiling and stuffing up. Typical!
The upcoming emerging writer's festival. I'm leaving work early to check out a few different talks and things. I'm really excited and looking forward to it!
You always seem to leave those things inspired and revived.
I don't know if I'll ever get to show my stuff to anyone. Play my guitar in front of anyone or do anything like that. It's not that I don't have confidence cos I could read someone else's writing but - well I guess...- maybe... - ok so no confidence in that respect for my own writing/poetry/songs but I just like doing it.
Ha - it's easy to blog it but I know that I'd just get embarrassed if I did something like that. Show it to anyone that is.

It's going to be a short post because I HAVE to go and study. My attention spand lasts five minutes.
I had a good day today. Work was good we're getting a family feeling in the shop and salon. I might have to make more of an effort just so I don't get fired for being slack. I was on the phone to a client today for ten minutes - she was drunk at 11am and I couldn't get her off the phone! It was hallerous because she wouldn't stop! From telling me about her dogs crap stuck on it's arse to telling me she didn't like the other woman I once worked with because " She wore so much make up, you could scrape it off with a stick!!!" It certainly made me laugh.
I saw that the Irish dance team are comming to melbourne. I really want to go.
I want to ask this guy who I think would maybe like to go. But it's a little awkward because we discovered that we like eachother but I stuffed it because thats just what I seem to do, when I find out someone may be intrested. I just don't seem to think before I speak. Nothing lost if I do ask him, only squashed confidence but I'm thinking he's no longer interested.
Hell! I don't even know the guy!
I've got to go hit the books. Oh...maybe I should just quickly ring and stop thinking about it.
Steelo invited me out for drinks tonight. I'm not going. I have to do this study.
Ok i'm off.

Siblings

I shake my head. I HATE thinking that I have to make someone proud of me.
I think that my own standards are high enough.
I sit hear. I'm at the kitchen table and I'm on my lap top.
I don't hate anyone. No one. Even the people who made my life hell as a teenager, I don't hate anyone. Except one person. This hate is directed to my brother. The child who I don't relate with, is the exact opposite to myself, I can't stand living hear with him. It's a constant headache which drives me to the edge.
I turn into a different person. I hate the person I am around him. I hate his negativeness and I hate the fact that I can't get out because of my situation financially. He drives me to self destruction. You know the sort. Drinking into oblivation and hoping that the hate will evoperate and you just forget all the things that you have just both said. I sit hear and drink my Merlot waiting for it's affects. It's got a good taste but when you are just out to forget you don't care what it tastes like.
Hears some history. Why do I just not like him? Why would I go to the fact that I would say that I hate him? Try living with him.
Maybe coming from a background with divorced parents and a brother with a Syndrome and O.C.D
Maybe I shouldn't be writing this. I'm typing really fast. The wine is taking it's affects. Good. Maybe I'll sleep tonight.
When I moved out I never swore. I hardly did as a kid and only as it was leading up to when I moved out was when I had what my father would call a gutter mouth.
I never swore in my 3 and a half year relationship and nor did he to me.(his 31st birthday today I text him and wished him a happy birthday, why? cos I remembered)
That's just how it was. Now I wake up and the first words that come out of my mouth are usually the worst.
God, that's within the first five minutes of getting up.
I feel like a different person. It's not who I am. I hate this person.
I need to get out from this situation.
At least my anger about him tonight has reduced.
I know that he can't help it. He swears ALL THE TIME!!!! Fuji, shit, shit, Fuck!!!
You bitch, you stupid bitch, Fuck ya.
Oh, believe me I give it back. He has Torrette Syndrome. And I can't deal with it. I've had to deal with it all my life and it doesn't get easier.
I feel like I'm the adult and he's the child.
I get this way occasionally. It used to be every few months. Then weeks and now it's days.
It can't continue like this.
Even now while I'm typing. He's apologizing.
"Sorry about before"
"Yeah. fuck off - don't talk to me"
Harsh? Maybe? But I'm at the end of my tether and I have to get out of this house and away from him. This is a moment. I going for a walk. A drunken walk, but maybe I can just relax.

Life with you

Mouth closed, pursed lips and lump in my throat.
Hatred does this
Dagger eyes lifting with blazes of fury,
Teeth clenched, breathing slow
Hatred does this
Words that spit, knifes stabbing in the wound
Acid dripping from mouth

These aliens that involve your mind and take over your world.
I can't be in your word, everyone knows you there.
To pick up where you left off, do the same circle of life everyday
I'm only a spectator. My seat is high in the rafters. I don't want a front seat in your life, I don't want any seat in your perfect life.
This is how I feel.

