weird

Well after moping aroun for a day I feel alot better now.
I feel like i'm on top of it. I have the confidence to do what I want and what i'm thinking is that - I don't want to go by myself. A) it's nice to share the experience and B)it's cheaper.
So I'm thinking about maybe going up to Girly mans and maybe (I doubt it'll happen) but ask my cousin if she wants to give me her two eldest girls and i'll take them to the theame parks and have them for a few days. but I doubt she'll break up the "clan" - being that she/ they are Jehova "cult" movement they don't like their kids mingling with others who are not. Also she thinks unless you can take all FIVE kids then "it's not fair to the others" - She dosen't see it as maybe the eldest two can have a great time and the others are to young and I'm not paying for FIVE!
We'll see.

Riding my bike to work and as I predicted i'm gaining man legs. I'm trying to involve walking/running but seems my muscles feel like they are being used and they just blow up! Hence I get stumpy man legs. Stupid body type ;)
I meant to be going dirt bike riding on Thursday but I don't think I will because I'm going out Wednesday and ... it's really expensive.
hmmm.
Nicks all weird around me. He couldn't even look at me this morning! I kept trying to talk to him and Break the ice so to speak and in the end i just told him not to be wierd around me. Cos he was and he agreed he was and we kinda left it at that. He's got to get over it.
I don't know sometimes I think it's because sometimes I think he likes me and other times I think, he thinks I like him and he freaks out.
Girly man told me that ages ago he thought I liked him and he was a little worried.
It's just not like that. But he just gets weird.

the update on "plan B"

Last night after my post Nick returned my call. He's not comming.
I was really upset. I think it's because I... really didn't want to go by myself. and now - looks like... I am :(
I don't want to.
Sad.
I guess i'd rather go alone then to go with someone and feel alone.
That's a good way to look at it.
So I cut the conversation short and told him that i'd talk to him in a few days.
He's working tonight so i'll see him in the morning.
I felt that really upset feeling today.
Yesterday at the lunch I was seeing how everyone is moving on with their life having kids settling down etc and I thought - I want more then that. I don't want my life to go in the typicall direction of having kids raising them working part time watching them grow... I don't know it's not something I long to do.
Maybe one day. just not in the near future. Then again I couldn't see past Feburary now - well I just don't see anything. Besides Japan but I mean I'm not looking forward to that really... it's to far away.
:(
I'm usually pritty strong minded, I get told that too - but today...and yesterday...
I felt so compleatly alone and being single wasn't all that much fun.
Shame I don't want a relationship. Would be good for an hour or so at night...

So is that what I'm saying? I've got to get out of the man just is a pain in the ass useful for what??
(sorry males who read this, it's just how I feel at the moment. I'll get over it.)

I will get over it - probably later tonight I just need to mull around in self pity for a couple more hours.... ;)

plan B

I've just come home from a full on day.
Blah. The ex neglected to tell his sister that I was invited over for lunch. That made me feel uncomfortable as he INVITED ME OVER FOR LUNCH!!!!
He's done something like that before - he just doesn't think.
I was a little outta place but I mean - geez - I felt like I was intruding! because I was!
Nicks annoying me he's hot then cold and it's only a friendship we have! He'll go from talking and being relaxed to being cold and not even saying a word. I call him and he won't return my call. What the???
I mean were just friends but I just feel like all I'm doing is looking forward to a let down. I don't think he'll want to go away to Vietnam with me. I think i'l be going alone and I don't really want to do that.
I'm just annoyed. I just need a plan B. and a good plan B.
Vietnam anyone?
I better go to bed. Again I'm annoyed but really - i'm just hurt.

Everything is just going along so wonderfully that I think the little things that I would usually get over looked they are the things that get to me.

i'm a little tired and getting emotional. I don't think Nick will come with me and I don't want to go alone.

plan B

I've just come home from a full on day.
Blah. The ex neglected to tell his sister that I was invited over for lunch. That made me feel uncomfortable as he INVITED ME OVER FOR LUNCH!!!!
He's done something like that before - he just doesn't think.
I was a little outta place but I mean - geez - I felt like I was intruding! because I was!
Nicks annoying me he's hot then cold and it's only a friendship we have! He'll go from talking and being relaxed to being cold and not even saying a word. I call him and he won't return my call. What the???
I mean were just friends but I just feel like all I'm doing is looking forward to a let down. I don't think he'll want to go away to Vietnam with me. I think i'l be going alone and I don't really want to do that.
I'm just annoyed. I just need a plan B. and a good plan B.
Vietnam anyone?
I better go to bed. Again I'm annoyed but really - i'm just hurt.

