I just got home from Elliotts.
1am.
I met Trish, he's "Not girlfreind - it's complicated" Girlfriend.
It's just a matter of time with those two.
I asked "If Elliott got a girlfriend, you'd have to go"
"Yeah" - she had a lot to drink "I get jealous when he flirts with other people"
Yep, only a matter of time.
She's really nice. We all had a laugh, Ant and I played the guitar inbetween haircuts and dinner. In the end we actually played alright together.
Were going to make a song together, that should be fun :)
I thought if a boyfriend of mine had a girl "friend" like Trish, where there is history but nothing happened and she's been there longer than me - well - she's got to go.
Sorry, but I thought it would be ok - reality - It's not.
I'm into getting to know people but if they have girlfriends, the friendship should stay distant.
I think to a point what I did with Ant tonight was wrong.
All we did is play together, chat but it's really easy. Nothing to worry about...yeah...No.
I'm NOT and NEVER was the jealous girlfriend. I trusted my ex. He never cheated on me that I know. He never hugged girls more then he should of. Hold on for that extra few seconds. Am I being paranoid??
I don't think so.
I'm into taking the chicks side.
Aussie was saying to me he's GF which they have just got back together, doesn't stand up for herself.
He said he'll go mad at her and she will apologize!
In his words "You D**K, F**ken stupid,Bl**dy hell!!!"
(She let his car run out of fuel)
So Aussie was telling me that he expects a girl to give it back to him.
Yeah, I thought. I nodded my head??!!!!
I'm thinking that poor girl.
I spoke to Ant about it.
"If ANYONE spoke to me like that, I would crack it. My friends wouldn't ever say that to me! My ex never spoke to me like that and he NEVER swore to me at me or not much in general. I wouldn't arc up and give it back if someone spoke to me like that - I just wouldn't put up with it. It's over end of story no matter if I loved them beyond forever - forget it."
Ant smiled."I wouldn't ever speak like that"
"Yeah"
"Women are the wonderful beautiful..." Blah blah blah he scored points.
Is what I'm doing wrong? Or is it just me looking into something which isn't anything.

I had an interview today for a job doing admin/PA/organizing events I don't think I got it. I'm giving out my resume to more places tomorrow.

I'm going out tonight to some theater comedy thing. I've seen part of the act before and it was funny so hopefully tickets are not sold out.

One more for today

I finally remembered where the Jangle gym was and by the time I got there I couldn't find a car park I had a headche, stomach ache and I thought stuff it i'm going home.
I text Ant and told him that I changed my plans and he called saying he wasn't going to go either.
I was thinking in the car on the way home if I had been with a Boyfriend I'd have to persist and wonder what they wanted to do etc. I smile - glad I don't have to care about that.
I'm going over to Ants tomorrow night were having dinner with Elliotte, Aussie and his GF Fi and another girl Trish.
Then we are going to Jam for awhile - maybe.

At least I get to go back to walking during the day now.

Well - Today is not all bad.
I got a phone call from the jobsearch place wanting to help me get a job.
I looked around today and called a place which recruit's people for Real estate jobs.
I have spoken to them before - she was really nice and supportive.

It was good going to the bible study group last night, Everyone was really supportive and made me see that it wasn't fair on me and they did ask to much of some one who had no experience.
The woman on the phone who has had experience in the field said the same. I don't feel so bad.
I just need a job.

I'm looking forward to tonight. Looks like I'm going solo I sent Ant a text and got no reply. It doesn't phase me.

There is a group of us from church going to this place called dark zone. What it is, is a three story building and everyone puts on these chest things and then from 10pm till 7am you run around this building in the dark shooting people with lazers.
It will be good because everyone runs round like a kid and has fun. I've wanted to do it for ages so when that happens it will be a good night.
I'm going to get people who do street works to come. The more the merrier!

I got a camp counselors USA pack sent to me yesterday...I rang them ages ago and it's like a follow up application form thing.
If I had a temp job which lasted six months and payed well - I'd do it for sure.

Random.
I don't like cheese.
I don't like cheesy or creamy things. Maybe once every few months I'll crave it but after about two slices - I get over it.


M*A*S*H is on! Love that show!!

Go and check out Mr Philosophers Website it's been updated and I like it :)
It's in my links.

So this is life.

Ok. I'll start with my dream.My dream last night I woke up at 1.30 and had to write it down because I didn't want to forget it.

Well I was on this ship for the weekend, you stay on it every weekend until they find you a job then you have to leave, or you leave to go home during the week.

I'm alone, Most people know each other and they go off in to their rooms. Each room has two double beds.
I walk into a room, II see that there is one Asian couple in one bed and this tall blonde hair guy getting undressed about to go to bed.
Mind if I bunk hear.
"Yeah" Like he didn't care.
I get in and he lies down. It was all very natural he lay on his back and put one arm around me and I rested one arm on his chest. I close my eyes and we start to talking ( I can't remember about what) But I had my eyes closed because we were going to sleep.
After awhile I thought I want to see what he looks like.
I prop up on one elbow, he has a very white body, he has hairy legs,chest,arms(My ex boyfriends body but taller - nearly 6 foot)
He had brown hair about 4 inches long and a goatee (My cousins ex husbands hair and Jacks goatee but a little thicker) Clear blue eyes (Jacks) and smile (Jacks) Face like a guy I saw in a photo (on a blog). He spoke with an American accent.
Then in the morning he got up and out of bed and he changed. He's hair was blonde and he had no hair on his body (like Jacob I met while I was overseas.)
- Then we were on a floating piece of wood it was in the sea. We passed another floating piece of wood which an Asian man was holding This guy Troy (name of little sisters boyfriend who I don't overly like) tapped the china man on the shoulder and the piece of wood turned in to a gondola (like in Venice) and he steered it. There were a few floating china men and that was there job to float around till they get tapped by someone to steer the wood that turned in to a gondola (still follow?)
I thought this was funny and was laughing that that's what they do for a job!They sit around in the Sea waiting to get tapped!