something to say about nothing

So I’m sitting hear wondering.
I wonder what he’s thinking. I have a feeling I know what he’s probably thinking.
Steelo’s back in Melbourne for a few days and he just left to go to the beach – with out me. I declined, I made plans with Mario and another chic. We go walking up the 1000 steps for fitness for the run in October.
I think Steelo wanted me to go with him to the beach but I can’t let down the others.
The akwardness of saying good bye was there again. What can I do?
I’m now an oficial student . I enroled for my Real Estate course yesterday.
I’m looking forward to a career change. Hopefuly it works out.
I could be back hairdressing in three weeks – oh God forbid!
I don’t want any distractions while I compleate this certificate. I want to do well and I want to be focused.
Career focused, I’ll still enjoy my life but now that I want to just get through this with out thinking about something or one else. It’s just eaiser that way.
I’ve also taken on a role in the street work. It’s just doing what I sort of do as a person anyway. It’s organizing social events and building more of a community.
So that and the study will take up most of, if not all of my time.
With working of course. Any spare time will be palying my guitar and doing things for my fitness.
I left early yesterday and I guess in a way I’m doing my own thing, to a point.
Well, hours at least.
My Father came round today.
I wish he didn’t.
It’s for complete show.
“ You can’t take away the fact that I’m your father, you know”
“ I know.”
“Did you see the picture of me that was scanned from my computer?”
“ Yes. Brother put it up on the fridge. I called him an Idiot.”
“Why?” he laughs.
“because it looked like a picture of someone who’s died on the fridge.”
He continues to laugh.
“ I told him to do it”
“I know.”
“You didn’t tear it up did you?”
”No. I don’t know what he’s done with it”
This picture mind you was put up on the front of the fridge. As soon as I saw it I wrote underneath it R.I.P . A little while later I thought even I can’t be that awful brother will go spack when he sees it, so I scribbled it out but you could still see through it and see the R.I.P . So when brother came home and saw it , yeah, he hit the roof – nothing uncommon. But I saw the funny side to it . So did a few others.
Anyway he continues.
“Have you got a tattoo?!”
“Yes.”
“When did you get that?!”
“Years ago.”
“Have you got another earing?!”
“Yes. Makes four now”
I’ll stop now because it’s shitting me. But you get the idea.
So now back to study and being focused on what I want.

Group interviews ...say no more

Today was a very long day. I had a sleep for two hours at 12 till 2pm, I woke up and thought it was Friday but turns out I didn't have to start work till 5 today, so that was good.
We all didn't put to much work into it tonight. I went to the pet shop after the boss left and cuddled a little puppy. It was so cute!
It just wasn't busy in the salon but if they want to pay me for it , that's up to them. There's only so much cleaning one can do.
I have another job interview tomorrow morning for a place in sales/traineeships
not far from where I live. The last interview I had was a group one. Where I sat next to a Chinese man who came in runners, needed a hair cut, couldn't speak English really, He looked like he had just got out of bed. The others were pritty good. We all looked the same. Hair done, suite, make up, dressed to impress.
Well I got a second interview but I'm going to ring and say not interested, I'm hoping that tomorrows interview will be ok. The other one I decided is not what I wanted it looked like a grungy and dirty place to work. Looked cheap.

I've got a street meeting tomorrow night I might go out with Mario for dinner before hand.
I'm feeling fustrated for Jack, I spoke to him today and I think he's finding it difficult to stay positive when it comes to street works.
I get fustrated for him, it's a shame that he can't just run it the way he want's to. I think it would probably work better that way but for some reason priests have to be involved. Yeah, whatever. The ones involved seem to be stuck in the old school, to old to really care and can't give a second thought to the mission really. That's my opinion.
I Had such a bad nightmare during my sleep today! I've had it before and it's like I'm sleeping in my bungalow which is my room out the back, I know I'm sleeping because in my dream I feel a presents of others in my room, the wind is howling my bed head is shaking with the walls it's dark gray but I can see, everything around me is violently shaking, I try desperately hard to wake up I strain to open my eyes but I can't open them. No matter how hard I try I can't wake up. My body won't listen to my mind it's frightening in my dream. I woke up today because my mobile rang and snapped me out of it. So very strange. I have had that dream before it's recurring. It's not all the time but when it happens I remember it vividly and wake up unsettled.
I told my mum and she mentioned spirits and stuff but being a Christian - I don't know, It's a little freaky.
So bring on the next interview.
To be a Real Estate agent you have to have a license which costs $420.
I want to do it because being a hairdresser really leads to a dead end. I want a better life. I want a house, I want money, I want to be able to still help people but in a different way.
I'm wanting a dog. Still. I'm thinking a Great Dane or something big with short hair.
Once I can afford one I'll get it.
This may be awhile.
What's with the new Pope!!!???? I just heard him on the T.V.
I had to laugh at the paper yesterday "long live the pope" !!!! The guy's already got one foot in the grave!!!! Why not get a younger one?!! One who's not a feminist hater and has more of a modern view on life. Preferably.

