late at night

Well, I just got home from a party – a friends 30th. It was good to get out and nice people too.
I’m really tired.
I’ve told Deb from work that she’s my next of kin for tomorrows ride.
Mk told me to be careful.
Brother and mum still have no idea and I’d like to keep it that way.
I just don’t want to hear about how dangerous they think it is.

I’m a little nervous but it’s something I really want to do.
I’m quite tipsy.

I’ve got nothing really to say.

How about …. I’m still sick, I lost my glasses and I played my guitar today and it was really good.

Tomorrows ride is for 5 – yes –5 – hours!!! 5!
I’m going to be mighty sore on Monday.

I would like to shag Eve again. Mmmmm…… great sex.
Hmmmm….. not a nice person.
The guy who tried to lead me to his room and “pay attention” to me – the engaged one, I found out they broke up. I think it was for the best.

I need to sleep. I’m cold.

And Today

Turns out that i'm not going out this evening with Nick, Girley man and his partner for dinner.

Nick didn't get any sleep, girlyman was kept back at work and I - well i'm still abit sick. So it's for the best.
I know what it's like to be so tired you don't want to go anywhere.
So now - I might just take a shower and have a night in...

I better rest up for Sunday :)

I'm not saying anything to my mum or brother - I don't want to listen to the lecture of why I shouldn't go.
I'll just have to be carefull... Stop myself from getting to cocky.

I also have a friends 30th birthday tomorrow night, I won't be staying long but that should be nice.

Nick was funny today. being that he was really tired he was starting to become insultive. It was really quite funny :) LOL!
He told me "it's no wonder I don't have a boyfriend" as I was refering to my sickness and "Boogers" when I blew my nose:))LOL!
Then he told another older woman she should be meeting people at the "RSL" (where old people - alot older then her) go to meet up LOL!
Yeah... Ya had to be there :))

I had a dream the other night - we were lying in bed in Vietnam and it was a hot night and I started to annoy him by poking him unexpectedly in the ribs!
What THE!
In the dream he was getting annoyed. It was really just a take off from what happened wiht my Ex. I woke up and thought -I better not be a pain in the ass.
I'm told i'm not, but try spending three weeks with me or with anyone for that matter and not drive eachother crazy at some point!

I'm reading another book now about this Jewish girl who survived the war and what happened aterward. Her struggle with fitting in etc.
So far so good.

I'm still down loading songs and it's great.

I need a massage i've got a sore neck and back.

Not going to happen. End thought.

Yesterday

So I’m at home again today. I’m sitting / lying in my cleen sheeted bed, I got rid of all the tissues that were sprawled around me and now I’m just about to watch a movie “Mad Love” with Drew Barrymore. She’s really gorgeous.

I went in to work this morning 6am till 0830. I just wasn’t well enough to stay.
Nick was in there today. He didn’t want to come to close – cos I was “infected” he comforted from a distance with a sheet of paper. It was kinda funny – ya had to be there.

I’ve got a doctors appt today. I need penicillin.

I was meant to go on a bush walk with Nick today but were going to do it next week. I just find it so hard to think in the near future to do things. I just think I work and anything else is a bonus on the day and it depends how I feel.

Tazz came over last night to see how I was and to talk. I found out a lot about him. I love getting to know people and where they come from.
He has such an inner strength. I’ve always liked him (yes I even had a crush until I found out that he was gay.) yet I now – I just think he’s fabulous.
He thinks I ‘m a little… Naive.

I need to go sleep. Or watch a movie then fall asleep during it.

So yeah.
……. Hours later

I had a sleep and I’m still tired. I’ve also got a headache. I just watched this Disney movie and I cried! It was sooo sad! AND it was a kids DISNEY MOVIE!
A great movie – “Tuck Forever” A love movie, all about never ending love. Ohhhh. Makes me sad thinking about it!
It’s a DISNEY MOVIE!

So anyway. I just heard from Fi. I was meant to help her out with this justice church thing and I thought it was in 2 weeks. Turns out it was this weekend! She said not to worry someone else did it but I think I’ve been to self-focused. Thinking about how I’m going to spend m one day off and organising things to do with friends. The whole Girly Man thing with him leaving and developing deeper relationships with people. I’ve put things at church on hold a bit and unfortunately the people.

