* KAZARAMA *

Heyyyyyyy

2009-02-03T09:22:00.001+11:00

Heeeeyyyyyy!!!!!!!
What's Up?
I forgot my account password, then it changed and I could never be bothered to figure out how to recover it.
So we'll see how it goes.

OUCH!

2008-06-02T20:04:00.003+10:00

So I played sport on the weekend and put my back out.
I HATE my STUPID BACK!!!!!!
This puts me out for running, playing my team sport and also no work for at least 3 days possiably the rest o the week. Great.
Kadie my dog is going stir crazy because I can't walk her and Sabs still away.
I crawled out of bed and had a very painfull day.
The chiropracter tried to help out but said he couldn't crack in cos it's still to inflamed.
Why??
Why does it always happen?? I look forward to something and low and behold something happens so that it makes it hard to achieve what I have planned.
Sigh.

lalallalal lalala

2008-05-27T21:37:00.002+10:00

So I'm putting a bickky bit onto my dog kadies nose and teaching her to wait until it sits on there for a second then I say "ok" and she wipes it off with her paw onto the ground and eats it.
I love her but wouldn't trust her.
My birthday is coming up in about 5 weeks and all I want to do is spend a quiet night with sab, get dressed up and have dinner with candles and just really spend quality time together.
I brought a really nice after 5's dress yesterday and I can't wait to get it altered and wear it to the ball that's coming up.
I'm going for that 1940s look :)
Thinking about running a 10km fun run with Sab ... then a few months later there's a 22km run which is held back home and if i'm going to run something like that then i'd like it to be in my home city :)
b bye for now :)

Whatever

2008-04-27T21:35:00.002+10:00

Being in a relationship. Everyone has ups and downs - I just HATE the downs. Very annoying.
Sigh.
Whatever.

>#$*&###!

2008-04-15T20:59:00.002+10:00

HUMPLE.
HUMPLE HUMPLE HUMPLE!
HUMPLE.
Humple.
hmp.
sigh........

I miss Sab.
I miss us.

Taking the next step

2008-04-10T15:41:00.003+10:00

One of my best friends from down south is PREGNANT! It's a bit bazzar but not I mean she's been with her husband for nearly 7 years but yeah it's weird to think she's going to be a mum.
It feels like theres babies everywhere at the moment.
I just spent the morning with a friend and her 2yo and 4month old (girl and boy very cute) I just really crave time to be with Sab. Lots and lots of time. We don't even live alone together yet and that's one thing that really want to do. Kadie our dog is being a really good girl, she's almost like a child. Today I picked her up and she didn't want to be put down so I carried her over to a mirror and she looked at herself and poked her little ears up put one paw around the back of my neck and the other one in front turning slightly to look at herself!
It's like when kids are babies and they look at themselves in the mirror while holding on to you. It was the most bazzar feeling because I was talking to her and she was looking at her reflection and her positioning was that of a 18 month old baby! I had to put her down and outside because it was all too weird.

I start my new job on Monday hairdressing still but cutting only.
I feel exausted but I haven't done much. PMT and hot days suck.

Wow. kids. Freaks me out to tell you the truth.
Yeah.

It's late and i'm still awake.

2008-04-07T00:55:00.003+10:00

May sound mushy and la de da but I'm emotional and happy but sad.
Sab had to leave again but only for a couple of days and still got housemate.

I loooovvvveeee Sab sooooooo much and it was funny, we were lying on the bed watching T.V, he turns around and says, "I love you" and kisses me. We always tell eachother but I don't know it just gave me the warm and fuzzys and yeah, he makes me smile.

There's always going to be trying times but that's life.

I quit my "new" job on Saturday. Turns out the owners a compulsive liar and it all went very bad.
Anyway I start a new job on the 15th so I have a week off.

I miss having Sab lying next to me. Oh well, it's not forever as he and his fellow workmate explained to me today, you work hard now so later you don't have to.
I explained to them that to be able to get to that point you need to take time out relax and enjoy life.
They agreed, I just hope they do it.

I'm hungry. I want food. I rolled my ankle tonight playing sport. It was the ankle that I had a reconstruction on 10 years ago. It's always going to be dodgey but I have to be more carefull.
I'm going shopping for clothes tomorrow, cheap dresses and tops. Yea.

2008-03-31T15:00:00.002+11:00

Sabs been sooooooo busy with work and the stress that goes along with that, he's spent a fair amount of time away. Heaps. We ended up going away for a wonderful weekend to a tropical getaway for 3 nights and 3 days.
We went quad bike riding (dune buggy type thing) and had a ball!
We also went to a wildlife zoo and it's one of the smaller ones but we were lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time and we got to pat the Rhino and see the cheeta feeding and monkey feeding. We spent some VERY much needed time together and we loved every moment :)
He's been home since then and again it's been really great.
There's been talk about kids and weddings and our trip over to Africia later in the year.
There's so much thats going on mid to late this year. We have to find another place to move into by December, going away, friends wedding sabs best man, work with Sab and work with me.
Then there's Christmas and yeah - lots of things inbetween.

Were scooting down South in two weeks, for one of his friends 30th and were making a weekend out of it.

Kadie the dog is ok, she's spent a bit of time in kennels lately but she's good.
Living with the extra housemate...... what can I say - I CAN'T WAIT untill it's only
the two of us living together. Then I can feel a bit more like ... home. I can do what I want and I don't have to see/think about the other housemates little comments and his grottyness.
I can't wait untill it's just Sab, Kadie and myself.
I want to live just us for a while before any weddings and definatly before any kids.
Call me selfish but I want Sab all to myself and do things just the two of us for a long before I have to think about kids.
He doesn't want to wait as long as I do before kids come on the scean. So we just have to meet somewhere inbetween.
He's ex girlfriend is still working out of his office.
She needs to get a life and realise how it's an unhealthy situation for her own wellbeing.

Well I gotta go. Driving Sab to the airport.
Ciao :)

The homecomming

2008-02-10T23:11:00.001+11:00

Sab is due back on Tuesday. I've been looking forward to seeing him sooooo much.
I spoke to him today and it was sooo nice to hear his voice, Unfortunatly his voice said
"I have alot of work to do when I get back hon"
Not what I wanted to hear but because I also now have a life maybe it won't be so bad.
I just wish that sometimes we could live it together .
I don't know if he's bringing back one of the workers. I hope he dosen't because it spells out no time for us, I get cranky because it's always work and there will be just time for work and being that he'll be busy - well, i'll get left behind - again.
I mean, I like the people he brings home but they all work to hard - it's all the time!

I got made "reduntant" yesterday. She couldn't afford to keep me on and it was the truth.
I don't mind, I want to find a new job one that challenges me and keeps me busy.
Preferably not hairdressing.

I miss Sab.
I have a bloated/sore stomach. I can't eat noodles.
I don't like being alone in a relationship altho I know that he can't help it - but I don't have to like it.

This is how it's going

2008-02-05T23:28:00.000+11:00

Arr...
My life at the moment has finally taken a turn for thing the better. I'm going out playing social tennis, taking Kadie to dog trainning school, playing social touch football and meeting and going out with new people.
These people have met me as me and not as "Sabs Girlfriend".
Work - well i'm still hairdressing. Yeeppeee.
I want more money and maybe I need two jobs for that... but it's not going anywhere where I am at the moment.
Sabs overseas at the moment. All up he would have been gone for two weeks.
I miss him when he goes. He's always going away with work. Work work work.
He tells me it's for us but I just want us sometimes.
This Thursday it will be one year since the day I met him. We go off that day.
He'll be away overseas and I don't think he'll remember.
I kinda figure it'll be just another day.
It's not really a big deal to me. I'd like him to be hear, just so we can talk about the year and be all lovey dovey see how far we've come together and that sort of thing.
Instead i'll be at work then at touch football then i'll call him when it's over and we'll talk on the phone.
It's not the same. His work is taking over. He wants to bring home some workers and have one stay with us for a bit. I'm not into that and I told him that I want him and him alone.
If he brings a guy back home it'll be talk work, do work - talk some more and I won't have him home at all. It would be like he wasn't actually hear.
I just really need him home sometimes. Sigh.
I'll just have to continue keeping myself busy and whe he comes back - keep on with what i'm doing and just - I know when he comes home it will be hard because I want to see him and not go out to trainning for touch footy - etc.
Sux.
Sigh.

another day.

2008-01-09T22:08:00.000+11:00

Work as a team, I am making the "I" in team - sometimes work sux.
I miss my old jobs back home.
I miss the people, friends, different places to go, the busyiness - 2008 will be different.
It will be different.
I need to sleep.
it's 9pm. That's sad.

Welcome 2008....

2008-01-04T22:27:00.000+11:00

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and all that to everyone.
My Christmas was good, My new Year was spent feeling like crap and I pritty much slept through it all.
The ten days off was terrific - the last three of those days were gut wrenching, terriable and I hated them. The emotional roller coaster really sucked.

2008 what will you bring me? I used to look forward and with evangance to what the year would bring.
Now I have no idea and I'm homesick.
Sigh.
So much is going on in my head and I have no one to talk to at the moment.
Friends back home are out of range with their mobiles, on holidays, got their own lives etc.

I'm living on coffee and caffene drinks. I'm on edge and I'm not doing so great inside.

Things will look up... They have to.
Please... God....please.

nap, shower, shop. Nap.

2007-11-25T11:24:00.000+11:00

It's been 12 days since Sab left to go away with work.
It was meant to be two days. Sux. I miss him so much it hurts.
I can't sleep very well without him.
I think he comes back either Tuesday or Wednesday.

Today I'm cleaning the house and doing washing.
oh joy.
I brought myself a dress yesterday. Retail therapy. It was good but I need a few more tops.
I think I need a nap. this heat is not fun.
I have to hang out my washing and vacume the house. This equals sweat and getting hot and yuk.
I hate this heat.
Work still sux.
I need a nap.
I need to clean the house.
I need to shower.
nap.
shop.

I miss Sab....

2007-11-18T23:11:00.000+11:00

Oh my body is aching.
Yesterday I went horse riding, today I got up and went for a walk, then kyacking, swimming then walked up some huge rocks.
It was a work function Christmas do over at one of the coastal islands.
It was a good weekend - I was soooo tired yesterday I needed a nap.
Almost everyone took the horse for a swim in the bay but I wasn't up for it. I just wanted to sit and sleep. It would have been to much efort to undress, put on a special water suit get on the horse then be active. People were saying "come on, come in" but I didn't care.
I was too tired to care, I was just so tired. I've done it before so it wasn't like I felt like I was missing out or anything.
It was a girls only weekend with the expection of the boss' Husband but he's really nice and easy
to get along with.
I would have liked Sab to come but he's been out of town and busy with work. He left early last week and won't be back till about Friday next week.
His brother is still hear but it's obviously not the same, but it's nice to have someone elce in the house.
Kadie has a barking collar hence she is being alot better on that front.
I'm tired now and I want to sleep but knowing Sab is driving after 15 hours of hard work and he has to drive another hour - I won't be able to sleep till I know that he got there ok.
I'm not missing home so much now.
The trip back was good but I feel now I can move on a bit. I still would like the position going back at my old job. The position I was going to work towards had become available and I would like it but I can't.
My poor little mum. She is having a very small Christmas this year. Probably just her and my brother... and maybe a friend of hers.
I need to buy and send down presents.

There has been talk of buying a house again ....
Sab knows that I don't wan't to buy a house until I get a ring on my finger......
He said "Well you better start looking" ... ... ...
I told him I don't mind renting for ages and no there's no pressure.
Ages ago before all this he was a bit drunk and asked "if I asked you to marry me, would you?"
"Yeah" I smiled at him.
Then more recently he asked if he proposed would I marry him the next day?
"Well you'd have to ask me to know that answer"
It was his turn to smile, laugh and kiss me.
I love him sooooooooo much.

I just hope that football season never comes....
Ever watched the "perfect catch?" It has Drew Barrymore in it - well I can relate to that movie.

Anyway - I need to go and cal him - make sure that he's still awake and ok.
see ya

Three days to go!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-15T11:44:00.000+10:00

I'm going home in THREE, yes THREE DAYS!!!
Sab and I are flying in late at night, yea! We get to fly in and see all the lights of the beautiful city!!!!
I'm really looking forward to it, I don't know how I'll feel afterward...
I'm just glad to be getting back.
My computer is slowing dying.

I can't wait to see Damon! I want to go for a run where I use to and take Damon, go out for dinner where I use to, see my friends and my family, go into the city!
mingle with all the people just wonder in and be around people - it's a different culture.

Kadie is improving, she's heaps better but last night she was put in the sin bin beause of her barking but she hasn't had to go in there for ages.

Sab and I had a really nice day yesterday.
We went shopping and to the beach had a nice lunch and dinner and fell asleep in eachothers arms.

I am really looking forward to Thursday - I leave at 5.30pm and arrive at home at 11pm - :))

I better go before my computer dies... yep this one is on it's way out soon too.
Same problem as my old one... Hopefullly Sab can fix it....

still hear

2007-10-10T07:38:00.000+10:00

Still hear - it's been awhile since I blogged.
Still in the crappsville of QLD the "Sunshine state".
I'm still up and down with my health but good theing is some parts are up.

Relationships are hard and I've never heard anyone say it was easy. Everyone goes through different types of stuff.

I have to go to work.
yea.

PHOTOS!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-09-18T19:42:00.000+10:00

I went and saw a naturapath.

I'm at the moment have an intolanence to wheat, Yeast and lactose.

There's also a few other stuff that's wrong too.
I brought all the stuff and i'm hopefully going to feel better soon..... I hope.

There's talk about going overseas for a trip over to Africa.....

I've just added these photos and it worked!!!!

Yea!

This is Kadie just after I brought her and attacked the with the clippers.

The other two are of my little Damon.

Can you see why I would rather Damon over the little crappa head!??

I couldn't do her legs. She destroyed her white "bunny" I brought her not long after this photo.

Damon is so cute!

I have a really sore throate.

I'm writing aimlessly.

I think i'll go play my guitar.... Make up a song.

It's beginning to get really hot hear.

I don't like it.

You can't swim at the beach because of the stingers.

There is no surf.

sigh.

Winge.
Winge some more.

still homesick...

2007-09-14T17:23:00.000+10:00

Homesickness.
Sigh.
I don't know. I really don't like this little town. I'm trying to give it a go but it just doesn't feel like home.
I'm really not enjoying work. I want to learn more.
I'm going to do a computer course trying to extend my knowkledge and get a better job. the ONLY course that runs hear out of work hours, actually isn't acknowledged - at all.
It's just something you can learn.
Back home every term there was something new you could do.
Sigh.
I'm hear soley for Sab.
To start with I thought that a change would have been good as well as moving for him.
The change sux but I still love him.

Kadie the dog is .... getting use to her own company.
She smells at the moment and I haven't had a chance to wash her.
I brought her a pool today. just a little baby pool and a non slip matt.
I think she'll like it.

I better go - i'm of to my cousins or dinner.

So yeah.

2007-08-02T22:19:00.000+10:00

Sab has been away since monday and looks like he's comming back Saturday.
I miss him.

We got a dog to compensate.

I don't like the dog.

She's high maintence. She is getting better but she's yet to grow on me.

I just don't have a connection like I did with Damon. I really miss him.

I was asked yesterday if I "Had something to tell us" while my cousin made a grab for my new found flab stomach. My response was "I think I may start to starve myself now."

She laughed at this and said "Oh no, I just thought you might have some exciting news, you know exciting!" "No."

Keep in mind fokes that I am 26years old and personally speaking for myself, being told I was pregnant would not be exciting. I'd go for more devestating.

I'm happy when I get a monthly friend - that gets me excited!

I feel very bloated and yuk at the moment.

I've been extreamly homesick.

It what you make of it. I have to perk up.

It's just a little hard sometimes when works not all good and I miss my friends back home.
sigh.

At the moment I don't think I want kids. i don't want to be pregnant and I don't want to think about something else. Hence the dog problem.
She's a sico path. I don't particuallarlly like her.
So yeah.

yeah.