Everything is just going along so wonderfully that I think the little things that I would usually get over looked they are the things that get to me.

i'm a little tired and getting emotional. I don't think Nick will come with me and I don't want to go alone.

Now....

I have that feeling in my stomach where I want to just cry. Cry because why?
I think it's because of Girly Man. He rang today saying that he's moving interstate on Thursday. It's a good thing, i'm just upset because I don't know.
Process of elimation. It's not the fact that i'm not going out with Raff tonight (she rang and cancelled) It's not becaust Girly mans leaving.
Eve? Yeah - I think it may be a little of that and the fact that Girly Man and his partner& kids are going interstate... but then I may go and see them one day.
Eve.Hmmm. I don't know.His brother came in today for a haircut and his dad lent me a CD on Christianity evoulation or creation which will be interesting.
When his brother came in today I said - "Eve - Mk's out the back" I said the wrong name I said Eve instead of MK! I don't know if he heard but I couldn't believe he said that. Seeing his brother just reminds me of him and....yeah.
I was telling Deb how I really don't like Eve as a person and she said
"That must be hard having him just randomly come in and out of your life like that."
I said no but really - I think that's it. It is hard. It's hard.
When I see him I lust after him and would like to have him but it's totally just lust.Attraction and if I got to know him before I shagged him then I'm sure the attraction would have died because his personality would have totally turned me off. But I didn't. It was that after, so I didn't like the inside person but lusted for the Passion and great sex.
I better go and have a sleep.
I'm tired.
I had a crap day at work today - I was slow and I thought my cuts looked like crap.
Mk didn't say anything but I kinda wish he did.

Just What ever! Leave me alone!

I'm just annoyed. Today at work I had alot of shifts I couldn't fill and it annoyed me. I had a situation at work today, I delt with it but couldn't refill the shift. So I was busy from the moment I steped foot in the door.
I like being busy but no one wanted to work today. Humple.

Anyway I've got Tessa my cat on my lap and Damon sitting next to me on the floor.
So that's nice.

Eve text me again last night and I thought, why are you texting me is it sex he wants? I think he's a dick.
So I asked him in text "Would you consider watching a "movie" again?" (He's "movies" are just another word he used or would cover him. Rather then just saying i'm horney come over and get laid he asked if I wanted to go watch a "movie")
He replied "No" - So I text back "I'm very glad to hear that" - Yes I'm glad to hear that maybe it'll improve his attitude but really - if there's no chance of me getting laid - don't text me and don't waste my time.
And don't fucken talk. cos you speak shit.

Hmmm... yeah - I don't like swaring but it really just seems propper in this term and on this occasion.
I'm just annoyed. I have to go de annoy myself.

I'm off to have a shower and blow wave my hair then put it in hot rollers for work tomorrow. and I'll watch M*A*S*H.

Crossing the line........?

I've just come back from my ex boyfriends house, we just ate dinner together and he had a motorbike accident last Sunday -he's ok thank God!
It was a VERY near miss and all the guys said that he's so lucky he only just missed the trees and a car coomming the oppisit direction.
They were going to fast and pushing eachother.
So I rubbed this gel stuff on his shoulder. The thought that am I crossing the line did cross my mind but we both know that we broke up for a reason. I still care about him I just don't love him anymore in the same way I once did.
I felt sorta ... like it's wrong feeling so comfortable with him.
I don't know. I'm not leading him on or anything. We just like eachothers company.
He's sister has invited me over to lunch on Sunday and I'm going to see Girly man that day too for he's ging away.

I brought a really nice dress last night to wear to the comming up christmas parties. I did go to that info sesion last night and looks like i'm going over to Japan... next year.... as long as I go with Nat I think it'll be good....
I'm not convinced. But i'll do it. After the cruise ship i'm very aprenhisive in trusting what any one says.

It's never how they say it. Fun and money. Um - No.

So I caught up and had dinner with Nick last night and George (the ex) tonight.

I'm happy to just go along at the moment. Go with the flow.

If I went over seas that means another 2 years at least being single.
Yeah - that's a good idea.

I better go off to bed now. b bye X

The Web is weird

So I'm debating if I should go to this info session about teaching O/S tonight or not... hmmmm....It's a bit of a drive...

I just watched the "you tube" of Brian aka Brian Alone Blog.
It just dawned on me how weird video blogging is - LOL!
I couldn't ever imagine having my video on the web, yet it's amusing when he does it ;)
I can't even download pictures or a voice recording! I think typing's enough for me... :))

I want to go for a nap.... maybe not go to this thing - there will be others.