Oh, both posts were published - more detail in the first one

Boxing and new faces

I can't believe it! I wrote a huge post then it froze and disconnected and I lost it!!
So I'm cutting it short.
Works ok.
I have an Interview tomorrow. I wrote up my resume it looks a little average but I hope it works.
I love my guitar. Something bad happened with my tune today. I was listening to Jacks CD he gave me with his songs on it. I pulled it out because I had one of his songs in my head today and I thought I'd play the CD.
I was listening to it. Huh!?? I stopped and played it again! NO! No way!
Yes, it was. The tune I had thought was original by some how I don't know how but it seems that it's Very similar to Jacks. VERY SIMILAR!
Almost a copy.
I don't get it! I haven't listened to that CD for ages!
I don't care, glad it's just the start.
I went to Boxing after work today - it was really good, great workout.
Yeah I stuffed up and got busted by a hottie with blonde hair, blue eyes and cute smile but I got over it. I mean it's no place to pick up. Your hot, red faced, smell and all the wrong bits are wobbling every where ;-)
But it's fun and I'll be going again next week.

Boxing with wobble wobble arms ;-)

Well work was the same today, but this time I knew that the other worker, Mezza,
and I both have to deal with the boss but we are both on the same wave length. The boss is stupid. Hasn't got a clue how to run a business. Isn't a hairdresser, owns the salon and thinks she knows what she's doing. She doesn't.
After work I came home played my wonderful guitar, which I'm thinking I'm in love with and then warmed up for my boxing class.
Yep, Boxing.
I rang this guy who I met last week at karate, he said that he wanted to try it so we met up and did the class. Fun! It was really good!
Again my coordination's not the best at the start but it gets better.
I met another girl from my church, it was her first time there too.
I stuffed up a few times and just smiled at myself. I stopped a few times but I get this guy saying " Kaz, DON"T STOP!!! ARMS UP! Follow me" He'd punch and I would have to keep up. You don't realize how much flabby arms wobble until you punch the crap out of a punching bag! Wobble, wobble - that's enough, wobble, wobble - arms down.
Weakling.Ha, ha,
I hit this ball thing attached to a rope from the floor and the ceiling. I hit it kinda hard and the thing flung back then flung towards me again! I stepped back really quickly because it almost hit me in the head! I laughed at myself, looked around very quickly hoping that no one saw, I caught the eye of an attractive tall, blonde hair and blue eyes guy who was skipping and smiling.
Er - great. I got over it and kept going.
Great workout, only went for and hour, so Pat (the guy I went with) and I decided to go for a fifteen minute run around the footy oval around the corner from the boxing factory.
So I'm hoping to build up some form of fitness in the next five months.
I had a song in my head today, after being so excited about learning the guitar.
It was Jacks song one off his CD he gave me. So I put he's CD in my car and listened to it. I like his music, so I'm listening and I think it was about the 5th track - Huh. I stopped it and played it again. Listening.
I haven't listened to his CD for awhile. HUH! Oh,- I'm SURE that it's not a subconscious thing, or anything like that - I don't know what it is but my tune thing is very, very ,very similar to his!!
OH NOOOOOO!! Can that happen?! Hear I am thinking that I made something original and it just sounds like his!
Well I still like it,at least it's only at the start.
I have my interview tomorrow. I have to make up a resume. I haven't done one of those things for over five years! My brother did the last one for me and now I don't know where to start or anything! It's going to look crap but It'll have to do.
A good resume could be the difference between getting the job or not.
Whatever happens it's Gods will, good or bad.
Your always learning.
I like the people I work with at the moment I just don't like the hairdressing part of it. I like the social aspect with clients and between staff.
I get greeted in the morning by Hairy with "hello smiley", I chat with Jay then move on to talking with Mezza and the clients.
I told Mezza about the interview tomorrow. At least she knows that I don't want to stay for a long time.
That average Joe show is on tonight at 11 - I think. He's a nice guy but the producers are out to kill his "nice guy" label by showing his dates with the women to all the other women. He pashes them all and they all get hurt and I think instead of hating him they turn on each other. American T.V but slightly entertaining.
Now to go write that resume.
To dear, To, To whome it may concern,To Scott, Dear Scott - I have NO idea... to the manager???

Busy lifestyle

Smile, smile, smile :-)
Apart from my guitar tune thing, I had a good night last night at Gooseys 21st.
I met a few people and got to know some better. I walked the 1000 steps today with Jay then Goosey and and I went over to her boyfriends house and he showed me how to read TABS!!!! YEA!!!!
We played around with his new electric guitar and he showed me a few things on it.
I love learning the guitar, I get fustrated with my self when I can't get it straight off but I guess it works in my favor because I want to get it right.
The emerging writers festival is coming up and I'm looking forward to that - what else... I have two interviews on Tuesday, for a job in real estate.
I might just be able to go to one of them time allowing.
I feel great. I've got no ties, I'm thinking about my future in another job, I'm hoping to prepare for the run in October and raise money, I'm writing an article for the street work.
I'm still looking for a soccer club, so I can play that on a Sunday too.
I have a feeling that I'm going to be rather busy.
It's great.

Charging on ...

