To "Eve" This is who I am...if you decide to drop by...
Ok. I'm going to have to recap the past month.
I have had some amazing and some not so amazing experiences.
I...Well lets just say I met this guy "Eve" - all up lasted about three weeks. If ya get my drift. He's a Christian with a conscious. I guess that's a good thing.
He read my journal and thinks I'm a "Man hater" ( his words not mine) and that was the end of that.
Did I fall for him?
Yeah. A bit. I tried not to but ya know... How many times can you "see" someone and
not feel something besides uttermost pleasure.
I'm not really ashamed or guilty more just concerned about his thoughts towards me.
I don't know what he thinks, and he didn't tell me.
I feel a little upset because if he had decided to get to know who I am he would have maybe realised why I feel the way I do.
And maybe I'm not the person who he thinks I may be.
He read my journal, (It was lying on the coffee table as I hadn't put it away from the night before, brother was not around so I just hadn't put it away as yet)
- "Eve" in a way got to know a part of me and my thoughts that were about him. The fact that I wrote that "last time we saw each other I did feel something." Emotions were stirred.
Once I realised what he read. I felt venerable. So so so very venerable.
I hate that.
He knew how I felt yet I was no closer to knowing his last name neverless how he felt!
I tell myself to move on. He doesn't care, and maybe that's true.
But I guess there wasn't much time for getting to know each other... Things kinda happened in such a whirlewind.
I smile now. He asked a question.
"Do you think your moody?"
"No, not overly"
Show me a woman who's not!?? I smile at this because I don't think I'm that bad
without good reason.
I think I freaked him out with my journal entry that I was full of hate and anger which at that point in time I was. I wrote that entry on Christmas night.
Christmas was ok. Well my Christmas was more Christmas eve.
The actual Christmas day consisted of the yearly argument from my brother and his put downs, Christmas lunch was with an old bag of a woman whom disliked everything I said, and as I have had the foot in mouth problem she wasn't to understanding but let's not go there.
The argument with my brother just really got to me.It does at times and this was one of those times. I think everyone has a breaking point.
My father- he doesn't want us. Recently at my cousins wedding that I went to - He had actually said that he didn't want us their.
I was not told this until the night we had to go and I was furious that I had agreed to go.
He DIDN"T WANT US THERE!!!!!
Why the hell go??!!!! Just because my brother is sponging for his love and wants a "Family". I was so angry but decided to be the mature one and still go.
I'm going off on a tangent but I've decided to run with it. As I'm deciding weather I give this address to Matt or not.
I'm in two minds about it. But I don't like that fact that he's walking away thinking that I'm a man hater. When I have dam good reason to be but I think I may be misunderstood.
Take Jack. Now there's someone who broke a thousand promises to me. Led me on and only to then find out, that hey - he had a GIRLFRIEND!!!!And he still had her when I found out! BAM! Take out my heart and step on it!
Then another person of interest - Dale - I get led on and HE has a GIRLFRIEND TOO!!!!!
Male friends who say one thing but do another. All let me down.
I'm not by any means saying I'm perfect and don't do this but if I have to break my word - I feel beyond guilt!
Sigh.
Sorry let's stop that tangent and get to today.
Last night New Years Eve I stayed at home and didn't go out. I loved it.
It was my first weekend off in six months and I was nursing a head cold.
I woke up for about and hour ate rice and Kan Tong sauce for Breakfast as I was out of cereal then my day was sleeping on and off, playing my guitar and a bit of reading.
I was mostly re reading what Matt read in my journal that I didn't particularly want him to read but he did. I don't like what I wrote. But I did write it.
The words that stand out would be "he can...get fucked"
and "He doesn't care" - admittly I was drunk when I wrote it and not in the right state of mind.I mean it was Christmas night and it wasn't really a happy time for me being that I copped the third degree from a brother as was told that pretty much I was a "horrible bitch" (being the nice of it) and was made to feel like I was a piece of shit - How's that on Christmas? All because I didn't want to wish a "Merry Christmas" to a father who doesn't want me??
