Birthday in review

My birthday turned out to be quite good. I got season two and three of my M*A*S*H (Which I will be watching tonight) and an alarm clock I needed.
My father paid off the Government debt and my brother got me a bonsi fake tree thing, a inside water fountain thing and my name in Japanese…..
He tends to think o what he would like rather then what the person he his buying for would like. His always done that. I hate all that Japanese writing and needless to say the water thing has taken place in the lounge room where he likes it and it sounds like a very annoying dripping tap. I’d say it’s the thought that counts but he just wanted it all for himself.
Work was good. A quiet day and I decorated my desk/office and kitchen with balloons and a sign saying "HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!" I brought in frozen yoghurt,dates, apricot delight things (which I don't eat) and yoghurt frogs.
No Birthday song - Thank God! Addmittly I'm one for attention when I want it but I've always hated the song. I can be in a group of people and be the loudest most attention seeking person but sing happy birthday, win a prize (door prize etc) and I freak out and get soooooo embaressed!
After work I went to Mk's got my scissors (for a hair cut today)and went to the second hand shop and brought a new outfit,jeans and a poetry book all for under
$25! Bargin!

We then went out for dinner.Nice.

I was just tired and emotional. I thought about Eve. He told me that it went well and had a good outcome.
I think now he just wants to get on with his life – without me.
I understand.
I hope he gets what he wants and has all the love in his life that he desires.
Yeah.
He probably wants to forget about me. Move on in his life with a new, clean slate.
Forget about me.
Sigh.
Yeah.

Me –well I guess I’ll just go on being me. 25 years old and just being me.
I’m off to bed to watch M*A*S*H, play my guitar and read my books.

Tomorrows a big day...

I rang the night shift guy “Owl” at work last night. I awoke feeling really sick at 1.10am
I asked him to call me in case me alarm didn’t go off or I turned it off without realising. So he did and I went to work only to come home three hours later.
I think I ate something a little wrong the night before.
I felt sooo guilty leaving because they were understaffed but then I figured I
A) Can’t push myself or I risk getting really sick.
B) Them being understaffed shouldn’t end with me. They can pull together for a day and get through it.
I was still going to go to Mk’s but I rang and asked if the other “deb2” could stay on and she could, so I went two sleep and now hear I am.

I’m not feeling guilty because I do feel sick.

Tomorrows my Birthday! Happy Birthday to me!!!

I got a box of chocolates and a card today from “Owl” today, which is a really nice thought.
I didn’t expect anything maybe an apple but chocolates are a nice thought.
He said he was going to buy apples but thought nah can't do that - Funny thing is i'd eat the apples but the thought means so much more to me :))
When I get Chocolates I tend to give them away. I don’t eat lollies, chocolates or deep fried food or fast food. I don’t like it. I'll share them around tomorrow.

Tomorrow I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to do anything for my birthday.
Brother is starting to cause trouble again. “Ring father, Ring father” Like a two year old!
For my birthday I’d just like to spend it alone.
If mum came down she and Brother would argue an I’m already dreading brothers yearly dam arguments about “Call father!!! Call father!!!” I’d rather have him stay out of my life. Just stay out of it. We have said our peace and that feels better but now I can accept it and I’d just like him to stay out of every aspect of my life. My choice.
My birthday is just going to equal arguments.
I would just prefer to lie in my bed and watch M*A*S*H
I’m off to do that now. See my non-existent social life.
I’d like to have gone out tonight and seen Mr Philosopher tonight – I still may if I get more sleep. Just to give him a promised video I took ages ago.
He’s a sweet guy.

Breath In – tomorrows Eves hearing. God I pray that it all works out or him. Breath out.
I feel anxious for him.
Trust in God and he will work it out.
I don’t know If I should message him – I know I will and I’ll keep praying for him.
It’s what I can do.

Is it ironic that I’m a Christian that is praying for a man to get through tomorrow, praying for him and I’ve slept with him many a times. Praying after doing things that we shouldn’t of – yet I pray for him whole heartedly and God will listen.
I guess that’s why he’s so forgiving.

This isn’t preaching – It’s just how I feel and what I’m doing.

Time to go.

Old Friends

I Blog to much.