I need to keep my head on.
I've got the ok to do a wait for it, a 21km run. In a team or individually but as a team. Make sense? Having a Team means that the full 42km would have to be run but you have six or so people doing it. Doing it, 21km, as an individual means that a couple of others will run the whole 21km and pretty much raise money and support each other for the same cause.
I've always said that the only way I'll ever do it is if someone paid me to do it.
So, in a way they are.
I'm hoping to organize a few people to do it with me and raise money for the "street" work we do.
All fired up to do it and I feel like now I don't know if the team will actually support us and get behind us in the fundraising. Considering that the "team" meeting was canceled due to lack of interest.
I shake my head. Just keep at it and God will work it out.
Oh well, have faith.
I've got a 21st to go to tonight. It's Goosey's, she's a real sweetie. Just a gorgeous person. I rang her yesterday to wish her a happy birthday she's pritty excited.
I'm going to go sleep. I'm sooo tired.

oh Ki Ya! Not He ya - Ah close enough !

Karate "He YA"

I'm sitting at home thinking about why I decided to agree to go to this karate class tonight. My friend has been asking me to go for ages and every time I've said no other plans or I didn't want to go. This time I gave in and I decided I'll so it once. But I hate that sort of thing where every one shouts hi ya , punches,kicks been there done that when I was a kid hated it then and not fond of it now. I've told him several times I don't want to go it's really not my thing but he seems to think I'll have fun... I don't get embarrassed easily, well it's kinda rare if it happens. But ONE thing that gets my heart to beat faster it's playing "games" as a warm up, yelling "he ya" when you punch the air and...It goes on. My stomach has butterfly's in it and I couldn't think of anything worse but to do this. I can't ring him and say I can't come because I've done that Many times before and he rang today to make sure I was still coming.
It's 5.30pm now. Oh this going to be bad - soo very bad.
I can do most things talk in front of a group of people, play team soccer,basket ball just not karate. Oh!!! I just don't want to go!!!
I'm laughing at my self now just thinking about it!!!!
I have to drag my self away from the safe net of my little computer and get ready to go. I laugh again to think about what I'm going to wear! Not going to help the situation when I'm wearing the self cut off tracksuit pants to make them look 3/4 length and I only own one T shirt so I guess I'll wear that...Nah I cant do that I have to at least look half decent I'll go find a singlet top maybe something that will look a little bit ... Trendy??? I'll update this when I get home.
Oh crap. 5.45pm.
Ok I'm back and it wasn't as teeth pulling or eye gouging as I thought it would be, But in saying that I'm still really not into it.
I laughed heaps! I couldn't help it! I did keep it to my self but I think I was more laughing at myself and my wasting away piss weak muscles, the more I laughed the worse I got I was doing 15 sit ups to their oh...40!!!!
and push ups, I think that term should just be kept in bra terminology!
I wasn't going to attempt the sparing - it's like free fighting contact but with pads. No,no, no I draw the line at that one! I painted my nails before I left just to feel a little better about going and I wore a white singlet with a black one over the top so at least it looked good but no it didn't make a lot of difference!
Anyway I gave it a shot, once every ten years is ok.
I got the job today. Like I expected it was more of just a meeting of times in which I can work. I told the woman straight off that I wanted my one hour lunch break. I'm not budging. She's shifty. She cut my hours so that I'm working less than 8 hours a day so I'm only entitled to 1/2 an hour. Casual rates, she hasn't got a clue what she's doing. I only want to stay until I get another job.
I start tomorrow.
I'm a little excited I strumed together a tune of sorts on my guitar!
I think i'm excited about it, more so, because it's a little different then the other one but more to the point it's something I can now try and put words to!!

country life.....

There’s something to be said about country living. When you can get up and go to the local shopping centre after not brushing your hair still wearing something that resembles exactly what you wore to bed and still fit in. Where pastle pink and baby blue woollen knits are always in fashion and can’t forget the kids pushing prams with their kids in them.
The country’s nice for a little while but unless you go to the big smoke I can see how the olds can loose touch with realality.
I guess why a lot of people come hear to retire.
I’ve been playing my guitar, writing, sleeping, playing with the dogs, feeding/brushing horses and waiting for Wednesday to come so I can get another job.
I have an interview tomorrow with the new owners from my old work.
To start with I had it in my mind what I want – being pay and hours.
One late night, no Sundays, work till 2 pm on Saturday and have Mondays off.
This was going to be my plan but now bills have started to come in at home it looks like I’m taking it, like it or not.
It’s not forever just so I can get something else. I have to keep reminding myself that. It’s just for now.
I spoke to Steelo the other night. I had been thinking about how he was getting on,
I don’t know, By ringing and taking an interest in what he does, am I giving out the wrong impression?
S: “You should come up hear sometime…”
Me: “Nah, I have to find a job and stay hear for awhile”
“I’m coming back for a few days at the end of April”
“Are you, We’ll catch up”
I’m not out to lead on ANYONE. Honestly, I’m not like that.
I haven’t got anyone in mind at the moment. It’s weird. Usually at least when I use to daydream when I was board at work and had nothing to do I’d think about a certain person.
Now there is no certain person. I’m like it that way for now.
I’m pretty confident that I’m getting this job tomorrow. I soooo want to get out of hairdressing. If I could work in a salon that only cut guys hair and did colour I’d be happy – for now.
I like doing that.
I’d like to check out Real Estate, at least it’s different and I think I’d like it.

