Siblings
I shake my head. I HATE thinking that I have to make someone proud of me.
I think that my own standards are high enough.
I sit hear. I'm at the kitchen table and I'm on my lap top.
I don't hate anyone. No one. Even the people who made my life hell as a teenager, I don't hate anyone. Except one person. This hate is directed to my brother. The child who I don't relate with, is the exact opposite to myself, I can't stand living hear with him. It's a constant headache which drives me to the edge.
I turn into a different person. I hate the person I am around him. I hate his negativeness and I hate the fact that I can't get out because of my situation financially. He drives me to self destruction. You know the sort. Drinking into oblivation and hoping that the hate will evoperate and you just forget all the things that you have just both said. I sit hear and drink my Merlot waiting for it's affects. It's got a good taste but when you are just out to forget you don't care what it tastes like.
Hears some history. Why do I just not like him? Why would I go to the fact that I would say that I hate him? Try living with him.
Maybe coming from a background with divorced parents and a brother with a Syndrome and O.C.D
Maybe I shouldn't be writing this. I'm typing really fast. The wine is taking it's affects. Good. Maybe I'll sleep tonight.
When I moved out I never swore. I hardly did as a kid and only as it was leading up to when I moved out was when I had what my father would call a gutter mouth.
I never swore in my 3 and a half year relationship and nor did he to me.(his 31st birthday today I text him and wished him a happy birthday, why? cos I remembered)
That's just how it was. Now I wake up and the first words that come out of my mouth are usually the worst.
God, that's within the first five minutes of getting up.
I feel like a different person. It's not who I am. I hate this person.
I need to get out from this situation.
At least my anger about him tonight has reduced.
I know that he can't help it. He swears ALL THE TIME!!!! Fuji, shit, shit, Fuck!!!
You bitch, you stupid bitch, Fuck ya.
Oh, believe me I give it back. He has Torrette Syndrome. And I can't deal with it. I've had to deal with it all my life and it doesn't get easier.
I feel like I'm the adult and he's the child.
I get this way occasionally. It used to be every few months. Then weeks and now it's days.
It can't continue like this.
Even now while I'm typing. He's apologizing.
"Sorry about before"
"Yeah. fuck off - don't talk to me"
Harsh? Maybe? But I'm at the end of my tether and I have to get out of this house and away from him. This is a moment. I going for a walk. A drunken walk, but maybe I can just relax.
I think that my own standards are high enough.
I sit hear. I'm at the kitchen table and I'm on my lap top.
I don't hate anyone. No one. Even the people who made my life hell as a teenager, I don't hate anyone. Except one person. This hate is directed to my brother. The child who I don't relate with, is the exact opposite to myself, I can't stand living hear with him. It's a constant headache which drives me to the edge.
I turn into a different person. I hate the person I am around him. I hate his negativeness and I hate the fact that I can't get out because of my situation financially. He drives me to self destruction. You know the sort. Drinking into oblivation and hoping that the hate will evoperate and you just forget all the things that you have just both said. I sit hear and drink my Merlot waiting for it's affects. It's got a good taste but when you are just out to forget you don't care what it tastes like.
Hears some history. Why do I just not like him? Why would I go to the fact that I would say that I hate him? Try living with him.
Maybe coming from a background with divorced parents and a brother with a Syndrome and O.C.D
Maybe I shouldn't be writing this. I'm typing really fast. The wine is taking it's affects. Good. Maybe I'll sleep tonight.
When I moved out I never swore. I hardly did as a kid and only as it was leading up to when I moved out was when I had what my father would call a gutter mouth.
I never swore in my 3 and a half year relationship and nor did he to me.(his 31st birthday today I text him and wished him a happy birthday, why? cos I remembered)
That's just how it was. Now I wake up and the first words that come out of my mouth are usually the worst.
God, that's within the first five minutes of getting up.
I feel like a different person. It's not who I am. I hate this person.
I need to get out from this situation.
At least my anger about him tonight has reduced.
I know that he can't help it. He swears ALL THE TIME!!!! Fuji, shit, shit, Fuck!!!
You bitch, you stupid bitch, Fuck ya.
Oh, believe me I give it back. He has Torrette Syndrome. And I can't deal with it. I've had to deal with it all my life and it doesn't get easier.
I feel like I'm the adult and he's the child.
I get this way occasionally. It used to be every few months. Then weeks and now it's days.
It can't continue like this.
Even now while I'm typing. He's apologizing.
"Sorry about before"
"Yeah. fuck off - don't talk to me"
Harsh? Maybe? But I'm at the end of my tether and I have to get out of this house and away from him. This is a moment. I going for a walk. A drunken walk, but maybe I can just relax.
posted by kaz at 3:15 PM
2 Comments:
walking the streets late at night come open a whole new world of weirdness, if you're in an intersting enough place - a drinks under the belt never hurt either - walk into a strange bar, meet strangers, wite poems in your head to the rhythm that your feet move in, etc.
Sometimes when two people live together, not just family and but friends to it puts a strain on that relationship. If you can make plans to move out and then give it time perhaps you can approach your brother and try to rebuild a relationship with him. In any case you will not have to deal with his BS any more and you will be a happier person.
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