I’m not a prude.… but lately… I’ve felt – prudish. In a sense that …. No that’s the wrong word for it. I feel like I’m …. I was going to say being someone I’m not but it’s not that.
I feel like I need to do something for someone…. I miss “The Streeties” I miss those relationships. I just can’t do late nights.
Another thing.
I went for a walk the other day, the sun was shining Damon was running about, I wore this top that is years old but very comfortable and I like it.
Now I haven’t got a bust. The comment was made that Tazz would have bigger man boobs then me – maybe. I can live with that but you see this top was a low cut top not so low that it left nothing to the imagination but it was open to see any cleaveage line that doesn’t really exist.
So I’m walking along and I see two people from my church – a married couple and all of a sudden I became very aware of what I was wearing. To add to it I had a great bra on that boosted what it could.
Now see – this is my dilemma. I’ve never had a problem with wearing this sort of clothing but at that moment I wish I had a singlet top on – like the one she was wearing.
Conservative. Yet, I’m not all that …. Well I am sorta conservative but… different.
My conservative may not be “church” conservative. I don’t think I’m making much sense.
So in the end I just feel like I should … I don’t know. I’m not going to stop being me.
I think I’ve got a good balance. I think if I was to have tits I’d be …. Better off with what I’ve got. I’ve always said that. I think if I had them when I was young I’d be into more trouble then what I already got into!
It was all nice trouble tho.
I think it’s good to get this off my shoulders. Things make sense when writing them down.
I feel like I’m a church impostor. I sit and sing and praise and I talk to God at home but … I think I have more Christian influence around me.

Yesterday

So I’m at home again today. I’m sitting / lying in my cleen sheeted bed, I got rid of all the tissues that were sprawled around me and now I’m just about to watch a movie “Mad Love” with Drew Barrymore. She’s really gorgeous.

I went in to work this morning 6am till 0830. I just wasn’t well enough to stay.
Nick was in there today. He didn’t want to come to close – cos I was “infected” he comforted from a distance with a sheet of paper. It was kinda funny – ya had to be there.

I’ve got a doctors appt today. I need penicillin.

I was meant to go on a bush walk with Nick today but were going to do it next week. I just find it so hard to think in the near future to do things. I just think I work and anything else is a bonus on the day and it depends how I feel.

Tazz came over last night to see how I was and to talk. I found out a lot about him. I love getting to know people and where they come from.
He has such an inner strength. I’ve always liked him (yes I even had a crush until I found out that he was gay.) yet I now – I just think he’s fabulous.
He thinks I ‘m a little… Naive.

I need to go sleep. Or watch a movie then fall asleep during it.

So yeah.
……. Hours later

I had a sleep and I’m still tired. I’ve also got a headache. I just watched this Disney movie and I cried! It was sooo sad! AND it was a kids DISNEY MOVIE!
A great movie – “Tuck Forever” A love movie, all about never ending love. Ohhhh. Makes me sad thinking about it!
It’s a DISNEY MOVIE!

So anyway. I just heard from Fi. I was meant to help her out with this justice church thing and I thought it was in 2 weeks. Turns out it was this weekend! She said not to worry someone else did it but I think I’ve been to self-focused. Thinking about how I’m going to spend m one day off and organising things to do with friends. The whole Girly Man thing with him leaving and developing deeper relationships with people. I’ve put things at church on hold a bit and unfortunately the people.

I’m not a prude.… but lately… I’ve felt – prudish. In a sense that …. No that’s the wrong word for it. I feel like I’m …. I was going to say being someone I’m not but it’s not that.
I feel like I need to do something for someone…. I miss “The Streeties” I miss those relationships. I just can’t do late nights.
Another thing.
I went for a walk the other day, the sun was shining Damon was running about, I wore this top that is years old but very comfortable and I like it.
Now I haven’t got a bust. The comment was made that Tazz would have bigger man boobs then me – maybe. I can live with that but you see this top was a low cut top not so low that it left nothing to the imagination but it was open to see any cleaveage line that doesn’t really exist.
So I’m walking along and I see two people from my church – a married couple and all of a sudden I became very aware of what I was wearing. To add to it I had a great bra on that boosted what it could.
Now see – this is my dilemma. I’ve never had a problem with wearing this sort of clothing but at that moment I wish I had a singlet top on – like the one she was wearing.
Conservative. Yet, I’m not all that …. Well I am sorta conservative but… different.
My conservative may not be “church” conservative. I don’t think I’m making much sense.
So in the end I just feel like I should … I don’t know. I’m not going to stop being me.
I think I’ve got a good balance. I think if I was to have tits I’d be …. Better off with what I’ve got. I’ve always said that. I think if I had them when I was young I’d be into more trouble then what I already got into!
It was all nice trouble tho.
I think it’s good to get this off my shoulders. Things make sense when writing them down.
I feel like I’m a church impostor. I sit and sing and praise and I talk to God at home but … I think I have more Christian influence around me.