2007-07-22T10:08:00.000+10:00

Sabs been in and out of town lately. From Friday to Wednesday then Thursday till Saturday then the following Wednesday till now Sunday.
I think that’s pretty much it, I haven’t seen much o him.
I miss him.
Hmm….
It’s Sunday morning and I feel like a blob.
I have been doing exercise and that helps.
I’m still finding my way in this small country town. I miss the busyness of back home. Lots and lots of people, people everywhere and the city is always packed.
Hear – the city is dead.
I went out last night and I got tired at 9pm.
The girl I was with wanted to party on so I stayed for another 2 and a bit hours . I just wanted to be under the doona and sleeping.
I have to just get used to this. It’s hard. With Sab gone I miss him but I wish I had a dog for company. Thing is that would just not work cos you then cant just up and leave.
I’m still working on developing my own friends. The girls at work are nice and I get along with them.
Hmm…..
I still haven’t found a church that I really like. I’m not doing much to help that situation really.
Sabs best friend said yesterday how he can’t see how sab and I have anything in common?? He drinks beer and watches footy and I go to church and am religious.
But even then he went on to say “like what was it that made you to hit it off??”
I told him how I see all the good things in Sab and I rolled off a million of them but it’s like he wasn’t convinced.
I felt like he was wondering why I was staying with him. I was quite annoyed at this remark. He doesn’t know who I am. It really annoys me. Know one expect for Sab really knows what I’m like. I don’t feel the need to have to explain myself till yesterday. Maybe he’s just curious because he’s single and can’t find a girl for himself. He want’s to know what to look for.
Sigh.
I’m going to go have some breakfast then clean up a bit.
So yeah that’s my Sunday till later.
hmmm.

PMT and me

2007-07-08T21:19:00.000+10:00

Hormones, emotional crap and being extreamly tired.
I get very short fused and just want to be by myself.
Sab's away at the moment.
His brother is at home with me but i've spent alot of time in my room cos I just feel like I need time alone.

I love Sab so much and he really has seen me in pritty much all of my different stages of PMT and everything. The poor thing - he's so supportive and I was being silly and I couldn't help it. It's all PMT. I get low in iron, that gets me tired, then I get cranky, short tempered and through it all I'm all emotional with all those great hormones flying around my body.

I saw "knocked up" last night. What a waste of time that movie was. In heinz sight what's funny about a chick getting pregnant to what she thought was a slob.
Some bits were funny but wouldn't go see it.

I'm going to go and have a glass of red wine.

Sleep, go on just do it

2007-07-04T13:07:00.000+10:00

Well, my birthday was a day of blunders all on Sabs behalf.
The night went well and all was forgiven by about lunch time the next day.
He spoilt me with a 7 hour day of pampering at a day spa!
7 hours! It cost him a fortune.
I also got a big bunch of “I’m sorry” flowers – as I said all is forgiven because there’s no point on holding on to it because at the end of the day I do love him.
It was just a disappointing day but a better night.
I won a 3 month gym membership. I better use it. There’s no way I’m weighing myself. I don’t want to do a “program” as such I just like to go in and do my own thing. I’m not into all that weight lifting crap.

Last night being wrapped up in Sab’s arms – it felt so good.

We are looking at a house, a few different ones. All around the same price – we need to go for a trip to the bank.

Today I’m not feeling very well, so I stayed at home. Feeling sick and tired isn’t all that nice.
I need to go to sleep. It’s lunch time.

This is my budget

2007-06-25T10:47:00.001+10:00

Money.
In my case the second it’s in my bank – it’s gone.
I’ve crunched some numbers and I have to buckle down.
I know I’ve heard myself say it beore but now I have actually put it down on paper and thought about things – if I don’t start now putting money aside for car rego I’ll be stuffed! As it is now this is how it looks.

Rent
Phone bill
Car rego
Weekly shopping/living
Petrol
Car repayments
Credit card repayments

Then I have
Ryans 18th next week
Brothers birthday in August (limit $30)
One wedding in September + Sabs birthday
Another wedding in October + I’m flying back for that so need spending money for hire car and food.
Then it’s November and then December you have Christmas and car rego.

I get $500 a week and it looks nice to look at but by the time I’ve taken out all I need to I have minus – about $-80
Back home I had two jobs hairdressing being the second. I could also do it from home.
I got buy because I got paid monthly in one job and got but on me other job through the week.
I can see a light at the end of all this but it’s going to take a very long time to get there.
I’ve got to stop buying un necessary stuff.
Like today. I’m off to the op shop I need to buy something “crazy” to where for this dance night on Friday night.
Sigh.
My cousins coming up in August – that’s more money. I have to have them all around for dinner. There’s $140 right there. I’ll have to feed 8or 9 kids 7 or 8 adults and that’s only one night!!! Put on a BBQ and have it at a park.
Sheesh.
This is my thoughts.
Also I need to get out and get involved in some sort of sport. I’m going to walk up the steep hill we have in town, that won’t cost anything. But if I can join a soccer club or something well soccer is $300 and there is also an expense doing something like that.
Do I sound down? I feel a little overwhelmed by it all but to look on the bright side I have about $200 coming back in tax in about a month or two.
God will work it out.
Yeah – it’ll be ok.

I have to go and uy some food.

cold

2007-06-22T20:27:00.000+10:00

It's freezing. I'm in a big wooly jacket. under the covers and my face is cold.
It was the coldest day on record yesterday. Weather has gone crazy.
Not alot happening. I'm feeling a little like a frump but it'll go eventually.

Nothing on the house front - it's all up in the air with disscussions on where to buy.
What state etc.
better go.
My feet are cold.

Life is progressing at 100mph!

2007-06-18T11:27:00.000+10:00

Well hear it is – it’s raining so much and so hard!
I’m using the dryer and in a jumper! This is Queensland!
Admitly I’m loving the change in weather. I was starting to hate the fine and 27 degrease days.

Last night Sab asked me if I would sign a mortgage with him and buy a house.
Wow. I didn’t know what to say!! - I know it will happen but it’s seeming to happen sooner rather then later when I thought it would. Where he is at the moment it would be a good idea….
Wow.
Love him with all my heart – we just signed another 6 month lease on the rented house and that was a big thing for me, just to put my name on the lease!

So, yeah – that’s what’s going on with me.
I turn 26 in 11 days… Usually I get excited tell everyone and do something for a week leading and a week afterward but hear and now I just want to let it slide.
Ryan has his 18 the day before and that’s pretty big then Sab has a business thing around the same time and I just don’t want to take any light away from them.
I am very proud of Sab.

I better go – more to write in journal.

2007-06-06T20:29:00.000+10:00

Today I got my hair cut - my long waist length copper curley hair has been cropped and colored into a brown (soon to go copper/red cos I don't like the color).
It's cut to just above my shoulders and I like it.

Trying to do stuff like tennis, dancing but haven't got anything totally me yet. Shame soccer was booked out. Maybe next season... hope so.

I'm sitting in my new jacket. It's not really that cold but it rained today and I haven't worn it yet so it's comfortable wearing just a singlet underneath it.

I'd like a dog but I know that they are such a tie down and when Sab and I want to just go out and not worrie about it being lonely and stuff - it wouldn't be fair.

better go.

2007-06-04T09:53:00.000+10:00

It's my day off today.
Sab leaves for four days tomorrow. He's taking all the boys so I'll have the house to myself.
I'm thinking I'll have a BBQ or just my cousins over for dinner.
Maybe i'll go have a hit of tennis...

I better go. Battrie on laptop is low and I need to go do the weekly shop - keeping in mind that i'm only really shopping for me this week.

homesick ......

2007-06-02T22:59:00.000+10:00

Tonight I really miss Damon. He would lick away my tears, I’d cuddle him and he would make me feel so much better. I’m really homesick at the moment.
Sab does all he can but I just have to get over it and it will go eventually.

I’m going to go and get involved in tennis.
It’s such a small town up hear. Sab seems to know a lot of people.
He’s ex is coming back on Wednesday next week. She asked him if they could catch up. Sab replied that yes you can see US. She doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
I know he loves me and he shows me that he does too.

Works good, Everyone back home tell me that they miss me and it’s just not the same without me. Supposedly now there is no teamwork and no real support system.
It’s a shame because the support really is needed there but it’s nice to be missed and asked about.
I often think about when I did the volunteer work with the “streeties”. It gives me hope that I can make a difference. They did in my life. Everyone of them.

I can’t sleep. It’s about 11pm.

I booked my flight home for my best friends wedding in October.
It’ll be soooo good to catch up and see everyone again.
I better go and try and sleep.

There has to be more.....

2007-06-01T20:55:00.000+10:00

I just need something. I want to help. I want to make a difference.
It's all good but there has to be more.
I need to give something of myself.

I've blimped out due to alchole and coffee -Vanallia Latte. Mmmmm.....

Hmmm.

So is this one of the model cars you looked up ??

2007-05-26T15:51:00.001+10:00

It’s Saturday afternoon.3.30pm.
I’m about to go have a sleep. All the boys are at the races today – I had to work.
I don’t know how my boss keeps up her business. I mean I’m hardly making my wage this is only because no one goes into the city any more and it’s all about to be demolished and a shopping centre will be built. I don’t know how long it’ll be until it all starts but I dare say it will be less then six months.

This is a hello that goes out to Ryan. The young lad who is staying with us at the moment who went into my computer to supposedly look up model cars and stuff but instead looked up what ever he did – this being the first site that comes up when you scroll down.
So I go to look into the history to see if he was lying – which my dear boy you did.
All the history has been deleted.
I asked you if the battrie died and you said no when it clearly did.
What else can I say?
Read what you want.

I have to go have a sleep. I’m tired and I’m going to be meeting up with the boys tonight, at a bar type thing.

Look it's let me in !!!!!!!!!!

2007-05-21T11:09:00.000+10:00

It’s nearly been a MONTH!!!! The STUPID Google account and a short fuse on my behalf stopped me from updating! Now it seems that I’m back and into my account.
I missed it a little but I’ve still been reading the other usual blogs tried to leave comments and couldn’t but now – I can :) !!!
Because I can’t be bothered in a brief update, Sab and I have had highs and lows but we have come out the other side.
I’ve been forced (because of my situation) to actually talk about things where as before I would have just walked (and I almost did) and I’m better for it.

Still learning about it all and about myself in many ways.
I miss Damon like crazy but his up with mum having a wonderful life on 3 acers and has little friends up there he plays with.
I also miss my friends & work.

I left the prison and found a much better job. I feel a lot more settled.

I better go I need to clean our room because we are having cable installed today.

B bye

As the jail term continues

2007-04-23T20:11:00.000+10:00

Well. I started the jail sentence and Yes – that’s what it is.
I walked out tonight leaving my new manager to deal with two arguing apprentices.
It was turning ugly. I figured that I was already there ONE hour overtime that I don’t get paid for and I wasn’t going to stay and listen to them spatter on. Once everything is done I’m outta there. I HATE IT! BUT I have to earn money and I just have to find something else in the meantime.
My feet are sooooo sore I don’t get to sit down! Even to pee! Today I stood over the bowl because I wanted to get out as it was 6pm and I finish at 5.30.
Sheesh.I only went to the toilet once today – we don’t get breaks because we can go to the toilet any time we want. What a PRIVILAGE!!!
I peed once in 12 hours and today once again and it was at 6pm when I should have been at home! BLAH!
So anyway I hate it.

Tonight Sab is outta town.
I’m on my own again. I miss him when he goes away.
Yesterday was SOOOOO good.
We slept in, his mobile didn’t go off with work wanting to contact him, we lay in each others arms all morning.
We went out for lunch to the oldest house in the town. It’s in the middle of the bush, far away from anything and it was lovely.
Then we went and brought a vacume and had a look at fridges and TV plasma things.
When we got home I vacuumed the house while sab …talked to his ex girlfriend. Yeah.
She asked about me. He told her that I was vacuuming and she said she thought I was in a different state. Sab told her that I had moved in with him. Her reaction to this was “You Asshole”.
He told me that she said this because he didn’t live with her for a long time when she wanted to.
I just have this feeling that she still holds a flam for him.
If George (my ex) told me that he had someone living with him and it was his girlfriend I would be happy for him. I think if I still liked him I would have a different reaction.
I’d be hurt but in my case I’m not interested in him. I think she still is.
She will want to catch up with him when she comes back.
When he found out that I had gone out for dinner with my mum my brother and George – Sab flipped. He thought that something was going on etc.
Now the tables have changed. He tells me that I have nothing to worrie about. I don’t think I worrie but I just don’t feel comfortable with the idea.
No one really liked her from what people tell me. I don’t ask half the time they came out and talked about it.
I’m only me. Just me.
I love him. He tells me he loves me.
I miss him when he goes away.
I better go I need to look for another job.
My feet are really throbbing from standing all day.

I wish I had some company. Damon.

and so it seems....

2007-04-17T08:23:00.000+10:00

I felt home sick for the first time yesterday morning and the night before.
Sab and I had an arguement and I was upset and just wanted Damon to lick away my tears and mum to hug me and I could hug Damon to just feel happy. When I didn't get any of that I felt alone. In the end Sab and I got over it but it really wasn't untill last night when I could really move on.
I know I have baggage with relationships, I just don't deal with arguements very well.
I always end up trying to smooth things over and make them feel better even tho I may not.
It didn't really work for me with Sab, which is probably a good thing because I just don't know what to do in those situations. I don't want to stoke the fire but I don't want to be the one allways smoothing out arguements.
As it turned out we spoke about it the next day in a much better way and I think at the end of the day I love him and he loves me - I look to that sometimes.
I start a hairdressing job on Thursday. Great.
I hate the thought, I think of it like a jail sentence which I'm out on paroll on a Sunday and maybe one other day.
Great. Over worked, under paid, devalued and I have to work every weekend 8.30am till about 5pm. Good bye to any time with Sab.
I hate hairdressing but I need money.
To look at the bright side it's not forever and I have used the color range before. I had a review of it last night, a little has changed but it seems simillar.
So I just have to get on with it.
I have no money after this week so thank God he's provided for me again.

bleeeechhhh..........

2007-04-14T17:06:00.000+10:00

Adelaide was two words.
Urine infection.
Yep. That was fantastic and unfourtunatly it lasted the whole of the week holiday.
I had to go into hospital and was put on a drip of fluids and antibiotics three days lkater I was back because I had a reaction to the medication they put me on which made me terriably sick.
I went and did the winery tour of the barrossa valley and saw a church or two but it really was just not the same cos I was so sick.
This also meant no sex for nearly two weeks. Shhesh.
I feel ok now still on medication (different one) It makes me feel drowsy but it’s better then the other one.
Sab and I are going along well – we have had arguments and little spats but we come out the other side.
I went to the gym this morning, feeling like a little bit of a blimp.
I’m going out to the movies tonight and maybe dinner.I better go and have a sleep.

One week and one day later

2007-04-05T08:34:00.000+10:00

Well I arrived yesterday a week ago.

How are things? Going along and still taking it as it comes.

Were learning more about each other and it’s all a learning experience.

I’m still looking for a job. I’m not so picky now. I didn’t want to work on a Saturday but I’m going to have to.

I didn’t want to be a hairdresser but there’s worse things and I need to pay the bills and like Sab says “it’s not forever”.

I do like it…. I just hate the pay and hours.

Another thing Sab said last night was that if you don’t cut corners and try your best then it shows and you do a good job.

I’m over the whole sit at home and wash clothes and be a domestic lady Jane.

Altho I did like getting the grease out of his clothes…. hmmm :)

I’ll get over that soon enough :)

Tomorrow his taking me interstate for the long Easter weekend. Were going back down south to Adelaide.

We both haven’t been there so it will be good going there together.

His got business for the last two or three days but there will be business dinners and that spells get nicely dressed but hears the thing all my nice warm clothes and boots are back home. I don’t know where half the stuff is!

I’ve been keeping up with all the blogs I read but when I try to sign in to publish my comment it refuses me! I hate computers now more then ever. And mobile phones.

So I can only leave comments when I log in to do a post!

Who hates this new blogger?? Me.

I'm off now to colour my overdue hair.

Happy Easter and remember the real reason we celebrate the "holy day" (holiday).

Peace X

3 days to go...