I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. How come I'm the one who gets to feel like crap???!
Blah.
This is way to much information - but you know what - I don't care.
I'm sober and a little tired but I need to get this off my chest.
My drunken Uncle said to me at the wedding "you know I'm always hear for you"
HUH???
I felt like saying I'm sorry, what's your name again? Whatever.
So this brings me today - again.
I've been thinking about my ex a lot lately.He was pritty good. A part of him loved me. He realized that when it was to late.
I don't particularly want to see him.
Steve an old friend of mine and my ex's is in a photo on my wall which I look at and think of him and again today I was looking at it and thought I must go see him.
So I go to my church and only to get there and it's not on.
New Years day and no service.
So I drive around and check out other churches that seem not to be on or catholic. Not going there again!
So I ask God, Where do you want me to go?
I'll go see Steve.
So off I go. I get there and he's not home. I'm greeted my his cousin who looks very surprised to see a girl on the doorstep.
He tells me that Steve has gone away to Thailand and will be back in two weeks.
"Oh, ok"
"Would you like to come in?"
"Yeah, why not"
I never met him before but he looks like a miniature Steve and we have a drink and start talking.
I'm wondering why God wants me hear?
Ten or fifteen minutes later his phone rings.
He takes the call. He's sounding concerned. There sounds like there's a problem.
Somethings wrong.
"Yeah...Oh..Well call me when you know"
"Something wrong?"
"It's Steve"
My heart stops. Then it starts to thump. I can hear it.
The blood is running through my veins, pumping 100 miles a minute.
I feel my face get extremely hot. I sit bolt upright, up a lump was in my throat tears welled in my eyes and all this happened in about 2 or 3 seconds.
"what"
"He's in hospital and he's not responding to treatment...The doctors have done all they can...They don't hold much hope."
(It gives me shivers now just thinking about it, this was Steves reaction to peanuts. He's heart once stopped for 4 minutes with the reaction)
I close my eyes and pray and God I pray out loud that he doesn't take Steve and to give him back his life. To spare him.
I didn't care what this Guy thought of me I had to pray.
It's hard to go back to general chit chat with someone you don't know after hearing news like that.
We managed to but I went to the bathroom, I had to pray. I came back out and still while we talked I prayed. Half an hour later he gets a phone call.
The silence is the worst thing.
He gets off.
"He's responding and he's breathing on his own again."
"Oh thank God!"
We got talking and I was going to leave but felt the need to stay so I stayed for another two hours. We talked and it turns out that he's a Christian and in a bit of a rut. We talk about Steve.
So I ask if he wants to pray for him and he did.
So I prayed for Steve and also for Sam (his cousin) and I can tell you that I really felt God working tonight.
I went form feeling like a numbness thinking that maybe I am a heartless bitch to being swept up in love.
Remembering Love and what it feels like. To have Steve stay with us and the wave of love I felt knowing that he was going to be ok.
I don't have a thing for Steve at all. I guess I know his history and have a little soft spot for him as I love a friend.
So I left the house feeling like I had been put in the wash and wrung out. But I was on a high. The whole night just seemed like Gods hand was at work.
I drove to my mums and that's where I am now.
I want to see Steve. Hug him and just feel that he's alive and still hear with us.
Now this all sounds a little preachy but it's the truth.
Now I sit hear and think how lucky I am.
I thought about Bec and how this was another Christmas and New Year gone with out her. I may feel these emotions but at least I'm alive to be able to feel them.
She's not.
I feel better now that I have blogged.
Sound strange but I missed blogging. I've gone back to writing in a journal. It's ok but just not the same. I'm looking into getting a laptop in the next four weeks or so. So the next update won't be for about three or four weeks. I'll have to save for it.
Oh! Something else - I brought a car! I've had it for a little over two weeks now, It's a Toyota Avalon 04 and it's only done 38,000 km.
It's nice to have a reliable car with air con.