Then it goes over time and were about four weeks in.
Troy and I start kissing in this bed on a ship he pulls me on top of him
I stopped and said"I'm a Christian - "
He accepted that and didn't take it any futher but because he accepted that I think I wanted him more.
I had to go to the toilet - In the dream - I wanted him but I was in a jam. What I wanted and being a Christian. I had to go to the toilet.
I was waiting for the toilet thinking I'm not going to have sex. But just in case I do I look at the condom.It's better without it, sex equals baby,condoms aren't 100% safe I want this guy, will I marry him? Probably not - but I really like him.
My father walked into the room where I was waiting to go to the toilet. He was 25 years younger in his dark blue work uniform. He told my brother to get off the toilet because I needed to go and was waiting. I was thinking I hope I don't leave Troy for to long and ruin the moment - I then woke up and had to go to the toilet.
End dream.

What the HELL WAS I THINKING!!!!

The guy "Troy" kept changing. He started off like Jack then he was like Elliott.

Sort of not caring to caring.
I woke up and wrote it down. I guess in struggling with that part of my faith. Two Christians I know have been together for six years and just got engaged - I don't think they ever slept with eachother.

Maybe that's why I had the dream...maybe.

So on to other News.
Sigh.
I got the
"Karen can we talk"
Ohh, last time she "talked" it wasn't that great.
Well this time it wasn't any better.
"I don't know how to say this - but we have to let you go"
"Really!"
She nodded
"Really!!??"
"Yeah"
"Why?"
"Well, it's just that we need some one on reception with more experience. We should have known that when we were interviewing. Your not that confident and clear on the phone"
" I did find it hard to be confident on the phone at the start because I didn't know what to say and I was told to be confident but how can I when I don't know what I'm going on about"
"Yeah, that's Why we really need some one with experience."
I didn't cry, for a split second I thought I might but I got over it.
She felt really bad doing it, I felt sorry for her!
She also mentioned that I wasn't "bubbley" I didn't say that since I started I was really sick and just managed to get through the day. My best day was Friday and I felt like I was starting to improve and getting the hang of the job.
I think it just sux that I stuffed up the phones three times in two or three days and it was all when my boss and Manager called to speak to the other manager of my office. Opps.
So I said good bye to everyone. I felt like I was just starting to get to know people because I was getting to know how to do the job. Yesterday for example it was one of the property managers Rostered day off. A tenenant of hers rang and told me that the hot water system had blown up and water was gushing out everywhere.
I had to call the Land lord get the ok which he said I'll call you back. I gave him nearly two hours when he said that he will call back in five minutes. I chased him back up and got the ok to get a plummer out. I then called a plummer and organized the quote and told him what he had to do because he hadn't done any jobs for the company and didn't know the procedure.
That is actually what property managers do.
That is there job.
I was told that I would be trained. I wasn't.
She said that they didn't have the time to train someone.
I think I was in shock. I've never been "let go" when I was actually improving.
I guess that's life.
I came home got my phone which I had left at home today and went to my room.
Again I didn't cry. I wasn't angry, I guess I was numb.
I lay on my bed thinking. I don't want to talk. Who do I tell?
I don't want to tell anyone. What should I do? Get drunk.
I got two messages one suprisingly was from the jobsearch place which I was in for awhile asking how I was going in my job? I wrote back. I just lost it today. Karen.
No reply.
The other one was from Jack saying he got the photo I sent on the weekend.(Doh!)
So I told him.
Let's go get drunk was the reply.
It's nice he had the thought but really it wasn't going to happen.
So I thought I'll go and do it myself, second thoughts I better save my money.
I ended up going to bible study which we pritty much sat around talked,laughed,had dinner,laughed, prayed and laughed.
I was glad I went. I got to see Fi and her little baby tummy. I'm sooooo excited for her. Shes due on April the second.

On the Job front. I felt like some of my energy had been sucked away but one door closes another one opens. If God didn't want me there he'll put me some where else.
I don't feel much. Numb still maybe. I guess I'm disappointed. I don't like feeling that way and I don't like to let people know that I get disappointed. It doesn't happen to often.
I wasn't disappointed when Jay and Ant didn't call. I expected that. I knew they wouldn't.
They called the next day. I didn't get Jays phone call but my phone dialled Ant's number in my bag when I didn't put it on key lock and he called me back.
We may go out tomorrow night to the Jangle gym. If he doesn't come I'll go by myself.
It will be good just to chill out and not worrie about having a late night. I don't have to get up early or anything now.
This is a really long post.

Sweet Dreams...

Just quickly, I had two o the most wierdest dreams!!!

I'll post the first one tonight or tomorrow, when I get more time. It made me question so many things that I didn't want to forget it so I wrote it down.

The second one,(I would of liked it to continue on from the first one but...;) ) I was at a boot camp for models and I'm no model, everyone had to get up and do a spearl about them selves and I thought now's my chance - I got up and started to go on about how all the stick figure people around me needed to be happy with them selves. They needed to put on weight because they looked sick(which they did, I think they were all mentally taken be anorexia or belimua) There was also this guy Pete (I know him through my old small group) and he was there being really supportive of what I was saying. The panel of Judges didn't know what to say. One of the judges was the chick personal trainer from the show The Biggest looser.
She wasn't impressed with my speech.
I went on to say "I'm Loud, express my opinion and I don't care what other people think." I then had a drink off water and it dribbled all down my white top, I look down and there is also a food stain running down my top. I looked like a slob!!!
I didn't care!!! The judge took me away and said "What are you doing???!!!"
"I'm being probably the only honest person in that room!"
"They don't need to hear that!"
"They are all thinking it. I'm just the one who will say it! I say what I mean and I just use tact!"
Again she wasn't impressed, She could see that she wasn't going to get anywhere with me so she left.