2007-03-25T12:15:00.000+10:00

Well It’s Sunday and my car didn’t get sold so I’m taking it up with me.
I have to go and drop it off at the depo place this afternoon.
I packed the boot with all that I could.
Last Thursday I went out for dinner and just about everyone I invited came along.
I got extremely drunk and crapped on in my speech but I love it and everyone had a good time. That was Thursday. I had to still come into work on the Friday. I came in on time and I wasn’t too bad then about three hours later 9am I was going to the toilet contemplating chucking. I decided to go and get a couple of sandwiches. That perked me up a little.
Then they really surprised me, they put on an afternoon tea with nuts, rice crispies, dip and stuff that I eat because they usually just have cakes and I don’t eat it. They then brought out earrings, a pendant, photo album and then a HUGE bunch of flowers!
I was speechless!! (and hungover) The flowers were Yellow and red, they looked cheery and the head Boss (who knows me quite well) said “Aren’t they your type of flowers with the yellow paper too. They say what you are a little ray of sunshine” then the others laughed and agreed.
I was amazed how every one really cared and thought about me in such a happy way.
My manager said a nice speech and in the end of me working there we were getting along a lot better. When Nick left he bolted out the door and didn’t even say anything. Not even a general good bye. He’s obviously got the problem.
So that was Friday.
Then came my last working Saturday. I’m going to really miss them. Mk and Deb were so helpful in everyway possible. Mk was more then just my boss. He gave me advice, a shoulder to cry on and he showed me what a father should be like with his kids and partner. Deb was the same. She gave me a laugh many times and I’ll really miss them.
The other Deb2 too.
She’s a beautiful person and I’m really going to miss them all.
The thing is that I’m coming back for visits and for my best friends wedding in October, so I’ll still see them all.
I got a 4 page letter from on of the girls I work with, a massive card that everyone signed and wrote like a paragraph on. Mk, Deb & Deb gave me a gold necklace and a philosophy book on positive thinking. I haven’t looked at the cards I got just yet (I peaked at the big one) I read the first page of the letter and thought I’ll read the book I got and the rest on the plane.
Last night Sab sent me a text “I’m gonna marry u!”
I text back my first response “R u dunk??”
He replied with that he wasn’t he just had a great day at work and he was feeling good thinking about me.
Later when we were talking I said to him “ I think you love the thought of me rather then me” He said that that wasn’t true.
I’m worried that when I fall off that ped stool (which will happen) I just hope he handles it ok and continues to love me.
He keeps reassuring me that he’s not going anywhere but I’ve never lived with anyone full time except my brother and that stupid house mate that ended bad cos he
Turned into a stalker! Not to me but I saw him do it to his ex girlfriend. Weirdo.
Sab says that we’ll share all the chores. Making dinner and we’ll help each other.
I know it’s going to be hard and we will have disagreements but we’ll get over it together. It’s a partnership. I know one thing for sure and that is that I’ll never be the one doing everything. I’ve learnt from my mistakes and from my mums. But here’s the thing – Sab he’s not like anyone I have ever known.
I’m really wanting to get there see him be with him and start my life together.
Looks like I’m flying out on Wednesday :)

Hopefully one week to go

2007-03-18T09:57:00.000+11:00

m in the mist of trying to sell my car, pack all my things up and tie up all loose ends.
I’ve taken a thousand dollars off my car and I’ll probably have to accept a much lower price. Dam. Oh well.
I’m selling my push bike and I’ve given away heaps of clothes and stuff to the op shop.
By this time next week I want almost everything packed.
What’s not packed means that it’s what I need to wear for the following last two or three days before I leave.
This is all well and good BUT if I don’t sell my car I have to wait hear until I do hence why the price is going to be slowly brought down. But I have my limit and it’s not going any lower than that.
I hate selling it.
I’ve slowly got rid of my attachments to it.
Now it’s just a car that I have to sell. Sab wants mw up there ASAP and I want to be up there too. I want to start my life with him, I want to start a new job and I’m ready for a change.
Sab is so full on. I’ve never had anyone wanting me so much. It’s a little full on but I have to remind myself that this is what I deserve. Everyone else tells me this so I have to start and believe it.
His amazing. He truly is a wonderful person.
I wish he was with me now.
I’m tired.
Might go nap before I go out to this engagement.

…..I hope he doesn’t get tired of waiting for me….

Well...

2007-03-14T20:02:00.000+11:00

Wednesday.
I felt like a train hit me today. Deb from work has a brain tumor. She goes in on Friday to see weather it’s benine or not. I’m getting chocked up thinking about it.
She’ll be ok. Oh God please let her be ok.
That’s not air! It never is.
Sigh. Poor Deb and Mk.

It’s Tuesday.
Sab came down for the long weekend. I finished at 1pm on the Friday and went to pick him up.
I was very excited and stressed because the flight he told me he was on, wasn’t actually a flight… I figured it all out but I forgot my mobile phone and I thought if I missed him I couldn’t contact him! I was relieved when I saw him walking down towards me in the foyer.
It was sooo good to hug him and feel him again.
Really good :)
So in short, I meet his sister, niece and he met my mum and my brother.
We had a wonderful long weekend together.
We spoke about lots of things and one of which was Damon.
So Damon is staying at my mums. My decision. It would be nicer for him cos it would just be to lonely and I wouldn’t have time to spend with him.
So we talked about lots of different things and he actually says to me
“I like you for you and I don’t want you to change.”
Now he seen me in my very stressed moments and very annoying moments and happy. I’ve just been completely myself and last night we were lying down and
He said “I love you”.
I said it back and yes, it may sound all mushy and stuff but we love eachother.
He’s wonderful. Really special.
So everything it for sale and I’m moving up in 2 weeks.
:)

What he does to me....

2007-03-05T15:39:00.000+11:00

Well I gave in my 3 weeks notice today and my car is on ebay. I’m about to put it on another car site.
I’ve got butterflies going nuts in my stomach.
I’m soooo worried that he’s going to change he’s mind. I feel like he’s put me on a pedestal and he’ll come down on Friday and think she really isn’t worth it and he’ll want to talk.
Sigh.
I’m going to fall off that pedestal and I’m so scared. I’m giving up everything my job, my car, my family and friends.
I told him in my drunken state that I loved him.
I feel very strongly for him, I really didn’t think he would say it back. I didn’t really want him to because it’s easier just to let him know where I’m at.
Last night he sent me a text.
“luv u”
I looked at it and was like, did he really just do that by text??
He was a bit drunk. Telling me how much he wanted me there with him and stuff.
I replied but instead of sending the whole text I accidentally sent it
“you just text me that”
“Yep!” was his response.
I was taken aback. My first thought was no – you don’t.
I can’t help it.
He doesn’t want me to doubt him but with my history with my father and lies from everyone and never feeling good enough or loved by him or anyone and then with his more recent comments about how I look – Well… I just don’t believe that someone will really ever feel the same way about me as I do them.
Sab is wonderful. Really is. He’s caring, sweet, thoughtfull, he always wants to help if he can and he has this wonderful warmth about him. When I’m with him I feel so happy. It sounds really lovey-dovey and maybe a little Jerry Maguire /ish but when I’m with him I feel complete.
Sigh. Last night I continued with my text. With
“Wow. Distance makes the heart grow fonder…Beer alters thinking & does the same thing… Sorry I can’t quite believe it…..I really want you right now, sooo much :( How can I wait till Friday??! Tell me when your sober I don’t want you to regret it…..X”
I was blunt and pretty much shut down his feelings. I wasn’t sure if I should have sent it but I mean “luv u” sent by text message…. I knew he was trying to say it over the phone but I wanted to hear it from him in person.
Text is the easy way out. I know tho if he said it to me over the phone I would have probably not known what to say. I just want him to hold me and I want to wrap my arms around him and just ….get that great feeling. When he takes it another step by text it kinda made me think maybe it’s Dutch confidence.
Maybe he didn’t mean it.
Maybe he wanted to take it back.
I really hope I didn’t hurt his feelings with that text.
I sent him another one saying that, and he didn’t respond to it.
He doesn’t want me to doubt him but I just think that I’m not as good as he thinks.
He’ll come hear and be disappointed.
My friends are telling me that I’m crazy. Fi was really happy when I told her she actually said “Finally someone who treats you the way you should be”
I know he’s different from anyone I’ve meet. He makes me feel beautiful on the inside as well as the out because when I’m with him I’m completely myself.
He’s a little silly sometimes as I can be and I like that about him.
I don’t want to hurt his feelings by doubting him and not taking his feelings for me or real but I really wish I could feel like I deserve to be loved like the way he treats me but I almost feel guilty when he does things for me. I love it, I’ve never had it before.
I love the way we are together.
I just wish I knew what he thought to that text.
Maybe I’m blowing it all out of proportion….I just want him with me and I have to wait 3 weeks until I go up there but only 4 days until he comes down on Friday….

When I was single I almost oozed confidence within myself – I guess he’s the first on in a ages that’s gotten through that wall I put up. Funny I didn’t really feel myself put it up when I met him and was with him it’s only developed now.
I hope he still thinks I’m worth it.

one week to go

2007-03-02T16:27:00.000+11:00

One week to go until Sab comes down……. :D

I’m looking forward to it and so is he.
I think I’m giving in my notice at work this Monday I think you have to give 3 or 4 weeks.
I’m tired and anaemic, but happy because I have thoughts of him.
I gotta go have a nap.

Well, I never thought it could happen to me - and it did!

2007-02-23T11:33:00.000+11:00

Well.
Where to start!???
The first week was a little dreary ( if ya couldn’t tell ;) )
I missed home because I was thinking about things that I could maybe do and I wanted my holidays to go as long as possible.
So I was only going to stay for four days. Saturday till Tuesday.
I went online on Monday and found that it was all sold out and I wasn’t prepared to spend $500 to come home when I could do it for $260 on Friday morning.
So I booked it.
Now this is where it becomes Interesting. Well for me that is. Don’t know how interesting you’ll find it, being that your reading it.
My Cousins best friends were away. One was at a job somewhere (Sab) the other (Bob)was working interstate, until the first Monday because he came down for a friends wedding. I meet him last time he came down and he had a bit of a crush on me.
Back then I went for one of he’s friends. This time round I wasn’t interested in the slightest in him or anyone because I decided to be single for quite awhile and just enjoy it.
Bob was again this time dropping all the hints again. I wasn’t going to go there because it just wouldn’t work. and beyond not interested. Anti men.
On the Tuesday my cousin dropped around to see Sab but he wasn’t home.
I didn’t really care because I was tagging along with my cousin and it was just his friend. The next night we went to archery and Bob came along.
Again my Cousin wanted to see Sab because he hadn’t seen him for ten days cos he was out at a site working.
So Cousin rang him and he had just come home. Cousin said that we would drop around before we head off to Archery.
So off we went again.
We got there and walked in.
There were about 7 guys all standing/ sitting around the table. Of course I didn’t know who was who and I had a glance around looking at all the new faces.
One caught my eye. He was just chatting and we didn’t really get introduced so he introduced himself then quickly did the rounds with all the names.
Sab seemed to be surrounded with friends and talking to all them.
We only stayed there for about ten maybe fifteen minutes.
We went on to archery, At the end of it we were just about to go home but I figured that if I’m hear and not working (bob wasn’t working either) I wanted to go out considering that I will be leaving on the Friday and this was the Wednesday.
So Bob and Cousin made a few phone calls and we had 5 of us going out for drinks.
Cousin volunteered driver that he would go and pick Sab up and take us all (Bob, Sab and I) out. Cousin and another guy Tom who meet us there all had a few drinks.
Alcohol or as Cousin puts it “ The devils mouth wash” was consumed and I was getting to chat with the boys.
It was getting late for Cousin and Tom so Cousin left me in he’s friends hands and went home.
We – being Bob, Sab and I kept on until stumps then went to the pub next door which was open for a few more hours. We were all talking and I was getting to know Sab. I was liking what I was hearing and seeing.
I still didn’t know if he was all that interested at that stage. I saw him looking at me a little but I mean we were chatting and laughing and generally having a good time.
Sab asked “When are you leaving?”
“Friday morning”
Bob pipes up “ You can’t leave on Friday! You have to stay for the weekend and we’ll all go out”
Sab agreed so I got on the phone and cancelled Fridays flight.
Sab was telling me about his family in Uganda and how he had gone over there and help build an orphanage then organised a group to go over without him and do it all again.
He had a video of it back at his house and he wanted to show it to me.
So the three of us went back to his house and we sat on the couch actually watching the video. Bob got up and went out to have a cigarette then Sab and I started to get cosy. We kissed and it felt nice. Really nice.
Between watching the video and kissing him we were getting a little closer with each other. Bob then walked in saw us then walked out and seemed to sober up a little, called a cab and left. I felt bad but there was no way I lead him on in any way.
So I stayed the night with Sab. And no we didn’t have sex. I was upfront about it and he said that’s fine. (Yeah – that’s what Eve said) So I really stuck to it.
So then the next night I found my self over there again and again and yes again.
This ladies and gentlemen has continued for the past two weeks.
It’s been really good. He’s taken me and introduced me to all of his friends, to which they had no idea and it was all very amusing seeing their reaction.
We got the questions and the “What are you going to do? Move up hear?”
To which we both laughed “Lets not go there” I said and we just laughed it off.
People were still asking me. I knew we had to talk about it but I didn’t want to think about it and I was just taking it day by day. That was until last Saturday night.
We went out to his friends house for dinner and drinks – which turned out to be lots of drinks, watching music videos, dancing around, talking, laughing and interrogation! ;))
It was very funny because Tanya and her partner Blake who are really great people were direct and to the point with their Questions. They pretty much made us or more me as Sab wanted to talk about the situation a day or two before it.
So Tanya and I talked. She told me that Sab’s Ex is defiantly out of the picture and 3 others including her all said she wasn’t a very nice girl.
Sab cleared it up that he had no ties with her but he stays friends with his ex girlfriends.
Well I still speak to my ex.
So anyway that night in our drunk states Sab leans over kissed me and said
“I want you to stay”
I was a little shocked he said it! I heard him say it but I wanted to hear him say it again
“What?”
“I want you to stay”
I kissed him thinking about it. As I was now in the position where I had to.
“Ok” – more kissing.
I said that we would have to discuss this when we are sober. So we did, and the question still stood and I still had the same answer.
So that’s where it is. I’m defiantly ready for a move, A new start is what I want.
It’s all happened so quickly but he’s pretty special.
Like everyone he has his good and bad points – but I figured that I haven’t met anyone like him.
His generous, caring, loving and I don’t want to go back home and think - what if?
We both want to give it a go and I’m moving up hear for a life change not only for him.

So that’s where it is. At the moment I’m looking for jobs and sending out resumes.
He’s not a Christian but I can see God work through him.
It’s going to be a big move and I won’t bring Damon up hear for about a month or two because it’s easier to get a place…

Next day…
I had a talk with Sab last night the more time I spend with him the more I fall for him.
To be able to move on with him I had to tell him about my insecurities.
He accepts me for me as I do him.
Well see how things go. It’s all a learning curve.
We went out for dinner last night for his brothers birthday. He’s brothers nice and it’s nice to see that they get along.

So I have to get off and go look for more work.

He can give me the warm and fuzzies, a pang in my stomach, tingles to the top of my head and down to my toes.
He said that he doesn't want to loose me as much as I don't want to loose him.

This is a complete lifestyle change for both of us.
We’ll just have to work at it.

so far...

2007-02-05T21:54:00.000+11:00

Ok, kiddies beig that I am on the trusty laptop now i'm not forgetting a Big HUGE happy birthday to Scott for yesterday the 4th!

Being that I'm interstate at the moment and being kept indoors because of the rain etc - i'm thinking about leaving and going to see Spadadam.

Maybe my cousin if it's possiable.
the one with all the kids. But to tell you quite honestly - I'm over the whole kid thing. The kids hear are really good, extreamly good. But i'm just over it.

What do I want?? I don't know. I want to cry because I don't want to upset my other cousin because I can't afford to go see her.
I feel like I can't really relax hear. It's just.... I can relax but I dunno.
I love my cousin and his kids but I don't want to stay to long.

I'm going to book my flight to see spadadam & bron tomorrow.
I'm just so confused. I'm worring about the money it will all cost.

sigh.

I don't want to stress out about this crap.
i can't not pay my car or my phone or bills.

NEWS FLASH!!!!!

2007-02-02T21:51:00.000+11:00

Flash flooding, torrential weather conditions and cyclone warning …. For where?
I’ll tell you where, THE PLACE WHERE I AM GOING FOR MY HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH. MY. GOD!
I’m just not meant to leave this house! The airport was underwater!
My cousin rang and said that there’s really nothing to do but sit inside and wait it out.
It’s the biggest downfall for 12 YEARS!

My holiday is now just hilarious.
Vietnam falls through – cos Nick cancelled.
Theme park fell through – couldn’t fit in with the package
Surfing sorta fallen through – cos there’s a Great White SHARK circulating the bay and the seas!
Now my interstate trip is on CYCLONE WATCH!!!!!!!!!!
UNBELIVABLE!!!!!
I just have to laugh because this is really ridicules !
Hilarious!
I was thinking about going to a island off the coast but now – maybe not. Just see how things turn out and just say yes to everything.
Why not! What have I got to loose!?

Holidays at last, at last holidays are hear ar last!!!!!

2007-02-02T14:36:00.000+11:00

They better not go to quickly!
I fly outta hear and go to the sunny hot coast tomorrow morning.
Flight leaves at 6am.
This week was better from about tuesday or Wednesday night. That was when I think i stopped feeling so wound up from my brother.