Give me a BREAK!!!

So I have a headache. I’m tired and I’ve got aches and pains. My eyes are watering, and I’m swallowing razors that settle in my stomach then get blowen outta my nose AND I’m sneezing! This could also be hayfeaver as well.
GREAT.
I’m frightened that if I don’t rest up I’ll get really sick so I took tomorrow off.

It’s a beautiful day and I’m SICK!!!!! OMG!!!! Today I confirmed that I’m going dirt bike riding on Sunday. I realy want to go but this is what happens when I plan in the near future. Stupid health. I do all the right things and look what happens!

Humple.
I’m going to bed. And it’s only 2.50 PM!!!!!!!!!!!

PMT

I'm sorry, are you tired?
You Bitch.

I need some loving....

Yes, sweet sweet lurving.... mmmm....

Not going to happen.

End thought.

Girly Man called today he said his house mate has lost his mobile.
He’s good it’s great talking to him again. He’s thinking about moving interstate. I felt disappointed, but it’s all up in the air.

I’m tired. I want to buy a really nice dress to wear to the Christmas parties. I can’t find anything – so off to the markets tomorrow.

I want to cry, but i'm not that sad. In fact i'm happy. I want to cry because my emotions are going hay wire because I'm a female and it sux.
I feel like watching Beaches. I'm downloading songs as I type.

I'm tired. I worked all day.

I need some lurving... ;)

Another busy day

Another super busy day today. Prayed to God and he again pulled through.

It was really windy and I had to hang around for a work general meeting. That went on for an hour and a half.
So I ended up taking Damon out for a walk and went shopping to by Mk a birthday present. I brought him a nice shirt from all of us girls.
I went out and had drinks (tea and midori)with Raff tonight . Came home early because I have to work tomorrow.

I'm going to bed.

Holidays

It was soooo busy at work today but I think I managed to survive ... I think. I hope.

I put in for my holidays in Feburary today. I've given them four months notice!
I guess I did ask for three weeks and another girl is having time off in March or Janurary and others would probably want time off around then too.

It was really hot today - and what did I do? Sleep.
I was really tired. Nothing else really happening in my life. I'll probably go swimming tomorrow after work. It really helped my back.

So i'm off to go microwave some vegies,
ciao for now

crap.

So brother comes into the room when I’m talking on the phone and starts yelling at me so much to the fact that Raff who was on the other end could hear extreamly clearly.I retaliated. I told him if he speaks to me like that again I will “slap him so hard across the face” – He continued. I hung up the phone got up and started after and he locked him self in his room. I scream at him “don’t fricken talk to me, don’t even look at me!!!”
Then I thought I’m TWENTY FIVE years old and I’m acting like a 4 year old! I retaliated which is what he is wanting. What he does.
He verbally abuses me every day! Numerous times a day! I HATE HIM! I really do.

Sigh. I wish I could leave. I don’t need this. He makes me into someone I don’t like. I have to get out. I have to. I need to.
What sparked it all off? May you ask. There’s abspestos I the backyard and it’s the door to the shed. It’s been broken for years but because brother “fixed” it by putting duct tape over the split – Yeah that’s meant to hold it together. He doesn’t EVER do ANYTHING completely.
So I open it the other day to get out the lawn mower and supposedly I broke it. I don’t think I did, BECAUSE it’s been BROKEN for YEARS! Also I don’t recall breaking through any duct tape. He went beserk. WHATEVER.

Sigh. I’m tired.

It was a late night last night. It was great to see girly man again.
His partner is really down to earth, like girly man really. She’s really nice and very open. You can feel really comfortable with them.
There was a lot of laughing and talking and we decided that were all going out to the zoo in three weeks with his kids too and probably girly mans best friend.
Nick was funny. He makes me laugh! Some of the conversations…. :))
Girly Man said that he describes me as “ prim and proper” – ha… ha – hmm – I guess one of our conversations was about some girls sexual habbits.
I just didn’t go into what I do and don’t do – hey – some things have to be left up to the imagination!
They were talking about sex out doors and things like that. I just smile and don’t disclose too too much.
They knew about the whole Eve thing but …not everything… ;))

I guess I just – I don’t know. If I was talking one on one I’d maybe disclose more but I just like listening to others :)
I think if I had a boyfriend in that situation I wouldn’t care but because I don’t it’s different.