That knowing feeling

I hate this part of being female. Once a month (or in my lucky case twice or not at all sometimes! WTF!) you get the hormones and moods. sux.
But above all my energy has been sucked outta me and it's such a beautiful day and I can almost see myself driving to the shops and getting some food.
Humple. I guess it explains my last post!

Last night I cancelled my credit card. Yep - No more credit card debt.
All paid off so now For the first time in about 6 or 7 years I can save again!!!
My car repayments I don't really consider to be anything because that's an on going thing for the next 5 or 6 years and it's automatically taken out of my pay so I don't really see it.

I better go I want to go and buy a DVD and get some food for the next few days.

b bye

At least I can reminisce

I’m blogging instead of texing Eve.
I was thinking how much I’d like to go and kiss him – touch his body, feel him close to me. Feel his body on top of mine. Feel his hands caressing my breasts while passionately kissing me…..
Oh how much I would like to re visit that in person instead of just in my thoughts….!!!

I’m feeling drunk on hormones! I’ve got so many hormones running around my body I’m going crazy!

I just want passionate sex with Eve. Mmmmm….
I still remember when we were walking into his room kissing (whilst walking), hands all over each other, we got onto the bed and we were lying on it and he put his arm around my me, lifted me a little and slid me up the bed.
That felt soooo good.
His strong body lying on mine, his arms wrapped around me…..

Yeah – This is what makes it soooooo hard to stop myself from going back there with him.
It’s 12.25am.
All I have to go on is the fantastic memories of the fantastic sex.

I’ll leave you with that.

future plans....

Nat came over and we had dinner tonight.

Hear's the latest.
Were planning .... to go and work overseas. Teach english in Japan.
I think that would work...
Teaching english overseas. By improving their english I would be giving them a better chance in getting a better job...
Spending a year living in Japan with Nat. I told him we'd probably want to kill eachother and he said that that would happen but it happens to everyone.
Hmm...
Nick said I should do it. Another guy who I spoke to said it's the best time to go while i'm single and young... I know of people who have done it beore....

Hmmm.... Well this is what's happening at the moment.

I think it would be great to influence people in a positive way...
And it wold be great having Nat with me....
hmmm....
I'd hate leaving Damon, But the money would be good even just the experence.
hmmm....

It was really Good

I had my trainning tonight. I found someone to bring in and Mk was great.
He's a really good teacher.
It's great when you get positive words as well as constructive critizem.

I drove Mk home and he was telling me that this guy that he was cutting said to him
"That girl usually works Saturdays hear doesn't she?"
"kaz - yeah she does"
"I really like her"
"Yeah, have you ever spoken to her?"
"No - there's just something about her"
Mk told me this and I laughed.
I was thinking about it and I asked God if he could get a client to say something to Mk that is really positive for me because I was feeling like I had let Mk down.
So I had a smile all over my face on the way home. I got the warm and fuzzies just thinking that's Gods work. Totally.
It picked me up and topped off my night :))

Nick called me tonight and he seems back to his old self. He's got over his wierdness that was there for awhile.

Listening

It's called listening beause your not the one talking.
You know when ou talk to people and really, while your talking they are just thinkng of what they are going to say next?
When you listen you don't talk. You take an intrest. You care.
Let the words of the other sink into you and let it hit your heart. Feel what they are saying. Really care.
I love listening to people and getting to know people on a more deeper leavel but please if I need to talk once in a while - Listen.
Maybe that's why I blog. One I write it down there's no need to tell anyone.
Sometimes.

I didn't give in to my temptation tonight.
Eve didn't recieve a text message. I thought about it tho.

I'm going to go and play my guitar.
Ciao for now

Temptation

Thinking about Eve again. I should re delete him from my phone.....
yeah..... I should......
But I won't.

The temptation it still there to just go use him and regreat it later....
hmmm......
I won't go but God knows I want to.
Mmmmm...... passionate sex.....
Resist. Resist. Resist.
Dam it - I said resist!

It's all about ME!

I got this off Gempires blog it’s Questions taken outa some newspaper and it’s yet another chance I get to answer questions about me.
I haven't posted for ages so gotta catch up ;)

My earliest memory is….Sitting on the floor looking into a bowl which had my brothers icy pole in it and I wanted it. I was about two.

At school I… had a crush on the P.E teacher.