I have to go now.
I don't know how much i'll be blogging in the next three weeks.
I'll have my mobile on but I doubt i'll answer any calls who aren't my friends outside work.
I just want to get away from it all.

Arr - bliss - Holidays, gotta luv them :)

Nick came back from his holidays.
He's back to being nice-ish. He's just another screwed up personality who does backflips from one extreame to another.
Oh well.

Yea! holidays!

I'm going to go color my "natural" red hair ;)

2007-01-28T20:00:00.000+11:00

I am soooooo tired.
I thought I had a fever today.
I hate being a female sometimes.
Did I tell you I'm tired.

i don't really want to go interstate now. i haven't got much money and I'm slowly going into debt. Great.
Not on my credit card but on my mums.
yeesh.

Went to Church twice today. 9am then came home and slept. Then slept alomst another broken 6hours then went to the night service.
Sigh.
I need to get rid of this hate in my life. It's destroying me.
I want to leave this house and my discusting awful, verbally abusive brother.
He causes me so much anger and grief. He is the hate in my life.

It's exausting to hate but I can't help it. I try not to - like last night for expmple. i started to complement him about his new car. Ok, Good start.
Less then five minutes later I"m a
"Stupid, Fucken, lazy bitch"
WHY?? Because I didn't bring the towels off the line. To Which mind you I was at work, went out shopping then they were damp and I was going out. So instead of bringing in some towels - to which I had also washed AND put out, I decided to sit down because I was really tired and had to go out.
When he said that I arked up and gave it back.
I was SOOOOO angry that by that stage I just broke.
It's not fair. I've looked for other places to live but they won't accept dogs and the other was asking to much for what it was.
I still went out and I rang my mum in tears whilst driving.
She said she would talk to him.
My night had turned to crap by that stage that I didn't want to go out but had no choice. I may as well have just not gone I staied an hour then came home. I was just too upset to stay and dance and pretend to have a good time.
I'm done pretending.
I'm over it.
I came home and brother was in bed. He called out a apoligy. Whatever.
He says it so often "Sorry" "oh, sorry" yeah - You know what? Means NOTHING!
NOTHING! NOTHING! Five minutes later he says the same thing again! It's like it's giving him the ok to say it because don't worrie - he'll apoligise and it will all be ok. well FUCK!
IT'S NOT! IT'S REALLY NOT!!!!!!!!
I HATE swaring but it seems relavant. I HATE HIM! There's NOTHING ABOUT HIM THAT I LIKE! HATE! HATE!HATE!!!!!!!
I'm still angry.
This is what I mean. All this happened at about 8 o'clock last night and I'm still FUMING! I didn't see him today as he was working but he just came home said that he needs to go back to work and return something then left again.
I ignored him. Compleatly ignored him.
Soon I know that he won't be ablr to take me ignoring him and then he'll abuse me for ignoring him.
Forgive and forget you say? NO. This happens to often.
WAY WAY WAY to often.
I have a headache and yesterday it was an instant headache.
He starts yelling and I HATE HIM!!!!!!
It goes on constantly. I live with this.
I have no support and it's not through lack of trying.
Sigh.
I needed to get that out.
Oh God, help me.

Saturday night out? Give me a glass of Red, pen paper and my guitar and i'll be happy

2007-01-27T18:24:00.000+11:00

I brought a snorkel and goggoles today :)
I was with Tim and I was debating weather to get it or not but I didn't know where to use it. I asked if he'll come out with me (because I've never done it before and he has and knows where to go)and he said yes.
So That's good.
I'm off to go play my guitar. I like it even if I do just do my own thing, I like to just kinda go along and make up stuff.

I'm also going out tonight eith Raff. I really don't want to.
I don't want to go out to any more nightclubs i'm over it. Sleezy, sweaty guys wanting to dance - Ew.
With the right people and place it could be fun but I know Raff wants to pick up and I just have beyond no intention.
And - I'm tired. I'd much rather go out to the pool room and just chill, play pool and have a few drinks with friends.

I miss Thea.
I spoke to her this morning and she sounded a little... reserved.
Maybe she's just confused, stressed with her new job and moving house/state.
Now being in Seattle she'll have to make a whole group of new friends and It's probably that she's just having to find her feet.

I hope she doesn't think that ... Tim (her long distance Boyfriend) and I will do anything.
Not going to happen. I wouldn't do that to her and he is besotted by with her.
Loves her till the end of the earth and back.

I guess i'll just pray for her.

b bye

I thought this was quite true!

2007-01-25T14:41:00.000+11:00

Here are are some words that are hard to say when your drunk…
1 - Innovative
2 - Preliminary
3 - Proliferation
4 - Cinnamon

Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk.

1 - Specificity
2 - British constitution
3 - Passive-aggressive disorder
4 - Transubstantiate

Things which are IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk

1 - Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2 - Nope, no more booze for me.
3 - No kebab for me, thank you.
4 - Sorry, but you're not really my type.
5 - Look mate, I've told you, I'm not interested in a fight.
6 - No way, I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing.
7 - Thanks for asking, but I don't want to dance. I have no
co-ordination and hate to make a fool of myself.
8 - Where is the nearest public lavatory? I absolutely refuse to
pee in the street.
9 - I must be going now as I have work in the morning.
10- No no Im fine… I can ride that Buckn Bull… no buckn worries

Mmmm …..

me today

2007-01-21T16:49:00.001+11:00

Well, Today I rode a horse. Not just any horse but a HUGE one. He’s a Clydesdale cross. I’ve been told it’s ok to ride him because he’s owner doesn’t ride him much and he’s young and just sitting in the paddock.
It was good. Being that it was really, really windy he didn’t like that and told me so by running out and giving a buck/pigroot type thing, which almost got me off.
He’s a sweet horse, loves cuddles.
Hates wind. The wind just spooks him.
I haven’t told my mum because – I don’t want to talk horsey stuff. I don’t care about feed and different types, shoes and rugs and just little things. I just don’t want to talk about any horsey stuff with her. What I should and shouldn’t be doing etc. Yeah that really use to drive my crazy.
She knows everything – so she thinks. And she does know a lot – but I just don’t want to hear it.
I know what I’m doing for now and if I need help, I’ll look elsewhere.
I rode for half an hour and I was stuffed! I'm beyond not fit.
I'm going to be sore tomorrow!

Went out last night for Theas good bye drinks / Yoshies Birthday.
It was freezing cold and he was a little drunk (I wasn’t) but he was flirting with me a bit and I really wasn’t with him. I don’t want to give out any signs.

So yeah.
That’s today and last night.

See ya!

me today

2007-01-21T16:49:00.000+11:00

because I don't want to sleep just yet hear are some useless facts about me in a quizz

2007-01-19T15:42:00.000+11:00

1. Where did you take your default picture?
New Years eve it's a cut down at a friends house
2. What exactly are you wearing right now?
one black and one light blue ancle socks, purple and white tyedyed fisherman pants, hot pink boob tube

3. What is your current problem?
tiredness

4. What makes you most happy?
sunshine, beach, good friends

5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
M*A*S*H is on the T.V

6. Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?
Not recently-..touch wood

7. Do you ever watch MTV?
sometimes

8. Name something that's really annoying to you?
people who are quick to judge
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1:

1. First name: karen

2. Nickname(s): kaz, kazzy

3. Current location: lounge/family room

4. Eye color: gray/blue/green - depends with what I wear

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 2:

1. Do you live with your parents? no

2. Do you get along with your parents? mum i do

3. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? divorced

4. Do you have any siblings? one brother
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 3: Favorite...

1. Ice Cream: none don't eat it

2. Season: summer

3.Color: sky blue

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 4: Do You..

1. Write on your hand? sometimes

2. Call people back:yeah

3. Believe in love?: debatable

4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed? left side

5. Have any bad habits? bite my nails

6. Any mental-health issues? Issues...what issues....you saying I have issues... what....do I...I don't know...are you looking at me?? ... ;)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 5: Have You..

1. Broken a bone? nope

3. Had physical therapy? yep

4. Gotten stitches? yes

5. Taken painkillers? oh yeah love that one!

6. Gone SCUBA diving or snorkeling: snorkeling once.

7. Been stung by a bee? yes

8. Thrown up at the dentist's office: nope

9. Sworn in front of your parents: yeeesss.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 6: Who/What was the last

1. Movie you saw? persuit of happiness

2. Person to text you? no one

3. Person you called: Raff

4. Thing you touched? The keyboard

5. Thing you ate? honey on bread

6. Thing you said: shh

7. Last person you kissed? Yosh

AND ANOTHER ONE.....
1. WHAT CURSE WORD DO Y0U USE THE MOST?
God dam it!

2. DO YOU OWN AN IPOD?
ipod?

3. WHAT PERSON ON YOUR TOP 8 DO YOU TALK TO THE MOST?
thea at the moment

4. WHAT TIME IS Y0UR ALARM CLOCK SET TO?
0445am except sat when it's 0630

5.WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND?
thea

6. DO YOU WEAR FLIP-FLOPS WHEN IT'S COLD?
sometimes

7. WOULD Y0U RATHER TAKE THE PICTURE OR BE IN THE PICTURE?
in it! :D

8. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
persuit of happiness

9. DO ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE CHILDREN?
yep one and it's bazzar

10. HAS ANY0NE EVER CALLED YOU LAZY?
yep! I don't clean my room or ... much

11. DO YOU EVER TAKE MEDICATION TO HELP YOU FALL ASLEEP?
yeah - anything that works!

12. WHAT CD IS CURRENTLY IN YOUR CD PLAYER?
evermore

13. DO YOU PREFER REGULAR OR CHOCOLATE MILK?
soy milk
14. HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU A SECRET THIS WEEK?
yep

15. CAN YOU WHISTLE?
yep

17. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
face, hair then what ever stands out.

18. DO YOU THINK PEOPLE TALK ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK?
don't care

19. DID YOU WATCH CARTOONS AS A CHILD?
yeah

20. WHAT MOVIE DO YOU KNOW EVERY LINE TO?
far and away

21. LOOK TO YOUR RIGHT. WHAT DO YOU SEE?
my guitar

22. LOOK TO YOUR LEFT. WHAT DO YOU SEE?
empty bottle of red wine :D

23. DO YOU OWN ANY BAND T-SHIRTS?
Negative

24. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SALAD DRESSING?
french maybe

25. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
I dunno

26. DO YOU DO YOUR OWN DISHES?
sometimes

27. EVER CRY IN PUBLIC?
have done depends on the reason

28. ARE YOU ON A DESKTOP COMPUTER OR A LAP TOP?
laptop

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY WANTING ANY PIERCINGS OR TATTOOS?
tattoo thiniking bout a piercing and perhaps another tattoo

30. WHATS THE WEATHER LIKE?
humid

31. WOULD YOU EVER DATE ANYONE COVERED IN TATTOOS?
probably not

32. WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE THIS?
come home from work, got changed then jumped on to the net

33. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SLEPT ON THE FLOOR?
hmm... when I was a teenager....passed out

34. HOW MANY HOURS OF SLEEP DO YOU NEED TO FUNCTION?
bout 8

35. DO YOU EAT BREAKFAST DAILY?
yes

36. ARE YOUR DAYS FULL AND FAST PACED?
most are with work...

37. DO YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE CALORIES IN THE PACKAGE?
no
38. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Yeaaahhh.....ish
39. HOW OLD WILL Y0U BE TURNING ON Y0UR NEXT BIRTHDAY?
26!!!!!!!!!!!

40. ARE YOU PICKY ABOUT SPELLING AND GRAMMAR?
na

41. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO SIX FLAGS?
where?

42. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM?
no

43. DO YOU LIKE MUSTARD?
not really

44. DO YOU GET ALONG BETTER WITH THE SAME SEX OR THE OPPOSITE?
both depends on the person

45. DO YOU SLEEP ON YOUR SIDE, STOMACH or BACK?
fall asleep on my stomach wake up on my side

48. WHO WAS THE LAST PERS0N TO MAKE YOU MAD?
brother

49. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
everyone

50. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU PURCHASED?
hmmm.... I didn't exactly "purchese" it but I paid the Vet $500 in a bill does that coun't??

I need my health!

2007-01-19T14:58:00.000+11:00

I’m honestly addicted to caffeine!
I get a headache and my heart thumps funny like if I don’t get it.
I have to dry myself out – over my holidays.

My boobs have been sore for days, it’s like a stabbing pain and really sore to touch.
My stomach is bloated, legs hurt and I can’t concentrate.
This is my health I don’t want to mess with it.
Yeesh.

I can’t wait till I don’t have to work.

My overies are twisting and throbbing! I feel so bloated! I’m really tired.
I need sleep.

Bye.

I'm complaining. Lots. yeah. Whatever.

If only....

2007-01-16T20:05:00.000+11:00

Something that has made me happy – Playing my guitar.
No matter what, I just seem to get lost in it.
I like it.
So off I go - Now, to get lost in that feeling of when things just fit and sounds just come and it all seems so sound like things make sense.

I feel bloated and gross.
I’m addicted to caffeine.

Sometimes I just want to be…….
Well do things I know I shouldn't. Things that would help me escape this crap and maybe give me just a little.... hmmm.
Sometimes…. only sometimes....I know how.
And it’s not good and I only have myself to stop me.
Should I be tempted I would say no but…..
Catch me in a moment where I just no longer care….
I just might….

But it's still the start to a new year and it's going to be better

2007-01-14T22:13:00.000+11:00

How did I get like this? I think like I don't care. You know what- I'm not sure I do.
I need to get caring again. I need to feel love and give love.
But I don't want to. i need to but I don't want to.
I guess it all sounds a little stupid.
Maybe because I see Thea with her Boyfriend I don't feel jelous I'm happy to see her happy and in love him too. Espicially since I know them both and know how much they mean to eachother.
It's really good for them.

I guess I'm looking forward to my holidays now but... I still feel like...
i'm going to be alone... a little scared to be by myself in a caravan park when there's no one really there.... without Damon...

I guess that's the part i'm not so hot about.

My brother drives me to the brink.

I have no support.
I feel like I have no support.
No one cares.
Really.

This is the not so hot part about being single.

Yet I still don't want anyone.
sound screwed up?
yeah. That's me at the moment.

But it's still the start to a new year and it's going to be better.

I'm over it.
Whatever.

Today

2007-01-14T01:37:00.000+11:00

I'm so very tired today went out to the hot springs and had a stand off with one of the guys I went with. Who could stay in the Sauna the longest at 70 degreese.
we called it a draw - But we both were a little a worse for wear by the end o it.

It was a good day at work today.
it's been a long day and I'm stuffed.
Better go...

$500!!!!!!!

2007-01-11T20:40:00.000+11:00

I took Damon to the River yesterday. $500 and a little worse for wear he's home and quiet. A little cut which was really rather long and deep bleed alot.
So he had to be re vaccinated so I did it all in one hit.
Sheesh.
There goes any holiday money I thought I was going to have!

more changes....

2007-01-07T22:19:00.000+11:00

Sigh.
I’m not looking forward to my holidays.
It just really spells alone and expensive.
I’m thinking I might stay at home. This is a bad idea because my brother will be at home. Good idea because I can go out to many places I just can’t usually do because I get tired.
I’ve just felt really crap all day.
Thinking I can go out to the beach and surf….
Go to listen to poetry as I use to before I got sick.
I can go to the festival that goes on for a week.
I can take Damon to the river.
I can go see my other best friend who I don’t see to much cos she lives so far away.
I can read my books and play my guitar.
I can write.
See Fi and just do my own thing.
I can do all these things…… but….. I think about these things and I think kinda think…. Sometimes I want to do them on my own and other times…. I don’t.
The poetry things I can do on my own. I always have you just go and meet people there. The guitar and reading is good alone.
The festival I can get someone to come with me I’m sure.
Sometimes I’m really confident in that I think I can do it. I can. I will.
Then only minutes later I’ll be thinking…. Maybe not. I’ll be alone.
Then I think well….I’m sure that I’ll be able to keep myself busy.
I’m really sure I can.
It wouldn’t be so costly and I think I can make the most of it. Go away for a little bit… down to the beach…. Up to the coast to see my cousin. The guy not the one with al the kids. He’s got three kids.
I’ll just go up there for a weekend then come back. The kids are at school and my cousins working. So there’s really nothing for me up there.
I have been wanting to go to the festival for three years and go to the market on a Saturday. This makes me look forward to the holiday.
I can only rely on me.
Me. No one else.
If I want to do this I will. The holiday is what you make of it.
Yeah. That’s right. Defiantly.
Life is what you make of it. God, Just do it. Just look forward to it and 3 weeks of NOT working. Doing what ever you want to.
That makes me feel ….. nice. Good.
That’s right now…. Hopefully I keep thinking like this….
And my attitude won’t change in ten minutes…..