So I better go it’s getting late and I need to sleep.
Bye bye

Update :))

Well once again I managed to pick myself up :)
Things have been looking up in all aspects.
I haven't spoken to Girly Man since Monday.... I think we are still going out saturday....
I'm tired but I'm going out for dinner... yeah.
work tomorrow... Oh! I better go wash my shirt!
....Done.

Gotta run... going out to dinner.
Praise God! He has been wonderful to me lately :)
I needed money and he gave me clients, I wanted friends and I got calls out of the blue and a visit from the ex.
It's all just what I needed :)

I like frogs :)

I'm giving in the times that I want for my holiday to VIetnam. I asked Nick if he's had second thoughts... We've got to know each other more lately - and he still does, so it all systems go.
:)) gotta go

Yes I complain lots when tired.

Girley man and I were just talking.
He knew I wasn't myself.
I'm not myself. I'm not happy. I have the awful woman sitting next to me tomorrow and I'm already getting heart pulpations.
Hopefully it will be ok. I'll pray about it.

I feel like.... I.... I....I don't know.
I think i'm dealing with change. I really miss girly man at work. I walk in to work and the atmosphere's different.

I'm also...feeling....having... abondment issues. Everyone leaves.
This always makes tears spring to my eyes.
I feel like it will be like this forever. Just knowing that things may not last.
They will leave. I guess i'm thinking like this because of....Girly man for one.
The fact Eve's shagging another chick. My best friend just hasn't got time for me. My other best friend I feel like were going different directions.....
I haven't gone to hurch in about 5 or 6 weeks!

There's talk around the office that I don't want to be a part of so I try and just stay away from any gossip.

I guess.... I want intimacy. Closeness, But hears the thing I don't want commitment.
It scares me. when I thought Eve wanted that I talked myself into it - when really,I was terrified!

I want my cake and I want to eat it too.

I want to cry.
I want to cry because I have that awful, horriable woman sitting next to me tomorrow,
I miss Girly man.
My best friend dosen't care.
Every man has left me in my life.
I have lots of bills and my next pay is gone beore it's come.
My shoulder is sore again.
My knee is also sore.
I'm tired.
I'm alone.
God help me tomorrow.

I feel so dejected.
I won't let myself get close to anyone anymore. When I do - they leave.

I'll pick myself up. This won't last long. Maybe a little longer because it's already been all today and tomorrows already making me sad.I might just go and have a cry.

My Brother took Damon for a walk today. I worked then went ot the pools and that was enough. I'm really tired and I'm going to see Goosey tonight. I'm tired.
I've had this unsettled feeling and it's stress.
i just do't want to think about work.
Oh my God. The wedding hair tomorrow is going to be a nightmare and I just don't care.
I don't have enough time to fit them all in so they will just have to run late and hope that the make up dosen't smudge. I'm never saying yes again unless it's on my tearms. Stuff this.

I really need to go an have a sleep. If I don't - well I just don't feel like talking to anyone now give me another hour with no sleep and i'll just be extreamly anti social.

I'm soooo tired.

He's shagging another girl

Peter Brock there’s another Australian Icon that’s died. What’s going on!???

Steve the croc hunter now Peter Brock the car legend!

I’ve been having trouble at work. I broke down in something like a Panic attack at work thank God it was only in front of this great girl who I poured my heart out and she was great. I just needed to tell someone. So today I felt really upset. Sort of the way you feel when you just cry and cry. I felt still a little shaken up today.
I have to get over it. One of the women there is on a power trip and I’m worried about loosing my job. So I’m a shaken mess.
Nicks good he helps but I still miss Girly Man.

I’m tired that doesn’t help things at all.
I’m so tired. My shoulder hurts and Damon wants to go out or a walk and I’m to tired to take him out. Poor baby.
I’m going.

I found out that Eves got a “girl friend” . I was shocked. He moved on so quickly.
I went through the whole rejected thing again but I guess I got over it.

Someone else can have him. He wasn’t a nice person but he was great in bed and had heaps of passion…. Yet I don’t want him, he was just so awful.

It didn’t stop me from being still very surprised.

God I just want to cry.
I want a hug.
Raff gave me a hug yesterday.
I’ll be ok. I need my friends and I’m going out tomorrow night to Gooseys I haven’t seen her since about April. So I’m looking forward to that. I have to work the next day for myself doing hair up for a wedding. I really don’t want to do it. I said yes because I thought it was only going to be one person. Turns out there’s three people and they have straight course Asian hair that’s hard to put up. Sigh. That’s 14 days straight that I have to get up at 5 am.
I really wish that I said no.