It's the past but...

Today was relaxing.
I read blogs, I did the much needed to do washing and dishes, played my guitar and wrote in my pen to paper diary and now in my blog.
I smile and shake my head in bewilderment. I'm not one to fume over something that happened in the past but it will never cease to amaze me, the old saying from my Nan " your sins will find you out" - they do. Jack in the past has been found out numerous times in the past, so this wasn't a surprise to me but when I read through a blog from Gempires.blogspot.com as I read my heart pounded, eyes widened and I'm in hysterical laughter because it's the first emotion that comes to mind!
hilarious because I'll never forget the crap he once give to me.
I ask " Who gave you that" looking towards the partial covered fresh, blood sucking bitten near his collar.
This is the story he fed me.
"I was doing a gig the other night and this guy,jumps on stage, latches on to my neck and bit me" I looked into his cool blue eyes and I thought, uh huh.
Considering I had known him for a little over a year I thought that there was no reason for him to lie to me but I repeated what he had said and I laugh now because I think how I look back now and I think he was trying to convince himself!
But that's history and very funny and a long time ago. It still to this day cracks me up!
Anyway reading Gempires blog from last year she dedicated a post to Jack...
It went on about his taste in women and he's girlfriend...
HA!!!
So I'm sitting hear laughing because I read that he has a girlfriend at that stage!
I go and read the date the post was written. Oct 11.
OCT 11TH!!! I have to confirm this date with my pen to paper diary.
I search for it, I couldn't find the 128 page diary from 2004! The diary which had all my deepest thoughts in, the book which will tell me if what i'm thinking is true!
I find it, confirmed, to a point. There's always a grey area.
I find it funny now.
Now that it's really a different wave length of thinking on him. He doesn't make it into my diary entries as often and I've moved on but I find it stupid how men think it's ok to lie to get out of trouble - for that moment.
I wonder if he had a girlfriend when we "said" goodbye before I went overseas in early November.
He had her when I got back but I wonder if he also had her in Oct when gempires had posted her blog on him?
Now I'm just amused by him. A fellow worker or sorry "work colleague".

Not this little black duck!

Well today was eventful.
I had a good day yesterday. I found out what happened to the girl I was hired to replace and what happened to the girl before her. One lasted six months and the other four.
Everything I had bottled up came out yesterday to the two other girls because they were getting things off their mind too.
As it turns out my thoughts and their words were exactly the same, Boss is controlling, doesn’t listen and puts people down.
So in short Boss and I had a talk today and she was rude, insulting, arguementive and she was at times getting teary. I guess she was thinking – another one!! (Has left)
I explained where I was coming from and how I felt. She interrupted me all the time, cut me off and in the end I said “ Can you see what your doing? What your saying? How you’re saying this? Can you see how this can have a confidence crushing affect?!”
I tried to get her to see where I’m coming from “ Put your self in my position. How do you think I would feel hearing you say that?”
This is all coming from me.
Anyway I did my last two clients and left at four fifteen. There’s no way I let someone walk over me like that. Other people may think that they will grin and bare it but I’d rather walk away then have some one be all high and mighty and look down on you. Stand up for yourself, yeah I knew it wasn’t going to work so I was prepared for my saying “I’m giving you notice.”
I could get a job back where I was under new management but I’ll figure that one out next week. It’s going to be a hot weekend so I want to enjoy it.
I have Gooseys 21st tomorrow night, and a street meeting Sunday.
It feels nice knowing that I’m not working at that salon now with that Boss and our “Strong personalty clash” which “just isn’t going to work.”
Yeah, I don’t relate well to overpowering, control tripping , rude insulting people.
So now I’m off to go to do my street work.
Now that’s something I love doing and look forward to doing it!
1.45 Am
Street was great! I was thinking back it would soon be two years that I have been involved on street. I was talking to a “street friend” tonight and we were saying how far we have come in two years. He’s still on dope but he’s got it together a bit more, He’s not so scattered and angry at the world.
I look around at the others. Some have moved on, some are the same and some are still trying to get out of the rut.
I look at the other volunteers and see how they have journeyed since I met them.
One guy, Mario has I think a new found confidence which is so great to see and he also has a girlfriend so that could be why too!
People are forever changing. Views, morals, way of thinking.
It would be dull if they didn’t.
My views have changed. Views on a lot of things. Some good , some not so good.
My lifestyle. I shake my head when I think of my life even 5 years ago.
How being with someone can alter the person you become for good and bad.
I think if I stayed on the same path I was on five years ago I’d be all the worse for it. Scary thought.
I wasn’t a Christian for one. Well not quite.
I wonder where I’d be if I didn’t make that choice? That’s important, it keeps a perspective on life which I wouldn’t in any other way would have had.
I have choices to make now with my life. I find people around me help keep me accountable.