Saturday night....

2007-01-06T16:55:00.000+11:00

Lets go out, do something fun. I thought about going out to a nightclub but I'm too tired... then Raff seems to have heaps of energy hence I'm now going out.
Should be fun anyway - but no more kissing Brazillian men.
I don't want another throate infection or aulcers....gross.
Yosh didn't give me that!
So I need to finish this cuppa tea, watch the rest of "Medium" and then go for a run.
ok? bye bye

this week is going to be full on.
Mk's away on holidays again... I'm looking forward to my time off.
I need a break.

The latest update on my holiday.

2007-01-05T21:29:00.000+11:00

Kat told me today that because of the package deal with the holiday... the package won't let another person stay. Me.
Sigh.
I don't know...looks like i'll just stay in a motel/hotel if I can...
Near where they will be staying... I just think... Sigh.
It might be nice by myself up there...
The wedding I was talking about well it's very small / only real close friends and family. Were not real close.... I don't really mind but i guess she won't care if I don't go... If Im in the city I will tho. I just won't go to the reception...then again... If everyone else is going I don't think I really want to be the one saying "well have a good night" .- and I walk off...

Oh well... Maybe i'll just have a great time alone. Reading, spending time with me.
Doing what I want. yeah - I'll go out, spend time with the others I'll just also enjoy my own company and not working! Yeah. Yeah. That's it.

Convinced yet? Yeah. I'll just be me and do what I want. yeah. yeah.
Sigh.

long rambelings on my non existant relaionship brain!

2007-01-05T15:30:00.000+11:00

I went to the river yesterday. A group o us were meeting up at various times.
I met Yoshi there.
I didn’t want to kiss him. I don’t know. I just kinda …..
Well hear it is. He’s nice, not all that confident around girls….
We flirted a little but I could feel myself just being … I dunno.
I didn’t kiss him when we met up. Strike 1 – I usually do to everyone it’s not really even a kiss it’s just like a cheek thing – like what Italians do.
That sort of, I guess changed things. Because I didn’t want to lead him on I didn’t really flirt with him a lot. It use to come REALLY easy – at times I didn’t realise I was! Theas the same. But I thought about it to much and I guess what it was, was that deep down I’ve got serious issues. I don’t really like men.
I’m treating them as objects.
I mean I like some just not the ones who seem to take an interest in me.
I like the ones who I’m friends with and know I’ll never go out with them.
So anyway I left and gave Yosh a hug an a kiss on the cheek goodbye.
“I’ll see you soon”
I just thought ahhh…. “yeeaahh….possibility”
“ok”
I spoke to Thea and her now Boyfriend “Parks” about it. They kept saying it was fear and I should just do it but I know – really I know that, it’s not going to go anywhere so why lead the guy on.
I was lying in bed, hating the fact that I should of just told him at the river that I wasn’t interested but I was stuck in two hard spots. I kinda like the guy but then I squash any feelings because I don’t like men as general – not EVERYone just in general.
(I said something to Jas once – he replied with “Hey, I have feelings too you know”
I don’t remember what I said but I remember it was a little harsh and I just thought – Whatever! See this is where I’m at! I don’t like it and I cant’ stop it!)
So I’m lying in bed and I send a text to him.
“Hey yosh,- my head space with males isn’t really all that great at the moment. It’s probably easier to maybe keep it friends (with occasional drunk benefits:) )
You’re a great guy – hence I know I wouldn’t be the type of person I wish I could be…anyhow – see you again when we do xkaz”
I just figured it was nice and to the point. It was honest.
I know it’s not good but I can’t help it. He replied with
“thank you, I think you’re great too, I hope you know you could make any mans dream come true, you just need the man that makes you happy that you deserve but in the meantime you can have the benefits in a friendship with me if you like”
I told him I’d like that.
So I was glad I was honest and didn’t lead him on.
The guy for now would be – confident – be able to carry on a conversation with me then if the conversation goes well he just goes right ahead and kisses me.
It’s just confidence. If I knew that someone liked me and it was just the two of us around or something I’d sus out the person then just kiss them!
I guess that’s attraction.
Hmmm. Even though Jack is an ass – I still remember the first kiss he gave me. Lol!
I returned it of course then The first thing I say is “ that was unexpected” turn around and walk off!!! This is a guy who I really had a crush on and I did that! Oh well- it was for the best.
Then Eve – he’s kiss. We were on the couch – nothing was meant to happen but then it just did. About 10minutes (if that!) later Desire/ passion/ hunger exploded like a bomb and we couldn’t stop! It was awesome!
I guess the difference is that hear is something I knew wouldn’t last so I didn’t care and it was all desire and lust.

I don’t know.
Confidence just to make the move.
Put his arm around me – mind you this is only if he feels the vibes and knows it’s a mutual thing.
I felt like such a stupid schoolgirl. I just really didn’t want to do anything with him.
So I didn’t.
If I want something I try and get it. But usually it’s something I want for now not the future. Cos in the future I don’t really want anyone.
This too is my problem. I know people say it happens when you least expect it but what about when you just don’t want it? You refuse/decline and turn off. You don’t allow anyone to get to know you because you don’t want them to…know much…. or too much….
That’s me! I just find that I’d prefer to be single.

There’s a guy who has asked me out to drinks two or three and I decline because he cheated on his girlfriend – (I don’t care if it was a semi open relationship!) Kissing someone else while you have a boy/ girlfriend is cheating – in my books.
But the fact that he’s confident enough to ask me a third time shows character and is appealing but only to a point as he’s girlfriend dumped him new years day.
But when I was at the Christmas party we got along and it was fun.

So this is my little screwed up head in the relationship sense – At the top of my blog I have a percentage…. I think I may have to change it to 50% yes and 50% never sure….
Just for now.

It's still not official nothings cemented but....

2007-01-03T20:05:00.000+11:00

So the latest – I’m not off to Vietnam.
I’m going interstate with kat and one of her friends. It’s probably not all that cheaper but it’s what I feel is the better choice.
I just have a very uneasy feeling about going there.
Mainly because I don’t want to go by myself but I just have a bad feeling about going.
So anyway a holiday interstate will be really great. A time to relax and do a lot of not much. A chance to completely relax.
I feel better making that decision…. The only catch is that they booked for a twin share. It shouldn’t really be a problem…. But …..
(There’s something funny on T.V! there is no one speaking when there obviously should be and it keeps on repeating! “Jesus Christ help us all lord!” it’s gone on for like- ten minutes!)

Anyway. It shouldn’t be a problem cos I’d just be bunking up with Kat so it’s not like we need another room.
She’s a little apprehensive thinking that I will want to go and do heaps of stuff outdoorsy – which I may but I’m reassuring her that I will be fine to go off and just do that stuff alone. I do that hear so it’s not a problem.
It’ll be good. I just want to put some money down somewhere or pay for a ticket so it can be cemented that I am actually going to be going somewhere for a holiday.
The place where they are staying is 4 star has it’s own gym and pool backs on to the beach and it’s not peak season so there shouldn’t be packed with people at the theme parks…..
In doing so I will be able to see Thea , go to Cookies wedding, Go to the massive festival happening in my city and poss see Spaadam. And work for Mk so I would only miss out on maybe two days rather then 3.
So it seems that every arrow is pointing in the direction to stay in this country for now.

New Years – My New Years Resolution? I want to see through the 14 km run in April. I went for a jog last night, it was really hot so I didn’t go for long but I’ll do it again tonight. Start slow.

Gotta go!

It worked!

2007-01-01T20:34:00.000+11:00

Happy New Year!!!!!!

About 5 seconds after this it was a prymid effect - it was all over - a very drunken night!

NO PHOTOS

2007-01-01T16:01:00.000+11:00

Happy New year!
I kissed this guy Yoshi, he’s cute.
I had a great time! Really good.
Very drunk and very hung over now.
I must go but I’ll try and download a pic.
45 min later
.... and it STILL DIDN"T WORK!!!!!!!!!!

2006 review

2006-12-31T15:57:00.000+11:00

Goodbye 2006.
A year it has been.
Not what I expected – at all.
Health wise - The whole glandular thing really sucked. But I guess it taught me a thing or two about being so busy, to take time out and slow down.
Relationship wise – I’ve had friends come and go, but one who I smile about is the very nice Irish lad who came to me from God (really- I prayed for him) and encouraged me to develop a different approach to poetry and helped me to grow in confidence. What I asked God to give me – he did, in Ian.
Sex wise – yeah – grew in that department too. Opened my eyes that’s for sure!
Said and did things I didn’t think I’d do – No regrets there! :))
Family – grew in one way, it just reinstated that my father is a dick. Forever.
God? – I Grew. I was challenged and I continued to believe and have faith.
Love – Made the obvious difference between falling in love and loving though lust.

All in all it’s been …… well better then the year before but hopefully not as good as the next.
Bring on 2007!
Happy New Year !!!!!!

Issues?

2006-12-30T08:09:00.000+11:00

My best friend has this thing for a guy. They have known each other for about 8 or 9 years.
He likes her – as I found out last night.
They went out briefly 8 years ago. First love.
He has waited for her for 2 years and told me last night he would wait another 1.
I didn’t think those guys existed in today’s society!
He loves her.
I got all choked up.
I must have just had a vacant look on my face because he told me everything then said “So now your turn. Spill”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you look like you’re a million miles away.”
I managed a smile while I was crying on the inside. That feeling of all your insides twisting and lodging in your throat.
“ Me? - No –it has nothing to do with Thea.”
“Yeah – spill”
“No, It’s not the right time, place – or person – sorry”
With that I turned around and walked off. I didn't look back. I couldn't.
I didn’t want to look like awful person after just hearing this guy pour his heart out to me about my best friend then asks about me.
No.
I’m not opening up to some one – it just creates closeness and it’s not a good idea especially to him.
So without crying in the pool hall or in front of him I just said goodbye and walked out. I lasted half way to my car. Tears welled up and spilled out. I couldn’t stop them.
It confronted me with one of – my main issues I have with men.

Before we went to see him – (he works at the pool hall)
Thea and I saw “the holiday” with Cameron Diaz. It was a chick flick and I walked out wanting a hug or something. Thea said the same thing.
I didn’t like it.

I had a dream that Dave was shorter. Because he was always stooping.
I dreamt that we had sex once and I got Pregnant.
I wanted to get rid of it but because I kinda liked him I wasn’t sure and then I was having to break the news to people and I hated it and I was really in two minds about what I wanted. A single life or to have a kid. And I remember thinking this would end my life.
Dave then wanted it and I was all like, I don’t know.
I wasn’t sure.

I was VERY happy to wake up.
And realise that’s a dream – in reality I’m single and have no one.
And no one will ever feel like that about me.
By the way did I mention that looks like Jack will be marrying his girlfriend? The one he cheated on with me. (I didn’t know about her till after – of course!)
Other old friends are getting married in Feb and I think Eve’s still with his Girlfriend.
Thea and Tim are in love and so is just about EVERYONE around me.

Good Morning.
Vallum anyone?

Christmas is over for another year

2006-12-28T14:44:00.000+11:00

Oh, I'm so tired.
I ate so much over Christmas - three days later and i'm still paying for it!
yuk.

I'm going to go and have a sleep.
I haven't called Dave since Christmas Eve.
I think he got the message.

I'm becomming more rounder. Everywhere. good ol` Christmas.
I'm stuffed.

I want Eve. For one thing.
Dam.

Hear's to thinking about next year!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

2006-12-24T21:06:00.000+11:00

Be safe on the roads, and for your Christmas

I HOPE YOU ALL GET LAIED!!!!!

(Someone has to, even if it's not me!!!)

Just realx and maybe not care......yeah.

2006-12-23T22:02:00.000+11:00

So I go on a date with Dave. Yes the “non date “ (on my terms) turned out to be a “date”. He picked me up went to the restaurant (he paid) then we went walking about looking at Christmas lights.
It was nice. He’s a nice guy….. but….
There’s always a but.
I came home and my head was screaming – give me back single life! I lay on my bed just thinking that I don’t want to lead this guy on – at the end of the date (in which I managed to drop food from my mouth – again!! I just did it and laughed it off but I thought – AGAIN! Oh my GOD!) he asked me out again. What can I say – looking at him??
“Yeah…ok – yeah….it was nice” (agreeing with him)
So today I just kinda thought… Maybe not….
I haven’t kissed him. I’ve only seen him 3 times!
I don’t think I really want to kiss him…. He’s … I’m going to say it – to nice!
I’m just think if I kiss him it showing interest when really – I’m not.
I’m just not interested in a relationship. I’m not interested in being with anyone! I really don’t want to! I want to have male friends and not feel like I’m being “bad” if I continue to see them when I know they may like me….
I just think what I need is someone who is really casual about things ad just doesn’t really care. You know – I think it’s because then I don’t want to feel like I’m going to hurt any feelings if I decide to say – ‘sorry but…” – and I can’t do that to Dave. I tried tonight but … I just didn’t know how to put it! With everyone else I’m really up front but I guess I just think he may have a complex because … of his height or something.
See – his 6 foot 5 inches. He had to duck to walk under the doorway. But the truth is that it’s me and not him. I’m just really not interested in being “tied down” as such…
But on top of that – there was no real – you know – that amazing feeling/interest.
I just didn’t have any real – Chemistry.
When I looked at Eve we both just went – nice - I want that.
The mind races and you just feel/show a little more interest and see what you get back.
Yeah – There wasn’t that with Dave.
Oh well.

Eve. I saw a picture of his girlfriend. He showed me.
She’s nothing like me.
She was laying on a fold out bed in his apartment – yes laying fully clothed on a FOLD up bed. She was lying on her side looking up at the camera hair to the side one arm up and looking at the camera – not smiling just looking.
What the??!
“She’s a Christian” he tells me.
I look at him “Uh huh” – my first thought was she’s smaller then me.
Then she has very dark hair medium length. Pritty enough.
Just the opposite of me. I have long red/copper hair. Curly (and I straighten it).
But I would never let him take a photo of me. He tried. I was lying on my side after a raunchy night and I was just recovering lying on the floor, the most I had on was the rings on my fingers. You get the picture. Then a flash went off! I jump up and his got his camera out.
“Delete it!”
He wouldn’t but then I found it and he deleted it in front of me.
No way. Any photos like that is not a good idea.
She’s 22 years old and obviously – by the fact that she didn’t have sex with him and she’s a “Good Christian” yet she’s lying on top of HIS bed AND the fold out and allowing him to take the photo – I think it shows an immature person.
How about we just lie out some meat in front of a tiger and tell him not to eat it.
Ridicules.
Eve couldn’t believe she actually didn’t sleep with him either.
I just laughed.
It seems he doesn’t really care about her. He only cares about himself.
Oh well.
I asked him if he knows what his getting for Christmas.
He said he didn’t really need/want every thing.
“Yeah – what do you get someone who has it all??” I say
I smiled “I know something that you won’t be getting this Christmas”
He looks at me and laughs – He agrees.
It’s been over a year now since I met him and started shagging him.

I’m tired.
I’m going to go and play my guitar.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

So I wake up Saturday morning and hate men - yet only 16 hours later ...I give out my number......

2006-12-18T20:02:00.000+11:00

I asked everyone to the carol by candlelight last night and it was good.
The good part is that everyone made an effort and came along.
I called Dave - the guy who I met the night before. I had to call around to get his number I got it and he ended up comming.
It was good we hung back for about an hour after everyone left and chatted.
He's nice - i'm just taking it as it comes.
He asked me out on Thursday. I said yes but let the record show that this is not a date.
It's a meeting of two people who enjoy just getting to know eachother in a relaxed atmosphere - simply just talking.
Thea messaged me, so I called her.
"So did you hook up with him? Tell me the goss"
"Nothing to tell - we just talked"
And honestly that's all.

Eve replied to my message I sent out inviting everyone to come along....
He actually replied.
"I can't come out tonight - i'm out with my GF"
oh.
I just looked at it for a sec - well actually probably about 20 seconds.
Just taking in those few words.
He's taking someone out.
He dosen't know me as much as I don't know him.
Maybe. I think I may know him a little better then he thinks but....
I have others to just what I think of him.
But I think we both really just did what we did with eachother. We have learnt that we can't trust eachother and it's really not the people we are. The sex was real but that's maybe about it.
I don't think either of us would actually say the things we said to eachother to someone who we really liked.
I know I wouldn't.
Maybe i'm being naive ...-again.