That said. – An old male friend of mine wants to catch up talk and drink.
That’s good but he’s got a girlfriend.3 years or something like that. He was one of my best friends in my teenage years.
We grew apart but always kept in touch. He declared his love for me when we were 15 or 16 but I said no. So we stayed friends.
The last time I saw him was in Feb when he gave me a massage which he has done before but this time was different. I felt a little – wrong.
He massaged my neck and back - that was fine but then he got me to sit up – ok – then he turned me around. This is where it became “funny” I was now sitting in my bra facing him. I was soooo tired and felt sick and sore. Little did I know at that time I had Glandular Fever ragging through my body. I trusted him until that point. That was so wrong. His Girlfriend was at work and it all just felt wrong.
I pulled up the towel and he said “kaz, were old friends”
I haven’t seen him since then. We just dropped contact again.
I felt wrong. Annoyed/angry at him for doing so. I couldn’t believe that I trusted him and I fele really sick.
I don’t know. He didn’t mention his girlfriend in his email. I made a point of asking about her.
Sigh.
Why??? Why??? Why???

Eve hasn’t contacted me. That’s probably over now. Sigh.
I pray for him and his situation.
I care about him. I wish I didn’t.

I have to go to bed.

The Meds...

Tired, tired, tired.
I’m going back on Medication n which will screw with my body but there’s nothing else I can do.
I hate it but there’s no other option. I’ve tried to stay off it and it’s only been 2 maybe three weeks and the dermatitis has flared back up on my skin.
Tried the natural thing but nothing works.
Look at the bright side – skin will clear up and no more raging hormones once a month and will stop me from getting as tired as I do sometimes.
I don’t want to do it!!!!!
I want the hormones! I want to feel “normal”. I love the breast tenderness - to a point.
That’s life I guess.
It will stop me from getting bloated too.

Do I have to be on this crap forever??
Humple.

I need sleep again.

It's all about being Female!

My boobs are sore and partially swollen (which would work in my favor if they weren’t so tender to touch!)
I’m all bloated.
My stomach is churning and threatens to show me my dinner whilst burning my throat.
I could be happy one minute and sad the next.
Swelling, thumping pain swirls around pelvis all the time reminding me that this is all part of being a woman.
Remembering dates and times is really just a pain in the ass.

Lumps and bumps appear in places in which I didn’t realise could – I’m ditching the car now and walking short journeys.
Eve went to the Gym for a week and dropped a noticeable amount of weight.
He has sex appeal regardless of weight but I think he feels better cos he was talking about it.
I on the other hand I need to pick up my game. I hate the cold but I just have to go straight after work rather then doing other things.
I’m not to worried yet.

My birthday is 4 days away - I get to pay less on my insurance and enter the mid 20’s.
Mon mentioned that we have known each other or 12 years!
It’s great to have a past like that and be able to call them family :))

It's all about being Female!

My boobs are sore and partially swollen (which would work in my favor if they weren’t so tender to touch!)
I’m all bloated.
My stomach is churning and threatens to show me my dinner whilst burning my throat.
I could be happy one minute and sad the next.
Swelling, thumping pain swirls around pelvis all the time reminding me that this is all part of being a woman.
Remembering dates and times is really just a pain in the ass.

Lumps and bumps appear in places in which I didn’t realise could – I’m ditching the car now and walking short journeys.
Eve went to the Gym for a week and dropped a noticeable amount of weight.
He has sex appeal regardless of weight but I think he feels better cos he was talking about it.
I on the other hand I need to pick up my game. I hate the cold but I just have to go straight after work rather then doing other things.
I’m not to worried yet.

My birthday is 4 days away - I get to pay less on my insurance and enter the mid 20’s.
Mon mentioned that we have known each other or 12 years!
It’s great to have a past like that and be able to call them family :))

Out of sight out of mind

I felt in a better mood today.
Work was really frustrating but I like Thursday and Friday mornings, Two guys are on with me or the first hour and a half / two hours and they are really nice and we talk while we work.

I’m feeling better about the whole Eve situation. I didn’t think of him much today.
Out of sight out of mind. Yeeah. Well – almost.

Anyway – my birthdays soon, I like the lead up to it :)

I’m feeling the pinch o the budgeting but it’s ok.