Weekend away

Yesterday after work it was such a nice day and warm night I took off on a retreat to the beach.
I packed an overnight bag, strapped Damon in the back, filled up my car with petrol and off I went. I found a place to stay and I just thought – don’t think about it credit it.
So I did.
We walked to the shops and stopped on the way to play on the beach.
It was about 7pm and dark only with moonlight to light up the sea. Damon ran in and out of the sea, jumped around like a rabbit, he was soooo happy. He was just soooo cute. I rang Nick and talked to him for a while.
He asked if there was any light?
“Yeah it’s not to bad – hang on what’s that light? Oh – it’s gone”
a little later “Ohhh – that’s the moonlight and the clouds are moving across it – that’s why it comes and goes…”
He laughed, “That’s so cute”
I laughed “no not really”

I stood on the beach and just felt so so so so happy. I was thinking, I have people around me who are so wonderful. Really great people. I feel so blessed to have these people around me right now.
I felt so happy. So complete.

When I went back to my room “Beaches” was on T.V so I watched that and wrote some poetry.
It was sooo nice.
Then I had really bad dreams. When that happens I usually get Damon up and sleeping on my bed next to me. Then it’s ok. But one of the rules was that he had to sleep in the car. I did then kinda wish I had someone to hold me or just to touch.
But that was the only time really.
The next morning we walked along the beach then went to a local market m too where I brought two sausages in bread and yes, Damon liked liked them too :)

I came back home and went for a quick bike ride with Days running next to me then I went to bed and slept. I was really quite tired.

It was all up a really great weekend.

I’m thinking about Girly man. I’m going to miss him tomorrow. Really miss him.
It makes me sad but I think were catching up or talking tomorrow anyway but it’s just not the same. Nick said that when he went into work the other night he too was a little disappointed that he wasn’t there.

Were all going out in a couple of weeks so that will be good :)

Weekend away

Yesterday after work it was such a nice day and warm night I took off on a retreat to the beach.
I packed an overnight bag, strapped Damon in the back, filled up my car with petrol and off I went. I found a place to stay and I just thought – don’t think about it credit it.
So I did.
We walked to the shops and stopped on the way to play on the beach.
It was about 7pm and dark only with moonlight to light up the sea. Damon ran in and out of the sea, jumped around like a rabbit, he was soooo happy. He was just soooo cute. I rang Nick and talked to him for a while.
He asked if there was any light?
“Yeah it’s not to bad – hang on what’s that light? Oh – it’s gone”
a little later “Ohhh – that’s the moonlight and the clouds are moving across it – that’s why it comes and goes…”
He laughed, “That’s so cute”
I laughed “no not really”

I stood on the beach and just felt so so so so happy. I was thinking, I have people around me who are so wonderful. Really great people. I feel so blessed to have these people around me right now.
I felt so happy. So complete.

When I went back to my room “Beaches” was on T.V so I watched that and wrote some poetry.
It was sooo nice.
Then I had really bad dreams. When that happens I usually get Damon up and sleeping on my bed next to me. Then it’s ok. But one of the rules was that he had to sleep in the car. I did then kinda wish I had someone to hold me or just to touch.
But that was the only time really.
The next morning we walked along the beach then went to a local market m too where I brought two sausages in bread and yes, Damon liked liked them too :)

I came back home and went for a quick bike ride with Days running next to me then I went to bed and slept. I was really quite tired.

It was all up a really great weekend.

I’m thinking about Girly man. I’m going to miss him tomorrow. Really miss him.
It makes me sad but I think were catching up or talking tomorrow anyway but it’s just not the same. Nick said that when he went into work the other night he too was a little disappointed that he wasn’t there.

Were all going out in a couple of weeks so that will be good :)

Girly man

It was Girly mans last day today and I cried. I didn't think I could phically cry anymore but I did.
I no one really understood but girly man and Nick.
I can't explaine it.
I think in short he very simply liked me for me and that was enough.
Nick, Girly man and I are all on a par and it really gives me the warm and fuzzys.

Ivy and I were talking again today and she asked why don't I just do something about it because there's obviously something there between us. I explined again that it's just not like that. I don't and can't think of it like that. I just don't want to becuse the three of us know that we all really are just friends and it's a great feeling.

I was emotional and tired today so now I better go off to bed.

I hope blogging buddy Sara is ok - labor can be worring. Keep her in ya prayers!