Nat got mugged this morning. Poor guy. I went and saw him this afternoon. We looked at old photos and took his mind off it.
Poor Nat. They got $20 and he's $20 watch his mum gave him. She never gave him anything and it was really special to him.
Stupid drugged off there heads males. Three of them.
Poor Nat.

My number.....

2006-12-17T00:31:00.000+11:00

So how over guys am I ?
Yeah – I went out to a BBQ tonight and then the same crowd went down to the pool hall. I got talking to this guy a friend of Thea’s sister and he was nice and we got chatting. He was about to leave when he said
“So when am I going to see you next?”
“um – New Years maybe”
“Can I have your number?”
“yeah sure”
I never give out my number but being that he’s a friend of a friend I figured it’s safe.
He won’t call and I’m in two minds weather I want him to or not.

Mk went a little mad at me today in regards to the texts that Jess sent.
He said I should of just expressed my disgust in what he was doing and ended it then and there but I just keep texting back. I know I should of just stopped it and done it.
If there is ever a next time I will.
Then I got my pay out of the till and he was like “just pay yourself then” he was annoyed that I did that too.
Great.
I wish I didn’t care what he thought of me.
I guess I get a little to caring about the nice men in my life.
I drove home crying.
I really hated the fact that he thought I was playing with Jess.
I wasn’t. Yet I really should have just ended it.
I’ll know if there is ever a next time.
I don’t want a next time.

I’m tired.
Sleep now.

Naive? Maybe.

2006-12-16T08:14:00.000+11:00

Yep – that’s right naïve.
I get a text at 2.12AM – I was sound asleep.
“Even though I have a girlfriend. My heart flutters a strange beat when I see you, You have a good Christmas get yourself a boy. A nice boy.”
I had to completely wake up because at first I thought maybe it’s from someone who mistakenly sent this to my number – I re read it then realised that I hadn’t stored Jess’s number in my phone yet and – yep, it’s him.
I didn’t lead him on or anything! I gave him NOTHING”S
I replied with “I’m done with boys. Bring on another 4.5 years of single years….Have a great first Christmas with Suzie and a safe trip up to your mums”

“Ok. Something special about you tho. My little red head free spirit”

“Why you laugh at me? If I find you so attractive surely really can’t be in love with my Girlfriend. Or do men just like what they can’t have. I’m drunk”

“My little red head free spirit makes me smile/laugh. If you don’t really love someone , it’s not fair for them or yourself to look for other options with out sorting things out with them or ending it first if that’s what has to happen. Maybe I’m a little old fashioned that way”

So anyway – I thought Jess was Mr Nice guy – turns out he’s just like all the others.
I don’t think males look at it in the same way women can. Or the way I do at least.
I mean if someone is texting me etc while they have a girlfriend then what’s to stop them from doing the same when they are with me? This is what goes on all the time!
Jack, Hat man, the married guy! And that’s only to name a few! It’s happening more and it really makes them look well….I just feel kinda like – I put them all in a bag of guys who would cheat on their girlfriends / me.
There all nice guys – of course. Yeah. Obviously. Whatever.
Makes me feel sad. It’s not a boost for the ego it’s just depressing that all guys who hit on me have girlfriends/ long term partners/ fiancé or WIFE!!! And they are all looking for one thing.
A play thing. Whatever. I’m over it. TOTALLY over it.
I’m getting angry about the whole thing.

Dam it – he was meant to be a nice guy!

I gotta go to work.

a couple of nights

2006-12-15T23:10:00.000+11:00

So I went out last night and had a blast! :))
It was another work party – I wasn’t drinking again and again got asked by random people if I was and when I was leaving there was a lot of “What!! No!”
So that’s always kinda funny.
One of the guys who work for us wants me to just “hang out” and another wanted to go out again with the group. It was fun and really just a great group of people.
I was being “watched” so to speak – I was told on a few occasions “shouldn’t you be going to bed” and “what are you still doing hear?” – I left at midnight :)
It was just to fun to leave! I got up and played (very badly) the bass guitar and then moved on to the drums when the band wasn’t playing. They thought it was a bit of a joke. I liked it.
Then this morning I sent a text from my computer wishing a worker/guy a happy 31st birthday. He used to turn off or not answer his phone in the mornings until he met me.
I didn’t think it worked so I called him – it was 6am and I sang Happy Birthday to him :)) He thought it was funny. Ended up that he got the text and he was about to send one back.
“oh, don’t do that cos everyone in the office gets the reply- about 30 people”
He laughed and said he wouldn’t…..yeah :)
About half an hour later I see I get an email
“Thanks for the strip o gram at 5am this morning but I don’t think the companies funds should really stretch that far – she looked cold”
Nothing was said by anyone besides Raff and Eza – they just laughed.
Jess invited me out to his birthday drinks tonight and said to bring Raff too. She didn’t want to come so I asked Thea. It was nice – we stayed for about an hour and a bit before we left. Jess wants to go out to see a band or something when he gets back in the New Year. He even made a point of saying “yeeaahhh and maybe not Raff”
Then a little later he said “Yeah, I’d really like it if we could go out and see a band”
So when do I say….BOTH guys have girlfriends... Jess is VERY touchy feely type of person. And he’s really a nice guy so I really don’t think there’s anything in it.
I just don’t want to be stupidly naive but I don’t want to think I’d look and not trust everyone. I’m not that kinda person to “cut someone elces grass”(so to speak)

So it’s been really good. I napped today before I went out so I could keep going.
Out again tomorrow – I don’t know how long I can keep this up before I burn out….

I gotta go it’s late and I have to work tomorrow.
Ciao

Weekend in a happy blur / ish

2006-12-11T19:09:00.000+11:00

Saturday night was a blast :))
I was going to go by myself then we had 2 spare tickets that were already paid for.
They asked if I wanted to invite someone.
So I called Jas (one of our workers) because I had fun with him last time and he’s good value :)
So we went and everyone got on – I didn’t have to worry about him at all.
He talked to everyone, everyone liked him and it was really fun.
Before I left I (as I was driving) I figured I’d drive and not drink.
So I had a midori and lemonade bottle before I left and thought one an hour and a bit –I’ll be ok. Maybe I would have too if I stuck to that….
I usually have two beers (glasses) and I’m … well a cheap drunk that’s all it takes. Tho I had one and a half JUGS (about 6 and a half) glasses of beer and I had a bit of a cocktail drink we all (7 of us) shared. After the 3rd beer I thought – car stays in the city and I’ll cab it home. ... :))
Deb pipes up that I should stay at Jas’s house – I said no buy the end of the 4th I asked if it was ok to crash on his couch.
He said it was.
So I danced and danced and danced some more :)
Everyone left and we stayed on.
We befriended two girls (one who wanted jas ) the other I danced with and around other guys.
Lots with other guys …. :)) There was one Brazilian guy who really couldn’t speak much English but we worked it out. We kissed – a little –well not heaps but not just a little and it was really good. Just dancing close and kissing – me drunk and can’t remember what he looked like …. But the other girl said he was cute.
She was a bit more sober then me:)
When he asked me to see him NEXT Saturday for a BBQ at his house – I was like,
“Hang on – I just need to get a drink”
Yeah – I went and sat down for about 5 minutes found Jas and we hot footed it outta there. I wanted to kiss the guy, stuff seeing him again it was just dance floor fun !
So yeah – We left and cabed it to Jas’s house, I slept on the couch – he sat next to me and kept me awake chatting and (I don’t really remember what was said). It was hours before I went to sleep then woke up with a hangover. Yeeshh.

The next day was 40 degrease I left and picked up my car at 12 noon then joined up with Thea and friends and went to the river then went out for dinner and finished up the day with playing some football (6 of us) I got home REALLY past my bed time but I really had a fantastic weekend :D

Today at work I paid for it – I had NO patience and didn’t really talk that much (to everyone else) because I couldn’t be bothered. I came home and slept for two hours.
Now I gotta go. I want to go and sleep. It’s only 7pm but I’m still really tired.

Ciao for now

The states fires

2006-12-08T14:38:00.000+11:00

The fires are getting worse! They say it's just going to get worse! Oh God!
It's really bad.
There's a haze of smoke covering the sky.
All those animals which can't be saved...

I better go.
I need a nap.

Girly man.... wanted to see me but he's not answering his phone.....

hmmm....

Sex - I'm not

2006-12-07T15:11:00.000+11:00

So Raff’s a bit cracked the sads with me ka sa rarh sa rah – Whatever.
She’s got issues. She told me yesterday that I reminded her of the “out going….. sleeps with every one” (it’s was in an email just one of those funny forward ones going around)
"That's nice" I say unamused. Whatever - she's obviously got issues.
I was then talking about how I had dinner with the ex yesterday and she says
“That’s wrong – you see him more then you see your friends”
I just thought he is a friend but I just said he’s a nice guy and left it at that.
Then I was asked what I’m going to do in the afternoon and I said I’m going to give my hair a good scrub and she pipes and starts laughing
“What?”
“Oh, don’t worrie I shouldn’t say it”
“say what?”
“No really, I shouldn’t say it”
“ok” I say just thinking whatever – I don’t care, so then of course she then decides to say it
“I was going to say “scrubba” ”
“Yeah – that’s great.”
I had stuff to do so I just walked off. I really don’t care – Whatever.
Her issues not mine.

So anyway, I have the Christmas party for work this Saturday – that should be nice :)

Were having massive fires around the state and it’s only meant to be getting worse as the weekend comes along.
I’m going to go now – I need a nap. And Eve… but again not going to happen.
How many times does a guy think about sex in a day cos I bet at the moment I’m way up there with them! Especially when it’s not so busy at work!

longing for Eve...

2006-12-06T21:17:00.000+11:00

I don’t like talking about people in a negative way.
This “blogging” is my thoughts and ok they aren’t so private but if someone confides in me, I’m not about to go and tell anyone what was said to me – It’s just not what you do.
You just don’t. Hence I’m talking about work but life in general too.
So yeah. That’s just my thoughts on that.

I saw the ex tonight. He made me vegetable soup and I brought over the bread – it was nice. We just chat and that’s it. Nothing in it. At all – and I don’t want anything in it.

I’m tired. I need sleep.
Late night last night and again tonight.
I want Eve tonight…
Yeah….
So…..yeah
Not going to happen.
dam.

Changing minds

2006-12-04T21:16:00.000+11:00

Last night was good – it’s nice to tell someone that I’ve been single for 4 and a half years and they look really surprised then ask “Why??”

I’m forever changing my mind about what to do over my holidays.
Bite the bullet and just go over to Vietnam or not.

Nick still hurts.
I really wish he didn’t.

Girly Man is coming down on Thursday! Yea! Catching up with him and his partner for drinks or dinner maybe – well see.

I caught up with a friend today and she’s so beautiful and made me see that just maybe there is really someone out there who will see me for who I am and love me for it….
Yeah – I hate being single at the moment. Holidays are more expensive and I feel lonely. This is a first – I’m actually contemplating perhaps allowing myself to have a relationship…. Maybe.

I don't regret the things i've done but those I didn't do --Live with no regrets -

2006-12-02T18:40:00.000+11:00

So I pushed in the numbers to his room on the intercom.
It rang and again – I really didn’t think he would even be home being that it was almost midnight on a Friday night. It kept ringing – It picked up
“Hi Geek” He sounded surprised.
“Hi”
“Hold on, I’ll come down”
Oh, His got company. His brother maybe…. Or another girl…..
I waited in the Foyer. Being that I had just come back from my work party I was looking rather nice in my new dress and kinda nicely done up.
He came down.
He showed me over to the couches where we sat and talked.
“You look nice, where have you been?”
I told him about my night out.
“So, Who’s upstairs?”
“Just a friend”
“Just a friend – female?”
“Yeah – but it’s not like that”
“ Yeah right – I don’t care”
“It’s not-“
“Is she from church?”
“Yeah”
“Well I better go now”
“What? Why? Don’t be silly – stay and talk for a bit”
“You’ve got a girl upstairs waiting for you and I’m hear come to screw you brains out and it’s not going to happen”
He smiled “Don’t say that… She’s not waiting for me”
(Yeah I know the word “screw” is soooo crass/dirty and crude but seemed fitting. In Heinz sight I should of said “hear I am thinking about seducing you –but oh well)
Hmm.
So we talked Turns out he’s got some 23 year old girl from his church lying on his bed (on top I was told rather then IN - whatever)- staying over- but it’s supposedly - not like that. Yeah – Right! I know what that girl is thinking and don’t tell me she’s not at least hoping/wanting it to happen! Espcially when she’s STAYING THERE!!!
“I’ve gotta go this isn’t right”
“Why?”
“She’s waiting for you and you down hear talking to me”
“She’s not waiting for me”
”Yeah – she is” I picked up my things and headed for the door with him following behind me. I thought that was funny – he walked me outside and we said good bye kiss on cheek – A group of young girls walked out and he saw one he knew – again from church! OMG!
When that crowd left we were still standing at the entrance.
“Everything seems to be very Churchy tonight”
“Yeah” he agreed.
We looked at each other and I was tempted to kiss him something fierce.
Something that would keep him wanting more.
Again – another kiss on the cheek.
I smiled “bye”
“see ya”
I walked off - he watched me. When I turned around he was only just walking through the doors.
Maybe I left a slight impression after all….
Ok – maybe it’s not the best impression to leave but it was only a few weeks ago someone was begging me to come round…..
So yeah.
I wouldn’t do that for anyone else – I mean it may sound “wrong” but I kinda look at it like we just have great sex and that’s it really. I mean – I don’t want to sleep with lots of people – just lots with the one person…. And with him it great so….. Yeah.

My best friend Thea came back today – I hope I don’t get to tired while she’s hear.
I hate feeling tired.

The culprit has been named

2006-11-29T20:10:00.000+11:00

I’m tired today.
Lots of work equals tired me.
Spoke to the other night duty person this morning and it concluded that it was DEFINATLY Nick who wrote the email. My initial reaction was hurt. I guess even tho I knew it was him there was always that maybe sorta ….Well the small thought the .01 % where I thought maybe just maybe it wasn’t him.
It was. It really was.
She agrees along with others who know that he’s mixing his personal life with work and think it’s wrong.
She actually asked him “I thought you two were friends?”
His response –“Yeah, I did too.”
WHAT THE?!!!???!!!???? Hey buddy – I’m not the one who for some unknown reason decides to be so cold and have something snap that makes me mix personal life with friendship!
If that’s he’s attempt to say it’s not me it’s her then I’m afraid he’s sadly mistaken.
It ridicules really. I don’t know what he’s thinking.
I think he’s on tonight hence tomorrow morning.
Sigh. It’s hard to work with someone who… just … I don’t know….
When I look at him I feel like I just want answers. I want to know answers so I can feel or get some sort of emotion for him because right now I just feel a little hurt and I want to know what he’s thinking so I can maybe see how I’m feeling to the reaction of how he’s feeling – make sense?
Yeah.
So….. yeah.
Why is there a stupid little part of me that wants him to say everything just say it all straight in black and white. Tell me everything every thought every emotion every feeling. Tell me where it was where things just went wrong.
Hmm...
Knowing this just amazes me and makes me think again that really maybe I really didn't know him and those "moments" where we just clicked and mid laughter just can't explain when we went out with girly man and his partner.
I guess it's all the past and there is no future. I have to just accept it.

HUH??

2006-11-28T15:47:00.000+11:00

So I took yesterday off work, wasn’t well. Emotionally wreaked and the cold didn’t help.
I go in today and thank God Nick wasn’t there. I was talking to a staff on the phone and she said “I got a call yesterday morning at 9 past 5 in the morning from Nat”
“Nat?? He’s not hear at that time”
“Yeah it was” (being that there are 2 guys in the office they always say nat.
“Oh, No that was Nick”
“Oh – yeah it was really early. Anyway I couldn’t do the shift because I had other plans”
I finished the call and looked at Eza. “What? Nick was calling our staff trying to fill the shift”
“Yeah – I got a few people saying that they got an early phone call too”
So we were thinking, why is that? He makes a complaint about us then he does a back flip and helps ME try and fill the shift before I come in. It wasn’t an ASAP shift and I was quite surprised he did anything!
What is he thinking? He didn’t know that I wasn’t coming in, in the morning – yet he was helping me out…. Huh???
Eza told me he couldn’t look at her when she came in. He stared at his computer screen. Even when she said “morning” to him.
Maybe he’s got a guilty conscience.
I just thought that it was a weird thing to do. What is he thinking?
I keep thinking what girly man had said. I can’t be that much like him cos I’d never just stop talking to someone.
Now I really don’t think I knew him! Who is this guy!