The song Eve inspired is finished/ scratchy finished. I always come up with a better sound/word/melody. But I’ll post what it is now in the next few days

Looking up

Well, I’m in a better mood today. You know when things start to look up again.
I had a meaningful shed of tears for Eve last night. It’s part of the letting go process.
I needed to, I was obviously getting too involved.
Knowing that he’s wiping me out of his life makes it easier or me to as well – to a point.

It’s my birthday one week from today :))
( It’s a big/worry/stress day or Eve with a lot of his issues coming to a head but I’m trying to forget about that - as he will forget about me. I just pray or him)
I’m telling everyone at work and giving myself a party – at work.
Just something small – a card, balloons…streamers….signs in the kitchen…. Yoghurt frogs (cos I don’t eat cake) and pumpkin soup – oh and work place emails – just so everyone knows :))
I was considering about leaving a stick it note on everyone’s computers too but I thought that would be a little too much - ;) hehehehehee
How unlike me….;))
Hmmm - attention seeking some might say – yes it is but being that it’s my birthday then, yes – I’ll have all the attention ya got! :))
25!!!!

Time or my nap.

Thoughts...

Every time I thought about Eve today I quickly tried to change the subject.
I was really tired at work today. I was told off by a staff member over the phone.
I didn’t care. Whatever.

I’m extremely bloated and swollen - everywhere. Yeah – I’m gaining unneeded “warmth” but I press my finger into my leg and I put an indent in my leg that lasts or a few seconds. I think it’s rice/ carbs that does it. My naturopath told me once before not to eat the stuff but yeah – I guess I better listen again.

I’m officially giving up “street works”. I haven’t been since I got sick and now I can’t really go out at night. So I’m looking into other avenues. There was the “Big sister little Sister” programs but I thought that I’d end up getting to involved.
Then I saw this thing at my church something similar but it’s with kids who come from broken homes or something and are struggling. Kids aged between 5 and 9 years old. That would suit me more.
I did street works for two and a half years. I loved it and met some great, life changing people.
Now I just have to change a few things due to work and the hours I’m able to stay awake!
…
I better go… A thought has entered my mind lately… I guess the thought will be lingering around for the next two or so weeks….. I hope it it’s just a thought…..

Moving out???

WOW!
I spoke to Deb today and turns out that Mk will be moving out of his house!
I knew it would eventually happen but she said within 4 to 8 weeks!
What does this mean? I could take over the lease on the house!
This is good and not so good – but if it happens, I want to take it over or about six months. Just so I can get away and feel happy. I’ll be by myself – but I don’t care. As long as I’m away from brother – I don’t care.
That’s if it all happens. They could always change their minds.

I’m reassessing what I want to do in life – short term. Maybe a holiday rather then months away on end…

I’d be further away from work, Eve, church but I’d have my own place, sanity and closer to Mon. It’s only six months or so.

I was tired today. Cutting myself off from Eve – He doesn’t really want me. Besides or sex…. Then again I really don’t know. What I think I do know is, I highly doubt he will contact me again. I really don’t think he will.
I just think he’s over it. He’s got a lot of worries with his ex at the moment – I’d just add to his problems.
I feel like no one really wants me. I hate my ex for saying that “one person will always love the other more – that’s how it is”
Do you agree??
This comment killed a part of me – now I just think no one will ever really love me.
Me. This puts a rock in my throat and my jaw tightens.
This will make me cry.
I want to cut Eve off. He won’t ever really feel for me.
I don’t know :(

I’m not looking for complements. This is just how I feel right now.

Enough already!

Who’s getting sick about hearing about Eve?
Me. I’m getting sick about writing about him.

I need a life. I need more energy, more money and more time.

I took Damon for a walk today and we spent the whole day together. He gets funny ater awhile. He wants to be glued to my side and starts crying if I say no lie on the floor! He's very cute and he gets over it.

Australia plays Brazil tonight 1am. I don’t get to see it but I hope we win.
I’m going to bed, to read my Christian book and not think of Eve.

It's a true HATE.

I’m feeling – like … Arrr.
Hmmm – Gareth and Eve came in at different times. I gave no indication to Gareth about anything. Nothing. No way do I want to say anything to create any sort of thought. I treated him like any other client.
Eve came in quite awhile later – everyone had gone home and I stayed back to cut and colour his hair. It looked really good.
Mk left me the key so I could lock up. I really love working there.


