I'm being good, so why do I feel like crap!!!???
So I wanted to go out last night. I was really tired but I did want to go out.
I’d just had enough of my brother and wanted to go out.
To cut a long story short – I didn’t.
Eve said he would text me. Yeah. He did at 11.45 saying he decided not to go into the city. The text woke me up. I went to bed.
Eve came to my work on Saturday. Drove past. He kinda looked like he would stop but he drove off. I don’t know what that was about.
I didn’t let on that we saw him,
I wrote him a text saying, “If you’re ever in the area come by and have lunch or a drink.”
“Where are you?”
“Not far from work”
“I’m at mum and dads” (About a further 15 min away from work)
“Did you want to meet up for dinner”?
“Yeah, got to go out afterward and don’t know how long I’ll be – You can stay in the city” (His apartment)
Hmm….. Right. He want’s me for sex – doesn’t he? Or does he just mean that I can stay on in the city? I don’t need him to say that, I defiantly think it was stay at his place.
“I’m not getting it? You want to go out to dinner then you leave and come back?”
“ I don’t know how long I’ll be there for”
He just wants sex I thought.
“Eve, I think I’d want your company and not just your sex. See how it goes?”
“ok”
So that was it.
Until 11.45 when he thought nah not worth it. ”Not going to city. sorry”
I felt hurt. But I only have myself to blame. I had to say it. I didn’t want him to think next time he saw me we can go out and screw our brains out.
I wrote back to him “I didn’t think ya would, as I’ve said before, if you ever just feel like some company-let me know”
“Ok no worries will do”
I doubt he will ever call.
It makes me feel a little used. But again I can only blame myself. I feel a little hopeless as I genuinely wanted him to feel – well I don’t know, like some one besides family cares. Make him a little happier.
Last night I went through my phone and all my “friends” were busy. Either with their boyfriends, husbands or family.
They don’t want to go out. No one wants to go out! I went out the night before with Ian. We went to a poetry reading and had a drink afterwards.
My mum came down and stayed this weekend. It’s been nice to have her hear.
I was complaining to her last night that all my “friends” were homebodies; all had boyfriends, husbands and want to spend “Time together”.
“Well you will have to get yourself a boyfriend then”
I looked at her in silence.
It got me thinking.
What person would want me? I like poetry, reading, writing, music all sorts, love my dog and my guitar.
I like going out and listening to poetry or music. Going out, dancing, drinking.
Sigh. I like the outdoors, bush walking, the beach, body boarding.
And I’m a Christian.
A struggling Christian. But I’m glad I told Eve that I wanted more then just sex.
A part of me feels good, I’m glad I didn’t lead him on to believe that I was going to sleep with him. I told him how it is. I still have that part of me that says – You could have had sex then talked. At least then you would both be satisfied. No regret, “two single people finding comfort on a cold night” as Deb would say :)
I was going to call the guy that gave me his number a couple of weeks ago.
He told me to give him a call if I wanted to “have a drink”
I didn’t. I just don’t want to date. That’s why it would have been easy with Eve.
We could lie on the couch and touch each other (not provocative) and it would just feel nice. Good. Comforting.
I don’t know.
I guess I’m glad with the way it worked out. I just feel really low, disappointed…needy? I’ll get over it.
I think being that I ‘m so tied and haven’t been out for so long, makes me …sad.
That and my living conditions.
A little later…
Glad I got that out and off my chest.
OMG! Even my dog gets some from my mums dog! And they are both male! Maybe this is where I’m going wrong! Maybe I just need a chick! ;)
I thought today maybe something I can get out of feeling like this is a song….
I’ve got a few different melodies and verses.
Why is being a Christian SOOOOOO HARD!!!!!
I’d just had enough of my brother and wanted to go out.
To cut a long story short – I didn’t.
Eve said he would text me. Yeah. He did at 11.45 saying he decided not to go into the city. The text woke me up. I went to bed.
Eve came to my work on Saturday. Drove past. He kinda looked like he would stop but he drove off. I don’t know what that was about.
I didn’t let on that we saw him,
I wrote him a text saying, “If you’re ever in the area come by and have lunch or a drink.”
“Where are you?”
“Not far from work”
“I’m at mum and dads” (About a further 15 min away from work)
“Did you want to meet up for dinner”?
“Yeah, got to go out afterward and don’t know how long I’ll be – You can stay in the city” (His apartment)
Hmm….. Right. He want’s me for sex – doesn’t he? Or does he just mean that I can stay on in the city? I don’t need him to say that, I defiantly think it was stay at his place.
“I’m not getting it? You want to go out to dinner then you leave and come back?”
“ I don’t know how long I’ll be there for”
He just wants sex I thought.
“Eve, I think I’d want your company and not just your sex. See how it goes?”
“ok”
So that was it.
Until 11.45 when he thought nah not worth it. ”Not going to city. sorry”
I felt hurt. But I only have myself to blame. I had to say it. I didn’t want him to think next time he saw me we can go out and screw our brains out.
I wrote back to him “I didn’t think ya would, as I’ve said before, if you ever just feel like some company-let me know”
“Ok no worries will do”
I doubt he will ever call.
It makes me feel a little used. But again I can only blame myself. I feel a little hopeless as I genuinely wanted him to feel – well I don’t know, like some one besides family cares. Make him a little happier.
Last night I went through my phone and all my “friends” were busy. Either with their boyfriends, husbands or family.
They don’t want to go out. No one wants to go out! I went out the night before with Ian. We went to a poetry reading and had a drink afterwards.
My mum came down and stayed this weekend. It’s been nice to have her hear.
I was complaining to her last night that all my “friends” were homebodies; all had boyfriends, husbands and want to spend “Time together”.
“Well you will have to get yourself a boyfriend then”
I looked at her in silence.
It got me thinking.
What person would want me? I like poetry, reading, writing, music all sorts, love my dog and my guitar.
I like going out and listening to poetry or music. Going out, dancing, drinking.
Sigh. I like the outdoors, bush walking, the beach, body boarding.
And I’m a Christian.
A struggling Christian. But I’m glad I told Eve that I wanted more then just sex.
A part of me feels good, I’m glad I didn’t lead him on to believe that I was going to sleep with him. I told him how it is. I still have that part of me that says – You could have had sex then talked. At least then you would both be satisfied. No regret, “two single people finding comfort on a cold night” as Deb would say :)
I was going to call the guy that gave me his number a couple of weeks ago.
He told me to give him a call if I wanted to “have a drink”
I didn’t. I just don’t want to date. That’s why it would have been easy with Eve.
We could lie on the couch and touch each other (not provocative) and it would just feel nice. Good. Comforting.
I don’t know.
I guess I’m glad with the way it worked out. I just feel really low, disappointed…needy? I’ll get over it.
I think being that I ‘m so tied and haven’t been out for so long, makes me …sad.
That and my living conditions.
A little later…
Glad I got that out and off my chest.
OMG! Even my dog gets some from my mums dog! And they are both male! Maybe this is where I’m going wrong! Maybe I just need a chick! ;)
I thought today maybe something I can get out of feeling like this is a song….
I’ve got a few different melodies and verses.
Why is being a Christian SOOOOOO HARD!!!!!
posted by kaz at 6:46 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home