Stupid day

Is it stupid that I feel like I have hit rock bottom? That I have been thinking how I have become the way I have?
Sigh.
I’ve had one of those days. It’s lasted about two weeks now but it’s come to a head today.
I’ve been doing a little soul searching I guess you could say.
Why I am the way I am.
Why I try and get males to not like me when I feel like they have come close to me.
What I mean is Eve – I was rude and blunt. I knew what I was doing but figured it was better this way because I know he won’t like me. Hell I hated me.
Rusty the 22 year old who was starting to call most days – When I ignored all his attempts and he still wanted to see me. Then I found that I was thinking about what to say to turn him off any thought of me. I hated the thoughts.
It’s pretty much being the opposite of me. Not caring about anything he said, changing topic, Sounding totally self absorbed and uninterested in anything he said.
It makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.

I’m upset. A small lump has resided in my throat and I know that I’m not going to cry.
I want to. I really do. I want to sob myself to sleep just so I can wake up and have that feeling that you’ve got it all out and you feel better.
I can’t do it.
I just can’t.

I play my guitar. Ahh… “josh” takes my mind away from my thoughts for awhile and I love it.
I need to run. That always helps ut I’ve been sick, tired but I may go tomorrow morning.

Lying in bed I feel like I – for the first time in a very very long time want someone lying next to me with their hand on my side touching my skin – but hears my problem.
I don’t know if anyone who is the person who will ever do that would really actually care about me. Insecurity…maybe – can you blame me???!!!
I will always be waiting for the day they walk out the door.
Waking up every day thinking maybe today’s the day. That’s it. Had enough. To hard. Maybe he’s over me now.
Sigh.

Tuesday 10th 9.45 pm