That was the end of my dream. I think I dreamt it because I watched the biggest looser before going to sleep last night.
That and maybe that girl was my tack talking and I wasn't using any in my speech.

The dream I had first was bazaar!!!
It wasn't a sex dream but it had potential!! ;)
Just quickly before I go, I made up this guy in my dream out of about 3 or 4 different guys I know! I don't think I've ever done that one before!

This guy had Jacks blue eyes and a goatee but it was thicker then his,
my cousins ex husbands brown hair, my ex boyfriends body, which he was Greek so a bit of body hair, his build but taller so this guy was nearly 6 foot, he had an American accent and I think his name was Troy. Then he got up and out of bed and he changed. His hair turned blonde and he looked like Jacob the American I meet over seas!! He had a bit of Jacks attitude but that faded over time and he became a different person again and was wanting to be with me.I've never made up a person!
It was Jack, my ex Paul,Jacob, I think Elliott for a half a second and I called him Troy - My little sisters boyfriend who I don't particularly like.
What's with this!! Floating china men in the sea... And a guy who in the end did kinda like me.
I'll go into more detail tomorrow. I have to go to work now, but I feel kinda happy because I woke up laughing because in the last dream I had I wouldn't shut up when the judges wanted me to!! I was giving these girls confidence and self worth and the judges didn't think I was doing them favor because I myself stood there looking like a slob!!!! With stains and food down my white top!!
What was I thinking!!!????!!!

One other thing or perhaps another post! te heh!

I do a spell check at the end of the post and just click on a word that looks more right. That's why when I re read the finished product I think - opps - I should change that - nah- they'll get the point.

Another thing!!! I was sooo excited yesterday, I brought yet another pair of boots. Yeah,it's a very superficial thing but considering that I find it hard to find comfortable shoes or boots. But these boots are great. They zip up on the inside loosely lace up at the front and have four buckles on the outside.
I was wrapped when I put them on and they were comfortable.
I then saw a pair of zip up leather boots. I don't have leather ones and they felt good too! So good bye to pay for the day. I brought them but had to put them on Lay away for awhile.

Now I have four pairs of boots, I might throw away the old ones... Who am I kidding I don't think I can.

Another thing.
I sent a text to Ant last night saying how I drank so much and feel sick.
His reply
"Your a very naughty girl, Where are you?"
"At a friends house, about to puke in bucket...Ughhh...U r a fliut,cutthat out...or I puke on u"
"Your so charming!" Blah blah blah

I read that text and thought, oh no. No. I'm not going to have this friendship go into some sort of flirting crap. He's GOT A GIRLFRIEND!!!
HELLO!!!
I don't want another flirt till your girlfriend cracks it and then it's all wired when there was nothing there in the first place!!!

Texting is so easy. Won't name names.
But I remember one night when two people were at a pub - not drunk - texting me.
Now this person I had feelings for and at that stage I didn't know he had a girlfriend.
Even though I'm a Christian and I have morals and values I don't usually bend that night I would of bent those rules.In fact I would of broken them. All of them.
I was so attracted to this person. After about 40 minutes of texting and flirting, I thought hey if he's all into this well - I'll see if he wants to take this futher.
He asked if I wanted to come down and stuff like that.
So I said I would.
silence.
I was thinking that they were wondering if I was serious. I was, but I was wondering if he was.
He changed he's tone and said something like it's late.
I smiled to myself.
Knew it.
God, He totally led me on. For such a long time.
I'm totally over it but I remember that night because I think I would have gone and seen him. I'm not usually like that. I guess I had that one coming.

I don't flirt by text. I prefer to do it in person. Hence I wouldn't do that to Ant or anyone who has a GIRLFRIEND!!!

I like to think if they do that and have a girlfriend, I cut it all right out there.
Except that one who didn't tell me and I found out by another girl, Do I think about him?
Sometimes. I smile. He's done so much for me and my way of thinking, he'll never really know just how much my thinking changed since I met him. So with that I smile.

I love my new boots I've had them on all day.

I feel like my reception work is like my leather boots. Proper, stylish, professional office looking.
I smile - My boots I have on now are like my hairdressing boots. Funky style,extra high chunky heel, a little different - more me.

This was meant to be a small post. I'm just so happy I can talk and talk. Well write.
On Saturdays I feel like this because I really look forward to work so I get all excited and I talk,talk, talk.
About nothing in particular. This man came in on Saturday and wanted a beard trim he was going out to a party that afternoon.
"Would you like me to cut your hair as well?"
(It was a clipper all over but needed to be done)
"Nah, I don't think so"
"Ok"
I go and clipper his beard
I finish - "Oh, hang on I'll just clipper your neck and make it look clean cut"
(The back of his neck, usually done when you cut the hair)
"Oh, Ok - thanks for that, You know that's what makes this place stand out from the other ones"
"What's that?"
"You just go that extra step"
I smile - that's good to hear.
He looked better when he left - I couldn't let him go out with out his neck done - it was really hairy.

I made up another melody today and it's ok.

Last night in my drunken state we were making up songs about stupid men.
It was really funny. Maria was annoyed at her partner and I just thought it was good for a laugh, she said today
"Your very anti men, is that because of your father?"
"Yeah, but more my mum and really all the guys I know I just think I get to know them and 3 out of 4 did have girlfriends and lead me on. So I guess I see that more of to why"

I have no problem with it. There are nice guys I know, there are fantastic guys I know it's just a few that spoil the bunch.
:)))))

Happy days, happy moments and happy memories

My weekend.
In one word, Fun.

Work yesterday was great, we had a small meeting telling us all to pick up our game and be more professional. Point taken and used.