…My first relationship was when I was 16 lasted about two or three weeks.
I wish I’d never worn… I have no regreats
My mother told me… treat people the way you want to be treated
I wish I had… more energy.
My most humiliating moment was… When I was at the year 10 ormal with school and I had food throwen at me. I turned to my friends for support and one flicked a ciggerette butt and it hit my in the head. I hold no grudge. I just remembed it.
At home I cook… cook????
My last meal would be… smoked samon and salad pita bread wrap which someone would make for me.
I’m very bad at… saying no
When I was a child… I had so much confidence and climbed trees and fell out of just as many.
The book that changed my life is… If you want to walk on water you have to get out o the boat

It’s not fashionable, but I love…. M*A*S*H – Forever fashionable
Friends say I am…. caring

The song I’d like played at my funeral is… Kermit the frog rainbow connecction
If only I could… do everything that I want to do
The last big belly laugh I had was… yesterday. My mum came down and I was being stupid and a pain in the butt. We found it funny – ya had to be there – but then you’d probably think it was stupid. Hence it’s just a mother daughter thing… and mon & family thing
What I don’t find amusing is…. People who have a synicall sense of humor. Laughing at others misfourtune.

I’m always being asked… To clean up my “mess” by my brother.

If I wasn’t me… I’d be someone else?

At the moment I’m listening to… birds chirping outside and wind blowing
If I were a car I’d be… My car a Toyta Avelon – cruisey, has all the extras, reliable and comfortable
I often wonder… If I’ll ever see this little kid again, And if I’ll foster or adopt a child.

back online!

Sheesh! I haven’t posted in 8 days and I really missed it.
I wrote in my pen to paper diary but it’s just not the same. I’ve been on a roller coaster with everything. Mk my hairdressing boss insulted me and pretty much said I had no idea what I was doing.
Now I know this is not true it’s just that he was watching me and the guy I was cutting was a friend of his, I had to cut while standing on tiptoes and I still couldn’t reach the front of his head! He had sores on his head and he flinched at every touch near that side of his head. He had a cow lick at the front of his hairline and I just knew when I was cutting thinking that I just couldn’t get around him. It wasn’t the way I usually cut hair.
So Mk and his GF asked “Where did you go to trade school??” Insinuating that it must have been crap. (It was but it’s been 6 years!)
I felt like crap.
I felt like I let him down and he was annoyed and disappointed in me.
I felt terrible. I’ve been told that I’ve given people the best haircut they ever had and I just try and do what they want.
Then I get a message from Eve who had been acting very strangely lately and he said “sorry for the late notice but have to cancel tomorrow can’t find someone to cover my shift” –The first thought that went through my head was “you knew about this for two months and you leave it till now to find a replacement??!!”
So I thought- great. I’ve been let down by a friend. So I felt utterly guttered about work and then Nick on top of that – then Girly man came and was just a little down with moving interstate and had heaps to do so he was telling me about that.
I came home wrote it down in my diary and cried. And cried.
Then I called Nat and he picked me up.
A) if my boss had a real problem with me, he wouldn’t have kept me for over a year and a half
B) A lot of people have just leat Nicks work in the past week leaving them understaffed.
So I understood. I still felt bad about work but I kinda understood with Nick.

Eve came in and got a haircut 2 Saturdays ago. A part of me still wants to go over and get a random shag but …. Probably not a good idea.
It would feel sooooo good tho…..
No. Better not.

So that’s where I’m at. I’ve walked the 1000 steps a couple of times and that’s been good. Tiering but good.

So emotionally I’ve felt wrung out.

Now I feel… hesistant.
I’m afraid Mk will still not be happy with my work.
I spoke to Nick last night and I’m putting it down to him having “weird” moments.

sleep - isn't over rated

Today I spent ALL day in bed. Except for 2 and a half hours.

I was SOOOooooo tired. I was asleep most of the time or watching M*A*S*H.

I've managed to pick myself up.
I always feel vague. It's because i'm tired all the time.

I better go back to bed. I feel like I could go and sleep for hours. At least another 10.
Sheesh. If I was over this post Glandular feaver crap I wouldn't spend alllll day sleeping and feeling the way I do!!!!!!!!!
How long does this have to go on??!!!
It's nearly daylight savings and how can I enjoy them if all my time is spent in bed!!!???


Sigh.

Sigh

Can I cry?
My computer is running on it's battirie which is dying because it's broken - yes - broken.
I feel like I need a hug.
The work BBQ was good. I got there very late and staied till late with just half a doesen people.
I'm tired.
I hate men. Most. Not all.
I want to spend a few passionate meaningful hours with Eve...or...... I don't know.
Yeah - real meaningful, I guess ya know what I mean.
I'm sad.
I'm annoyed.
I'm tired.

