I'm sick!!! I miss out on the Jangle Gym!

I can't believe it.
I'm sick. I think I got it from Jake yesterday. (kerryns son 2yo)
My head is thumping, my throat is raw and it feels like someone is sitting on my nose. I'm really bummed because I've been looking forward to going to the Jangle gym tonight and I'm going to bed. I managed to fix myself up and go to this job interview. Massive group interview with 13 girls in front of a panel of 5 people.
I got into the second round interview which was fifteen or so minutes later.
It seems like a really nice place to work and a nice family type of business.
It looks really promising. Matt, this guy who interviewed me for a PA position a few months ago referred me to them with high recommendations.
I didn't get the PA because I didn't have my license - which I now have.
The Money isn't that great but there's room to grow in the industry.
I've learnt to be careful on how I spend my money, Twice I really felt the pinch and was almost going to call on a friend for a loan but Praying got me through.
I'd rather do anything then ask for money.
I've even been offered money from some without asking for it but I refuse.
Money is over rated. There is always other avenues.
hopefully I'll get a call from these people tomorrow about the job.
My eyes are aching. I've gotta go to bed.
My spelling is really really bad in my blog. This is because I type quick then go over with spell check and being an American spell check some words tend to look wrong. Also two keys don't work when I hit them. These are D and B. I thought I would try and "fix/clean" under the keys on my laptop. Bad idea. I ripped off the key then the little rubber thing flipped out and went to God.
Then Mr vacuum.
I'm rambling. I'm getting delirious.

One other thing I finished the content in my zine.
Now I just have to print it out and Make a front cover :)

"Josh" there's always you

Today was a waste. I spent three hours sitting in some job hunting place wishing the day away and that I want to be at home playing "Josh" and adding onto my next song.
This is the waiting stage where you put out all your resumes and wait for a reply.
Group interview tomorrow.

I HATE my living hear.
SUX.

Looking forward to tomorrow night. Jangle Gym.
I'm going to go "Josh" awaits.

The clock is ticking - tic tic tic

Look what I can do! I got myself some links!!!
Today I went and watched an art house film. 2046. Yeah. Different. My first subtitle movie. Confusing.

I've got a job interview on Wednesday for real estate reception. Group interview - YUK! I don't like them. I compare myself to the others and I hate doing that.

I'm thinking about possibably going back to school.
Well going to Uni. To become what - you may ask? A primary school teacher.
The our year thing turns me off but I just think it's four years out of a life time and it's something you can do at 50.
To have a positive impact on a child's life.
This is a HUGE maybe. Looking into it.

A friend of mine is 25 and trying to get pregnant. OH!!! This is huge news to me.
I mean she's married, settled her hubbys fantastic (27) They want to be young parents. I'm 24!! I still think I have about ten years!!!
But she's ready. Sometimes you can't fall pregnant easily. I know people that it's taken ten years! IVF treatments at $10,000 each try and they are on their 5th time round!! I don't want to be like them! but I don't want to be to young either.
It's a really hard call.
intend to think career before kids where she thinks career can be established while you bring up your kids.
Both true just depends on the person, I guess.
That means that I will have to find someone in about five or six years time and have kids straight away. Again not one of my better options.
Arh - Who cares! Take life as it comes and what ever happens, happens. Deal with it then.


Click on my post title it should come up with a link and you will see my concern!!!

My links

I can't believe it! I made a link! Then I tried to delete it to put a different one in it and it won't !!! Now there's a link made to Gempires who I dare say has logged off on that blog and got herself a new one. Or use her other one.
But I can't remove it.

Today was crap.
Boring.

Bring on tomorrow. I need a job. I need money.

Who's a lesbian?!?!?

I'm still waiting for job replies.
This is not fun.

