Sunday

Today I feel – good.
Eve did what he is known for yesterday – turning up for a haircut 1 hour and 15 min late. I was driving Mk and his kids home so I left at 2.10pm. As I was driving out I saw in driving in. He didn’t see us.
I shook my head in disbelief – Mk helped me see what he’s doing and he’s right.
He’s playing a game and being “in control” of the situation.
Well – Not this time baby, I’m not hanging around for anyone anymore.
Eve is disrespectful, rude and goes on his “power trips” that really, I’m over.
Mk is such a great guy and his Girlfriend Deb is just such a wonderful and beautiful person.
Eve called me about five min after he arrived and again about five minutes after that.
I didn’t answer. He didn’t text. I wouldn’t have replied.
He didn’t eve call or text to tell me he was going to be late because – he meant it!
It’s another learning curb in the path of life. I couldn’t even imagine having sex with him now. As good as it was – now I know it would just be bad.
There’s nothing in it. What’s the point in that?
I’m not doing that again with anyone until I’m either married or in a very serious relationship.
I don’t want to have numerous partners before I meet “the right” person.
I glad I didn’t do that with Jack. Would have ended badly.

So today I’m feeling happy. I’m going out for lunch with my brother, father and meeting his new girlfriend. Yeah. That’s something that I really want to do. I don’t see the point of even getting dressed up. Meaning do my hair and make up.
Not for him. Dam I do it for myself part of being a hairdresser and going out with George for as long as I did.
Nick is doing the same thing today. We spoke about it on Friday having similar views on it. I told him to call me on Sunday night and we can exchange details. We both have a similar relationship with our fathers.
I wonder if he will call me? He’s just a friend – but I don’t think he’ll call. Nah – he won’t.
I mean he’s a nice guy but just as a friend and if a friend can’t call just to talk then – maybe he’s looking into it too much.
Being that It’s Sunday morning I have to go to church.

almost a week since my last post.
A terriable week work wise, horriable week in myself, Eve, my father, brother my old male best friend from years ago making an issue about something stupid and I just couln't have cared. I was in to bad mood - and it's all sort of like Whatever- who really cares!?
I don't!! So I drank and yeah - all added up to my destrustive two nights and a good talk to "Girly man". He's really a great guy and I love the fact that he LOVES his partner AND TELLS ME SO!!!
I just think that, that in it's self shows great love in a man.

A friend lost her pregnancy at 14 weeks and what's weird....
I knew it was going to happen. I didn't ever say anything but I knew. I just knew.
It's weird like that. I think she'll get pregnant again beore the end of the year and that will be ok. No. Maybe early with in the three months of next year but that one will be ok.
I just had a feeling.

I haven't been on my computer or ages and I'll probably do it again. I've just had enough or now and I need more time to read two books I've got.
I don't get much time in my day.
I'm very bland at the moment.

Enough already!

That’s it! I’ve had enough!
ENOUGH!
I’ve had enough of my computer – yes you my beloved little laptop (I’m sorry)
I’VE HAD ENOUGH!!!!
I’m leaving for the next, what - three days. While my brother is at home I’m NOT!

I’m spending to much time on my computer and I want more time to me.
I need to get away – leave – just recollect myself.
I WANT TO CRY I WANT TO SCREAM I WANT TO GET OUT
All I can do is sit hear and take it.
God help me.

One step closer to....

Yeah.
Today at work was good – Super busy. I think I did about 14 haircuts and 1 colour in a row.
Debbie and I both cut ourselves once.
Mk was appreciative and we made lots of money for him so that was the best part.

I’m reading a book called “Contemporary Australian feminism”
So far so good – it’s one of those books that I find hard to put down.
Nick is lending me “Women who run with wolves” – similar type of book I think.

Eve. I shake my head.

I need to go and pray.
Support – I love the fact that I was helped through that difficult time. Last night and today.