Sorry Boss but No.

Amazing. My day started on a high. It was great, I woke up turned off my Alarm and decided to sleep for another 45 min.
Decided to try a different way to go to work - an hour and twenty minutes later I park my car, read the paper and set off on the 10 min walk to work.
On the way I see a little girl in a pram with her baby brother. She was really cute with blonde curls and a dummy in her mouth. She spotted me walking towards her and she smiled the biggest smile and kept it there for about 40 seconds looking and smiling. You can't help but smile back at her, her parents laughed and were surprised that she did that.
I smiled the rest of the way to work thinking how she was the picture of innocence. Also I was thinking about yesterdays conversation with Jack. I guess you could say I was on cloud nine floating to work.
Now hears the thing, I really like the people I work with - except the Boss.
She is controlling, narrow minded and negative.
So Negative!
She has said little things in the past which I take on and disagree with but say nothing directly to her because I need my job and don't want conflict so early in the peace. So I talk to the manager of the salon, Dave.
Dave I think mentions that I may have expressed concern about something she has said but it pritty much ends there.
So today my great start to the day came to a halt when my boss came to me at about five min after I walked through the door and gave me the complete run down about my first client saying that she has had a nervous breakdown, gets anxiety attacks and always has a 45 min consultation about the colour she wants but always wants the same as the time before. So keep this in mind when you do her hair.
I looked at her. Expressionless. Professional. She tries to read me. What I'm thinking and how I feel. She has told me that she finds me hard to read. She actually told me that. Huh???
I don't like to give pre misconceptions about people. You just don't do it in a negative way. If anyone meets anyone for the first time and asks you for your opinion I try and say something positive about their character try to see God in them. I do see God in my Boss, Just not as a fellow worker.
While she was telling me about this client I appreciate knowing she was a little anxious about her color and getting her hair done but that could have done it.
I was annoyed that she felt that you had to treat these "kind" of people differently.
Saying she'll freak out if she goes different.
I have dealt with people and clients who have gone through a tough time but it's up to them to tell you not their hairdresser.
I just nodded and took in the information.
My client wanted a complete change and wanted to go from blond to brown. Hmm. I was pre warned about this. So 45 min later I start her hair and two and a half hours later she walks out a happy client with brown hair with a few blonde highlights and golden lights in it.
It looks great, but I didn't listen to the boss and stick to the same boring thing that she had before.
I don't think Boss liked that.
Later on Boss says to me
"You haven't been foiling and blow waving the way I showed you."
I just look at her.
"We have to get you in for training and do blow waves (at this point I feel my face burn up) and foils. Training is usually on Tuesdays, you'll have to get your own model"
"Will Tuesdays still be my day off?" Me thinking that this is bringing that fact to her attention.
"Yes, you'll have to come in on your day off"
I blink. I look at her.
"but they will change to Wednesdays after next week..."
"No"
My lips are forced shut, My tongue is pressed to the roof of my mouth. I'm screaming inside - no, that's my day off! I like the way I blow wave so do my clients I get the affect I'm after! People walk out happy! Come in on my day off!!! How about giving me an hour break for lunch and my entitlements to breaks that I don't get!
How about accepting that I tried your way and found mine better in some cases!
I don't speak.
Instead I nod my head "yeah".
LIKE HELL!!!!
My reasoning is agree for now and keep the peace. Go home think about what your going to say get your back up. In this case wage line, I have to have definite written down facts.
I don't like her and if she isn't going to be accepting then I'll ditch her.
I feel like I would have let myself down and one other person. Only because he for some reason I feel like I don't want him to go - sigh.
But I feel worse and I'm really harsh on myself. I hate it but I can't help it.
I'm not one to not voice my opinion and how I feel. But I need the money for now but I guess I have made up my mind. I want to do something different.
I don't want to stay somewhere where it's negative and I doubt myself.
It's only one person but she is the Boss and we have a definite clash in personalities. She doesn't know this yet, but she will.
Not in a bad way but if she asks why I'm leaving I'll tell her the truth.
So now I'm looking for another job.
Sigh.

Weekend wonders...