On a lighter note I made some money last night doing hair.
Elliott, Maz, Aussie, and Aussies girlfriend Fi,all had haircuts and two had color.
They all live together. Maz didn't have his hair cut, he was making pasta then got out his guitar and started to play while I cut hair.
We all had a good night. When I was finished I sat with Maz and we Jammed together.
Singing and playing.
The others joined in every now and then. It was a good night.
It was hilarious.
Fi asked me if I had a boyfriend. I looked at her looking slightly confused "boyfriend? ...Nooo."
"What do you mean?"
"Girlfriend - I'm a lesbian." A quick glance at Elliott and he was going to play along.
"WHAT!!! Oh my God!!!"
"Yeah, didn't you know?"
"NO!" She was SOOO excited!!
"I've never met a lesbian before!!!" (she's 18 - if this makes a difference)
"I hope I'm not making you uncomfortable but can I ask you questions? Are you Bi?
For how long have you been a lesbian for?"
I'm smiling, because of her excitement and also because she was fully buying it.
"I thought everyone knew. You know Thea? -She was My girlfriend"
"Thea's a LESBIAN TOO!!! Oh my god! I never knew that!"
Ausaie pipes up "When were you with her?"
I thought he was playing along with me, so I carried on the joke.
"Oh After Dave"
"Oh - so when was that?"
"Not long after they broke up"
Elliott goes on to explain how we became together.
I was smiling/ laughing but Fi thought I was laughing at her because of how she was reacting to "meeting a lesbian" not because I was actually spinning crap.
"Don't I look like one?"
"No, I never would of guessed!"
Ten minutes later, I couldn't stop laughing because I realized that we not only had Fi going but also Aussie and Maz who was in the kitchen still making pasta!
Elliott and I had a good laugh out of it then everyone else saw the humor too.
Fi said that she felt like she lost something.
"So youv'e never been with a girl?"
"No"
"Have you even kissed a girl??!!"
"No!!!" Haahahha

Maz and I were up till midnight jamming with each other.
Everyone else had gone to bed.
I left soon after cos the others had to sleep.
Maz showed me different how to play different songs.
I still think I prefer to make my own but it's good to e able to play and have some one else sing along.

Something else I thought about, made me think of it last night.
I am glad that I don't need that emotional/sexual support on a "casual" basis.
There is no "casual" relationships in my books.

"Street works"

I ended up going out on street, next week is the jangle gym dates mixed up.
I don't think I'm a harsh person but I guess I lack compassion.
I never use to. I guess I had to "toughen up" if I let everything get to me I'd be a mess.
I'm going to say it. It didn't surprise me Brian - He thinks that, I guess, If he shrugs off or doesn't care or makes out like something's not a big deal then he's like - I guess it's like saying hey it's something I see all the time, It's no big deal, (smile/joke) "the other guy was shocked, I was just like oh alright then, she had a bag full of needles asking him where she can get heroin. She showed us the needles in packets in her bag, the teacher was freaked out looking,"
It's the way he said it. It was like he was better then the teacher because it's all in a days work.
Like Hell!!!! I can't help but look at him and think HUH!?!
He just wanted to show that he's in somehow better because he didn't react to her shock tatic's.
I felt like such a mother/parent last night and I shouldn't have to.
I'm annoyed at him.
Moving on.

I did see some "friends on the street" last night and it was nice to catch up with them.

Didn't get that Job. I had to chase him up, I doubt he was going to call me. I may have an interview next week for a similar position.

good day

Right now, at this very moment I am happy.
I cleared up a grey area with a friend, I saw Fi and others tonight, I didn't talk to much and I went on my walk. Yep, good day.

Well next week I'll drive...

mmm...Smoked fish... Craving satisfied.

So much for priorities, I asked someone else to drive for me tomorrow. I really like going to the Jangle Gym so I figure I'll just do a swap, I'll drive next week.

I went to a "small group" bible study type thing tonight. I hadn't been to one of these things for ages. It was really good.

I'M NOT PREACHING!!!
One thing that was brought up was that usually what you don't like in others is actually what you don't like within yourself.
I don't know how much I agree with that one.
I can't stand narrow minded people who judge others. I'm not that, so I can't see that happening.

I'm feeling a touch of guilt for knowingly not going tomorrow night, But I just feel like chilling out.