I want to cry. Scream, laugh, love – do it all. Inside I’m running 1000 miles a minute
Eve. I shake my head still. I told him to go and find him self another “bonking buddy”
Because I couldn’t “bonk” someone I love.
“What do you do then?”
“Make love”
Sorry folks, I once thought I felt love for him but really - I don’t love him now – I don’t really like him – as a person. Great in bed but the irony is that I don’t think it would be that good any more. I know him more now and I don’t like what I see.
It’s just my opinion.
When he was talking to me last night on the phone I could hear girls in the background asking him if he wanted to come out tonight. He said
“Um, I’ll think about it”
There were about two girls that I could hear talking to him. They were the girls who worked there.
So I ask, “Are you going to go out with them?”
“Yeah – I might, I haven’t been out for ages”
CRUNCH – That was my chest getting stood on. I’m not a jealous type. At all – but I thought of someone else with him and I got really hurt.
That’s when I thought – What am I doing?? Of course it’s nice to have someone wanting you. Asking to go out to dinner – passionately kissing, touching your skin….
I shake my head. Of course I wanted to go – I almost did.
What stopped me? – The fact that I had spoken to Kez and Erin about it only hours before and on my own morals after the way he treated me last time – There’s no way I could go back and feel respected.
Dam.
I thought about the fact that he doesn’t care about me, the way he treated me last time we saw each other, I thought about Nick, I thought about God, Kez, Erin, Mk’s daughter – the couples at my church…. And I said no.
He didn’t come in for a haircut today.
Typical.
I’m glad he didn’t.
It didn’t worry me that he didn’t. I’m glad it didn’t bother me.
I hate it but it’s a fact - I still have something for him.
He’s passion. The way he wants me.
The fact he wants me and just has a way to make me melt.
I’m taking Erin’s advice – just stay away. Very far away.
She’s a wise young woman.
I guess I’m struggling with physical desires and my morals, Christian and just the values I hold regardless.

So it is

I need a nap.
Nick from work…makes me smile and today made me double take.
Girly man – he’s great. I have so much respect or him. He talks about his girlriend/ partner and doesn’t try to hit on me! I’m nothing special – I just find I attract men who have wives/ partners etc.
I love the fact he talks about her and it’s nice.
Nick… makes me smile.
He’s a little hard to get to know – we talk and email – he just makes me smile.
I like that.

I’m meant to see Eve tomorrow at work…. Hmmm
I shake my head. There’s no way I would EVER go there again with him. I want respect. I have respect for myself and would rather keep that.
I feel myself getting defensive just thinking about him.
Hmm…. Maybe that’s because I need a nap.
I get so cranky when I need sleep. I was tired today later in the day – I don’t feel like talking or anything – very unusual for someone who usually doesn’t shut up!
I had a headache, sore eyes and I was just tired.
I shouldn’t think of Nick. It’s better just to stay friends. That way we can just continue the way we are.

Early night tonight. I have to go out to cut more hair soon – I better be off. At least doing this has kept me awake.

Maybe silly but Who Cares!!!!

I blushed today. The coordinator of the new voluntary place called me and let a message on my phone. She was saying how she had been in contact with Jack and he gave me a really good reference – “he spoke very highly of you with a wonderful glow” … “I’m really looking forward to getting to know you and pairing you up….”
She sounded really excited and I just thought of Jack giving me a good wrap and him telling someone what sort of person I am and I just got that hot rush to my face.
Jack. I haven’t spoken to him since November last year.
Do I miss him? I’d like to see him again one day have a drink and just catch up but I don’t think I miss him as such – maybe because we cut all ties.
I think of him and smile.
A mutual attraction that never went anywhere.
That’s what makes it nice.

I text Eve the other night after church – I was on such a buzz and I wanted him to go (not with me but with his friends or whoever) to see the team who was worshiping.
I didn’t get a reply but I wasn’t expecting one.
Hours later at 10.45ish that night I get a reply
“can you cut my hair?”
I was surprised. So to cut a long story short I’m cutting his hair on Saturday.
Nothing at all in it and I’m not giving into him.
I think I can handle it, or more so him.
Just to say no.
Easy….yeah? Yeah.

Nick from work… He’s a sweetie. A gem you may say. There’s something that draws me to him. Intrigues me. I like walking into work and talking with them. It’s nice.
In the morning there’s usually me, Girly man and Berni sometimes Nick or this other girl.
It’s nice.

I went for a run/walk today – Damon has taken to digging holes in the backyard being that he’s sooooooo energetic and in a small yard. My brother won’t walk him at the moment like he says he will – yeah, he’s always “gonna” do something. Never happens.
But I felt good today. Very tired and dizzy yesterday but ok today.

Eve. I think I know what he has in mind. Hmmm.
Jack. I’d like to one day see him and have a drink with him.
Nick. Nothing. I don’t want to do anything because – well it’s better to just be friends.

