EVE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
This is Bazaar.
How’s this for timing. I go for a run around a lake near my work with Damon. I thought I’d pop into work and pick up the hot rollers that Deb left for me.
So I’m talking to Mk and he says, “Hears your boyfriend”
“What?? Are you serious?? No way!”
“Gee, I haven’t seen him for about a month or more”
My eyes were huge, my heart started to pound. My cheeks went red knowing that I was about to talk to Eve.
I was sooooooo embarrassed!!!
Since I had walked Damon and gone for a run I changed my clothes and had put on a black boob tube sorta thing had on an oversized denim skirt on with a belt that - really, was no accessory.
My hair was all a frizz so I had put on my black beret` type thing stuffed my hair into it and pulled out some bits at the front. I had no bra on. No make up and wearing runners.
My thoughts when I put it on was, “oh, I’m just going to work I won’t see anyone I know”
Oh my God. I could have died!
I tried to fix myself up at work. I doused myself with Mk’s deodorant and cologne. Then I walked out.
We caught eyes.
He looked hot.
It was sooooo bazaar.
He was dropping in to see his brothers wife and her baby at there shop which is about five meters away form ours.
We smiled and he beckoned me to come and talk to him.
I took a deep breath and walked out to him. I sat down and we chatted. General things. Noted how weird it was that we bumped into each other.
No talk about our Three-week fling. I didn’t expect to – thank God!
Hears the thing. I went to the Bible study group last night and we were talking about how Christians do things that are “wrong”, know what they are doing or will do is wrong and still do it anyway because they will be forgiven.
I had to laugh to myself on that one! Yeah, Know what that’s about all to well! Temptation.
We talked for a little while. I was about to leave.
“What are you doing tonight”?
“Thinking about coming into the city…”
“Well text me, my client leaves at 10”
“You want me to text you? Hmmm…If I go out tonight I will”
(I was going to drop in on “Street Works”)
He wanted sex. I feel like this is all a test that God has conjured up.
I want to be good but …Why does it have to be up to the girl to say “no”???!!!
Anyway later on, Mk sends me a text saying that I should “probably stay away.”
I rang him and we spoke – I remember Eve had problems with Depression and such things and he wasn’t doing so well back then…..
So now I’m in a sticky position. I want to see him but I want to talk to him. Go out doors and just talk. No sex. Last time we spoke face to face he opened up to me about his past.
I just want to know him. Why do I have to care!!! Why can’t I just forget about him!
I guess I’ve never been able to turn my back on those who need someone to care.
I like caring. Oh…..
Eve said that he would come in on Saturday and get his hair coloured.
I hope he does.
Here’s the thing. When I was “With” Eve, I wasn’t myself. I was a bitch. True to the word.
I tried to make myself believe that I didn’t need him for anything more then sex. I had to cut my self off from him emotionally. I could only do that by being mean and not myself. I guess then I figured that he won’t like me God, I didn’t even like me!
I knew what I was doing. Trying to get him to not feel for me so it would be easier for me, not to like him.
Sigh. All it got me was a reputation with him and anyone who he told and I was left with regret and a sore heart.
I hated not being me.
As I have said before, I have two things in my life that I hate myself about. A) Was calling my best friend of 11 years a slut (ten years ago) and
B) Was writing in my journal about Matt and having the words “Get F***ed” in it.
I will never forget those two moments. When I felt BEYOND awful. I felt like crying.
I’m getting teary just thinking about it now!
How much that would hurt a person. I would be devastated if I read that about me! Or if I was called that!
So now I see him and I want to just be me. I care about people and I do care about him.
The whole situation is Bazaar.
Just last night I was feeling so… Needy for that someone. We speak about Christians who “fall”, I think about the whole Eve situation and think how I wouldn’t have sex with him again because I want to try to be “good”, I think how if I saw him again I wouldn’t sleep with him and BAM!!! 12 hours later we are both in the same place at the same time both not needing to be there, both just dropping in….
It’s bazaar.
I feel like God is saying, “you said you won’t but are you really serious about being true to me”
I’m a person of my word but I find it so hard when it comes to God in this situation!!!!
Desire, pleasure and mind-blowing sex or talk to him….
And I truly want to talk to him. I do want him but I don’t want to stir his emotions and screw him up as well as myself.
I guess there’s my answer. See it’s so better when you write stuff down. It makes you feel better and puts things into perspective.
I can’t kid myself into thinking I don’t care, when really I do.
I hope this all makes sense.