I feel like crap. My stomach is tight, my jaw in clenched (and has been for ages.)
I'm feeling tense. Tied. Angry. Tired. Sigh.
I hate my brother. Really – I do. He just is at me all the time, put downs, swearing – don’t get me wrong I stand up for myself! I give it back but I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m almost 25 YEARS OLD!!!!!!! HE’S NEARLY 27!!!!!! I HATE HIM!!!!!!!! GROW UP!!!!
He goes on like nothing happened literally 2or three minutes later. I can’t do that!!!
I FUME!!!! Really I FUME!!!! How DARE HE SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!!!!
AND ALL FOR WHAT!!!??? BECAUSE I WOULDN’T LET HIM USE MY BACKPACK TO TAKE TO WORK!!!!!! (Why wouldn’t I let him use it?? Because it’s my backpackers backpack. It’s huge – and he does not need it when he has hi own normal one!!!!) This is SOOOOOO very childish but I don’t want him using anything of mine regardless – He treat me like shit – so isn’t it obvious?!! I can’t stand to be around him?? I don’t even want to talk to him!!!! He YELLS at me all the God dam time and I’m sick of it!!!
I hate the person I am when he’s around me! I HATE HIM!!!!! HATE HATE HATE.
Sigh. I’m going to bed I want to get away from him.


I want to cry. I want to be held. I really want to cry.
I can’t.
I hate this.
Sigh. I wish I could move out and get my own place.
God willing – but now I’m close to work so in that respect it’s good.
Sigh.

Retail Therapy part two

I’ve been in a good mood today. It’s funny I feel so very hyperactive. I bounce around in my chair at work and say stupid things. Mostly not intentional.
Although I say this because I had a good day at work – I feel like I could cry.
Why?
I asked him how he was and he said that he was emotional (due to dare I say it…depression drugs)
God I hope he never stumbles across this blog.
I felt like giving him a hug. A pang went off inside me. Then it turned into a guided feeling. Like I tried to block him out.
This is because of my Ex George. From so long ago. Four years but he took me for a roller coaster ride and I became a mess because I loved him so much I went through every feeling with him. Every up and down. I loved him unconditionally.
I loved him.
Jasper a guy at work I was talking to and he said "if you know what you’re getting yourself into with Eve then it’s your choice."
It made me remember the past. I got so screwed up and around. I was chewed up and spat out. Even tho I ended it and he didn’t want me to – a part of me didn’t want to but I mean he got into rec drugs. Speed, ecstasy, cocaine – mixing them with anti depressants and alcohol then not taking the anti depressants for a week or so then loading himself up on them the following week because he “missed out”.
Sigh.
Irresponsible.
I had to leave – I didn’t want him to tear me down with him – as Jasper also said, you can’t not give Eve the chance just because of your bad experience with George.
I feel for Eve. I was thinking today about the way he touched me, wanted me the way we… “Made love” – it did and still does now just thinking about it…. The before during and after was beautiful. For him to be sad I feel myself feeling sad for him.

I saw a heavily pregnant woman at the park today and she looked extremely uncomfortable (had 3 weeks to go) and she needed to pee. I felt sorry for her! Sore back, can’t do anything simple like get out of bed easily! Boy, did she look uncomfortable – I thought she would drop the baby tonight or tomorrow!

So getting back to it, I feel happy yet I feel like I long to see Eve and hug him and talk to him.
I hope he still comes in tomorrow ….

I did the Retail Therapy today. Those two tops were still there and I had just enough money for them both :))

I’m tired. I better go to bed.
I’m cold.
I hate winter.
My birthday is in 13 days.
My car needs to be serviced.
I like my tops. Will look nice with skirt and boots.

I think I’m enjoying being me at the moment.

I saw the movie “The break up” What a stupid, waste of time that was. No it’s not a comedy. I found it quite disturbing and was going to walk out of it. I only stayed because I thought it would have a good ending – it didn’t. It made me walk out feeling like I had had been arguing and in a fight. Rather just have watched it!!!
I HATE ARGUMENTS!!!!! And people putting other people down or making the other person feel like crap. I really HATE it!!!!! The whole movie was based about that. It sucked really.
Not a nice movie at all.

Goodnight

What a co-winkii-dink

I had a good day yesterday - great clients at the shop and managed to fill lots of shifts.
Today wasn't so great but that's how it is.