:)) A girl at work was selling chocolates for her nephew’s school. They were really cheap so I brought some. It was a giant frog thing. I don’t eat chocolate but it’s cheap and easy to give away.
We have these exercise books that we write notes in.
I don’t really use mine but the others do. So I get the frog thing and stick it into Nick and Girly mans book – sticky taped the whole page. Very over done of course they can’t get to it with out ripping out the page. I then decided that I’d stick a few of girly mans pages together – I started to giggle while I was doing it and proceeded to then use as much tape as I could and stuck up his whole book together – teehee – I needed a little amusement in my day. I don’t think the girl next to me didn’t think to highly of what I was doing, thinking it was a tad childish maybe...??:) but – Eh – Whatever, I giggle thinking when he picks up the book and can’t open it :)
It’s funny – it’s one of those ya had to be there moments :)
A silly moment and I know that it will make him smile and shake his head :) Heh he

It's all worship :)

If someone told me three years ago that I would go to church twice in one day and intentionally – worshiping God with all my heart, singing, clapping, stamping, waving of arms with a packed full church and loving it – I would of laughed at you.
Now I am so very happy – so complete. Wonderful to worship, pray and have support that God is Great.
I’m so glad I went again tonight – I spoke to the main guy who was leading worship www.transityouth.com and he was so full of the Holy Spirit that it really couldn’t help but rub off.
So beautiful.

The Notebook

Today I brought “The Notebook” I saw this movie when it first came out – I was on the plane on my way to England.
This time I was prepared. A box of tissues and I was alone – sort of.
Damon was with me and I start sniffling and he comes over to play, to see if I’m ok.
He broke the moment.
Great movie. Really beautiful.

I woke up full of energy today – It died after an hour later.

Thea’s coming home on December the 14th. It will be good when she comes back – I have that feeling again – have we grown apart? She’s seeing someone and she didn’t tell me. I’m usually the first person she tells and she tells me EVERYTHING!
I guess I haven’t been to good with the emails and calls.
Being tired is so bad. I can’t be bothered talking to anyone. I don’t want to see anyone because that would take effort and I just haven’t got that at the moment.
Jay tells me to call him – I don’t. I don’t because I can’t be bothered talking to him.
I just get tired. When I’m tired I don’t want to talk and make conversation.
There’s times which are better then others and I’m ok to call people it’s just that since February I haven’t really called anyone. That’s six months of not contacting or seeing anyone.
Sigh.
Work keeps me going but I get to the weekend and really I just have to rest.

A guy kept hinting that all he’s doing for the weekend is watching movies –
“Yeah – I do that every weekend”
“There’s no point putting gel in my hair I’m watching them by myself…”
“Yeah there is at least you can look good while watching T.V”
I wasn’t bitting. He tried some more, telling me how he doesn’t like going anywhere by himself – even shopping – clothes and food!
I tell him that I prefer shopping by myself ! Not having someone wanting to go somewhere else, wanting to leave before you do – really just being a general pain in the ass. Maybe I’ve spent too much time by myself. I don’t really remember going shopping with anyone besides my mum.
Anyway this guy asked me out ages ago and I told him no because “Mk doesn’t like me going out with clients – his very strict like that” –
It’s a nice way to say – sorry but no.

I feel tired. My stomach’s sore, I’m tired and I have a headache. My hormones are all over the place, my chest is still sore, and I want to go watch the notebook again. Without Damon.

I had a cigarette today. Didn’t do anything for my state of mind at the moment.
I was annoyed at myself – “missy” Mk’s 10year old daughter was standing there and I forgot that she hadn’t seen me smoke before. I didn’t think anything of it until she says to me later “why did you start smoking?” I felt terrible.
“I don’t really only occasionally –“
“Once you start you can’t stop”
Her 12-year-old brother looks around and I just think – why did I do that??
How can you tell a 10 year old that when you just don’t care and your sick of – everything…. You just don’t care.
I couldn’t finish the whole ciggerette due to head spins and feeling sick – but oh well.

Season 4

I finished watching M*A*S*H season 2 and 3 I went to put in 4 and I don’t have it!
I thought I did! I have two or three episodes on video.
So off today to find season 4. It’s funny, when I found out I thought what am I doing to do for the weekend??!
I went back to reading the Christian books and my guitar.
I’ve been sleeping heaps but for the past few days I’ve been feeling good :)
It’s been really cold and raining but I’m not so tired so I thank God for that!

