Hopefully this is the last post about Nick...

I’m less confused then I was last night.
I re read a text Nick gave me a while ago. When we were “friends”
In my mobile phone I have a section for texts that make me smile and feel better about myself when I’m a little down.
I came across this one from Nick.
To paint the picture I was upset about Girly Man going away and we were planning to go out for drinks.

“ That was me calling…don’t be sad kaz, I’m looking forward to going out on the 16th sure it won’t be the same but anyway Girly Man is alive and walking the earth just knowing this makes me happy. Enough ranting, a BIG warm hug from me. :)”

And I remember him taking a video on his phone of me then awhile (couple of weeks) telling me how he watches it and laughs. It was just a video that I didn’t realise he was taking and when I realised it was really close to me and I got a surprise.
Another time he stood behind me and blew on my neck.
He spoke about the future still just being friends but about late next year.
He use to come and say good-bye to me at work.
We spoke for hours on the phone and it was him calling me a lot of the time too!
This text reminded me of that.
Now – he can’t even look at me. I tried to make small talk yesterday and Nat said that I looked really pathetic trying to make small talk with someone who didn’t want to talk and had really short answers.
Reading the text last night I remembered these things.
I don't feel so stupid thinking maybe it was me.
To go from this to simply being cut off without an explanation baffles me.
But I guess I now feel more like…. I remember the warmth. Real comfort in knowing that he didn’t just wake up one day and hate me – Maybe he just … thought it was for the best. Yeah. So I have to deal with this but I feel now a little better.
I don’t know what I did and he says I didn’t do anything.
I didn’t expect to see him today. I drove into the car park and saw his car. My stomach tightened again. The hurt was fresh as ever and I prayed about it breathed in and faced him. Only to result in no words spoken – at all.
A mutual Good morning but that’s where it ended.

Now there’s also Drew…. Who likes me too.
Raffs brother. I’m trying to tone down that whole situation and just I don’t know talk about different guys, people – I think if I talk about someone else like Nick to him or other guys that’ll turn him away a bit.
I just don’t want him to develop feelings toward me.
I know he’s flirting but I don’t want anything to happen. It’s starting to concern me because he … I don’t know – asks me to come round and we all watch Movies together… I just think… I don’t want him to think we could ever be anything.
He’s 35 and any sort of relationship would spell commitment.
That scares the crap outta me!!!
Relationships scare the crap outa me! Nick – maybe he felt the same way.
It’s got to a point where we were comfortable with each other and just I guess a good friendship.
Ivy asked him the other day what happened to why he doesn’t talk to me – I didn’t ask her to say anything she just wanted to probe him off the own back – but he didn’t let on anything. Didn’t want to “talk behind her back”. He wouldn’t have told her anyway. I really felt 50/50 I didn’t want him to be there- yet, I wanted to see him…. And for him maybe to see me.

Ok. I’m done.
Hopefully that’s enough of Nick.

I’m going to go and read Allen Alda’s Biography. I brought it today.
Yes I love M*A*S*H