I went to Maria, we had a good night.
We chatted, drank, karoke, drank, played "Josh", sang and danced around with the mic and ended up watching Lord of the rings three and falling asleep in the big comfey arm chair.
I thought I was going to puke. I drank way to much and got drunk. Beer is gross.
I ended up stumbling to bed and sleeping it off.
Not before I sent a few messages and rang a couple of people.
Jay didn't answer - surprise suprise he's turned into a prick lately.
I rang Curly. I got his number off an email he sent but I wasn't sure if it was he's so I thought I'd call and find out.
"Hello, curly speaking"
"Who?"
"Curly - who's this?"
"Oh! Hey Curly it's Kaz! How's things?"
"Kaz! Yeah good ( enter small talk)"
Well it's his number.
I also called Maz. We had a chat, he's great.
Goosey wasn't with him but some others were.
Maria took a picture with my phone of my blue tongue and I sent it to Ant and Jack cos I know they had picture phones.
When I woke up the next morning besides feeling a bit seedy I didn't care that I rang Curly. He's nice. He said to call him today - Nah.
Ant said he'll call me today and organize to meet up. Whatever.
Jay said he'll call today too. Not going to happen.
I text him in reply to his "Sorry I missed your call"
I sent "Yeah. You also missed the party."
I was very annoyed about that, he didn't even call to say I'm not coming instead he told me he'll come and then didn't return my calls,text or anything.
Whatever.

Maria and I went for a trip down memory lane. She brought out the year 12 school video we watched it reminiscing.
I felt like I lost a big part of my year 12 year. I was never there.
I passed - but I passed with enough just to get me through. I turned up to an exam at the wrong time and totally missed it.
I didn't care as it was worth 1/12th of my overall mark for that subject.
I remember thinking I better act concerned - but I wasn't.
My memories of year 12 is beach, roller blading, friends and going out. I got a car half way through the year and I had better options than going to school. I slept in class and came just in time to make the class count.
My best friend Maria got %100 attendance in year 12. I guess we really came close at the end of that year.

At the same time we were talking and I was saying how I felt like I need to go out dancing and go and dance on a few tables or something! Were at the prime of our life! 24!!
I'm single, If I want to do something I can just go and do it.
I kinda live out of my car in summer I do. What I mean is that I keep a towel,roller blades, Body board, change of clothes a couple of pairs of shoes, make up, beach tent and stash of cash usually about $10 or so - just enough to buy a cold drink and petrol if desperate.
Summer is the best.
Today was beautiful. Maria is the same age but has a mortgage, fiancee` and she's settled. The more I thought about it the more happy I got. I love my life. My thoughts went to Bec. She's not hear. She can't live. I feel like I'm so blessed just to be able to live. It can be taken away so quickly.
I feel like in a way I live for her too.
I will always, always remember her.
Things that I do she can't. It's not fair. I want to live. Being happy is part of that. Loving life. I intend to.

I cleaned out my car today,then took it down to the car wash to sit in it and watch it get washed by those big rubber roller things. It scratched my car and left big rubber marks which I then had to clean off myself.

I think of the summer. Days at the beach, driving with the window down smelling the sea and having the wind blow on my face.
I can't wait.
Long summer days without a boyfriend - me being free to do what I want and when I want to. Not having to ask what he wants to do, no guilt because I'm out doing my thing and he's not with me.
Love it.
LOVE IT!!!

Ever showered in front of a mirror? weird. Maria has an almost full length mirror in the bathroom, I can't say I've ever done that before.

I feel great. Even tho over the last three days I have eaten about a weeks worth of food and drink I feel bloated but very happy.

My friend told me she's PREGNANT!!!!! That's sooo exciting!!!! I'm seeing her Tuesday when I go to small group :)

i'm babbeling...

I'm home. I'm in my pajamas and trusty dressing gown. I have polished off a bottle of cough mixture and four packets of cold and Flu tablets. I have also gone through two toilet rolls of paper used as tissues.
I'm still coughing and still on the tablets but I've also added hayfeaver tablets to the list. So I'm feeling quite drugged up.

Works plodding along and I'm still learning but I'm triple checking the door, lights and phone! I remembered the bin too!

I'm not going out on street works tonight, I ended up going to bed at 7.30 last night and asleep by 8.00pm.
Looks like tonight will probably be the same, but my mums coming down she feels bad that I'm sick and alone. Gotta love her! It's her birthday today too!

No news from Steelo. I don't know when he'll check his email...

I've really got nothing interesting to say.
I get up work come home get changed into my PJ's and go to bed. That's pritty much been me for the last two weeks.

I haven't been able to go shopping for food because I'm to tired hence I have no lunch for tomorrow and breakfast is looking very bland.
I'll have to go tomorrow.

I've got frozen corn cobs in the freezer, a can of veg soup and a can of peas and corn. Hmm...yep buying lunch tomorrow.

I feel like expressing how good it feels to be single.
It's wonderful!
I love it, I love the fact that I don't feel the need to have someone in my life to fill the "gap" most people say they have. I don't have a "gap".

Well enough of that, I always mention it :) But I guess it's one thing I really value - independence.

I spoke about this to my mum. We were discussing some other girls we know who feel the need so much for a boyfriend. They to have come from divorced parents, so why am I so anti boyfriend and as much as I am against it they are for it!
They had a close relationship with their fathers, that could be why...
I think, and I've been told that I've got a very mature outlook on life.
That's just my outlook.

This is a very boring post.

Once I get better life will seem more interesting.
Daylight savings comes in at the end of the month, I looove daylight savings.
There's so much more to do.

I'm home. I'm in my pajamas and trusty dressing gown. I have polished off a bottle of cough mixture and four packets of cold and Flu tablets. I have also gone through two toilet rolls of paper used as tissues.
I'm still coughing and still on the tablets but I've also added hayfeaver tablets to the list. So I'm feeling quite drugged up.

Works plodding along and I'm still learning but I'm triple checking the door, lights and phone! I remembered the bin too!

I'm not going out on street works tonight, I ended up going to bed at 7.30 last night and asleep by 8.00pm.
Looks like tonight will probably be the same, but my mums coming down she feels bad that I'm sick and alone. Gotta love her! It's her birthday today too!