Just FYI the city I live in had snow (enough to ski on) and then only six or seven days later had a day of extreme heat. The hottest day on record for November and everyone had air cons on and were at the beach.
Only in Australia!

back again

2006-11-27T19:40:00.000+11:00

It's amazing how much eaiser it is to get over someone when they write a complaint about you at work. Why you ask? because I "talk to much and distract (the cluprit) from their work" and "I don't answer all my calls in the morning because she's eating breakfast" - Well hey - Who answers all their calls when they (the cluprit) when they go on ten miniute smokos - three times a morning!!!
I can't tell you how petty it was and the other girl whom I was meant to be "talking to causeing distraction" got taken into a meeting too.
In the end I she we told them how it was on both sides and how if anything it's us taking alot of their calls. I said "Let the record show that we would never say anything because we don't think it's a problem - it's team work, and I don't have a problem with taking calls putting them on hold to help them out."
It was so petty. I think he did it because they sorta mentioned it to the other girl in the meeting. It's really something he would do.
Yet, I don't hate him. I don't even dislike him. I think i never really knew him. If this is what he's like. I didn't believe it was him yet - all arrows point in the same direction.

I've been sick since last Wednesday and I had today off. The doctor gave me tomorrow off too but I don't want to stay home as that would mean staying home with brother.

I spoke to my doctor and she thinks I should go away to one of the Islands off Australia for a couple of weeks for a holiday.
If I was to go away - it would be by myself.... I think I will.
She reminded me how sometimes it's nice to have time by yourself.
Yeah. I'm going to look into a cheap deal where I can have 2 weeks of solotary relaxation. Being that I'm feeling suffocated with certain friendships - I really need to get away.

Reasons to sign off for awhile.....

2006-11-21T14:54:00.000+11:00

I feel physically drained and emotionally guttered.
I thought I could get over Nick. If it was up to me now – I wouldn’t see him. It’s killing me seeing him in the mornings and we no longer talk.
It's not in my nature to ignore someone. To make them feel uncomfortable.
I never thought he did that either... I guess he's proven me wrong.
I reread through some emails we sent each other. I delated them soon after but it just made me think again, about how we had really good conversations and related really well. We were friends. Nothing else.
I’m dealing with the rejection (which he said he’s not doing but I can’t see it otherwise) – I feel like his pushed me away. Like there’s something wrong with me (which he said there’s not but it’s something).
I’m dealing with my stupid ass father and brother, Nick, Eve and Drew who is really nice but he flirts with me and I don’t want it to look like I’m leading him on.
He’s just to nice and at 35 screams commitment and just not my sota guy.

I read my Alen Alda book and loved it. But who could I tell who cares?
No one likes M*A*S*H – Who’s he? Yeah.

I hate the fact that I go into work now and don’t talk to Nick.
(My eyes are filling up in tears.)
I hate the fact that he despises me to the point that he doesn’t even look in my direction. What have I done that has made him do a complete back flip?
I feel like if I talk to him it just makes him hate me more.
Once he leaves and I don’t have to see him…..I’ll stop feeling like this…
Out of sight out of mind…….Right.

God. It’s all too much to deal with. I feel like I can’t handle it all.
Relationships. I feel smothered by people.
My one-day off was spent being hung over.
I feel like I need space at the moment. I’ve turned off my phone. I don’t want to “talk” to anyone. I don’t want to see anyone.
I just feel a bit over everything.
I want to go and write. Write a book.
Maybe a short story.

I just need time to me.
I’ve had enough.
I’m going to sign off for a few days.
Just do what I want to do. Read. Sleep. Write. Play my guitar. Spend time with Damon.
Just to be alone.
I’m craving that solitude.

....yeah

2006-11-19T20:37:00.000+11:00

I deleated Eves number - again. The only way for me to get it again is if he contacts me. Yeah.

Christmas is comming soon.
yeah. Great.

I don't look forward to christmas. I like the lead up but this year- it's empty.
I can look forward to my painful brother screaming, yelling abuse at me and consistantly causing me grief because I don't see my father and I don't pretend to like him.
My mum was talking to one of her friends who's daughter is getting married. Mum said "I don't think my daugher would want her father to walk her down the isale, if it was up to her he wouldn't even be invited!"
She told me this and I said "Dam straight. I knew that when I was a kid"
"who would you get to walk you down the isal?"
I think I would walk myself down or - well, it's too far away, I don't think I should even thinking it but sometimes you just do.
No street works.
I feel like that song " So this is Christmas, and what have you done?"
Not alot.
I suggest I go and watch St Theresa the movie again.
Give to those who have not that much.
I love big gatherings.

gross

2006-11-19T17:14:00.000+11:00

Oh God.
Last night I got so drunk and I was such a lady.
I hung my head out Raffs moving car and puked. ALLLL over the passenger door.
I had a foul mouth and I think I’m more really annoyed with the way I was thinking which because I was a tad drunk and hormonal.
To cut it short Raff and I went out originally for a walk. I got pathetically drunk and called Eve. We met up. Just after parking the car with Raff, she told me she didn’t want to go out for more drinks with him.
So I asked if she didn’t mind if I LEFT her and went with Eve! She said no I can. She left and I then get a msg “ Thanks Karen!”
I called her straight away and I asked if she was angry with me? (stupid question)
“Yes I am.”
“ Ok, I’m on my way.” I hung up the phone and looked at Eve – “I gotta go”
“ok”
So I left. But I really hate the fact that I really wanted to go up to Eves apartment.
I was so drunk and I didn’t care and didn’t want to think just do.
But I went back to Raff and proceeded to go back to her house hang my head outta her car and chunder all over the side of her car. We then made about 3 or 4 stops where I had to hurl. It was so disgusting. I got home and stumbled my self into the shower half dressed – Raff came in and helped me as I was such a stupid mess.
I threw up in the shower too.
Oh it was gross.
Eve is… I’m more angry at myself for letting myself do that. To call him , meet up then ditch Raff.
I’m really angry that I did that even tho I ended up going back to see her.
I don’t even like Eve.
Blah.
This morning Drew was flirting with me again.
He asked if I wanted him to massage my shoulder,( as it was a little sore) I said “No.”
Ten minutes later he did anyway. I just thought – hey, don’t want to send wrong signals – I did say I didn’t want it rubbed…..I didn’t want to sound like I was being mean by shrugging him off but later I did just that.
I don’t want Raff to hate me or feel jealous.
I felt really awkward.

I better go.
I have to go shop for food.
I’m just not into men at the moment. In the slightest. At all.
I want to be single – forever.

Hopefully this is the last post about Nick...

2006-11-17T20:16:00.000+11:00

I’m less confused then I was last night.
I re read a text Nick gave me a while ago. When we were “friends”
In my mobile phone I have a section for texts that make me smile and feel better about myself when I’m a little down.
I came across this one from Nick.
To paint the picture I was upset about Girly Man going away and we were planning to go out for drinks.

“ That was me calling…don’t be sad kaz, I’m looking forward to going out on the 16th sure it won’t be the same but anyway Girly Man is alive and walking the earth just knowing this makes me happy. Enough ranting, a BIG warm hug from me. :)”

And I remember him taking a video on his phone of me then awhile (couple of weeks) telling me how he watches it and laughs. It was just a video that I didn’t realise he was taking and when I realised it was really close to me and I got a surprise.
Another time he stood behind me and blew on my neck.
He spoke about the future still just being friends but about late next year.
He use to come and say good-bye to me at work.
We spoke for hours on the phone and it was him calling me a lot of the time too!
This text reminded me of that.
Now – he can’t even look at me. I tried to make small talk yesterday and Nat said that I looked really pathetic trying to make small talk with someone who didn’t want to talk and had really short answers.
Reading the text last night I remembered these things.
I don't feel so stupid thinking maybe it was me.
To go from this to simply being cut off without an explanation baffles me.
But I guess I now feel more like…. I remember the warmth. Real comfort in knowing that he didn’t just wake up one day and hate me – Maybe he just … thought it was for the best. Yeah. So I have to deal with this but I feel now a little better.
I don’t know what I did and he says I didn’t do anything.
I didn’t expect to see him today. I drove into the car park and saw his car. My stomach tightened again. The hurt was fresh as ever and I prayed about it breathed in and faced him. Only to result in no words spoken – at all.
A mutual Good morning but that’s where it ended.

Now there’s also Drew…. Who likes me too.
Raffs brother. I’m trying to tone down that whole situation and just I don’t know talk about different guys, people – I think if I talk about someone else like Nick to him or other guys that’ll turn him away a bit.
I just don’t want him to develop feelings toward me.
I know he’s flirting but I don’t want anything to happen. It’s starting to concern me because he … I don’t know – asks me to come round and we all watch Movies together… I just think… I don’t want him to think we could ever be anything.
He’s 35 and any sort of relationship would spell commitment.
That scares the crap outta me!!!
Relationships scare the crap outa me! Nick – maybe he felt the same way.
It’s got to a point where we were comfortable with each other and just I guess a good friendship.
Ivy asked him the other day what happened to why he doesn’t talk to me – I didn’t ask her to say anything she just wanted to probe him off the own back – but he didn’t let on anything. Didn’t want to “talk behind her back”. He wouldn’t have told her anyway. I really felt 50/50 I didn’t want him to be there- yet, I wanted to see him…. And for him maybe to see me.

Ok. I’m done.
Hopefully that’s enough of Nick.

I’m going to go and read Allen Alda’s Biography. I brought it today.
Yes I love M*A*S*H

Nice to feel all new again

2006-11-15T20:14:00.000+11:00

Well I've been, showered, shaved, waxed, plucked,dyed and dryed.
My hair was looking very faded so nice to be darker and richer in colour again.

About a week and a half ago it was 32 degreese. Now it's 13 degreese and snowing.
Were in the middle of a drought and today it snowed.
Yep only in Australia will you have the aircon on one day & heater the next.

I'm off to play my guitar. I didn't have to go to work this afternoon so hence I had some time. Much needed time.

long post again

2006-11-15T17:17:00.000+11:00

I’ll try and keep this short.
Two nights ago, it was 10.05pm I’m lying in bed drifting off to sleep in a very vulnerable moment. Cos I’ve been feeling confused etc.
My mind drifts to Eve, Wondering what he’s doing being that I was possibility considering….But I was glad that I had deleted his number from my phone.
So it’s 10.05 and my phone rings.
I didn’t recognise the number I actually thought it was Girly Man for the first few sentences of hello.
Anyway it’s the slightly drunken Eve wanting me to come round.
I have to say that I was all for it but I ended up keeping my faith in God and declined his offer.
He rang 4 or 5 times begging me to come over. He was even prepared to pay $70 and organise to get me a cab!
Talking to him he said “don’t get all psychological on me”
“So where is your head space – how does being a Christian come into this.”
He tried to ignore the question.
In the end I didn’t go. I sent this text to him –

“It’s so hard for me to say no, a night with you would be great, mind blowing even but I have faith in God that if I put my faith in him & believe that he’s got something more beautiful for me if I just do what pleases him, he will eventually show me someone who wants me for who I am and I’ll be able to see how good it would be with that person rather then empty sex for self pleasure purpose. It’s hard but it’s not meant to be easy. I care about your mind space at the moment. I hope you understand xo”

He still wanted me to come round.
Above is the truth, the more Eve spoke the more I also just thought stop talking because the more he was saying the more I got totally turned off. He really doesn’t know me.
I was really glad I said no. It was soooo hard being that I was longing to be held, touched and everything that sex brings but no. I rang Raff and I was really glad I didn’t.
I don’t want to give advice to someone and not take it myself.

So anyway.
I am a very relaxed/laied back type of person when it comes to cleaning.
I was told “Your so relaxed you could be comatose” – coming from someone who would never wear an odd pair of socks.

Went out to Raffs last night and had a good night. I coloured her hair and she got annoyed with me. I thought it was because she got a bit of colour on her skin (really wasn’t anything cos I was really careful).
She comes into work this morning and after about 20minutes she asks me if I could go to the toilets with her. So I did she wanted to talk.
We get there and she starts apologising for the way she was last night.
I was surprised. Huh?
“The Colour?” I ask
“No- it’s because I just got really jealous of you last night. I don’t mean to be but I did”
“Huh?? Why??” I tried to think what it could be.
“You know I know my brothers single and your single” – I kept listening
Tunes out she looks to me like a third wheel in a way because I get along with her brother and he talks about me and wants me to come round and she feels like I’m only going over to see him not her. (That isn’t true at all. Raff is a great girl)
They are still getting to know each other being that there is an 11-year age gap between them and he moved out when she was still a kid.
So she still want’s me to come round and doesn’t want anything to change but I think she wanted to let me know how she feels.
I have to take this into consideration now. I don’t think I’ll go over there so much, she can come over hear and I think I’ll just … I don’t know, stop being so…. Me…I guess. Ummm….. ok. I don’t want her to feel like I don’t value her friendship.
When I really do. We laugh all the time and it’s fun.

I had a dream that I kissed Nick.
I think I dreamt it because Ivy from work said that she thinks I really like him more then I let on and I tell myself that I don’t – but she thinks I do.
Hears the thing. She may be right.

I saw him today and my stomach twisted in hurt and I felt like I wanted to cry.
I didn’t let it show of course.
As Nat said to me friends don’t hurt you like that.
I try to remember that. He cares but this is his choice. He’s made his decision….
But…. It still hurts.

It's only my opinion

2006-11-12T20:14:00.000+11:00

I went to Mons after work yesterday and on the way home I just didn’t want to be alone so I rang Raff and we took off on a 8km round trip walk….in thongs (I think another word for them is flip flops?) along the beach. One word. Blisters.
Painful, painful blisters.
We ended up going to the Theme park and went on one ride then like this scare place type maze thing. We laughed and screamed so much it turned out to be a really good night.
Raff was saying how she didn’t really know how to start conversations with people – Well – that’s a green light for me to show her how.
We stoped and spoke to two police people one male and one female. Chatted to them for awhile then, walked down the pier talked to a fisherman – after the theme park we went and had a drink and I started small talk with one of the male waiters there.
It was really a good night.
When we got back to her place her brother had waited up for us – I mean I think he only came home about 20 min before us.
His name is Drew.
We started to watch Harry Potter 3 nearly half way through Raff went to bed. Drew and I stayed up and I fell asleep about 20 min after that. Before going to bed with Raff – in her double bed.
This morning I get up and Drews already up showered and dressed made me tea and breakfast.
I was soooo tired. Raff and I stumble out of bed and on to the couch and we all ate in front of the T.V. Raff went and had a shower. Drew and I kept watching the movie.
- ok this is getting boring. To much detail.
In short – I was sitting there in my PJ’s being introduced to there parents who dropped round. I had to go shower real quick – later I was told that Raffs Dad asked if I slept with Raff? I think he was shocked. I was her first ever sleep over and she had never been allowed to stay over night anywhere in her life.
We all had a laugh about it when they left.

We also went to a budda festival today. My feet were killing me!
I was meant to go there with Nick. I really missed him. I almost cried because I REALLY missed him. Just his conversation the way we clicked.
I saw some incense that I knew he liked and I wanted to buy it for him, but I didn’t. I had to remember and really stop myself but I didn’t. That made me feel a little sad and looking at the garden roses and stuff. I just missed him.
Sigh.
I still had a good time but it’s one of those things where I felt like if I spent to long looking at things or pictures I would be a pain. They kept saying that it was ok and not to worrie but I know that’s not really their thing and I didn’t want to be a pain.
Nick liked that sorta thing. Taking in the views, pictures and the history…. I missed him.
After that we went shopping and I was tired and my feet ached and I complained.
When we got home from that Drew was sitting /lying on the couch I sat next to him and we chatted I had no shoes or socks on.
“Hear” Drew said taking my foot. He put it on his stomach and started to massage it.
It was nice. My feet were really sore. He did it for about 10 minutes.
… we were talking in general about relationships and I said how I didn’t want one and he said he takes things as they come.
Can’t say I didn’t say that I’m not interested…. yeah?
I’m just confused at the moment and I think ….it’s probably in my best interest to just stay as I am. I’m enjoying that and it works.
Drew mentioned that I have to come around and watch the 4th movie…
Yeah….. It’s just fun.