What's that you want a stepford wife???

Yesterday I was going to post that I’m feeling rather “insulated” and feeling a little too “insulated”.
But I didn’t. Why? Because I figure that I’m lucky that I’m keeping my immune system on the stronger side and I’m feeling happy.
Tonight my “father” comes around. Now we are on talking terms as he gave me some money for my birthday and we have sort of being “speaking” terms.

Today I got dressed up to go to work because I’ve been wearing the same pants and just different tops. So being that I was meeting Fi after work today I decided to wear my outfit I brought from the op shop. This was a just below the knee checked red skirt, black stockings and my beloved boots. I had my purple top on and my nice brown jacket over the top. I felt nice. I got complemented on my skirt and my jacket so I was feeling nice.
Then tonight I was standing up ironing a skirt for tomorrow and my father looks at me then pipes up – “Do you do any sport any more?”
I shake my head “Nah – all I do at the moment is work and sleep I’m usually in bed at 6 or 7 o’clock and asleep by 8, because I had Glandular Fever I can’t do anything. I get to tired.”
“Do you diet?”
“ Oh No, no”
“You should”
“What??!!”
“You’re carrying around a fair bit of weight there”
“What the F*#K YOU! Screw YOU!” I was shocked that he would say that!
“F*#K! –“ I go on – shocked but angry that he would even say that! “Gee - I’m glad that I’m not superficial and materialistic! Take a look at yourself before you start to prod your stick at anyone else! GOD! Look at yourself!”
Then He didn’t stop!! My brother was just as shocked as I was! And he starts saying –“You can’t say that!” looking bewildered at the father (arr the modern man) just as the moron father continues with “you don’t look fit, you need to loose weight – you look like you need to”
OH MY GOD!! He didn’t know when to stop!
I just shake my head. Hear I am – previously feeling frumpy but keeping it to myself because that sort of thing is just something I try not to think about because of – well a lot of things but he then comes in and SAYS THAT!!!!! OMG!
I was feeling a little down because I hadn’t been feeling “nice” as such so I dress up, feel good, have a good day and this is what the moron says!!!
No complements. Just that! OMG!
Now I’m feeling – annoyed. (He came out to say goodbye – I think Brother worded him up that you never say that to any woman. So he says, “see ya later I’m going now,” I say “Yeah maybe next time I would have lost 50 kilos!”
“I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just that you use to ride your bike a lot”
“Yes you did mean it like that” I say unimpressed at his attempt to save himself.)
I told him why I don’t do anything, How I have no energy – and he still comes out with that! I shake my head. I mean this is from a man who said he married my mum because she would cook, clean and Iron. The typical stereotype woman. A step ford wife you might say.
He thinks and want’s woman to look like a model type body, should cook, clean, iron not speak up and state their opinion. He’s trapped in old school!It's no wonder the marriage to my mum didn't work out - He's a moron!
I told him – I hate cooking, cleaning and ironing – men should do it all themselves!
I can be loud, I state my opinion and I will fight for justice.
I am considered to be some sort of feminist – but really I’m not.
I will listen to others, will not judge or form my opinion of anyone because of what others might say. I will mow the grass my brother will vacuum the house.
Women are not just meant to be pretty looking incubators! Not meant to keep the peace in families and fluff up their hair!
Raaarrr!
I’m angry! How could I be related to this stereotypical, pomps man!
OMG!
He got married so he could have a slave! OMG!
I’M SO ANGRY!!!
He didn’t say that I looked nice – he didn’t say how do you feel – Just go loose some weight because I look like I need to! Start a diet - !!!
Well I say F**K YOU AND F**K YOUR DIET!
It obvious that he has missed out on MANY YEARS of my life.
My brother would ask occasionally “Do you drink a lot of Beer?”
To I would reply “Yeah, sometimes” he would then not say anything and just look at me. GOD! I don’t care for their opinions – I really don’t, It’s more that I think they are dicks for saying that and proves my opinion of them when they say that.
I mean my brother is pretty good like that – over the years he knows that you just can’t say that so he really doesn’t.
My father on the other hand is a toss and this just proves it.
F**K he couldn’t even say I looked nice.
For someone who doesn’t care for his opinion I sure can write about it.
Just saying that, I think I’ve dug to far into the underlying reason to why I’m angry.
He couldn’t even say I look nice. It puts a lump in my throat and a frown on my face.
I think to myself, I’ve had no complaints from Jack, Top Hat, Eve, Gareth,George, the married man and the other guy who gave me his number yesterday.
I just feel – sad and upset that – I felt nice today/tonight, I’ve got a new out fit on and I’m feeling happy again (not so tired) and I don’t get anything but
“You look like you could loose some weight”
Don’t I look nice???
My brother told my mum. He said that he felt really nervous when he was saying all this.
I see what that toss of a "father" does to him and I'm annoyed that I retaliated in the way I did. I let it show that I was mad.
Mum kicked into safety mode and she called me.
I love my mum. She’s really fantastic. She’s on loudspeaker at the moment talking to me while I’m sitting in my bed typing.
I really love my mum. Thank God for my Mum.