No news from Steelo. I don't know when he'll check his email...

I've really got nothing interesting to say.
I get up work come home get changed into my PJ's and go to bed. That's pritty much been me for the last two weeks.

I haven't been able to go shopping for food because I'm to tired hence I have no lunch for tomorrow and breakfast is looking very bland.
I'll have to go tomorrow.

I've got frozen corn cobs in the freezer, a can of veg soup and a can of peas and corn. Hmm...yep buying lunch tomorrow.

I feel like expressing how good it feels to be single.
It's wonderful!
I love it, I love the fact that I don't feel the need to have someone in my life to fill the "gap" most people say they have. I don't have a "gap".

Well enough of that, I always mention it :) But I guess it's one thing I really value - independence.

I spoke about this to my mum. We were discussing some other girls we know who feel the need so much for a boyfriend. They to have come from divorced parents, so why am I so anti boyfriend and as much as I am against it they are for it!
They had a close relationship with their fathers, that could be why...
I think, and I've been told that I've got a very mature outlook on life.
That's just my outlook.

This is a very boring post.

Once I get better life will seem more interesting.
Daylight savings comes in at the end of the month, I looove daylight savings.
There's so much more to do in the day.

I killed a masive spider in my room yesterday. I felt good cos' my first thought was I have to get my brother then I thought no - I can get rid of it - so I killed it.
Everkilled one of them? All their guts squishes everywhere!

This is what I did

Hi Steelo,
I got your text today, I figured I'd write an email to explain more, cost less and yeah.
I've been a bit distant because I feel that maybe you have feelings for me which aren't reciprocated.
I could be wrong, but that's the vibe I get. I didn't want to lead you on in any way at all considering that I don't have the same intentions.
If I'm wrong so be it and if I'm right - it's probably better that we occasionally bump into each other.
cheers
kaz

It's brief, to the point and true.
It's probably really wrong that I've blogged all this but hey it's something that's been going on for awhile and it's the only remotely interesting thing in the relationship side of things in my life right now.

Ooowww! Something exciting! I'm having a girly weekend with my Best friend next weekend! Her fiancee` is going away for the weekend so were going to have a few drinks and I'll stay over. It takes about a hour and 20 min to drive to her house.
We haven't seen each other in four months!

I need to go and sleep.

Oh - what do I do???!!!

I can't believe this!

Steelo. The one person who I thought I wouldn't hear from again - sent me a text today.
"Dear Kaz, I'm some what perplexed about ur silence of late. care 2 give me some insight.steelo."
What???!!!!
I don't get it!!! Of late??? I haven't spoken to him for about four months!!!
I don't answer his calls or return his texts!!! Even then we never had any real sort of friendship!!!!
I don't know what to do. I haven't replied to the text.
I'm thinking about just sending an email. I know he doesn't check them all that often but when he does at least he'll get it eventually.

But what do I say? It's like a break up but we were never together!
I'm really lost for words!!! That's a VERY rare thing for me.

OH...What to say. I felt really bad when I read the message.
I didn't respond to these things because I want him to really not like me. Hey, he can think I'm a bitch, think I'm awful, not caring, mean - anything!! I just need him to get the point!! Now I have to say "Hey your a nice guy but...I feel that you might,maybe feeling more for me then you should" ... What if I put it all to me.
Something like " I'm too wrapped up in myself to think about anyone besides me at this point in my life, I just can't think of anything besides me"

If that won't turn him off, I don't know what will.

Ok I'm going to go write this email.
Keep it reasonably short and to the point.

I'm missing out on so much being sick!!!

I've tried to up load up a video image. Surprise,surprise it won't do it.

I fell asleep at 6.30 last night, I thought I would just have a quick nap for 20 or so min.
Three hours later... My cousin called and we talked for awhile.
I couldn't get back to sleep till 3.30!
I woke up early.
8am on a Sunday!

I feel like having a shower,washing my hair cleaning my room and giving everything a real clean.
Not going to happen, I'm finding it hard to comprehend the effort it would take just to go and shower!
Oh well, I hope I feel a bit better by tomorrow...

I did something so - well.
Ok here's the thing.
The other night I walked out of the office Didn't lock the door! Didn't turn off the lights and didn't divert the phones.
I found out the next morning when one of the Assistants told me.
I got spoken to about it.
What could I say???
I wasn't the last one out the door?! I diverted the phones but it was on the wrong line??!
See in hairdressing it's a team thing. You help each other out. The floor needs to be swept, you sweep it.
Bowels in the sink? You clean them.
Are you running late? I'm free I'll do this.
We all use to walk out together and three people would say is the door locked, lights off, hot water off, kettle off. We use to stand there and all do a quick verbal check and who ever did it would say yes.
Last one out would lock the door.
So the manager says "What happened?"
Do I pass the buck and say well, you were the last one out?
You were on line two when I dirverted the phones? You were still on the phone so I figured you would re dirvert them when you got off??
you were the last one out you should of turned off the lights? If I had turned them off it would be dark and she was still on the phone???
What do I say? Nothing.
"Look, I know. It's inexcusable, I feel really bad, I don't know what else to say.
It won't happen again."
Two days later I'm told y my mum and other hairdresser co workers - "That's grounds for instant dismissal."
I felt bad. Nothing was taken (Thank God) but I wonder if that did run through her head.
I don't like to pass the buck. If there's something to be done you do it, if it wasn't done it doesn't matter who's "fault" it is, if there's a problem and you see it - fix it. Don't ask questions. Questions don't fix things.
In an office - well this one, It's me and them.
I don't even know when people are in the building!
I walk in and say good morning to who ever's there usually one maybe two people. They reply that's ok, but then the others just walk in to my office check the message book which is right next to me and it's like I may as well be invisible!
Nothing! No Hi, Morning - nothing!
So I was told that the door, lights and phones are my job.
I kinda thought, so that's the team and I am the receptionist. I have my work and they have their's.
How am I going to go tomorrow? I've been coughing and spluttering and now my voice is almost gone.
It's real husky and breaks off mid sentence!
I'll just keep plodding along and doing my thing.