Ever tried eating raw rice? Not that bad. When your hungry and can't wait for it to boil, it's ok.
Having found Mr Model for my hair show I'm getting excited about the possibilities what I can do. What he can wear and how I want him to look. It's like stripping the guy back and starting from scratch. Well, as much as I'd like to strip him off it's not going to happen but I dare say he'll look great on the cat walk.
Jack came round today and I cut and colored his hair. I had a good day.
We chatted and it was easy. The cut and new color was great. I tried a new style of cutting and it worked! Yea! Something different! Helps that his looks complement his hair.
It seems a little pathetic that I get so excited about a good hair cut and color, but I love doing different looks and styles.
A Christian Magazine wants me to write an article on the "street work"
that we do as volunteers.
I hope I can write something which will do it justice.
At the moment I'm smiling.
I tried to explain to Jack my reason behind my wanting a relationship just for the weekends. It's not what your thinking, I'm not into casual sex relationships never have never will because I think you are more stronger person mentally and emotionally
If you just don't go there. I don't need the emotional support like that.
I tried it once but it was so ....Raw? I still remember the emotions behind it and there wasn't much. How can people do it?
I could never do that with someone simply because - Well that's me.
Anyway.
Jack was saying how if your believe something is going to happen - it usually does.
So if that's really true, which I do agree to then I don't give anyone a chance because I see myself being a single mum doing everything myself.
Hard, but true. I guess it will take a special person to change that pattern of thought.
But maybe that person won't cross my path for quite awhile yet! But when it does happen my thoughts might change then too - hopefully!
Back to work tomorrow but no street, that's got to be on Friday because I get to tired to do every Wednesday.

Yeah, Mr Gonna

I can’t believe it. I just can’t stand him. This is my brother.
He is such a Gonna. You know the type, “ I’m going to go that – tomorrow” and tomorrow never comes.
He’s ALLWAYS been like that but it still really drives me CRAZY!
Tonight I come home from a long tiring day at work, He said that he’ll clean the dishes and stuff that he left the night before, I come home tonight and nothings been done! Nothing – less then nothing because he’s used more plates and spoons today!
I flipped. One thing I can’t stand is someone who isn’t working, doesn’t want to work,
Has no interest in anything and Does NOTHING!!!! If your home all day and there’s things to do you expect that they will be done! It’s soooo frustrating!
Then he wants to know when I’m going to leave home!?!!!!!????
ME!!! I’m the one who has to LEAVE!!!! It’s OUR house and I’m the one who has to leave because HE has NEVER been able to support himself!!!
I so very much want to leave but unfortunately I can’t. My wage doesn’t cover me enough quite yet.
Anyway.
I’m going in a hair show in July. I got my model today. He’s a hot little dancer with great hair and looks.
A good package for what the cat walk , cut and colour is after.
I’m cutting Jacks hair tomorrow, I love cutting his hair because it’s great when they say it’s up to you, so do what you want.
I’m hoping to raise money for the vouleenter work on “Street” I’m hoping to find out if I can before the end of the week. I still want to do the run in teams and individually.
I’m supposedly going to be in a Christian magazine talking about the work we do on street. I hope to get the point across that sponsorship, money and a new van is needed.
I love what we do on the street and the relationships made on street and in the team.

Substance

Well, iv'e come back from church and I haven't been for awhile but I felt like I had to go back. I've been going on and off this year.
I think i'll go every week again. So much I feel is going to happen and I need the spiritual support and guidence from my church community.
Sitting, listening, singing - I felt overcome by a warm feeling only to which I describe as loving,warm not drug induced in anyway.
The need i've been feeling to have by another person was forfilled.
I was sitting between a old small group member and an church aquantince.
I felt like I'm very single but in no way am I alone.
i don't need another person to fill anything. I've always knowen that but I guess once and awhile you think, well, it would be nice.
This is usually after I had a night simalar to last Wednesday, but I'm glad i didn't give into anyone and continue to be now happy.
I going to go play my guitar and enjoy just being me.

Pajamarama

Well I'm back from my Saturday night out in which I came home at 12.15am.
Early - Yes but when you rely on others to drive they hold the keys.
The show of pajamarama was great. I knew it would be good. Each to there own I say but I and seemingly quite a few other's did too.
I sit hear with my glass of merlot and ponder.
I saw this guy tonight, nice guy. Shame he had to meet the family relation so early... Shame but true.
I don't know two people who could be more different in every way than us two.(brother and I)
It's a good thing.
Ha, Pajamarama was funny, my sense of humor. I think Elliott and steelo would have liked it.
I'm hoping this wine will put me to sleep and or bring out some thoughts on a few things.
I'm feeling it's doing both.
work was really busy today and I now have sore feet and legs from standing and walking non stop.
Ha I like one off the jokes tonight.
" I saw a touring Christian band in high school once, they were called judgmental as anything!"
Ha , I like it. Even thou I'm Christian I still thought it was funny.
I'm ment to be going and walking with Jay tomorrow. But I'm really tired, I just feel like sleeping and not moving for a week.