One hour and ten minutes later – I’m back feeling happy again.
Mum and I had a good laugh at work and just spoke about what happened – I’m glad I’ve got her – she knows what he’s like and we both see exactly what he is.
So now I’ve had a good laugh, I'm tired and I’m off to bed.
Goodnight :))

Please - RELAX!

Today I was told by a guy from work that I reminded him of Phoebe from the TV series “Friends” !!! LOL!
He said it was a good thing as she was his favourite character.
”Great! So your telling me that I look like a ditzy blonde!”
Everyone laughed as he tried to redeem himself.
A little latter I was putting on a little makeup and I said
“I’m having a bad face day”
He spun around laughing “That’s what I mean!”
I just laughed. Today wasn’t busy. It was really quite good.
We all talked and laughed most of the day.
It was good :)

I was shaving this guys head at work tonight – Mk and Deb had told me he was interested in me last week – hence this week I knew what may have been coming.
I told him that I’m just not interested in relationships at the moment, All I have time or is work,work, work and sleep. I don’t get out and I have a 8pm curfew.
Blah, blah,blah and in the end he STILL gave me his card!
OMG! Dohhhh!
No sparks, not interested.
I don’t know – Why can’t guys just chill out?!
This guy was really nervous just talking to me. He’s about 36 or 37 has a 15 year old and a 10 year old. Both girls.
I want someone who I can just relax with. Not feel like they are watching what they are saying, feeling edgey, not being themselves – I’m usually pretty good.
I can drool, spill food on myself, say the wrong thing and just be me.
At least with Eve I didn’t have to try. It just felt easy.
Shame.
I’ve changed from when I met jack, I’ve changed from when I first started to see Eve to now. I mean it’s all life experience and I’m glad I have that :)

a brighter day

Today I felt good.
It was the best I’ve felt for ages!
I took Damon for a walk but it started raining – I put him in a rain coat (bright Yellow) and got laughed at – He did look very cute.


Travel.
I’m going to get some money behind me soon-ish and be on my way to seeing a light into my travel plans.
I’m still not sure what to do about my car….

I’m sussing out a guy at work who wants to go overseas and thought he could do a part travel with me.
Just a thought.

Gee it’s cold.
There's some people at work that think I'm very innocent. They just think I'm straight and narrow I guess.... I smile to myself.
Heh heh.
I don't bad mouth anyone at work or the staff who work for us.
I think that might be why one of them thought that. The other one just doesn't think that I would do anything "rude" or think or talk "rude".
Again I shyly smile. heh heh :)
What sparked this is one woman didn't want to pass on a "dirty" email to me saying "I don't think you'd probably think it's funny"
It was amusing - a little crass but I thought girly man would get a kick out of it so I forwarded it on to him. He said "Addmittly I was a little suprised you sent that"
Hehehe.
I’m going to have a glass of Red wine. Mmmm.
Then go watch more M*A*S*H :)

Pass a pillow

So I come home from work and go to bed. I wake up eat dinner go on the computer and go back to bed. Yep – this is my life.
I asked a girl at work today how her weekend was (she had glandular fever about a month ago) and she said that she slept for 12 hours yesterday.
I felt relieved – she to is as tired as me!
We shared notes and figured it’s just time. She’s got her Boyfriend so I guess that’s a bonus for her – she’s not alone as such.
I’m FREEZING! It’s soooo cold! It’s been really dry this winter and most of the snow is man made not that I would actually go there!

I think I need to go back to bed now. It’s 6.50pm – Oh dear.
Back to M*A*S*H I go and try to stay awake untill about 8pm.