I think these people would be nice out of work and really quite nice people.
The accountant is really nice but she's on holidays for three weeks.

Moving on to nicer things.

Last night at three am I got out Josh and played. It's nice not to be able to see where your fingers are on the freats and still be able to play and make a few nice tunes.

I'm going out and playing more now.
It's so relaxing.

Not again !!!

My lips are pursed.

I was talking to my colleagues at hairdressing today.
I mean I know when someone steps over the line. I'm just making sure.
So hear it is.
I sang and played the guitar with Maz the other night (being about two weeks ago now)
It was good - nothing in it.
We are organizing to get together and do it again. In the mean time Elliott had been a bit on the teasing side, you know, Making it look like all the girls want a piece of him. He's got a girlfriend and Maz said don't say that Kat will hear. Or something along those lines.
Elliott told me this. I thought, Hang on. There's nothing in it and nothing to hide.
So in front of his girlfriend I said "Let's make another time"
"Yeah, I've got more stuff to show you"
So obviously I wanted her to know because I don't want her to think the wrong thing.
Hey, if she wants she can join in!
The more the merrier!
Anyway I sent him an email trying to get a time (I was at work and thought I'd quickly just do it, Other wise I would of just called)
I signed off with "Ciao kaz".
Now he's Italian.
He replied with "Ciao Bella" For those who don't understand Italian, (Bella means girl), I smile it's a different way to start an email.
So, I day or two later I get a text, starting with "Hey gorgeous".
This is my point.
Would I like my boyfriend (if I had one) to send that message to another girl who he was going to be meeting up with and having a good night with. Regardless with or with out a guitar?
I asked the others what they thought.
They agreed. He stepped over the line.
Deb was saying how she was on the internet chat room and that caused a few arguments in the past relationship.
Now I have NEVER chatted on line besides when I was 16 and it was all new to me so I pretended to be a guy...But that was for all of what - 15 minutes- if that.
I'm not into that sort of thing. My last boyfriend didn't own a computer or mobile phone so it was never an issue.
I rarely used mine.
If I had a boyfriend I wouldn't like him texting other girls and sending emails overseas to someone he met over the net. Let me clear that up. She got photos sent to her of these guys and they were obvioulsy emailing with more of an intention.
That said I wouldn't do it if I was in a meaningful relationship.
Maz has been with Kat for six months.
I shake my head, This seems to always happen. I get these guys showing interest flirting with me, texting - and what. They all have girlfriends.
Ok let's say out of four where it could have gone futher - threehad girlfriends.
I'm not into that. Makes them look bad to me because hey, dude - do it to them and you'll do it to the next one you come along too!
I shake my head.
Deb asked "Do you like anyone?"
"No, no one makes my heart go thump, oh, hang on a couple of days ago it did. I looked at him it went thump thump then just as quick it stopped, deflated that was about it. He's got a girlfriend."
(Yeah,He has sex appeal.)
I've so got off my point.
My point being that Maz stepped over that line and next time he sends me anything of that sort of message I'll just mention he's girlfriend. That seems to bring them back to earth quick enough.

Right now I'm sitting in my over sized dressing gown which my mum brought me cos I kept taking hers when I went to visit, my moccos(Aussie slang)and knee length socks.
I'm taking a fleeting interest in the AFL semi finals.
I slept for 9 hours last night and I'm just trying to get over this bug of some sort.

I played "Josh" abit last night.
I've got another melody - almost.
That's always fun.

I'm spending the whole weekend resting up, I hate being sick.

The cough,runny eyes, stuffy nose and all my emotions

I can't believe it. I'm sick again. Well, maybe I just didn't get over the last one fully. I've only got a cough but it's enough to make me feel all a bit stuffy. I think it's also hayfeaver.

I'm emotional.

Today my boss sat me down.
"How are you enjoying it hear?"
"Yeah, It's going well, I just don't know how I'm going because I have no one to really compare to, to see if what I'm doing is right"

Blah,blah, blah I can't be bothered going into it. This was just going to be a short blog.
In the end I had a better afternoon. I have to speak louder and clearer.

One thing thing that she said was "I don't think it's a confidence thing, I saw you the other night"
I half smile, teh heh. I get that.
Yesterday the Assistant Property manager was out for the day at a learning thing for all Assistants or something and the guy who ran it asked her where she was form or something - he made the connection that we worked together - remembered me from the
night before at the Networking work do and mentioned that I was a nice chatty girl or something like that.

I was feeling good that night and spoke to everyone but the people I work with as they all left early except one then I looked for her and she had left too.
So this afternoon was better.

I spoke to Thea the other night, I felt bad I didn't completely fill her in on my Saturday night. Ummm.... I just feel like it's no big deal.
Nothing much to tell. As you could see.

"Josh" is getting a bit neglected, but I still play most nights.

I woke up with a really good song in my head this morning so I wrote down a few lines. I was singing it in my sleep then woke up with it in my head.

I wish I could have seen Mr Philosopher perform tonight.
I forgot all about it and also not feeling 100%

Rock on

I feel unsettled because of last night.