Eve and Gareth are both comming in for haircuts on Saturday.
Gareth text me and asked if I would be uncomfortable if he came and got his haircut.
I said "no, not at all - What time are you thinking about comming in?"
"Don't know"
LOL!!! I have to see the funny side because Eve called me today after a haircut and I told him to come in around 1.45pm and I'll stay back to cut his hair.
So I kinda wanted to know if Gareth was comming in early or later...
Now this isn't a problem. I've never been "going out" or "together" with Eve.
I went out with Gareth when I thought Eve really wasn't going to contact me. When I thought that was the end of it.
See so I've done nothing wrong - I haven't.... Have I?

I just hope Gareth comes in the morning....

I'm going shopping tomorrow!!!! I really hope that white shirt and top are still there!!!

I need the pick me up - especially after today.

Retail Therapy - Looking forward to Thursday!

I went and saw X Men tonight and I must say I wish I could have a little Hugh Jackman ;)
I was the only one in the theatre and it was bliss, I liked going to the movies alone – I’m going to do it again.

I have to go running again – I’ve got insulation gaining at a rapid speed… defiantly not needed.
Damons all better again so tomorrow we’ll go back out again.

Gee, that movie was great!!!
I want a fourth!!!!

The married man sent me a text today saying “there’s something different about you today – you coloured your hair! :)”
“:) yeah”
“your unique….” Blah blah blah – from the other night, I deleted it and wrote back a short reply. He wrote that he was amazed with my outlook on life - I felt like texting back there's alot of people out there with morrals. ( Even if mine are a little skewif with Eve at the moment...) but I didn't.
I wish he wouldn’t contact me.
He came into work today and we barley spoke.
Then when he left he text me.
Whatever. I don’t want to have contact with him.
His poor wife.

I had retail therapy today – It’s a very real thing except I could only buy a pair a long pink pants nice and kinda soft pink. I wanted to buy a shirt and warm top/cardigan type thing but I ran outta money.I get paid again Thursday, not much as half of it goes to tax!
I ticked the wrong box - so i'll get it back just not till late July or August.
I hope they still have it there on Thursday.
I recoloured my hair. It’s now more dark copper with red highlights.
I like it.

My songs getting more like a song and i made a new melody last night -
I'm going to go practise it.
I won't ever play out in public bt I like to play just for myself :)

My confession

I'm wrapped with guilt.
I hurt Eve. I hate myself for that. I really do.
I'm suppressing tears.
Tears of guilt hurt that fact that I lie to my mum about what/where I'm going and what I’m feeling. I don't lie. I hate lying. HATE!!!! This is my own hell.
I want to tell my mum. Why? Because I just don't want to live a lie anymore.
It's been to long. I've been sad and tired. Sigh.
By telling mum I guess I'm getting it off my chest in a mum way.
I do want to see Eve again. I wouldn't have minded seeing him tonight. To just sit with him on the couch and watch T.V, talk enjoys our company together.

I won't tell mum. I'll finish writing the letter to Eve and try and end this again.

I feel this way because he WANTED me. That's what this boils down to.
He WANTED me. WANTED.
This cuts deep.
I've gone out with people no worries but the other night when we slept together - it was different. The whole thing was different.
His words "I want you"
Mine "really?"
If I was water he would of drank me, that's what it was like.
"You can have me"
It was those words that broke the chain around my guarded heart and still I feel that feeling in my chest / stomach. Sigh. Then Friday night he's the opposite even being so crude to say, "It took forever to get some last night"
I was stunned.
"Whatever" - I shook my head and told him that it was crude to say that and he had a devious laugh.
Whatever.

I gotta go.