Geez.
To top things off i've got really sore boobs.
Why? maybe the meds - the married guy at work today came up behimd me and gave me a hug - not intentionally touching my chest over my jacket but he did and I thought - OW! It even hurts to lie on my stomach in bed!
Oh my God! It hurts to wear a bra! This is just great!
Just another joy of being a woman.
I'm going to put a heat pack on them. Great.

My weekend

Damon lies with his little (big) head on my leg. He’s a cutie. I took him out for a 20-minute walk today – It was all I could muster up in energy.
I think my body works during the week gets me from day to day so that when the weekend comes I have to take time out and just do nothing.
Today was bad. I lay in bad all day – no church in the morning. I fell asleep numerous times and slept on and off all day. I woke up at 4.30pm and went and got dinner then went to church because I was feeling really good. Then Ten minutes before the end of the service and I’m yawning tired again. Before I went I had orange juice and lots of Ribena. So lots of sugar.
Maybe I just need to consume lots and lots of sugar to make me feel part back to normal – at least for a few hours!
George popped round again today – I smile. There’s no way I would ever get together with him but his good to chat with.

I walked into a door today in the morning when I was half asleep and whacked my eye on the door! God! That really hurt!!!lol!
It wouldn’t hurt so much if it was the other side because there’s tissue-covering bone but on my left eye there’s not much there! Same as my cheekbones. I was terrified that a ball would hit me in the face or something and it would hurt!

At church tonight I saw the couples holding hands, leaning over and whispering in each other’s ears. Wrapping the other in a hug because they want to.
Made me think of Eve. Yeah. That’s never going to happen. There was a small want for what they have but I just have to keep thinking A) I’m not wanting a relationship B) I don’t get out enough to see anyone.
I’m lacking in the social life department. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I had never had a social life and didn’t like going out but I did and loved it. Now I miss it.

The service was good talking about relationships between friends, boyfriends/girlfriends.
It just reminded me of how I should get back into life – Until I felt to tired to think about that and I went home.

I’ll try and stick to mornings.

M*A*S*H rehab

I’m trying to stay awake.
It’s 7pm on a Saturday night. I’m wanting to go to sleep but I’m fighting it.

Work today was good – very busy. Deb was telling me about some guy who wanted to ask me out. Mark told me about him last week but I didn’t believe him.
Deb told me who he was and I remember the one. He’s about 38ish has three kids, he’s a chef and supposedly he want’s to cook me dinner.
Grreeat. Heh.

I decided to look at some profiles on R.S.V.P – I told my brother to go on it and lot’s of people go on it.
There’s a lot of nice looking guys who sound genuine - I don’t want a relationship hence I wouldn’t go on it but I think by going on that means your just putting yourself out there and that’s great. It’s quality as well as quantity.
There’s heaps!
Anyway – I better run off M*A*S*H awaits…..
Sound familiar? This is what I did last weekend.
I don’t mind it I’m to tired to go out or do anything else.

Please God!!! I want to be able to have a life!!!!!

The End of that Chapter in my little book of life

I think – In fact I’m 99.9% sure that Eve is no more.
I’m not going to see him and if he wants to come and see me then well – At the moment I’m thinking I have a lot of self respect. More then I think he will ever give credit to. Now – Nah – I’m not going back there. It’s really not worth it.
I’d rather walk out with my self respect and knowing when to leave it.
Yea!!! :)
This is a good thing. I realised it last week but knew it all along. You know that feeling when you just “know” when things aren’t meant to work out.
I have that feeling all the time but knew from the very start what it was going to be like with Eve.
Now what? Well this past week has opened my eyes up to a lot of things.
Seeing George , Eve and having a conversation with a woman from work who was needing some Christian support – It’s helped me to really get over Eve once and or all. No I’m not going back there. No matter how much he begs and pleades – (yes he did that) - I would rather have walk out on a good note which we have now done. (I text him last night) So I can now walk away.
:)

Today

Today I’m tired. Two late nights in a row and I’m stuffed.
I get very grumpy and have no patience when I’m tired.
The woman I’m trying to understand – asked me a question and I know she tactless but Because I was tired I just pointed out HOW the problem happened – I shouldn’t have said it in the way I did and she didn’t care but I was annoyed that I gave in to her tactless manner. She is a nice woman I just need to remember that and be more tolerating.
I was so tired that I felt like I was drunk. I swayed when I was standing still and drove through a red light on the way home with out realising it till I was already through it.

