It's not just sex...or is it?

Sex.

What is it really? I know everyone knows what it is but maybe it means something different to everyone.
For instance – I have been “sleeping/shagging” Eve on and off for six months.
SIX MONTHS! OMG!
Deb mentioned that today. Six months! Hmm.

Getting back to sex – Eve and I sort of have been using eachother for self-pleasure.
And only that.
Hears the thing Wednesday night he really wanted me to go over to his apartment. He rang twice and text heaps. He REALLY wanted me to go see him.
I didn’t go as I was to tired and in bed.
I did however go round on Thursday. I didn’t want to have sex. I honestly wanted to support his decision in that he wanted to be “good” and “right with God”
I told him this and he agreed.
I wasn’t to keen to stay the night but just cuddling on the couch and him then REALLY wanting me to stay – I again said, “We can’t have sex”
“Yeah, we’re not, I just don’t want you to go”
“Ok”
Enter all the warm and fuzzies that we all love.
So we’re cuddled up on the couch and it all really nice.
After the movie we went to bed. I again reminded him that nothing would happen and why, he agreed…but it didn’t stop him from trying. The words “no – don’t – we can’t” were heard a lot in the next few hours. It was driving him crazy but my will to not hurt him was stronger then that of my own self pleasure… but that only lasted for about four hours.
"Make love to me"
"There's more to love then sex"
"I know" - pause. He went quiet.
I did want him after all and he kept telling me that he was ok and I wasn’t going to hurt him. Well. It was great. It was the first night in AGES where my stomach did so many flip-flops and that feeling in my chest/heart was so strong and passionate.
Awesome feeling. I felt so… wanted.
He was different, I don’t want to go into intimate details but he was different from the other times.
Sort of more emotionally close.
So anyway I go to work Friday and again saying goodbye he was different then normal. Close. He was saying the night before how he wanted me to take the day off so we can spend it together, I said no so he said to come over after work.
I left feeling a little – surprised, smothered, worried. Does he want a relationship?
A serious relationship? Can I do that? Maybe? Oh, can’t we just keep it simple? Can I really do a relationship? Yeah, I think I can, do I feel that way about him? - Last night I did… had he really turned around and wanted me in a relationship?
I told him how I didn’t want “those texts” the next day and he said he wouldn’t do that anymore…
So I text him after work on the Friday “did you still want me to come round?”
“Yeah come round”
So I did.
Well. I shake my head now. Wow, Unbelievable. He had done a COMPLEATE BACKFLIP!!!!
I don’t get it?????
We were going out for dinner when out of the blue he says
“You can’t stay over tonight.”
Huh?? “That’s fine, where did that come from?”
He sort of shrugged it off with a half laugh.
What the??
So we go out for dinner and he spends up big.
A $70 bottle of wine, glass of port - heaps of food – because I wasn’t staying over I wasn’t going to have any more to drink after one glass of red wine.
“You can stay over “ Eve said then topping up my glass.
So I drank up and yep, good Old Dutch confidence kicked in not to long after.
So I asked the hard questions –
“Why are you so different tonight from last night? You are a completely different person tonight”
“I don’t know….“Life is like a box of Eve’s, you never know which one your going to get” – he smiled.
“It’s like I really liked the Eve last night but your someone different tonight”
I said exactly what I was thinking.
“You just use me for sex”
“No I don’t,” He sounded convincing
I when we went back that night we were lying in bed and I said
“Last night I could almost say that I loved you”
“No, don’t go saying that –“
“It’s true, but tonight you’re a completely different person”
We went to sleep. This morning I left to go to work, I kissed him on the cheek and he was back to his other self. Just a little cold.
I was driving to work and I wrote him a text
“Hmmm…. maybe we should think more b4 we c each other & try harder to be good….” I didn’t get a reply – I didn’t think I would.
Not anything - till maybe next time.
I haven’t cried about it. I’m to confused. He want’s me, then pushes me away and this is what’s it like.
There’s no in between. It’s up or down. Passionate or cold.
I like he’s company and he said he liked mine but however this is what it’s like.
I don’t know. Until next time I guess.

So today I went and picked up a Christian book I had on order and brought a couple of bible study guides, to help me to work through being a single Christian.
It’s just got confusing. It was just enjoying Eve’s company and the sex – until the other night,
When it became more then just that but only to be brought back to ground zero not even fifteen hours later.

Now, well I’m just going through the paces, I feel a little like a heffier because I was a little hung over from last night and ate so much.
I don’t feel anything. I don’t know what I feel.
Not empty. I feel…a little sad. But I feel sad for him. He doesn’t like himself, he knows what’s he’s doing but finds it hard to stop.
It can’t be left up to me to be the one who has to say no for the both of us.