the update on "plan B"

Last night after my post Nick returned my call. He's not comming.
I was really upset. I think it's because I... really didn't want to go by myself. and now - looks like... I am :(
I don't want to.
Sad.
I guess i'd rather go alone then to go with someone and feel alone.
That's a good way to look at it.
So I cut the conversation short and told him that i'd talk to him in a few days.
He's working tonight so i'll see him in the morning.
I felt that really upset feeling today.
Yesterday at the lunch I was seeing how everyone is moving on with their life having kids settling down etc and I thought - I want more then that. I don't want my life to go in the typicall direction of having kids raising them working part time watching them grow... I don't know it's not something I long to do.
Maybe one day. just not in the near future. Then again I couldn't see past Feburary now - well I just don't see anything. Besides Japan but I mean I'm not looking forward to that really... it's to far away.
:(
I'm usually pritty strong minded, I get told that too - but today...and yesterday...
I felt so compleatly alone and being single wasn't all that much fun.
Shame I don't want a relationship. Would be good for an hour or so at night...

So is that what I'm saying? I've got to get out of the man just is a pain in the ass useful for what??
(sorry males who read this, it's just how I feel at the moment. I'll get over it.)

I will get over it - probably later tonight I just need to mull around in self pity for a couple more hours.... ;)