Also thanks to Eve I felt unsettled. Upset. I’ve had a bad run with men.
They either “forget” to tell me they are married or have a partner and I’ve been lead on. Now Eve.
I sure can pick them!

WHAT THE #@$%^^@#!!!!!!

So I did end up going to see Eve.
He said all the right things and 20 or more texts later and five phone calls I went over.

He did it again.
I went back over tonight and he was being a prick. Didn’t get up to say hello, no kiss nothing. He was tired. I wanted to go or a walk. Anyway to cut a long story short – He was giving me the shits.
When he opened his computer to look on Ebay that was the last straw.
“I’m going home”
“What??! No you aren’t” surprised yet really thinking I wouldn’t.
“Yeah – I am.” I pick up my bag and head to the door
“NO your not” he said a little jokingly and really still thinking I’m not going.
“Bye” - I stop and turn around to look at him. He’s looking at me.
“Your not really going” he was looking a little half jokingly half trying to see I was serious.
“”Bye” I walk out.
I was soooo annoyed. I drove there believed what he said last night and all for what?!
Whatever.
When he realised that I wasn’t coming back and I was very serious he sent me a text “I was tired that’s all and needed a rest”
Whatever.
You know what – WHATEVER!!!!
I’m over that crap. Way over it.
I’m angry. I guess I’m a little upset underneath it all. Yeah. That’s it.
He just said all those things to get me to have sex with him.
And stupid me believed him!!!!
I even told him that he’s only saying it so I would come over – he said no it’s not just that – WHATEVER!!!!
GOD! I’m such an IDIOT!!!!!
Grrrr.
HA. He didn’t think I was serious. HA.
Dam straight I’m serious!
I’m not going to stay with someone when they open their computer and treat me like shit.
WHATEVER.
Really just go and love your little lap top and enjoy being alone. If I irritate you then don’t waste my time and get me to come around just so you can ignore me and not even get up to say hello. Then not want any contact and when I don’t you start to look or the attention THEN you Ignore me by opening up your computer and telling me I’m getting annoying ! Needless to say you were the one prodding me and irritating me only moments before that!!!
Then you don’t think I’d leave???!!! HA!
HA! Not leave after that!!!
FUCK THAT.

I sent a message “Why did I even bother coming around tonight”
He wasn't like this, this morning!
I didn’t respond to his last two or three texts.
Good bye.

HA!

Running – does a lot for the state of mind.
Even if everything that’s not meant to jiggle – jiggles and I walk a lot.
Tonight I recoloured my hair, brought treatments or it and blow waved it.

I’m feeling happier. I - …
LOL!!!!
I’m just thinking how I’ve got myself over Eve and starting to feel happier and then – He just sends a text – I was telling Deb on Saturday that I didn’t expect him to call until this week – when he’s back by himself.
Ha! I knew he would do this!

My Ex boyfriend George is coming in to get his hair cut tomorrow.
I text him and he called me.
We spoke on the phone for quite awhile - I’m looking forward to seeing him.
He’s never had a girlfriend since me. He’s not interested.
There’s no attraction now. Nothing but he’s good to talk to once in awhile.
Heh – we found ourselves giggling about something we just found funny and it reminded me of happy times. Good memories but just that :)

Eve – doesn’t care about me – I MUST KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF THAT!!!!!
Makes it eaiser to say no.

Just when ya think it's over...

I wake up and I feel like I can do anything! Go rock climbing (indoor), go for a walk, completely clean my room – I feel like I can do anything.
The feeling lasted about an hour and a half – by the time church was over I was feeling tired half an hour after that – I’m struggling to stay awake.
1pm I’m in my room watching M*A*S*H 2pm I fall asleep till now 4.20pm.
I’m exhausted. I want to shower and make my bed with fresh sheets and go back to M*A*S*H. Instead I told Bec that I would go see her tonight.
She asked me over – I knew I’d be tired that’s why I don’t go to church at night. I can’t stay awake!
I thought I was on the mend. Today just reminds me that if I were back to “normal” I wouldn’t need my “nanna naps” during the day and my Saturday night wouldn’t end with me going to bed at 7.30pm or 8 pm.
Humple.
The medication is making me feel a little sick. A side effect. I just have to put up with it. Blah. A part of me wants Eve :(

Welcome to the CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.



Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said, "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."