I want to see Steve.
I have had some amazing and some not so amazing experiences.
I...Well lets just say I met this guy "Eve" - all up lasted about three weeks. If ya get my drift. He's a Christian with a conscious. I guess that's a good thing.
He read my journal and thinks I'm a "Man hater" ( his words not mine) and that was the end of that.
Did I fall for him?
Yeah. A bit. I tried not to but ya know... How many times can you "see" someone and
not feel something besides uttermost pleasure.
I'm not really ashamed or guilty more just concerned about his thoughts towards me.
I don't know what he thinks, and he didn't tell me.
I feel a little upset because if he had decided to get to know who I am he would have maybe realised why I feel the way I do.
And maybe I'm not the person who he thinks I may be.
He read my journal, (It was lying on the coffee table as I hadn't put it away from the night before, brother was not around so I just hadn't put it away as yet)
- "Eve" in a way got to know a part of me and my thoughts that were about him. The fact that I wrote that "last time we saw each other I did feel something." Emotions were stirred.
Once I realised what he read. I felt venerable. So so so very venerable.
I hate that.
He knew how I felt yet I was no closer to knowing his last name neverless how he felt!
I tell myself to move on. He doesn't care, and maybe that's true.
But I guess there wasn't much time for getting to know each other... Things kinda happened in such a whirlewind.
I smile now. He asked a question.
"Do you think your moody?"
"No, not overly"
Show me a woman who's not!?? I smile at this because I don't think I'm that bad
without good reason.
I think I freaked him out with my journal entry that I was full of hate and anger which at that point in time I was. I wrote that entry on Christmas night.
Christmas was ok. Well my Christmas was more Christmas eve.
The actual Christmas day consisted of the yearly argument from my brother and his put downs, Christmas lunch was with an old bag of a woman whom disliked everything I said, and as I have had the foot in mouth problem she wasn't to understanding but let's not go there.
The argument with my brother just really got to me.It does at times and this was one of those times. I think everyone has a breaking point.
My father- he doesn't want us. Recently at my cousins wedding that I went to - He had actually said that he didn't want us their.
I was not told this until the night we had to go and I was furious that I had agreed to go.
He DIDN"T WANT US THERE!!!!!
Why the hell go??!!!! Just because my brother is sponging for his love and wants a "Family". I was so angry but decided to be the mature one and still go.
I'm going off on a tangent but I've decided to run with it. As I'm deciding weather I give this address to Matt or not.
I'm in two minds about it. But I don't like that fact that he's walking away thinking that I'm a man hater. When I have dam good reason to be but I think I may be misunderstood.
Take Jack. Now there's someone who broke a thousand promises to me. Led me on and only to then find out, that hey - he had a GIRLFRIEND!!!!And he still had her when I found out! BAM! Take out my heart and step on it!
Then another person of interest - Dale - I get led on and HE has a GIRLFRIEND TOO!!!!!
Male friends who say one thing but do another. All let me down.
I'm not by any means saying I'm perfect and don't do this but if I have to break my word - I feel beyond guilt!
Sigh.
Sorry let's stop that tangent and get to today.
Last night New Years Eve I stayed at home and didn't go out. I loved it.
It was my first weekend off in six months and I was nursing a head cold.
I woke up for about and hour ate rice and Kan Tong sauce for Breakfast as I was out of cereal then my day was sleeping on and off, playing my guitar and a bit of reading.
I was mostly re reading what Matt read in my journal that I didn't particularly want him to read but he did. I don't like what I wrote. But I did write it.
The words that stand out would be "he can...get fucked"
and "He doesn't care" - admittly I was drunk when I wrote it and not in the right state of mind.I mean it was Christmas night and it wasn't really a happy time for me being that I copped the third degree from a brother as was told that pretty much I was a "horrible bitch" (being the nice of it) and was made to feel like I was a piece of shit - How's that on Christmas? All because I didn't want to wish a "Merry Christmas" to a father who doesn't want me??