Today

So today I feel…. Sad.
Why? A little bit f Eve and also the fact that I now know that I really don’t want a relationship. It freaks me out.
I was reading one of my books last night and it made sooooo much sense.
I mean really, I could relate to it.
I’m tired.
I just want to get into bed, read my books, read the bible and be alone with my thoughts. My mums coming down which is nice but I just feel like being alone.
Hears the thing. My blog, Cindy, Deb& Mk (form and fi are the only people who now about Eve and what we do.
My brother asks, “Where are you going”
“To a pub”
“Who with”
“Goosy”
“Which pub?” – t this point is it any wonder why I get so terribly annoyed when he asks 20 questions on where I’m going? !!!
“I’m going to a pub in the city with Goosy, watching a band”
I walk out. This is what I always say.
I don’t care if I lie to him as he has NEVER told the truth in his life and he doesn’t need to know anything about me or what/ where I’m going.
It’s mum – this is why I feel bad. My brother tells her what I’m doing and I have to carry it on with her.
“Where did you go last night?”
“Just to a pub” – trying to keep it short
“Who with”
“Just Goosy her boyfriend and his friend”
“Was it good?”
“Yeah – how are you?”
I have to change the topic. I hate to lie to her but everything with eve is under wraps. She wouldn’t approve but she wouldn’t say anything either – it’s just better if she didn’t know.
I felt better when I felt like I had Eve out of my life. When I erased his number and all his messages from my phone and didn’t have his number. I’m going to do that again. The thing is that he eventually texts me and then I have his number again.
Sigh. – It’s just a bad situation.
I like his attention but I guess… He says he’s messed up. I think he’s confused.


Mum's just arrived. She's going mad at brother, she's upset. My brothers a controlling freak. I hate him.
My fathers the same.
I want to curl up and cry.
F**K.

It's not just sex...or is it?

Sex.

What is it really? I know everyone knows what it is but maybe it means something different to everyone.
For instance – I have been “sleeping/shagging” Eve on and off for six months.
SIX MONTHS! OMG!
Deb mentioned that today. Six months! Hmm.

Getting back to sex – Eve and I sort of have been using eachother for self-pleasure.
And only that.
Hears the thing Wednesday night he really wanted me to go over to his apartment. He rang twice and text heaps. He REALLY wanted me to go see him.
I didn’t go as I was to tired and in bed.
I did however go round on Thursday. I didn’t want to have sex. I honestly wanted to support his decision in that he wanted to be “good” and “right with God”
I told him this and he agreed.
I wasn’t to keen to stay the night but just cuddling on the couch and him then REALLY wanting me to stay – I again said, “We can’t have sex”
“Yeah, we’re not, I just don’t want you to go”
“Ok”
Enter all the warm and fuzzies that we all love.
So we’re cuddled up on the couch and it all really nice.
After the movie we went to bed. I again reminded him that nothing would happen and why, he agreed…but it didn’t stop him from trying. The words “no – don’t – we can’t” were heard a lot in the next few hours. It was driving him crazy but my will to not hurt him was stronger then that of my own self pleasure… but that only lasted for about four hours.
"Make love to me"
"There's more to love then sex"
"I know" - pause. He went quiet.
I did want him after all and he kept telling me that he was ok and I wasn’t going to hurt him. Well. It was great. It was the first night in AGES where my stomach did so many flip-flops and that feeling in my chest/heart was so strong and passionate.
Awesome feeling. I felt so… wanted.
He was different, I don’t want to go into intimate details but he was different from the other times.
Sort of more emotionally close.
So anyway I go to work Friday and again saying goodbye he was different then normal. Close. He was saying the night before how he wanted me to take the day off so we can spend it together, I said no so he said to come over after work.
I left feeling a little – surprised, smothered, worried. Does he want a relationship?
A serious relationship? Can I do that? Maybe? Oh, can’t we just keep it simple? Can I really do a relationship? Yeah, I think I can, do I feel that way about him? - Last night I did… had he really turned around and wanted me in a relationship?
I told him how I didn’t want “those texts” the next day and he said he wouldn’t do that anymore…
So I text him after work on the Friday “did you still want me to come round?”
“Yeah come round”
So I did.
Well. I shake my head now. Wow, Unbelievable. He had done a COMPLEATE BACKFLIP!!!!
I don’t get it?????
We were going out for dinner when out of the blue he says
“You can’t stay over tonight.”
Huh?? “That’s fine, where did that come from?”
He sort of shrugged it off with a half laugh.
What the??
So we go out for dinner and he spends up big.
A $70 bottle of wine, glass of port - heaps of food – because I wasn’t staying over I wasn’t going to have any more to drink after one glass of red wine.
“You can stay over “ Eve said then topping up my glass.
So I drank up and yep, good Old Dutch confidence kicked in not to long after.
So I asked the hard questions –
“Why are you so different tonight from last night? You are a completely different person tonight”
“I don’t know….“Life is like a box of Eve’s, you never know which one your going to get” – he smiled.
“It’s like I really liked the Eve last night but your someone different tonight”
I said exactly what I was thinking.
“You just use me for sex”
“No I don’t,” He sounded convincing
I when we went back that night we were lying in bed and I said
“Last night I could almost say that I loved you”
“No, don’t go saying that –“
“It’s true, but tonight you’re a completely different person”
We went to sleep. This morning I left to go to work, I kissed him on the cheek and he was back to his other self. Just a little cold.
I was driving to work and I wrote him a text
“Hmmm…. maybe we should think more b4 we c each other & try harder to be good….” I didn’t get a reply – I didn’t think I would.
Not anything - till maybe next time.
I haven’t cried about it. I’m to confused. He want’s me, then pushes me away and this is what’s it like.
There’s no in between. It’s up or down. Passionate or cold.
I like he’s company and he said he liked mine but however this is what it’s like.
I don’t know. Until next time I guess.