Well - my Saturday took an unexpected turn.
I didn't end up going to the CD launch. I would of had to drive for an hour and a half to get there and I've pritty much run out of petrol and money.
We had a bon fire, music and alcohol.
I haven't been drunk for soooooo long because I couldn't afford it and I was usually driver.
I ended up staying the night. Ohhhh....
I felt like a heartless bitch last night.
I think because I truly don't want a boyfriend of any sort it's just great being able just to be myself and have fun.
One conversation I had with Aussie was about relationships.
"I just don't want to be tied down - I'm to young" (he just broke up with his girlfriend. He's 21 she was 20)
"I wish all guys thought like you"
Then we went on to discuss the positives of being single. And there's heaps.
"I don't actually want anyone, if someone asked me out I'd say no. I'm really just not interested."
"Really? What about one night stands?"
"NO, I'm not into that sort of thing at all. I mean I'll kiss someone and it won't mean anything right now, flirt and you know that sort of stuff but I don't want anything else. No thinking about another person, no answering to another person, doing what you want. I'm loving just being single and just being me"
"Yep, me too. Just being able to do what ever you want to do. So if someone wanted to kiss you, it would mean nothing?"
"Yeah, Nothing"
He smiles his drunken smile "I'm not going to kiss you"
I laughed "good"

Oh, Elliott.... I think we are on the same wave length. I think...

Right now Bluey (Elliotts younger brother) is sleeping off the vast amount of alcohol he drunk ALL yesterday, last night AND this morning till about 8am. He was a right mess. NEVER again will I ever want to see him in that state. I had to scrape him up off the ground three times, bring him down for breakfast, help him to wash his hands, run his burnt hand under cold water as he burnt himself on the BBQ getting breakfast he stumbled around for awhile before he got changed into his bed shorts then came out impersonating Mr Bean or someone by pulling his shorts up around his chest, did that for awhile and I had to put him to bed.
I tucked him in,
"I'll lll beee oout in a minnute" he slured
I inspected the damage he has down to himself burnt hand, blood nose ( fell over flat on his face - blood everywhere) infected finger (from work) and he looked a mess.
"No, you can stay hear and go to sleep."
I sat with him for a minute or two. Looking at his wounds.
He was fast asleep about 1 minute after I shut the door to the room.

That was just way too drunk and I hate it how his "friends" tell him to do stupid things like "Lick your hands" - They were COVERED in BLOOD and MUD! Gross.
It just got past amusing.

All in all I had a good night not much sleep...
About two hours. On and off.
I woke up with an uneasy feeling in my stomach today. It was regret, guilt and a little unsettling.`I guess living up to your own morals is easier said then done.
I didn't do anything bad as such... I just felt unsettled. Persistence doesn't always pay off. Sometimes it's unsettling.


But that aside I had a good night. I ended up staying because it got too late and I was just to tired to go and drive all the way out to the other side of the city. I got drunk and felt kinda seedy. Ugh.
I think everyone had a good time.

Hears a thing NEVER UNDERESTIMATE INDEPENDENCE IN AND OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!

Hey it's Friday !!!

Wow! It's been almost a week since my last post.
I wasn't going to go into great detail but - what the hey!

Today was the first day I started to feel better. I was sick and then Hayfeaver/ish.
I looked like crap and starting my new job feeling under the weather a bit but that didn't really phase me.
Works good. We are ALL female. :) I like that aspect.

I have a work function on Monday night. I think there will be 3 or 4 offices maybe even 5. SO that's around 60 people. It's a get to know everyone night.
Should be good. I don't get a chance to really talk to the others socially because I'm really busy.
That's why I haven't picked up my computer for almost a week. I got over it.
I didn't want to come home from work just to switch on another computer and sit in front of it. Why is tonight different? It's the weekend.
I've caught up on my emails and stuff and now I'm just going to spend time with "Josh" chill and relax. I have been soooo busy that I haven't even had time to spend with him!!! Now that's saying something and I miss it.

How childish is this. I text Elliott and asked him if Maz was going to Blue's birthday Saturday night. He didn't reply. Yet I get an email from Thea asking If I liked Maz?!!!? Whatever. Why can't I just enjoy spending time with someone for what it's worth!??!!! Without having to look into it! He has a girlfriend. I'm not interested.
I'm not interested in anyone. Really. I don't like anyone and if someone asked me out I'd say no - simply because I don't want to.
This past week has been great. I'm learning heaps in my job, I've got an income(!!!!),feeling independent and I'm starting to feel like myself again and I'm happy.
I want to enjoy this.

I went out to street works on Wednesday and it was the best night I've had for ages.
I was captain of the team and the team was fantastic! HUGE! 16 people but it was great.

I think because I sit down most of the day and I'm not use to it, I get home and for the rest of the night I clean, and dance around the house with the radio blasting and me singing along.
The weather has been warm and windy. I love it when it's like that.

I'm very plain at work. I had to reduce my jewelry, tame my hair and buy new clothes. Make sure I speak without slang ie. How's - how is and I've invested in high heels.
Hence the first thing I do when I finish work is take off my jacket, shirt and shoes - and that's when I get in the car!!

Otherwise it's the first thing I do when I get home and I throw on my trusty jamies, which is just my old,old trackkies and jumper, Unless I'm going out.

Well. That's been my week. It's felt soooo busy!!! I love it!
My weekend is about the same.
I have two things on tomorrow night. Blue's birthday then a cd launch of Samuals band.
Sunday? Don't know. Grass needs to be cut....

I guess Steelos back in town. He's been calling. Blah on that one. WHAT do I DO???
I guess he'll be there on Saturday too.

It'll be good to see bluey(blue eyes) again on Saturday night.
Well, I better go cos I want to go and see "Josh"

Final post for today!!!

Ok, so my day has been on and off the computer.
I just finished my second completed song.
I don't intend to write about death and dark stuff it kinda just happens.
I actually wanted to write about love - it started off with the love intention but I felt like it had to turn into this.

Life without you

The winters cold without you
The sun don't shine without you

Everything I say I say to you
Every breath I take I take for you

I wonder why you let go of life
Why you held my hand all so tight

Then I saw you fall
I saw you fall
from life

And I...Saw forever in your eyes
Grey skys clouded views in your life

I look and see your not there
My heart is breaking with despair
I'm thinking life's just not fair
without you
without you

And I... Always thought the world of you
Life seemed crystal blue in your eyes



It of course sounds better when I play my guitar to it, But ya get the drift.
At least I finished off my song.