Drew said something to me this morning. He said
”You know how you judge people when you first meet them?”
“Those who judge will be judged themselves – as the bible says”
“Yeah but you know, you just judge them”
“I spend time with them and form my own opinion of them.”
Anyway blah blah blah small talk, and he comes out with
“Your different”
“how?”
“Your not like anyone else”
“No ones like that, everyone’s different What are you saying?”
We laughed
“I’ve been told I’m “Unique” ( in that dumb way joke type)”
“Your different your not like me – go to work, have a hobby or two, sleep and that’s it just the run of the mill type of person”
I think he needs to look or understand more people. Maybe meet more people – Realise that there is no real run of the mill type of person. I think God needs to show him more people/ depth/ glow in people – maybe that’s it.
There’s more to it a door needs to be opened so he can see something I’m not sure but I’m sure God will revile in due time and maybe I can help with that.

not long ater the last post

2006-11-08T20:25:00.000+11:00

My hair is in rollers.
i' drank half a botltel of red. and had two handrfulls of cormfalkes.
BUI isn't all what's it's cracked up 2 be.
I want to email nick. I won't.

men suck. Ya dammed if ya do and dammend if you don't.
and if ya do CrisriNITY WILL be a problem and if you don''t then youjcould be letting someone who is amazing go from your life.

I could tell nick my poetry.

F##k. why did I trust him?
i d0n't want to go to be d alone tonight.

Red emotions in a glass

2006-11-08T19:46:00.000+11:00

I walk into work today and Nick was there. He wasn’t in the room when I got there.
Oookaay.
By the time he came back I was sitting at my desk getting ready for the day.
I made a couple of urgent calls then I realised that I haden’t got my book from my pidgion hole.
I stood up and walked over. I looked up at it and stoped. It seemed like I stopped for about six or seven seconds but I guess it was just about five.
My stunned reaction must have been obvious. He put the DVD I leant him in it and didn’t say anything. I guess because I stopped, took it down looked at it then I hear – I “responded to your email.”
I was taken aback.
I just felt like he had steped on me – again.
I just wish I knew what was his deal.
I came home at the end of the day and surprise surprise he haden’t.
Nothing. Nothing.
ok.
He’s working tomorrow. I don’t know what to say. I stammered when he answered the phone this morning when I called saying I may be a little late.
I wasn’t expecting it.
Why would he tell me that he returned my email when clearly - he didn’t.
There is no grey area. It’s is simple – yes or no. Black or white.
I want to get over this. I want to stop thinking about it. I know I can but it dosen’t stop myself from being totally guttered. I feel like he’s stomping all over me.

When I realised he was at work this morning – my heart sped up and I wanted to see him but at the same time I was apprenhisive.

Now – well I’m BUI (blogging under the influence – red wine) and I’m just wanting to hear from him – yet I know it won’t happen.

Eve. Called him last night - he want’s to be set up with one of my friends. I said no.
I wouldn’t anyone I know going out with him. I think all of my friends could defiantly find someone with more… respect and just really someone who is nice. I wouldn’t recommend him to anyone.

I feel the effects of this very nice red wine and I haven’t had a drink for a very very long time... the effects are nice.... heavy arms, tingly cheeks,heavy head and legs.

......

Oh Nick.
I miss you.
.....
Shame.
He'll never read this.

Pitty takes many forms

2006-11-07T21:01:00.000+11:00

So I wake up this morning to 15 – yes - 15 missed calls.
And one message received.
Who wanted to contact me 15 times! And at 1:30am!
I go to message received and it’s Eve.
“hey”
Then came the missed 15 phone calls.
What the??
I text him back
”Just got you msg/calls phone was on silent – I was asleep”
I sent it.
He called straight away. We talked for about ten fifteen minutes but I thought what was he thinking? The called 15 times in half and hour.
He told me he was drunk.
“Who did you go out with?”
“I went by myself” we kept talking aimlessly for a little then… I was a bitch.
“You went out by yourself. – Do you get lonely?”
“yeah sometimes. Do you?”
“Occasionally”
I regretted saying it. What a horrible, awful thing to say.
Really it was just like rubbing a little salt into what I knew would have been an open wound. He’s lonely, alone and sad. Hence his calls which was a result of going out and getting blind.
I feel sorry for him. I was annoyed with him because I just think how he treated me and really he’s personalty. How it did a flip over every day. Every day he was different either super passionate or he was really awful. He spent all his time in front of the computer, (didn’t “let” me simply to check my emails – small thing but it was the way he said it with so much… I don’t know – disrespect) – the way he would pick on me for my like/interest in poetry – my guitar. Make me feel like it was something stupid. But really – I have an interest. I have something I enjoy doing. Something I like.
I have friends to go out with and have fun with. He … he has a couple of friends who are mostly married and don’t go out in the city where he lives.

I’m tired. I’m going to bed and …. I’m going to call him.

I sent Gareth a msg asking if he wanted to catch up last weekend and he replied that he was watching a dvd with a girl he met last week.
I was very glad to hear that.

maybe not

2006-11-05T21:15:00.000+11:00

I slept on and off all day today.
So so tired.
I felt like I was walking around in a daze. I worried about myself driving!
Last night I went out drank water and had a great time.
Some guy supposedly (as Raff and Erin put it) went in to kiss me and in my words I accidentally head butted the guy – Oh well we just laughed.
I danced and danced I left around 11:15pm it was about 40 min after we arrived.

Nick would have got my email by now and with no reply.
I was really sad in my dazed state today. Walking around the shops thinking about Nick and wondering I should pursue it.
I know I shouldn’t but it hurts to think about not having him in my life.

I got my hair cut yesterday – still long, just layered the whole lot and my hair jumped up nearly 30cm, So I looked like a mop of red curls.

Just spent 20 min on the phone to Girly mans partner. She’s a really genuine girl.
Down to earth and really honest. A really nice girl I’m hoping everything goes well for them interstate.

I was going to stay with them in my holidays but I’m going to think about it.
See if I can get a few different prices in where to stay.
His partner Bron, I know how she would feel if I stayed there and I don’t think it would be the best idea.
She’s not all that confident in herself when really she should be because she’s Georges and pretty on the outside and on the in.
I don’t think she will look to me as a threat but I don’t want to cause unneeded worries for her.
Girly man is a very warm caring person and if a girl had no respect for the partner or for relationships they would probably try something and I don’t think Girly man would do anything but that doesn’t stop some girls.

I think – treat others the way you want to be treated and also putting yourself in someone elces shoes. Imagine how they would feel. If you know a person then it’s not how you would feel in their shoes but how they feel.
There’s a difference.

Confrontation

2006-11-03T21:42:00.000+11:00

My hearts thumping as I await Nicks email. He said he replied to mine.
He said that it pretty much says don’t send texts / emails to him.
….
I got it, it went like this

“Relax and please stop sending these inane emails & sms's - they are not appreciated.
You have not done anything you not being rejected but I'm thinking we are so different I'm going to leave it at that”
Nick

Tears roll down my face. This morning he was in the kitchenette at work and I confronted him. He said “it’s getting to heavy….. I think we should just keep any friendship at work”
I looked at him.
“Really?? Is it something I’ve done?”
“No…I can’t talk about it…..not hear not now…..not at work….”
I stood there in partial shock that I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!
I think now – he was always talking about doing things together in the future.
I didn’t make him stay on that phone for hours on end.
Yeah.
I think he liked me.
And a part of me liked him more then a friend but I knew that I didn’t want to cross that line because I didn’t want to get hurt and I like the single life.
I wasn’t counting on being hurt more then what I thought was possible.

Deep down I know that’s what most likely happened. There’s no other reason if he’s telling the truth.
I think what he meant by “we are so different” our morals maybe. With me being a Christian and trying to do the right thing and he who isn’t but he does good things.

I’m going to give him space. I’m not going to email him again but I wanted to send a last email to him. So I did. I just didn’t want him to think that I felt any different towards him.
I just wonder if he decides to change his mind… I really doubt he will but if he does decide to reveal all and he tells me how he feels and if it’s the fact that he wants a relationship…. Well I’m looking into it WAY to much.

Things really don’t make sense. But … they do add up.

White shirt you say?

2006-11-02T16:49:00.000+11:00

Went for a run today. I wore a white top and black running ¾ pants.
The sun was shining I had my sunnies on and it was really warm.
Then – The heavens opened and it didn’t just rain, it pored. It didn’t let up for about 20 min and I just had to keep going! So I’m walking along a busy main rd and I get a beep from some young guy in a car going past. Yes. Wet T shirt competition and I was the only competitor! I may as well have been running around in my bra! I just ignored the fact that I had to run another 35 min in my wet T shirt/bra.
Great.

Nick – still not talking to me. Ignoring me. It’s driving me crazy and I miss talking to him.
But I mean it’s him being weird not me.
It hurts me that he’s being the way he is. I feel like I have done something wrong.
I don’t think I have…. Sigh.
I just don’t understand him.

I can't believe we made ANOTHER statue of a horse. Man! We already have the real thing stuffed in the museume isn't that enough??

and the answer is....

2006-11-01T21:49:00.000+11:00

I was talking to my cousin on the phone.
She said that it looks like I can take the girls interstate :))
I’m going to look into prices and stuff tonight on the internet. It would be great really great to spend a couple of days by myself then spend 4 or 5 days with them.
Just the two older girls are 10 and 8 years old.
They can’t swim all that well so I said it would be good if they could because I want to take them to water world. Heaps of water slides and pools, would be fantastic:)
They are great kids too.

I didn’t go out tonight it was cancelled. I’m not going riding tomorrow either.
I’m going to ride my bike tomorrow instead and go to walk the thousand stairs….well maybe not so much the stairs see how it goes.

Halloween yesterday – I had about 6 kids rock up
“trick or treeeet”
“Sorry guys – I haven’t got anything for you”
“oh ok” then the all turn around an walk off then this little girl about 6 or seven year old cute as anything not really dressed up just in clothes from the 80’s ish
“That means a trick – we have to play a trick on you” She was this little girl with shoulder length hair very cute and she hung back squinting her eyes trying to look like a witch “a trick he heh he” –
I just laughed ”see ya”
She ran off – all the kids had heaps of chocolate and stuff in their plastic shopping bags.
It’s Americas tradition – not ours. Kids - get over it.

It feels like a better thing to do rather then to go to Vietnam by myself.
This feels like fun and just right. I’d really look forward to seeing them and going to the theme parks and seeing girly man and Bonnie his partner. Lots of fun :))

weird

2006-10-31T15:20:00.000+11:00

Well after moping aroun for a day I feel alot better now.
I feel like i'm on top of it. I have the confidence to do what I want and what i'm thinking is that - I don't want to go by myself. A) it's nice to share the experience and B)it's cheaper.
So I'm thinking about maybe going up to Girly mans and maybe (I doubt it'll happen) but ask my cousin if she wants to give me her two eldest girls and i'll take them to the theame parks and have them for a few days. but I doubt she'll break up the "clan" - being that she/ they are Jehova "cult" movement they don't like their kids mingling with others who are not. Also she thinks unless you can take all FIVE kids then "it's not fair to the others" - She dosen't see it as maybe the eldest two can have a great time and the others are to young and I'm not paying for FIVE!
We'll see.

Riding my bike to work and as I predicted i'm gaining man legs. I'm trying to involve walking/running but seems my muscles feel like they are being used and they just blow up! Hence I get stumpy man legs. Stupid body type ;)
I meant to be going dirt bike riding on Thursday but I don't think I will because I'm going out Wednesday and ... it's really expensive.
hmmm.
Nicks all weird around me. He couldn't even look at me this morning! I kept trying to talk to him and Break the ice so to speak and in the end i just told him not to be wierd around me. Cos he was and he agreed he was and we kinda left it at that. He's got to get over it.
I don't know sometimes I think it's because sometimes I think he likes me and other times I think, he thinks I like him and he freaks out.
Girly man told me that ages ago he thought I liked him and he was a little worried.
It's just not like that. But he just gets weird.

the update on "plan B"

2006-10-30T15:17:00.000+11:00

Last night after my post Nick returned my call. He's not comming.
I was really upset. I think it's because I... really didn't want to go by myself. and now - looks like... I am :(
I don't want to.
Sad.
I guess i'd rather go alone then to go with someone and feel alone.
That's a good way to look at it.
So I cut the conversation short and told him that i'd talk to him in a few days.
He's working tonight so i'll see him in the morning.
I felt that really upset feeling today.
Yesterday at the lunch I was seeing how everyone is moving on with their life having kids settling down etc and I thought - I want more then that. I don't want my life to go in the typicall direction of having kids raising them working part time watching them grow... I don't know it's not something I long to do.
Maybe one day. just not in the near future. Then again I couldn't see past Feburary now - well I just don't see anything. Besides Japan but I mean I'm not looking forward to that really... it's to far away.
:(
I'm usually pritty strong minded, I get told that too - but today...and yesterday...
I felt so compleatly alone and being single wasn't all that much fun.
Shame I don't want a relationship. Would be good for an hour or so at night...

So is that what I'm saying? I've got to get out of the man just is a pain in the ass useful for what??
(sorry males who read this, it's just how I feel at the moment. I'll get over it.)

I will get over it - probably later tonight I just need to mull around in self pity for a couple more hours.... ;)

plan B

2006-10-29T21:39:00.000+11:00

I've just come home from a full on day.
Blah. The ex neglected to tell his sister that I was invited over for lunch. That made me feel uncomfortable as he INVITED ME OVER FOR LUNCH!!!!
He's done something like that before - he just doesn't think.
I was a little outta place but I mean - geez - I felt like I was intruding! because I was!
Nicks annoying me he's hot then cold and it's only a friendship we have! He'll go from talking and being relaxed to being cold and not even saying a word. I call him and he won't return my call. What the???
I mean were just friends but I just feel like all I'm doing is looking forward to a let down. I don't think he'll want to go away to Vietnam with me. I think i'l be going alone and I don't really want to do that.
I'm just annoyed. I just need a plan B. and a good plan B.
Vietnam anyone?
I better go to bed. Again I'm annoyed but really - i'm just hurt.

Everything is just going along so wonderfully that I think the little things that I would usually get over looked they are the things that get to me.

i'm a little tired and getting emotional. I don't think Nick will come with me and I don't want to go alone.

plan B

2006-10-29T21:18:00.000+11:00

Now....

2006-10-28T15:24:00.000+10:00

I have that feeling in my stomach where I want to just cry. Cry because why?
I think it's because of Girly Man. He rang today saying that he's moving interstate on Thursday. It's a good thing, i'm just upset because I don't know.
Process of elimation. It's not the fact that i'm not going out with Raff tonight (she rang and cancelled) It's not becaust Girly mans leaving.
Eve? Yeah - I think it may be a little of that and the fact that Girly Man and his partner& kids are going interstate... but then I may go and see them one day.
Eve.Hmmm. I don't know.His brother came in today for a haircut and his dad lent me a CD on Christianity evoulation or creation which will be interesting.
When his brother came in today I said - "Eve - Mk's out the back" I said the wrong name I said Eve instead of MK! I don't know if he heard but I couldn't believe he said that. Seeing his brother just reminds me of him and....yeah.
I was telling Deb how I really don't like Eve as a person and she said
"That must be hard having him just randomly come in and out of your life like that."
I said no but really - I think that's it. It is hard. It's hard.
When I see him I lust after him and would like to have him but it's totally just lust.Attraction and if I got to know him before I shagged him then I'm sure the attraction would have died because his personality would have totally turned me off. But I didn't. It was that after, so I didn't like the inside person but lusted for the Passion and great sex.
I better go and have a sleep.
I'm tired.
I had a crap day at work today - I was slow and I thought my cuts looked like crap.
Mk didn't say anything but I kinda wish he did.

Just What ever! Leave me alone!

2006-10-27T15:25:00.000+10:00

I'm just annoyed. Today at work I had alot of shifts I couldn't fill and it annoyed me. I had a situation at work today, I delt with it but couldn't refill the shift. So I was busy from the moment I steped foot in the door.
I like being busy but no one wanted to work today. Humple.

Anyway I've got Tessa my cat on my lap and Damon sitting next to me on the floor.
So that's nice.

Eve text me again last night and I thought, why are you texting me is it sex he wants? I think he's a dick.
So I asked him in text "Would you consider watching a "movie" again?" (He's "movies" are just another word he used or would cover him. Rather then just saying i'm horney come over and get laid he asked if I wanted to go watch a "movie")
He replied "No" - So I text back "I'm very glad to hear that" - Yes I'm glad to hear that maybe it'll improve his attitude but really - if there's no chance of me getting laid - don't text me and don't waste my time.
And don't fucken talk. cos you speak shit.

Hmmm... yeah - I don't like swaring but it really just seems propper in this term and on this occasion.
I'm just annoyed. I have to go de annoy myself.

I'm off to have a shower and blow wave my hair then put it in hot rollers for work tomorrow. and I'll watch M*A*S*H.