People to understand

Today was better then yesterday. A client came in today and she is my boss' client. She said to me "you gave me the best blow wave last time , it was really good!"
"That's great, " I say trying to remember her. The penny dropped, I thought don't tell me tell my boss. I turn to walk away and she is making sure that my boss knows. She told me again in front of her. So after yesterdays crap it was nice to get some positive feed back.
Tomorrow night is looking good. A bit of a stir tho, an old friend who I haven't seen since I've got back from overseas was going to come along with his girlfriend but I didn't call him and now he's cracked it at me. Do I care? Yeah, I do.
There's always people who you meet in your life who come and go and there's others who tend to make their mark and you actually hold onto, he made his mark.
I know he cracked it, And so he should. I would of cracked it at me too.
Blah. Hmm. Now I don't know what I should do. Blah.
There's soo much running through my head at the moment.
I'm throwing around ideas for fundraising for my street work, thinking about how I'm going to go see a weeding tomorrow after work and do dinner and then the festival, I'm thinking about Elliott and when I'm going to see him next, Steelo - well I've been thinking about him too, Juzzie -, blah. Sometimes you can think about things to much.
The fundraising always tends to take over my thoughts. When I get an Idea I hold on to it and run with it. This time it's actually exactly like that. I'm wanting to organize a group of people to run the Melbourne half Marathon and do it to raise money for my volunteer work.
Another idea, is a relay of sorts, where more people can get involved.
It's easier to get 20 or so people to donate $100 or so rather then get one person to donate the few thousand we need.
I think my brain sometimes runs into overload when I get excited about something.
Those "V" drinks probably don't help the situation.
Oh, blah - I hate letting people down and hurting peoples feelings.
BLAH.
I have to go sleep. I haven't even started reading my book because I haven't had time. Even when I close my eyes my mind still races.

thought

It's nice of my boss to give out those tickets but you have to understand where i'm comming from.

Over and out

Oh how deflated can you get?
I went on street last night and was having a great night till I saw him. He was wearing an oversized T shirt and new looking denim 3/4 pants.
Who's this? You ask, An eleven year old boy whom I like to call Juzzie.
He struts down the walk way towards the van, cigarette in hand and a determined look on his face.
He sees me and says hi, I smile and make sure that he knows I want to catch up on what he's been doing with himself. I haven't seen him on street since the last Friday in October, that was two weeks after his father was beaten by a pack of street youths because Juzzie had told them that he had hit him.
So we sit down and we talk.
It's small talk, he shows me he's new found trick, how to roll a cigarette and use cardboard as a "filter".
We keep talking, school, how he's going at home with his foster family, his mum - then his father.
"Dad died on the second of November. He was in a car accident. I go to platform 3 and 4 at the station and just cry. I cry and cry. I remember. That's where he got beaten up. Cos' of me. "
He's little face turns a little podgy and he's eyes slightly swell up with tears.
A wave of emotion sweeps over me and all I want to do is hug him. I don't, I listen to him as he tells me how he feels.
It's a glimpse into the little boy who people forget he is and who he doesn't want to be.
He turns it into anger towards his Dad, brother and then at this moment Street works come a guy and girl and he turns it to them.
She stood in front of him looking down at him as we were both sitting on the gutters edge.
"Come on, come home.You can't stay out hear all night"
"Yes I can."
"No you can't, we can take you home"
"I'm not going. Fuck off!"
I stand up and leave " I'm not going to sit hear and listen to you speak like that"
He argues with Street works for a bit longer then walks off up to the steps. Fifteen minutes he comes back and wants to talk again. Street works aren't in toe this time. We start to talk again and he opens up a little and I tell him a true story of a young man who was put away in a detention center and the result of his actions.
It seemed to sink in a bit. Again at this moment street works came and this time he waited a little longer before he told them where to go.
Worker: "Are you ready?"
Juzz: "Fuck off. - oh sorry" He waved at me.
I shake my head and get up. He looks up and he's eyes widen.
Juzz: "No!- Bugger off! See ( he looks to me) that's better isn't it bugger off's better!"
Worker "Yes, that's better -"
Me : "No it's not. You shouldn't speak like that to him"
I leave again. I wanted to stay but I know that if I did it's really showing that I don't mind so much if he talks like that and I he knows it's unacceptable.
Anyway, we again later sat down and continued talking.
It was time to for us to leave the street.
Juzzie : "Oh look at that, good timing, we've just finished and your leaving"
I smile at him. "Go home juzzie, Just so it looks good for you"
He starts to walk off.
Me: "Hey don't I get a hug?"
He's face changes. Another glimpse of the child with in. We hug good bye and I leave, he walks off back to the steps.
I don't know if he did go home, I don't know if anything I said made a difference.
At least I know that he values my thoughts of him.
I felt emotionally guttered after last night. Driving home all I wanted was another person to hold me. To feel the comfort and care, not going to happen.
I again talked myself out of it. I managed to kill the thought of how it would be nice to come home to someone but I couldn't kill the feeling of emptyness.
The thoughts of Juzzie,11 years old and getting into the wrong crowd and that stupid feeling managed to give me about 4 and a half to 5 hours sleep and a flat feeling all today.
My boss managed to top off my day,being negative about my hairdressing skills and making me doubt myself. Oh! But on the other hand it looks like I've won two tickets to gold class Hoytes or something!... Care factor??!! You've just told me I'm not up to scratch (my words, not hers) do I really care about the tickets! Answer, No! Makes me shake my head in disbelief. Whatever. I'd prefer to give those tickets away to someone who would like them. Hey, maybe the apprentice. She deserves them too.
Anyway. That's my blog for today. A bit flat,yes - But tomorrows another day.