I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. How come I'm the one who gets to feel like crap???!
Blah.
This is way to much information - but you know what - I don't care.
I'm sober and a little tired but I need to get this off my chest.
My drunken Uncle said to me at the wedding "you know I'm always hear for you"
HUH???
I felt like saying I'm sorry, what's your name again? Whatever.
So this brings me today - again.
I've been thinking about my ex a lot lately.He was pritty good. A part of him loved me. He realized that when it was to late.
I don't particularly want to see him.
Steve an old friend of mine and my ex's is in a photo on my wall which I look at and think of him and again today I was looking at it and thought I must go see him.
So I go to my church and only to get there and it's not on.
New Years day and no service.
So I drive around and check out other churches that seem not to be on or catholic. Not going there again!
So I ask God, Where do you want me to go?
I'll go see Steve.
So off I go. I get there and he's not home. I'm greeted my his cousin who looks very surprised to see a girl on the doorstep.
He tells me that Steve has gone away to Thailand and will be back in two weeks.
"Oh, ok"
"Would you like to come in?"
"Yeah, why not"
I never met him before but he looks like a miniature Steve and we have a drink and start talking.
I'm wondering why God wants me hear?
Ten or fifteen minutes later his phone rings.
He takes the call. He's sounding concerned. There sounds like there's a problem.
Somethings wrong.
"Yeah...Oh..Well call me when you know"
"Something wrong?"
"It's Steve"
My heart stops. Then it starts to thump. I can hear it.
The blood is running through my veins, pumping 100 miles a minute.
I feel my face get extremely hot. I sit bolt upright, up a lump was in my throat tears welled in my eyes and all this happened in about 2 or 3 seconds.
"what"
"He's in hospital and he's not responding to treatment...The doctors have done all they can...They don't hold much hope."
(It gives me shivers now just thinking about it, this was Steves reaction to peanuts. He's heart once stopped for 4 minutes with the reaction)
I close my eyes and pray and God I pray out loud that he doesn't take Steve and to give him back his life. To spare him.
I didn't care what this Guy thought of me I had to pray.
It's hard to go back to general chit chat with someone you don't know after hearing news like that.
We managed to but I went to the bathroom, I had to pray. I came back out and still while we talked I prayed. Half an hour later he gets a phone call.
The silence is the worst thing.
He gets off.
"He's responding and he's breathing on his own again."
"Oh thank God!"
We got talking and I was going to leave but felt the need to stay so I stayed for another two hours. We talked and it turns out that he's a Christian and in a bit of a rut. We talk about Steve.
So I ask if he wants to pray for him and he did.
So I prayed for Steve and also for Sam (his cousin) and I can tell you that I really felt God working tonight.
I went form feeling like a numbness thinking that maybe I am a heartless bitch to being swept up in love.
Remembering Love and what it feels like. To have Steve stay with us and the wave of love I felt knowing that he was going to be ok.
I don't have a thing for Steve at all. I guess I know his history and have a little soft spot for him as I love a friend.
So I left the house feeling like I had been put in the wash and wrung out. But I was on a high. The whole night just seemed like Gods hand was at work.
I drove to my mums and that's where I am now.
I want to see Steve. Hug him and just feel that he's alive and still hear with us.
Now this all sounds a little preachy but it's the truth.
Now I sit hear and think how lucky I am.
I thought about Bec and how this was another Christmas and New Year gone with out her. I may feel these emotions but at least I'm alive to be able to feel them.
She's not.
I feel better now that I have blogged.
Sound strange but I missed blogging. I've gone back to writing in a journal. It's ok but just not the same. I'm looking into getting a laptop in the next four weeks or so. So the next update won't be for about three or four weeks. I'll have to save for it.
Oh! Something else - I brought a car! I've had it for a little over two weeks now, It's a Toyota Avalon 04 and it's only done 38,000 km.
It's nice to have a reliable car with air con.
I want to see Steve.
posted by kaz at 11:59 PM
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