I think I need to warm up my stone cold heart.
It's feeling a tad cold.
Merlot should do it ;)

El natural

More Random quiz things

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people. You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together. Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly. People crave your praise and complements.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Random

I'm passing the day ok! Still sick!

bgcolor="#CDDEFF" align=center>You Are Likely a Third Born

At your darkest moments, you feel vulnerable. At work and school, you do best when you're comparing things. When you love someone, you tend to like to please them. In friendship, you are loyal to one person. Your ideal careers are: sales, police officer, newspaper reporter, inventor, poet, and animal trainer. You will leave your mark on the world with inventions, poetry, and inspiration.

The Birth Order Predictor

Maybe....maybe not

Te heh he....

You Are an Appletini

Most of the time, you're a typical party girl / guy. But when you get super sauced, you really up your sex appeal.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

My 2.38 average

Well, being sick, yesterday I couldn't keep myself awake and slept through the first vet appointment. I wake up when I should have been there. I took her down for a later appointment. I was in bed at 7,30 and asleep by 8. I had the worst nightmares. I dreamt that a pit bull jumped the back fence and mauled the puppy! I was screaming and crying cos the puppy was a cute, happy little thing. Then another little puppy walked out from around the corner and I again screamed at it because the pit bull saw it and was going to get it.
I think I was actually crying because I then woke up and had that wet eye bad feeling inside. Stupid, especially considering that those neighbor's don't actually own dogs.

I didn't go out to the 21st tonight.
Which is for the best cos I don't want to snotty and cough near anyone!

My brothers got a girlfriend. I'm cautious. She sounds...hmmm. Not sure.

Today I got a bonus from work.(hairdressing) Yea!
It was given to the person who got the highest clientele per hour for the month. Sometimes it's quiet other times it's hectic.
I didn't care for the money I already knew that if I was to win I would split it three ways with the others.
I just like the fact that I worked my butt off and they knew it,But in saying that I know the others did too.
It's a lot of fun.
I had a few good conversations today, one of which was with this old guy and he was really nice chatting to him. We talked about new job insecurities. Made me feel better.

Thanks to my blogging buddies who care, Cheers.

BAD DAY.

I'm tired.
I've got self doubt.
I'm sick.
I've got a headache.
Go to bed, you say.
I can't.
Why?
My cat got in a fight and I have to keep myself awake until 3, I have to take her to the vets.
No money.
Vet costs lots of money.
Feeling like crap.
someone's at the door... People asking for donations. Maybe that's what I should do.
Anyone want to donate to "Girl needing money for F***EN cat bills, Medication cos' she's sick, Just give her money because she's asking for it, guaranteed she'll use it for a worthy cause!"
I'll go around with a pen and paper and kindly explain that it's not a tax deduction because she spent the last three months living of your tax money anyway. This is just a hoax to get money.
But hey she paid tax money too!

I think I have to go through the process of elimination. What's giving me the s**TS?

I think I know what it is.
I went to the office today. It looks like a nice place to work. I've never worked in an office before. It's a little daunting.
The computer looks a little daunting.
I feel frump because I'm sick.
I'm not going away this weekend for the 21st, cos' I'm sick.
I just want to go and sleep.
I'm awful when I'm tired.
I'm a little stressed about starting work.

I want to be understood but hey,
Who Fu**en cares.

Career start...

Yes, I got the job!
Yea me! Ok, hears the deal. I don't get excited and call everyone and tell everyone. I really want to see how it goes. I can say that I want to stay because Matt gave me a high recommendation so I want to stay for his sake. I'll give it my best shot and after three or so months I can settle down a bit. I guess I don't want to get my hopes up in case it doesn't work for some reason.
Oh Thank GOD! Now I don't have to go to that stupid job seekers place!
I can earn money, No Saturday work for now and even if eventually I do it's only once a month so that means that I can continue to work as a hairdresser on a Saturday and enjoy that aspect of it.
In the interview because there was so many of us we had to interview each other.
I interviewed a 20 year old girl, I got a fair amount of information out of her then she had to interview me.
When that was done we had to stand up in front of everyone and tell everyone about the person you interviewed.
"OK, I'm sorry We don't usually conduct interviews this way, but because there's so many of you... Who wants to go first?" A second pause
"I will" - I wanted to get it over with.
I had done this type of thing before. In London in front of heaps more people and it decided what ship we were to go on.
So I introduced my self and gave a speerl about the chic, then sat down.
The man who owned the business said
"I didn't know you could get so much information in that amount of time!"
I smile " That's because I'm a good listener" - got a laugh from everyone.
When I was in the second round interview, it was very comfortable.
" I'll be straight to the point with you"
"Please do" - I was hoping that she wasn't going to say anything about my lack of skills hairdressing etc.
" We have spoken to Matt and we know that you want to get into property management.
This is a reception role - We think you may want to move on sooner then later"
I was surprised " I think that working in reception will give me a better idea of how property management works and I'm looking for a career change so I look at this to be the best start -" blah blah blah
Questions were asked and I asked questions.
One girl was looking what seemed to be at my feet. I had blue socks on. Well dark navy but when I crossed my legs my pants showed a blue sock under black pants.
I pulled my trouser leg down "Yes, I've got blue socks (they laugh)I didn't think you could see them!"(I laugh)
Man who owns the shop "Guess what?"
"What?"
"I have blue socks on too!"
(All laugh) It was a good breaker and on paper may look inappropriate but in the actual interview it was fine.

So now I just have to get better and be right for Tuesday. I don't think I'll be going away for this 21st on the weekend. Priorities.
I don't want to get more sick then I already am.
I start work on Tuesday 9 till 5.30 Mon - Fri.

Last night I kept waking up. I had a bazzar dream about Prince Harry. I always have this dream. We go out and it becomes serious then the queen doesn't want me cos I'm on from good breeding, He wants to be with me and we run away together. Only the newspaper reporters would always follow and scrutinize the relationship.
Stupid dream but so recurring.