long rambelings on my non existant relaionship brain!

I went to the river yesterday. A group o us were meeting up at various times.
I met Yoshi there.
I didn’t want to kiss him. I don’t know. I just kinda …..
Well hear it is. He’s nice, not all that confident around girls….
We flirted a little but I could feel myself just being … I dunno.
I didn’t kiss him when we met up. Strike 1 – I usually do to everyone it’s not really even a kiss it’s just like a cheek thing – like what Italians do.
That sort of, I guess changed things. Because I didn’t want to lead him on I didn’t really flirt with him a lot. It use to come REALLY easy – at times I didn’t realise I was! Theas the same. But I thought about it to much and I guess what it was, was that deep down I’ve got serious issues. I don’t really like men.
I’m treating them as objects.
I mean I like some just not the ones who seem to take an interest in me.
I like the ones who I’m friends with and know I’ll never go out with them.
So anyway I left and gave Yosh a hug an a kiss on the cheek goodbye.
“I’ll see you soon”
I just thought ahhh…. “yeeaahh….possibility”
“ok”
I spoke to Thea and her now Boyfriend “Parks” about it. They kept saying it was fear and I should just do it but I know – really I know that, it’s not going to go anywhere so why lead the guy on.
I was lying in bed, hating the fact that I should of just told him at the river that I wasn’t interested but I was stuck in two hard spots. I kinda like the guy but then I squash any feelings because I don’t like men as general – not EVERYone just in general.
(I said something to Jas once – he replied with “Hey, I have feelings too you know”
I don’t remember what I said but I remember it was a little harsh and I just thought – Whatever! See this is where I’m at! I don’t like it and I cant’ stop it!)
So I’m lying in bed and I send a text to him.
“Hey yosh,- my head space with males isn’t really all that great at the moment. It’s probably easier to maybe keep it friends (with occasional drunk benefits:) )
You’re a great guy – hence I know I wouldn’t be the type of person I wish I could be…anyhow – see you again when we do xkaz”
I just figured it was nice and to the point. It was honest.
I know it’s not good but I can’t help it. He replied with
“thank you, I think you’re great too, I hope you know you could make any mans dream come true, you just need the man that makes you happy that you deserve but in the meantime you can have the benefits in a friendship with me if you like”
I told him I’d like that.
So I was glad I was honest and didn’t lead him on.
The guy for now would be – confident – be able to carry on a conversation with me then if the conversation goes well he just goes right ahead and kisses me.
It’s just confidence. If I knew that someone liked me and it was just the two of us around or something I’d sus out the person then just kiss them!
I guess that’s attraction.
Hmmm. Even though Jack is an ass – I still remember the first kiss he gave me. Lol!
I returned it of course then The first thing I say is “ that was unexpected” turn around and walk off!!! This is a guy who I really had a crush on and I did that! Oh well- it was for the best.
Then Eve – he’s kiss. We were on the couch – nothing was meant to happen but then it just did. About 10minutes (if that!) later Desire/ passion/ hunger exploded like a bomb and we couldn’t stop! It was awesome!
I guess the difference is that hear is something I knew wouldn’t last so I didn’t care and it was all desire and lust.

I don’t know.
Confidence just to make the move.
Put his arm around me – mind you this is only if he feels the vibes and knows it’s a mutual thing.
I felt like such a stupid schoolgirl. I just really didn’t want to do anything with him.
So I didn’t.
If I want something I try and get it. But usually it’s something I want for now not the future. Cos in the future I don’t really want anyone.
This too is my problem. I know people say it happens when you least expect it but what about when you just don’t want it? You refuse/decline and turn off. You don’t allow anyone to get to know you because you don’t want them to…know much…. or too much….
That’s me! I just find that I’d prefer to be single.

There’s a guy who has asked me out to drinks two or three and I decline because he cheated on his girlfriend – (I don’t care if it was a semi open relationship!) Kissing someone else while you have a boy/ girlfriend is cheating – in my books.
But the fact that he’s confident enough to ask me a third time shows character and is appealing but only to a point as he’s girlfriend dumped him new years day.
But when I was at the Christmas party we got along and it was fun.

So this is my little screwed up head in the relationship sense – At the top of my blog I have a percentage…. I think I may have to change it to 50% yes and 50% never sure….
Just for now.