How’s this for timing. I go for a run around a lake near my work with Damon. I thought I’d pop into work and pick up the hot rollers that Deb left for me.
So I’m talking to Mk and he says, “Hears your boyfriend”
“What?? Are you serious?? No way!”
“Gee, I haven’t seen him for about a month or more”
My eyes were huge, my heart started to pound. My cheeks went red knowing that I was about to talk to Eve.
I was sooooooo embarrassed!!!
Since I had walked Damon and gone for a run I changed my clothes and had put on a black boob tube sorta thing had on an oversized denim skirt on with a belt that - really, was no accessory.
My hair was all a frizz so I had put on my black beret` type thing stuffed my hair into it and pulled out some bits at the front. I had no bra on. No make up and wearing runners.
My thoughts when I put it on was, “oh, I’m just going to work I won’t see anyone I know”
Oh my God. I could have died!
I tried to fix myself up at work. I doused myself with Mk’s deodorant and cologne. Then I walked out.
We caught eyes.
He looked hot.
It was sooooo bazaar.
He was dropping in to see his brothers wife and her baby at there shop which is about five meters away form ours.
We smiled and he beckoned me to come and talk to him.
I took a deep breath and walked out to him. I sat down and we chatted. General things. Noted how weird it was that we bumped into each other.
No talk about our Three-week fling. I didn’t expect to – thank God!
Hears the thing. I went to the Bible study group last night and we were talking about how Christians do things that are “wrong”, know what they are doing or will do is wrong and still do it anyway because they will be forgiven.
I had to laugh to myself on that one! Yeah, Know what that’s about all to well! Temptation.
We talked for a little while. I was about to leave.
“What are you doing tonight”?
“Thinking about coming into the city…”
“Well text me, my client leaves at 10”
“You want me to text you? Hmmm…If I go out tonight I will”
(I was going to drop in on “Street Works”)
He wanted sex. I feel like this is all a test that God has conjured up.
I want to be good but …Why does it have to be up to the girl to say “no”???!!!
Anyway later on, Mk sends me a text saying that I should “probably stay away.”
I rang him and we spoke – I remember Eve had problems with Depression and such things and he wasn’t doing so well back then…..
So now I’m in a sticky position. I want to see him but I want to talk to him. Go out doors and just talk. No sex. Last time we spoke face to face he opened up to me about his past.
I just want to know him. Why do I have to care!!! Why can’t I just forget about him!
I guess I’ve never been able to turn my back on those who need someone to care.
I like caring. Oh…..
Eve said that he would come in on Saturday and get his hair coloured.
I hope he does.
Here’s the thing. When I was “With” Eve, I wasn’t myself. I was a bitch. True to the word.
I tried to make myself believe that I didn’t need him for anything more then sex. I had to cut my self off from him emotionally. I could only do that by being mean and not myself. I guess then I figured that he won’t like me God, I didn’t even like me!
I knew what I was doing. Trying to get him to not feel for me so it would be easier for me, not to like him.
Sigh. All it got me was a reputation with him and anyone who he told and I was left with regret and a sore heart.
I hated not being me.
As I have said before, I have two things in my life that I hate myself about. A) Was calling my best friend of 11 years a slut (ten years ago) and
B) Was writing in my journal about Matt and having the words “Get F***ed” in it.
I will never forget those two moments. When I felt BEYOND awful. I felt like crying.
I’m getting teary just thinking about it now!
How much that would hurt a person. I would be devastated if I read that about me! Or if I was called that!
So now I see him and I want to just be me. I care about people and I do care about him.
The whole situation is Bazaar.
Just last night I was feeling so… Needy for that someone. We speak about Christians who “fall”, I think about the whole Eve situation and think how I wouldn’t have sex with him again because I want to try to be “good”, I think how if I saw him again I wouldn’t sleep with him and BAM!!! 12 hours later we are both in the same place at the same time both not needing to be there, both just dropping in….
It’s bazaar.
I feel like God is saying, “you said you won’t but are you really serious about being true to me”
I’m a person of my word but I find it so hard when it comes to God in this situation!!!!
Desire, pleasure and mind-blowing sex or talk to him….
And I truly want to talk to him. I do want him but I don’t want to stir his emotions and screw him up as well as myself.
I guess there’s my answer. See it’s so better when you write stuff down. It makes you feel better and puts things into perspective.
I can’t kid myself into thinking I don’t care, when really I do.
I hope this all makes sense.
posted by kaz at 5:06 PM
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