So today I went and picked up a Christian book I had on order and brought a couple of bible study guides, to help me to work through being a single Christian.
It’s just got confusing. It was just enjoying Eve’s company and the sex – until the other night,
When it became more then just that but only to be brought back to ground zero not even fifteen hours later.

Now, well I’m just going through the paces, I feel a little like a heffier because I was a little hung over from last night and ate so much.
I don’t feel anything. I don’t know what I feel.
Not empty. I feel…a little sad. But I feel sad for him. He doesn’t like himself, he knows what’s he’s doing but finds it hard to stop.
It can’t be left up to me to be the one who has to say no for the both of us.

The call

Well last night – Eve practically begged me to come over – I was in bed and said no.
It’s nice to be wanted ;)

I think he just wanted sex. I’d try not to go there – try and support his decision and break the cycle.
We may meet up tonight.
We’ll see...

I had a terrible nightmare last night – woke up and read the bible for a bit before I could go back to sleep. Demons possessing people and stuff – Very disturbing, I woke up in a sweat.
Yeesh...

OMG!!!!!!

OMG!
STOP THE NOISE!
STOP THE RINGING!
IT’S THE STUPID HEADSETS AT WORK!
THIS TITINIUS IS REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEED TO GO BUY A HEADSET THAT TURNS DOWN THE VOLUME!
(Yes they should do that but if I wait for them – I could be deaf by then!!!)

Hitting the pov line

I was really tired at work today.
I went and saw my mum at mons and we had lunch and chatted. It was nice to see her again.
Although I went and coloured my hair so I was in and out a bit.
My hair was looking fuzzy and gross so I coloured it and now it’s all shiny.
I hate the cold and it’s winter now.
Yuk.
I’m feeling the pinch of not having any money. I had to put in $5 into my car for petrol. That’s all I had and it didn’t get rid of the low fuel that lights up on the dash.
I just hope it can get me to work tomorrow; I’ll get some money and be ok.
I’ve also been making food last further. Add milk into the yoghurt and you can almost get double the size :)

I better go to bed. I’m reading a Christian devotional book at the moment along with the bible and it interesting. I read about relationships and stuff. I can see why Eve is the way he is.
Funny it talks about “passion” which is how I refer to Eve. Passion.
Where you just want to rip off the other person’s clothes, feel so close skin on skin, lips on lips….
Ok I better stop there.
I deleted his phone number out of my phone to stop myself from texting him.
I think I still have his number in my computer but not on my phone.
Better that way.
I better go to bed 7.45pm!

Baby day

I had a great day. I went and saw Fi and her new baby – and yes - I could picture myself having a child one day. Not any time soon but well – there’s always adopting…
Pregnancy is bazaar Fi told me in great detail and it was great to hear it all.
I’m glad I went and saw her because everything is fine between us and I could have not seen her again – just not got around to it and always have in the back of my mind that I didn’t get to see her for nine weeks – but we have a good friendship and I’m glad that we got it back together.
The baby is just Georges. Zoë, I held her for ages and it was a warm and cosy room and she was all cuddled up on me and it was really nice. Cosy.
:))
I don’t know if I’ll ever meet Mr Right but I don’t think I will in my mind frame at the moment :))