On the T.V at the moment there's a doco on cannibalism. Brother cracked it and walked out of the room.
te heh.
One guy dug up long dead bodies and ate them! Gross!
Hey anyone seen Bad Boy Bubby?
It's a movie about a man who was brought up by his whacked out mother. It's a really wrong film but I had watched it with a friend who had seen it before and she told me to watch it through a certain perspective and while she laughed through it I have to admit - I found it funny.
LOL - Just one scene that springs to mind. The guy wrap's the cat up in glad wrap thinking that if he didn't it wouldn't be able to breath when it enters the outside world (which is just walking out the apartment door, It's to hard to explain.)
He carts this dead glad wrapped cat every where he goes. I guess it's a film showing how much this guy was screwed in the head thanks to his mother.
Anyway a few years later I was in school and we were watching it for education purpose (LOL) at school. I think it was for English/Lit or Phyc, but I couldn't help but laugh during it! I was scrutinized by the teacher and I guess others couldn't see the funny side to it. A few did tho.
The pre brief on it wasn't a very amusing one, given that it was from a teachers point of view. Why am I rambling? Why is this my third post today?
I'm going to bed.
I've been going to sleep with the T.V on. I set the timer to turn it's self off in 90 mins so I go to sleep listening to the M*A*S*H DVD.

Walking and lyrics

Hey that did work!


I feel really good at the moment I faced my fear of going for that walk, where that flasher was and it was all fine.
I'm learning more on "Josh". While walking I came up with more lyrics.

I'm a bit bummed - I'm missing out on the jangle gym which is on tomorrow night.
I'll have to wait until next month.
I haven't don't street works for about three weeks and I need to get my priorities in order.
I walked past a few kids coming out from school and one of the kids shouted out "Nanna can I have a friend round?"
That's one thing which I would love when I have kids. It's having their friends around. Having a set night when friends can come round. All welcome.
At that stage in my life I hope I feel the same way!

nerd test

will this work

Crap day but good car

I feel crappy.
It's Monday and tomorrow will be Tuesday and so on.I want this Guy to call about the interview I went on last week. I called him Friday and he said he'll think about it on the weekend and call me Monday.
Well. It's 12.40pm and no call as yet.
I hate not working. I'm going to the country and seeing my mum today.
The weather is crap.It's always raining. I hate the Melbourne weather.

I'm printing out my zine today and hopefully putting it together in the next week or so.
"Josh" usually keeps me company in days like today but I haven't been able to get into that. I rang my cousin but ever felt like you may as well have just not been on the other end of the phone? All she goes on about is herself and the money she spends.
Blah.
I went out to dinner with Brian last night. That was ok. Nothing in it at all, beyond nothing but nice to go out.

My car is working! Yea! That is a highlight of my life at the moment! It took the specialist dealers FIVE times to figure out what was wrong with it and it took my normal mechanic one DAY!! I spent over $100 in Petrol money to take it back to these people! Turned out that the battery terminal had corroded or something.
Something soooo simple!
I'm going.

Love Sick

I feel tired.
Late night ,last night and worked early today.
Still waiting for a response to other jobs.
I have called them and just got the run around "We'll call you".

Jack. What to say? So much I want to say but feel I can't.
I think the understanding we have - is just that.

I should be at the overload closing night tonight but I'm just to tired.
Elliott is coming round tomorrow for a haircut. I have a feeling that his put up to it by either Thea or Steelo.
Find out my thoughts on Steelo. Maybe.
I've been playing "Josh" (my guitar) all night while watching reruns of M*A*S*H.