Talk turned political today. I just wasn't in the mood and when people bring up Bali and say how people knew about it - it's makes me upset. I didn't show it.

I feel like a frump.

Brother went up to my mums today but not before he decided to sware and arry on to me about something he did and wished he didn't do and he knew I was right.
I mean-Fuck.
Sorry.
He calls me all the names and swares and carries on - Now I'm Crying. Great.
I just truly hate him.
Hate is a nice word for how much I hate him.

I just want a hug. Someone to say hey I understand. Your not what he says.
You are only retaliating to him.

I'm going to go now and cry myself to sleep and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

Hi

I feel like - I'm blessed to have the people I know around me.

I'm tired.

I went for a bush walk with Nick yesterday, i'm so unfit.
Girly Man is leaving to go and work interstate.
I've been seeing really good looking guys lately and i think next time I see one who is as obviously catching my eye i'm just going to give him my number and tell him to call me. Why not? You live once. What have I got to loose?
I've gotta go sleep calls

The outcome

The brusies are comming out today. On my legs and hands.
As my saying went "If in doubt, Bail out" I can see where that's came into effect.

Brother changed the light bulb out the back yard where it shines into my room.
It's now red.
He turns it on and I feel like were open for business.
Great.

There's a first for everything! Well - almost :)

Oh the pain!
My arms! My chest, legs, neck, back, shoulders and my ass!
Everything is sooooo sore!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was to TERRIFIED! So SCARED!
After the fist stack then the second, third – well really there was just sorta 2 main ones and the rest were sort of tipped while slowing down and it cut off. Ohhh – I was soooo scared! I got over it in the end but the adrianilian was pumping through my body for the whole day! Even tho I was a bit tired and still sick!
It was funny; there was this huge ditch, which was all muddy, wet and slippery.
The guy I went out with Jim asked if I wanted to he could ride across it then walk back and ride mine through. I agreed. There was a big hole on my left and a tree on my right.
“Oh – Na I’ll do it” I say thinking I’d be ok if I stuck to the middle.
“You sure?”
“Yep, I’ll go slowly in and rip it out”
“Ok”
I sat there and looked at it.
“Confidence” Jim called out from the other side.
Breath in…. Yep. I’ll do it.
I went to move and it cut out. I was so nervous I let go of the clutch to soon.
I restarted it. Ok. I kept praying.
I slowly moved in then I felt it starting to slide out – I ripped the throttle and I got out of it! I got out of it all right! It launched over to the other side then I lost my balance and proceeded to run it into the bushes! Landed on the ground and skidded into the bushes.
I laughed – I missed the massive hole and the bushes were ok :)
Jim helped my bike up laughing,
“You know, when you said you were going to let it rip out - I didn’t think you’d actually do it!”
I laughed –“Yeah, I think it’s the ex and his friends influence!”

With in the first hour of riding I fell off on a dirt road. Landed on my chest and skidded for about 6 meters with my bike following not far behind me. Because I was fully decked out with safety gear I was ok, I got up and saw that I had bent the handlebars. They were so bent that I ended up swapping bikes with Jim. I started out on a 250 cc and then we swapped and I got on the 450cc – It was lots of fun in the end.
I must have dropped that bike about 6 or more times! Those things weigh at lest 120kg to 160kg!!!! I picked it up on my own almost every time.
Even when I rode it into another big ditch with water in it. I rode in aster this time and got bogged. I tipped it a little then it just fell and I had to quickly pick it up because I remembered what water does in the fuel tank! Jim had to get on and in the end we both dragged it out. I was all wet, muddy and dirty – and I loved IT!
I really felt like such a kid! Jim had to do up my helmet when I put it back on and I guess I just felt like a little kid again – it was a funny feeling really.
Jim got a couple of photos on his phone so when I get them I’ll post the pictures.
Will I do it again? Ummm…. Yeah I think so.
On the way home I dropped in to a market then when I got home I took Damon for a walk then went to church. I thanked God for letting me live!
When I eventually stopped it was when I was in bed and I spoke to Nick.
I fell asleep in about a minute after we hung up.

So now what? Well – I’m still sick. Which didn’t help things yesterday. I’m going for a bush walk up 1000 stairs with Nick on Thursday and were going out on Sunday to one of his friends piano/ singing thing. I’ve been playing my guitar still and trying to take it easy. But with all the hair cuts I’m doing lately it’s getting harder but Praise God I have my trade for the extra cash.

I have to go now and pay bills and do my banking. Great. Now I’m going to feel poverty again! It’s all good:)