Being single is the better option for me

Nothing to post really, for the first time I went on Chat.
I’ve been on other times but I bail out when my question didn’t get answered and I had tossers wanting to know what I look like, age and sex? No – I only chat to my friends and it’s rarely cos I don’t like it. Pick up the phone I say.
I don’t want to chat with anyone about anything but my question.
I spoke to a woman in America who had supportive words and made me feel better that I’m not alone living with someone who has OCD/ Tourette’s.
Her hubby and son had things similar but sounded worse. Yesh.
Made me feel …supported :)

With all the late nights last week I spent this weekend with high hopes to clean and do stuff – I was cleaning my car and did the shopping when a wave of extreme tiredness came over me and I had to go home. I watched a movie “Just Friends” then went to sleep for an hour and a half.
I’m a little worried – I’m really tired. So tired that I could be asleep now. I'm forcing myself to stay awake “X men 2” is next in the DVD player.
I’ve managed to cook some pumpkin and making some soup.
From this week onwards I have to budget. I get paid once a month and I have very little money to get by on till then. Bring on budgeting I say – maybe this will make me save my money and I can go OS. That’s my goal. I’m doing all this work to be able to go away for two or so months and keep paying my car off.
I just hope I don’t burn out before then. I couldn’t go for my run today or yesterday cos I was too tired. I need to rest.
I’m a granny.
At least now I know that I don’t want any more dates and I’m happier with out them.
I have two tickets to go to the movies. I think I will go see one by myself then take a friend to another half price.
I’d prefer to go alone rather then sit in a cinema with someone I don’t know and get “moves” made on me. Yeesh.
Bye bye

blogger photos in work mode

In the mornings he wakes me up then waits for me to get up this was one morning when he had been jumping around then stops and looks at me... XXX


This was taken in Jan this year - in the doorway of my room

My Daisey!! :)))

Nick names are funny I call Damon - Daisey,Days, hurbert, heuey, pumpkin head (no cos he's cute) :))


I'm sitting on the couch, Damon is next to me because he was on the floor but he started crying because he wanted to be close to me.
Then I realise he's little leg is - over my foot and he's happy. I'm happy - it's the companionship, He's a dog but I luv him.
He's had surery last week to remove a lump so I haven't been able to take him on our run/walk together and I miss him. I think he misses it too - he's been bouncing off the walls but the stiches could come out so he has to stay at home.
This was a pic taken a little while ago up at my mums - he's a cutie!

The past week

I don’t want to see Gareth again. He’s not a bad person – there’s just no spark. Nothing but maybe because his so shy and quiet would have something to do with it.
I went out with Gareth on Sunday and Wednesday then on Thursday I’m sitting in bed winding down getting ready to go to sleep, I’m reading a Christian book and the bible. I was thinking about Eve, I stoped and thought about him. Prayed about him I thought
“God I’d like to see him again”
Bang! I get a text. Yes – it’s Eve.
Now this has happened before I would think about him ask God about him and like on cue he sends me a text!
He then called and we spoke –“come round and watch a movie”
“hmmm – yeeahh…”
So I ended up going around there and we watched TV and talked.
It was good – no sex no anything. It was just nice.
I asked him by text on the way home if he wanted to go to the movies and see the D Di venci Code.
“I’ll think about it” was his response.
“Don’t worry about it”
“Keep reading your books”
I left it at that. Whatever – It’s not a hard question – Do you want to go see a movie? Yes or No. Not hard. Obviously nothing will happen because we don’t want that anymore.

I went out with a married man with a kid and one the way on Friday, just as friends. I work with him. I’m to trusting. Naïve. Stupid. In the end I spent the night telling him that his marriage is worth saving and he shouldn’t cheat or do anything like this. (Being that we went out for dinner and he put his arm around me all the time, looking at me intently)
When we left to walk home I told him “No. Don’t, you can’t do that”
It really wasn’t a good situation. I feel bad for his wife. I feel bad that I let him as long as he did even tho I knew it was wrong. Next time I’m going with my gut feeling. If it doesn’t feel right DON”T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
God I feel really bad. He just had his arm around me but that ‘s bad enough.
Doooahhh. Whatever. I shake me head. Whatever. Sigh. I’m such an idiot.
I feel terrible. Sigh. I won’t let him do that again or myself. I hold little respect for people who cheat on their partner.
I guess it’s a good thing I have a conscience.