I'm feeling more positive.
I guess it's just a little hard at the moment. I'm only human. I want a little loving in my life.
Jack. That was a good understanding.
Why do I have to be the sort of person who has to get to know a person before anything happens?
It takes time and even then once I know them I don't want to do anything in fear that it would be to serious and stuff up a friendship.
My little hearts a little lonely tonight. Oh well, I think between the wine and the lack of food I couldn't be bothered to cook I'm ok. I just can't be with someone for the sake of not being lonely.
I think I'm a stronger person not doing so. I don't need emotional support from another person. Yeah, it would be nice but I value the fact that I can stand on my own two feet. And that means more to me then any relationship. What's sex when you don't loove some one?
I was told by a friend that someone we both knew wasn't that great in bed. Well guess what!
I think the best sex and the worst can come from the same person. It depends if you actually feel for them.
Love them, Want them so much that you want to be as close to them as humanly possible.
Love every bit about them, hairy toes and all. Love them in their ups and downs. Love them in every aspect.
Then sex won't e jjudged. It won't be bad, dull, "not that great" because when your with some one you love everything is put aside and you happy,content - in love.
These people who go out and f**k people do just that. How can you expect it to be so earth moving and fantastic if you don't have that emotional ties to that person too.
The more I drink the more it seems to make sense.
Sex isn't what holds a relationship together. It's the love, understanding and support.
Sex can continue a meaningless relationship together for a long time.
But love with will last forever.
It sounds all gushy but it's true.
Apologizing for spelling but in the condition Im in on not caring for small mistakes as long as I get some small point across.

How years fly

I just had a blast from the past.
The family I grew up with, I saw the mum when I was shopping and she said to come round for a cuppa. So I did.
I saw everyone. Being 6 of the eight.
One of them which has always been gorgeous, looks stunning. I don't get it!
Her mums been really against modeling but she could just get some really good cash on the side! She's got a beautiful face, legs that go up to her armpits, good tits long wavy dark brown hair and she's really tall. About 6'1 or 6'2. If I was her I'd be some sort of pin up!
Last night there was this show on plastic surgery. This girl looked really hot. She had blonde hair, bust,bum, athletic legs. Me thinking what is she on for??? She had lipo sculptor in her legs,bum, arms and back!!!
$10,000 later! She didn't look all that different and she had saggy skin on her arse and didn't look appealing!
I just think so many people are worried to much about what they look like.
Admittly I looked at this girl and thought your stunning and felt a bit of a frump next to her but hey, I'm not going to get any surgery to compensate altho last night watching the show it looked like an idea...Lucky it only lasted about a minute.

I'm waiting for the phone to ring. For someone to tell me - you've got the job.
I hate waiting but my guitar (who I have casually called "JOSH") Keeps me amused.
Overload festival wraps up tomorrow. I'm out tonight and I'll probably go to the close tomorrow.
I'm going to go for a walk today. Back along the track where the naked guy was I figure if I see him...Well I'll probably just laugh!

I've been doing some writing for my zine.
It's almost coming close to finishing. I want to put another song and a few pictures in there too.
I don't know how entertaining it would be but hey it's mine.

I'm tired.

MY SONG!!!!!! My Life

Well today I am SOOOO happy!
Which is great cos the last few weeks just sucked.
Yesterday I had an interview for a job which I want in Property management.
It went well and looks promising.
I colored Jacks hair today. It looked really good. As always - He's a good canvas :)
I'm smiling. Why? Because I got the balls up and sung him my song - While playing my guitar.
I was sooooo nervous. But I was so glad I did! I did it! I sung AND played my guitar in front of another person!In front of him! I stuffed up the chords a bit because I was a little insecure but as I play I get better and more confident.
He said there's no need to feel that way in front of him. That helped and after that it got easier.
He said he was impressed. I guess if your passionate about something you Keep on it.

Now I'll post the lyrics.

Lonely


The rain falls down on me tonight,
My shadow walks me home tonight,
Darkness it helps to fight
Tears falling from my eyes,
Falling from my eyes

I'm walking through shattered dreams,
Confusion stops a thousand things,
Thoughts that fill my head
with wrong things that I said

Walking in the rain
I'm walking in the pouring rain
I can't help but feel the pain

Tears falling from my eyes
I can't say I'm surprised
Walking home alone
Lonely in the cold
I am ...So alone


I kinda like it, Just played it with no stuff ups and got all the words right.
That would be right.
No one's hear.

Oh hears something.
Steelo called a few nights ago! I remember he said that he was finishing work up in Sydney at the end of the month.
ohhh. I don't know what else to do. I don't return his messages, I don't answer his calls - I've cut off all contact. Yet he still calls!?!
I don't get it.
We are just not compatable. I'm city - his country
I like the great outdoors but I love going to the city drinking and chilling out.
Watching the locals perform. I like the great out doors but not as a life style.
He's - country. A really nice guy, down to earth but we have nothing in common.


I'm off to another poetry night tonight (overload).
Jacks performing, so it Mr Philosopher. Gooseys coming with me should be a good night.

:)

Men - Am I unreasonable to think this?

Oh that's another thing.
I was thinking yesterday - Being that Jay is now boyfriendless.
He was telling me how he yelled at him a lot.

Is it just me? I don't think so. But Maria and her Fiancee fight a lot and say F**K off, C**T all sorts of really awful names and stuff.
It's not just me I'm sure, but if any boyfriend of mine swore at me, yelled at me or put me down in anyway - He wouldn't last. There is no second chance. Well maybe just depending on the person they might get a second chance.
But I would be soooo hurt if they were so angry at me, they had to resort to that.
This - I don't consider to be a standard, I just expect it.
George, My ex - Never swore at me, hardly ever raised his voice and we never argued.
Except one time when we were away on a holiday and there was a huge blow up - but that was after nearly three years.
I have to give him that, he also never swore around me. I guess it was easy because I didn't either.
I don't think I'm expecting to much from the male population. I guess you could say give me respect and love and I will to you to.

A splash of cash

Today was a better day.

Mum has come down from the country to see me and I'll cut and color her hair tomorrow, cut my brothers hair then on Wednesday cut Jacks. Quite honestly it couldn't have come at a better time. I had $3.40 in my bank and $50 in my wallet
a car running on empty and no food.
So praise God - I can get through another week.

I wrote another song last night. Again it's simple but I really like it because it's not a love song. It has nothing to do with love/ relationships really.
I'm going to put that in my zine as well.

I've also wrote some poetry. Nothing spesh, just random stuff.

I have an interview tomorrow. It's in property Management - which is what I wanted.
So I'll give it a good shot and keep my options open.
I really hope I get it, that means I can get off this dole. Which I HATE!

Feelings

I saw Jack tonight. Hmmm… Haven’t seen him for ages.
I’m totally taking out my fustration on him, I don’t mean to- I think I’m looking for someone who cares.
Well he … I guess – I don’t know.
I want to move out of home then maybe …


I wrote a short story today. I’m going to put it in my zine. I like it and enjoyed writing it.


What’s the deal with vivid dreams?

There was a clay door in a cave, at the back of it to the side a little was a small door. I put my fingers into this clay door, it was squishy. It opened. It lead down a clay hallway to another smaller clay door. It was like the doors in Charlie and the chocolate factory they just kept getting smaller and smaller until the last door which I opened It and it lead into a girls bedroom. She was about 8. She looked stunned, like she had never seen a human before. She hadn’t. She was like a little pixi like thing.
Anyway she was glad that I found her and her family as she believed that The world had blowen up and she was in the cave for protection from other humans.
But she liked me and we became friends.
So I would go and visit her but she never told her father pixi that she was going out the clay door to the outside world.
Then this one day he saw me climbing into her room through the clay door.
He flipped out saying “ What are you doing hear ! you humans destroyed our world”
He was furious!
Then I promised that I wouldn’t tell anyone but then a young guy followed me one day into the cave and saw where I was going.
The next day he went and destroyed their clay door, their clay house and every thing that was made out of clay.
The father pixi was really angry that I told someone about them.
I hadn’t told anyone but I was to upset to tell him.
I woke up thinking about where the pixie’s are going to live!!!!


I think the clay doors were a major thing in my dream.

Oh, since that naked guy was on the run about on the track that I run on I haven’t been out running since. It helps that it’s been freezing cold but I do want to go out again. I just have to do it.

I figured out why.

I don't want to cry. I did, but now because I have pin pointed why I feel the way I do it's kinda - well an accomplishment of sorts. I like to eliminate certain things to why I feel like just crying. Process of elimitation.
It's because I live with my brother.
I find it really hard to live with him. No one know just how hard it is. They can try and imagine but like everything you just don't know until you have walked a week in my shoes.
Now he's got a job and we don't live in each others pockets - it's a little easier to avoid at all costs, But it's really hard.
I feel like I''m reaching out and no one will take my hand. The only person who can help me up at times is either myself which I have done so for years and managed to get back up but now I want someone who understands.
My best friend Maria is fantastic. I love her and she knows what I go through.
She's probably the only one who really gets what I go through with out dealing with it first hand.
Thank God he makes things happen at the right times. For example - I'm in love with my guitar and that takes my mind off everything else. It's my one outlet where I can just have me time and really enjoy myself.

I'm sooo tired tonight. I'm going to sleep real soon, late nights and early starts.
I think about the work I want and I just have to wait to hear answers.
Otherwise I'm going to call them up.

I want to sleep.

Bring on overload!!!

Ok, so I've been pretty busy with stuff. What stuff? Well, I have been going to the overload poetry festival and having a ball doing so. The opening night Goosey and I went along pub to pub listening to all sorts of poetry. One girls was really moving, she was doing a serious poem about her granfather being a Jew in a concentration camp. That stuff really touches me, she worded it so well.
I had a really long weekend. I started work early so I could finish early so that I could go to a zine fair. I got there and it had packed up an hour early.
I then made my way to gooseys and we played pool as I was filling in time because I was driving Mr Philosopher out to the sticks ( outer suburbs) to do a gig.
It was a good night, he was great and everyone loved him.
People were still telling me yesterday how they thought he was great.
Sunday I had to wake up at 5.50am and go and do hair.
It turned out really good and she was happy.
Because I was sooo tired it took twice as long to put it up but hey - ya get that.
I went to a workshop yesterday and walked out inspired.
For the first time in my life I played my guitar in front of 16 PEOPLE!!!
I was shaking so much I stuffed up the chords and it was scratchy because my fingers were not doing what they should be. But I went through with it and in the end one girl asked if we could work a little together, me put music to her poetry.
I was stunned as I think this girl is really talented and I'm crap. I told her I really don't know much and I have only been playing for 8 months.
She didn't care, Well she heard me! Also one of my poems was read out. That hadn't been done either - well since high school.
I went to another gig last night. I ended up going out again to another gig last night and heard some funny/serious/meaningful poetry and music.
I went to these things by myself and honestly I didn't mind a bit. I knew one of the performers and another woman who I met from the workshop.
I'm really enjoying myself at the moment.
Another thing I have finally finished a song!!!! Yea!!!!
It's extremely simple and a little boring but hey it's my first finished song.
There's another two being a working progress but yeah they're all that little girly crappy love songs.
Gotta start somewhere.
the next week and a half should be good.
I went for an interview last week and I really want the job, but I still haven't heard from them. They said that it would take two weeks.

R.I.P

I may have growen up with her then drifted later on in life but you never forget.
Check it out if you want.

Bali Bombings.

Oh my God.
I don't believe it. They have actually made a movie on the Bali bombings.
Isn't it enough that we lived through it once!
I was the and for it. It feels heavy in my chest and my eyes well up with tears.
It shouldn't be done.
I still remember picking up the paper and seeing her face...
Weeks later...She's on the front page of the Paper....In a swimming pool with her friends.... Headline "THERE ALL GONE!!"
It's something that you just never forget.
I can't believe they made a F***EN MOVIE!!!
R.I.P Bec.

It's all about me

Nothing seems to be that interesting.

I hate fence sitters.

I like passionate people.

I think I will be swooped on by magpies on my walk fairly soon.

I think my blog is boring.

I want to go and make a zine.

I am content.

This is why...I need a new song title

Today's great. I brought my brother a book for his birthday and I managed to get a cheaper price.
I went and picked up an overload festival program and played my guitar.
I have one verse a chorus and about two other verses I keep changing.
I mentioned it to Jack and he wants to hear it. It sounds so totally basic and not that great but I guess it is the first one so maybe I'll swallow my pride and everything else and show him.
I'll post the final lyrics. Crap as they may be.